husbands puts adult child before me at my financial expence.

(96 Posts)
littlediamond33 Fri 19-Apr-13 16:02:12

i had to purchase new spectacles for driving.(i drive every day to work, my job also involves me driving children)Therefore they are essential. I was a little short this month (I Work 30 hours a week and i have my own bank account) so asked husband if he could lend me some £. He said he didnt think he had any £ left in his account.(I ended up getting a pay day loan, this is something i havnt had to do b4)That evening he went out and brought his 21yr old daughter (who has her own home and fiance that works)a brand new hoover, yet he told me he didnt have any £. I confronted him, he said "his kids will always come first." I do understand this but at his wifes expence?

carabos Fri 19-Apr-13 16:06:57

My father put his new wife's dog ahead of me and my new baby. I needed to re-roof my house and asked for a very short-term loan before the retention on the mortgage came through so I could pay my builder. He said no (despite being loaded) because my wicked stepmother wanted to buy a pedigree puppy. I was 9 months pregnant and it was winter.

We have hardly spoken since - I know my place.

However, in this situation YANBU.

MrsMacFarlane Fri 19-Apr-13 16:10:27

That's shabby.

Bowlersarm Fri 19-Apr-13 16:18:17

YANBU sad. His DD could have bought her own Hoover; her fiancé could have bought the Hoover. Or they could have waited and bought it when they got paid/could afford it. You needed the glasses immediately.

firesidechat Fri 19-Apr-13 16:19:27

Why would you have to borrow money from your husband? Isn't it all family money?

Leaving that aside, your husband needs to balance his priorities and look after his wife, as well as his children. This is the polite version of what I want to say, by the way.

He let you take out a pay day loan? I am shocked.

imour Fri 19-Apr-13 16:27:11

i really cant understand the separate money thing when you are married ,i think your glasses are a bit more important than a hoover , he sounds a selfish pig .

I do not understand married people with separate finances. I get separate 'pocket money' but getting a payday loan because your 'D'H refuses to share household income. shock

SpanishFly Fri 19-Apr-13 16:32:15

You asked to borrow money from your dh?? Seriously?? Wow, I don't even know where to start.

snuffaluffagus Fri 19-Apr-13 16:46:43

Yeah, he sounds like a jerk to be honest.. no other way of looking at it!

phantomnamechanger Fri 19-Apr-13 17:03:26

Another one here who does not understand married couples who do not share money/bank accounts.

I went from a good income to being a SAHM for 10 years - DHs salary was our family's money, i could spend as i liked/needed to on me and the DC without asking. I work PT now, there is no stigma to me earning less than DH, we can both spend reasonanble amounts on ourselves but would mutually agree a big purchase/household item, waiting and saving up if necessary.

By all means protect yourself with prenups etc if you feel the need , but your money/my money is ALWAYS going to cause exactly these sort of problems. How do you work out who eats more of the food or uses more of the electricity??

It's about control and it's not healthy.

Married/grown up/earning kids DO NOT trump your DH/DW except in an emergency (eg married child with baby needs urgent loan for new washing machine, so we need to postpone our weekend away/dinner out to lend them the money but I will make it up to you - would be OK)

LaQueen Fri 19-Apr-13 17:05:20

I can never, and will never understand married couples who don't just have shared Family Money.

I genuinely can't get my head around the concept of borrowing money from DH. Ever since we've been married I have had complete access to all his/our money whether I have been working or not.

catsmother Fri 19-Apr-13 17:08:06

Two things wrong here . As others have said you shouldn't have to ask to borrow money from him especially for something as essential as glasses - hardly a frippery FFS ! Second they should definitely come ahead of a Hoover. Daddy's princess isn't exactly going to suffer if her carpets remain a bit crumbly for a few days . His attitude towards you and your genuine NEED stinks . Is he always like this ?

