Wibble, Wobble - admitting what I'm feeling

[glitternanny]

Its taken me ages to get the guts to post this, I don't own up easily - scared of being judged I think.

I've spent most if yesterday in tears on and off. I have a history of depression so pnd is a real 'risk' cos if this. I had a wobble a few weeks back but a teary phonecall with my sister dismissed it as 'normal' new mummy feelings.

When I had my 6w check I mentioned these wobbles to my gp as I said I would to my bf, he dismissed it cos at the appointment I clearly had bonded with my son.

Now it just feels crap tho - I feel like I don't love him enough, that he's got a better bond with my bf, that I don't trust my knowledge (by profession I'm a nanny) - I have so much pressure on myself to know everything about looking after him and I don't know what I'm doing. I looked at him tonight and actually questioned whether I love him - wtf!!!

Nothing specific has happened to cause this downturn.
I just called my dr to do an automated appointment but they're full.

I'm getting up and dressed (when little man let's me) everyday and out everyday, been if it's just to get milk! I've been to a few baby groups, forced myself to stop crying in the car park and go yesterday - not been eating brilliantly and it's taking me a while to get to sleep (things I suffer from last time)

Dunno what I expect putting this on here, maybe explore other new mummies and their feelings/thoughts.

Not sure what the dr would say - I think i'd see going back on medication as a real backward step - I've been off of it for years...

I don't know what I want, to feel "normal" I guess

[glitternanny]

I got an appointment at the doctors on friday morning.. I've got baby clinic today so might see if my/a hv can speak to me. I'm not seeing my hv until 7th feb and that's early that in should be cos of my risk of pnd.

[GlueSticksEverywhere]

I don't think going back on medication is a backward step, sometimes it's just necessary. My DH takes meds for depression and it's taking him a long time to realise that he really does need to be on them and that his life is better when he is. I'm not saying that you need to be on them long term like him or anything, but don't rule them out just because you feel it would be going backwards. It wouldn't have to be forever. The most important thing for you and your baby is that you are healthy and if pills are what it takes to help you along them go for it. It's nothing to be ashamed of.

[glitternanny]

Hi ladies, thanks for your support.

I spoke to a lovely lady dr and did the scoring I got 17/27 she's put me on meds, I go back in 3/4 weeks. She's said to chase my health visitor - I guess they do the support side. No counselling or cbt were mentioned.

I've done both before, was very lucky and had private medical insurance when it hit before and had all sorts of help at the priory.

See what happens now...

[glitternanny]

I went to a cbt session today a group thing. It was positive I think, it's the start of an 8w course so we'll see. Give me some tools to help and get some perspective.