Anxiety and starting a family

[iwanttobebobcat]

Hello

I have followed a couple of threads on here to try to and find women in a similar position to me and it is sad and reassuring all at the same time to find that I am not alone. It is lovely to see how much support is offered in this topic.

I though it is about time I post.

I am not pregnant. I am not trying to conceive. I am only thinking about doing so. But I suffer from anxiety and the fear of relapsing is so much that I do not know if I am brave enough to start a family.

My husband and I have spoken about it and think it is something that we would like to do, but I don't know if can bring myself to voluntarily put myself forward for potentially suffering again. My decision whether to or not changes day by day depending on how I am feeling. Unfortunately I am not nor never have been broody (mid 30s), although I do love spending time with my friends children, so I don't even have an overwhelming need to allow my heart to override my head! I know that deciding to have children is a big decision and responsibility.

I have had a couple of bad episodes of anxiety over the past few years. One which seemed to come out of the blue (although I was turning 30 that year - subconscious panic?!?!) and which led to obsessions and depression because I had no idea what was hapening to me (the classic - "am I going mad"?). I then relapsed after a stressful life event which was just so hideous. I was on Venflaxine for both times (which worked wonders) and have had cbt/physiological help as well. I am about to come off the tabs, seeing a therapist and now practising yoga and so in theory I should be in a good place to start trying for a family next year. But I am being completely overruled by fear. I have learnt that much if anxiety is about an intolerance to uncertainty. Well you do not get more unknown that becoming pregnant. Its pretty much the only decision you cannot reverse once you do it. Hate your job - change jobs, fall out of love with your partner - get divorced, become pregnant then start to panic - tough!

I am so scared that I will not be mentally tough enough to be pregnant and be a Mum and will slip back into anxiety and depression again.....sometimes I just think, why would I put myself through this again?

So after that rather long ramble I suppose I am asking, for those of you who suffered anxiety and depression before you got pregnant. Were you scared, did you put off starting a family? How mentally "well" do I need to be to do this? You know - just a couple of easy questions ;o)

Thank you for reading and thank you if you choose to reply.

[ThatsNotSantasBabyBelly]

I haven't got long to answer, I am sure someone far more knowledgable will be along soon but just quickly

You can take ad's when pregnant if you need to, I did both times

You usually have the option of a mental health midwife and a consultant, depending on nhs trust

I never had an over riding urge to get pregnant and felt quite detached from both babies when actually pregnant but had no problems at all when born

You will be given support in case of PND which you are more at risk of, although again I had no probs although being on the ad's may have prevented it I don't know

You cannot underestimate the physical effect a pregnancy has on your body, you may be more anxious, or you may blossom. Your body churns out steriods when pregnant that make you healthy and strong, many women find long term illness become better, although not all of course

Finally my therapist (a mental health nurse turned therapist) told me that many woman see a decrease in anxiety issues when they have a baby - they simply have someone else to concentrate on.

Lots of luck. Only you know if you are ready for a baby but please don't let fear of anxiety/depression put you off. It can be managed and will be flagged up to your midwife where you can ask for help if you need it.

[bansku]

I was ill several years with bipolar mixed state. I got better and after being without hard core meds(lithium etc) fo several years,we decided to have a baby. I suffered of anxiety and mild depression once in awhile but I was ok.
The first pregnancy went really well, I fet better than I had felt for ages. I did not get PND either. So we decided to have another baby as things seem to work perfectly. This time I got depressed almost immediately I got pregnant. The depression disappeared suddenly but came back after a week. But it disappeared again and now I am fine. I found out that the best support you get from perinatal mental health team. They will provide you with medication if needed.

[SirCliffRichardSucksEggsInHell]

I'll give you both sides. I suffered very badly from depression when I was on the pill, I've always been kinda anxious anyway and the pill just made it worse. Anyway I had no intention of having kids so when I came off the pill we were very careful and started using condoms until we figured out a better solution. However just one small accident later and I found myself pregnant.