Trillz Fri 19-Apr-13 17:08:06

YANBU

It is possible to "put your children first" without prioritising something that is a small thing for them over something that is a large thing for someone else.

If the need is equal, your children come first. If the need is unequal, your children may get a higher weighting but in general the higher need comes first.

noddyholder Fri 19-Apr-13 17:08:59

You need to tackle this. getting a loan? So wrong. We have our own accounts but have access to both if need be.

Trillz Fri 19-Apr-13 17:09:25

I do understand having separate money for fripperies (and presents for non-resident adult relatives), but something essential like glasses should not need to come out of your "spending money", it should be considered an essential expense and so come out of joint money.

digerd Fri 19-Apr-13 17:10:06

Most married couples have a joint bank account even when only one is working and earning money.

His child is, I assume , an adult and in UK he has no legal financial responsibilty for her. But he has for you as his lawful wife.

You are working and glasses are essential for health and safety issues to enable you to drive safely to work and supplement his income.

Far more important than his DD having a hoover.

His behaviour /attitude towards you is totally unacceptable as a DH/..

phantomnamechanger Fri 19-Apr-13 17:10:16

here here LaQ - I find it sad that anyone thinks it's acceptable/normal - those who will say it works for them - it works while each partner has enough money for their sahre of the bills plus enough to spare, problems arise when one partners spare cash is hugely in excess of what the other has to spend on themselves, and they then have to beg/borrow to get what they need like new shoes or winter coat, while the other swans off down the pub or fritters cash on spa days with BFF.

catsmother Fri 19-Apr-13 17:10:33

Actually have just realised that he also lied to you as well didn't he?!

Floggingmolly Fri 19-Apr-13 18:11:23

He let you get a payday loan, rather than "lend" you money? shock
I couldn't be in a relationship like that.

quesadilla Fri 19-Apr-13 18:56:41

Me and DH do have separate finances and it suits me. There is a good deal of interchange between them and we both pay a lot of stuff jointly and we do have a joint account for sone direct debits and savings but I like the idea that I am in charge of my finances in case the worst happened.
Having said that though, your DH is being an arse about this. Making you take a pay day loan is just mean.

Borrow money from DH??
What's his is mine, what's mine, the DC spend grin
Would never happen here.

CloudsAndTrees Fri 19-Apr-13 19:05:43

We have shared family money too, and I don't really understand people who have his and hers money. However, if this is the way you have chosen to conduct your finances, then that's fine and it's up to you. But if that's the way you like things, he has the right to spend his money however he wants.

It also depends on how urgent the new glasses were. If your others were completely unusable, then you probably have a point. If you could have made do with old ones (which I understand you probably couldn't if you had to take a payday loan) then YABU.

Did he commit to giving this money to his daughter? Because if he did, I don't think he was unreasonable to stick to that.

More context needed for me.

deleted203 Fri 19-Apr-13 19:22:08

I am with those who genuinely can't understand why a married couple would have separate finances. In any marriage there is always likely to be a balance of power if this is the case, which strikes me as dangerously unequal.

We have had times when both of us worked full time, earning probably roughly the same. We have had times when DH (self employed) has had little/no work, but we've scraped by because I am a teacher - and therefore on a set monthly salary. We've had times when I gave up work to be a SAHM and had no money coming in - but DH was working long hours to cover it. Throughout all of this we have only had one joint bank account and simply paid for everything necessary out of it (and frequently sighed together over the overdraft). Neither of us have to 'borrow' or 'ask' the other for money.

Angelico Fri 19-Apr-13 19:59:44

YANBU OP.

Corygal Fri 19-Apr-13 20:02:11

You poor thing! YANBU.

SirBoobAlot Fri 19-Apr-13 20:09:00

You ended up having to take out a loan for glasses?! Jesus. YANBU. What a wanker.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HollyBerryBush Fri 19-Apr-13 20:19:32

Is there an age limit where children cease to be put before spouses?

I'm just curious on that aspect of parenting, because it is oft said on this forum that children come first, often to the expense of a relationship.

When do you cut children free and abandon them? Conversely, when do you switch your allegiances to a partner rather than your children?

if I flipped genders, would this thread even appear if a Mum bought a hoover for her son, and the male partner was complaining? no it wouldn't , he'd be slated for not working a full week and prioritising his medical appointments according to his financial input.

HollyBerryBush Fri 19-Apr-13 20:20:49

FWIW - in my world - spouses come before children. From the day dot.

Bowlersarm Fri 19-Apr-13 20:23:56

OP come back and talk to us!

mrsjay Fri 19-Apr-13 20:24:30

she is a grown woman why is he buying her a hover it isnt an essential unlike your glasses I think you need to have a serious word with him he is being disrespectful to your needs, I could see the point if his dd was starving but a hoover confused

Fairylea Fri 19-Apr-13 20:26:23

Ridiculous having to ask husband for money. All money should be family money. I am a sahm and dh and I have a joint account and everything is shared, we also have equal spending money.

You would have then been able to discuss the fact you needed glasses and agree to pay for these from either some of your joint spending or the household account.

In this particular instance your need for glasses trumps his dds need for a hoover.
Yanbu.

But your finances are all wrong in my opinion. You need to tell him it's wrong and ask to sort it out.

GoblinGranny Fri 19-Apr-13 20:26:58

For me, Trillz put it best:

'It is possible to "put your children first" without prioritising something that is a small thing for them over something that is a large thing for someone else.

If the need is equal, your children come first. If the need is unequal, your children may get a higher weighting but in general the higher need comes first.

I have adult children, we have separate accounts as partners, but a joint one that we both draw on and pay into. It's always been equal, if one of us needs, of course the other steps up.
A hoover is not an essential, a payday loan is a very poor solution to a problem he created.

Bowlersarm Fri 19-Apr-13 20:27:14

Actually Holly I'm not sure i disagree with you over who comes first-child or spouse, especially an adult child. And a Hoover is a luxury item, in a way, it's nice but not a necessity

CloudsAndTrees Fri 19-Apr-13 20:29:04

I don't think you ever abandon children, even when they are adults. There doesn't have to be a competition between spouse and children, according to each of their needs, both come first at times.

More context is needed to decide whether the husband is BU here, I doubt the situation is as simple as the OP suggests.

Viviennemary Fri 19-Apr-13 20:29:29

You are right to be furious. You should not be needing to borrow and pay back from your own husband. This sounds awful. Poor you.

Bowlersarm Fri 19-Apr-13 20:32:49

We need the OP back to add more padding to her situation. Everyone is just conjecturing now.

Cravingdairy Fri 19-Apr-13 20:36:26

We have a joint account and our own separate current accounts. It's not all that outlandish confused. I'm bad with money, and I don't want access to my husband's. Joint purchases we make together, personal items we buy ourselves. It works fine for us. However if there is an urgent need we always pool our resources and neither of us would let the other go without essentials.

hugoagogo Fri 19-Apr-13 20:41:51

Of course the op's dh should have loaned her the money for glasses, if he could and it sounds like he could.

We don't know what else is going on though; why is the op so short of money? she might have wasted it on prada handbags, or have to buy everything for her and her dc from her own wages whilst dh saves his money up or fritters it down the pub-we just don't know so it's hard to judge.

As for the separate finances, that is sort of a red herring, we have separate finances and it suits us.

HollyBerryBush Fri 19-Apr-13 20:46:54

I don't understand the whole his/her money thing - doesn't happen in my world.

"borrowing" from your spouse? That isnt a partnership at all. But if you are going to have this way of allocating money >eye roll< then expect your partner to have different priorities to you.

There is a lot of truth in Neither a borrower nor a lender be - pay your own way.

MarianneM Fri 19-Apr-13 20:48:29

My first thought on reading your post was: of course children always come first, and good on your husband for thinking/saying so!