I suffered badly from ante-natal depression. I had paranoid delusions and thought seriously about self harm and suicide. I had no idea what was happening to me and it was a very scary place to be. I received no help until I was 8 months pregnant when I was taken to hospital threatening to harm myself and the baby. I saw a lovely CPN after that who I confided in about my feelings and just talking to her was enough to see me through to the birth.

I would now never be without my daughter for all the world. I was never maternal before and am still not particularly maternal now, in contrast to you, I never enjoyed the company of children and didn't relate to nephews and nieces. But the love I experience for my kids just blows me away.

I did have another child as I didn't want dd to be alone. I suffered again but was able to access help a lot quicker and with the support of my husband, I managed to get through it. However I will say that I found it very difficult being pregnant, suffering from depression and caring for a toddler. I would never do it again because of the emotional suffering I might cause my children.

I'm very very happy I had children and would never ever be without them.

But my SIL is another story. She suffers from anxiety and would gladly live a hermit's life if she could. She's very creative but highly strung and would never go in a pub - hates crowds, hates noise. She is married and she confided in me that her dh would love children, although he would never pressure her into having any. She hasn't had any and I think in her case it was definitely the best decision for her. She and her dh are very happy together living in a little bungalow in the middle of the countryside surrounded by wildlife. She lives for her art and leads a quite unconventional lifestyle that has no room for children. I think having kids would have broken her to be quite honest. I am sometimes envious of their lifestyle - they can holiday where they want, are not tied down with any responsibilities and certainly don't feel as though they've ever missed out on life. They live life to the full in their own ways.

Only you know the kind of person you are. Have a read through some of the parenting threads to find out how difficult having children is because, as much as I love mine to bits - it has been a very difficult journey and compared to most, my kids are easy-going. Your relationship will be tested to the very limit, as will your patience and sanity. You do cope however, you don't quite know how at times, but you do. The rewards are great but so are the sacrifices.
Shame you can't 'borrow' a baby for a while to give it a go. Not the same but a better experience than merely talking to people.

[SanTEEClaus]

I have had severe anxiety disorder for years to the point that I will never permanently be off my meds.

I actually did go off them to have my son and suffered every day until he was born and I could go back on them. I also have depression but there are depression meds you can take in pregnancy.

However, reading your post, I get the feeling you don't actually want to have a baby, which is fine, you don't have to. I think in order to fight through your anxiety and have a healthy baby you have to be really really sure you want that baby.

[iwanttobebobcat]

Thank you for so many replies and with a balance of both sides. Lots to think about but at least I have some knowledge to work from now.
SanTEEclaus - you are right maybe I do not want children (although when I think about never having them I do feel sad) or maybe I don't want them yet. I just want to get past the anxiety so that it is me making the decision and not it.
Merry Christmas to you all.

[missduff]

Gosh that's a difficult question.
I had suffered from depression and anxiety a couple of times before getting pregnant but for me, I never gave it a second thought, I had always wanted to be a mum and i suppose in a lot of ways I thought a baby would 'fix' me.
And in a lot of ways it did. I was happier than I had ever been and even though my partner and I split when I was 5 months pregnant I dealt with it soooo well, looking back I've no idea how really. I realised I'm stronger than I ever realised I was.

Having said that I did still develop PND but didn't really get help till quite late on, the GP thought it was normal considering what I was going through with ex etc. she was right but I still needed help. I do think though that I wouldn't have suffered with PND if I wasn't on my own and had a loving supportive partner.

But that's just me, you sound like you've really got your head screwed on, too many people (myself included) just jump in to making a decision.

Have you thought about having a couple of sessions with a counsellor to help you talk through your fears re having children? Might just help you come to a decision as its such a person decision it's difficult to make your decision based on other people's experiences.

Having children can be the best experience and you may love it but it isn't an easy job and it is stressful. But for some people it can give you a sense of what really matters in life and put other problems in to perspective.

[missduff]

Also I do know somebody who suffers with severe anxiety and she is one of the most amazing mum's I know, don't think that you won't be a good mum because of the condition.

[iwanttobebobcat]

Thank you for the kind encouragement missduff

[iwanttobebobcat]