You work, you need to manage your finances so you can afford such essential things as glasses. Surely you knew that you would need glasses and should have saved money for them? I think your husband has every right to buy things for his daughter. I can't actually believe people think otherwise.

And getting a pay day loan? I'm sorry but this really says it all for me.

Not all couples have joint finances, why should they? We never did until my DH became a SAHP parent and stopped earning.

And the fact that you are moaning here about your husband doing things "at his wife's expence"? I think you resent your husband's relationship with his daughter. I think it is admirable that your husband continues to help and support his daughter. How often it is really not the case!

MortifiedAdams Fri 19-Apr-13 20:51:15

Whats wrong with your current spectacles?

Odd that you have to ask for a loan from your dh.

CloudsAndTrees Fri 19-Apr-13 20:51:54

One of my closest friends has separate finances in her relationship. They don't have children together, and it works well for them. They have a wonderful relationship that has been going strong for the last 15 years, and continues to do so.

I don't think it's right to say that separate finances are wrong. Different things work for different couples. Especially if they don't have children, or one does and the other doesn't.

Earthworms Fri 19-Apr-13 20:59:08

Just a thought, but if you need glasses for work, could your employer not pay?

They are legally obliged to pay for specs in some circumstances, dh got his eye tests and glasses paid for.

But in answer to your original question, I'd expect the money to be joint, and medical necessity to trump domestic appliance, whoever it was for.

TheSloppelganger Fri 19-Apr-13 21:46:51

If the OP knew she was going to need new glasses at this point in time, then (bearing the separate finance arrangements in mind) it was surely her responsibility to make sure she had enough money to buy them.

So I can sort of see why her DH didn't rush to give her the last of his money - especially if he'd already arranged to spend it on his DD. (Which presumably he had - hoovers not really being ideal surprise gifts.)

If however, the need for replacement specs wasn't anticipated (loss/breakage) then it is pretty unkind of the 'D'H to refuse to assist financially with buying such an essential item when the alternative is making his DW take out a shitty pay day loan.

I do think completely separate finances are quite a strange thing though -- unless one partner is bad with money.

thegreylady Fri 19-Apr-13 22:18:41

Surely to goodness no one "borrows" from her husband! Even if you have separate accounts there must be some joint money too. I really cannot see any love or respect in a relationship like the one in op. An adult child living independently should not be prioritised unless it is an emergency-which a Hoover is not.

Happilymarried155 Fri 19-Apr-13 23:17:56

I don't know why everyone thinks it's so strange for a husband and wife to have their own bank account. We have a joint bank account that we contribute the same to that our bills come out of and then our own bank accounts to spend whatever is left. How am I supposed to treat dh to nice gifts or buy Christmas presents if he can see where I have been shopping.
I'm married not lost my identity, their is nothing wrong with having your own bank accounts.
As far as this thread is concerned your dh was mean letting you get the payday loan!

SpanishFly Fri 19-Apr-13 23:41:36

But the point is more if one of you earns a lot more than the other, then it's not so cut and dried, as the op has discovered.

I earn more than dh but we have so little disposable income after mortgage, nursery fees, bills, then it makes no sense to have separate accounts

GoblinGranny Sat 20-Apr-13 07:45:35

I think that provided your finances work for your family, any combination of methods is acceptable and shouldn't be seen as weird or odd.
OH and I met as students over 30 years ago, and separate accounts and a joint one has served us well over the years.

Happilymarried155 Sat 20-Apr-13 08:15:27

I'm not saying there is a right or wrong spamishfly, different things work for different families. It's just everyone thinks it's so wierd to have seperately bank accounts and indicate its the sign of a bad marriage or a controlling husband. It really isn't, it's just what works well for that household.

Leave the bastard.

NewAtThisMalarky Sat 20-Apr-13 08:35:07

If I was to end up with a husband, I would have separate finances. It's probably more common second time around.

I had joint finances with my ex, and he took the piss, big time. I will never allow that to happen again. I can see why people without that experience would say that joint finance is the way to go, but it can go badly wrong.

But I still think he's being a dick. In that instance if I was in his shoes I would give you the money and not need it paid back. I find his attitude towards separate finances a bit too stringent.

abbyfromoz Sat 20-Apr-13 08:45:03

I never ask my DH if i can 'borrow' money. I just tell him i need some and to hand it over! wink Lol
Your DH sounds really...well he sounds like a real wanker! (Sorry)
Of course it's understandable to put your children first when they are in need but
1) he lied to you when he said he had no money
2) your daughter and her partner are fully capable of buying themselves provisions
3) a hoover is not an emergency item! Even if she couldn't have bought it for herself straight away it could have waited until she could afford it.

firesidechat Sat 20-Apr-13 08:59:30

I don't know why everyone thinks it's so strange for a husband and wife to have their own bank account. We have a joint bank account that we contribute the same to that our bills come out of and then our own bank accounts to spend whatever is left. How am I supposed to treat dh to nice gifts or buy Christmas presents if he can see where I have been shopping.

I don't think the separate accounts are the problem, it's the fact that the money in those accounts aren't seen as "family" money.

I have a separate account as well as the joint account, so that I can buy stuff without husband knowing ie his presents, but the money in all the accounts are our money, not his and hers. I would never have to borrow money from my husband because it would be mine to spend. We freely spend small amounts and larger purchases are discussed between us.

It works for us, but I'm not sure the OPs financial arrangements are working for her, or she wouldn't have posted.

LaQueen Sat 20-Apr-13 09:01:30

Agree with abby.

DH has always earned far, far more than me. And, often I haven't worked at all.

It woudn't occur to me to ask him for money. And, if I did he would look like this hmm and say 'Why are you asking me?' and be genuinely puzzled.

Could never have married a man, who wasn't open handed and generous.

sweetestcup Sat 20-Apr-13 09:11:40

Of course the op's dh should have loaned her the money for glasses

Regardless of whether couples have separate bank accounts or not money there should be joint money and there is no way you should LOAN money to someone you are married to, this is not healthy and is very controlling.

firesidechat Sat 20-Apr-13 09:11:54

Totally agree LaQueen

My huband is always asking me why I don't spend more on myself. He is by far the main earner (I'm not working at the moment) and he is always supporting his family financially. Daughter's wedding, other daughter's university costs, me, and he has never once expressed resentment in almost 30 years of marriage.

I love my children dearly, but would be very surprised if my husband put a daughters need for fluff free carpets above my need to see properly.

I do wonder if it is one of those situations where the second wife suffers because of the mans need to overcompensate for leaving his first family. Obviously don't know for sure because I don't think OP has been back to supply more details.

Unusualpeep Sat 20-Apr-13 09:24:41

Your DH is hugely unreasonable, you will pay more for those glasses now.
My financial arrangements are highly unusual compared to most on MN as we have never had a joint account and it works for us.

I started saving and dabbling in investments while still at secondary school. So whilst not really rich I can be completely financially independent which is how I like it having seen a Mother having to beg for money from my Father. They did have a joint account but he abused it so it may mean you know what is going in and out but it doesn't stop someone abusing it at some point. He had been fine for years and then just cleared their account out.

LazarussLozenge Sat 20-Apr-13 09:38:45

Sounds like a loser.

Tell him to do one, and walk. What are you actually going to lose?

My wife hasn't worked now for quite some time. We have our own pocket money accounts and we have a number of joint accounts (I am big in to 'piggy banking', so one account builds up for car ins, mot and tax, another covers all the SO/DDs, another is used to pay for my OU.

We'd discuss the purchase of glasses but only in order to ensure we had the money to cover it.

At worst this guy should have delayed the hoover purchase in order to sort you out.

Like I say, time to trade up. Plenty of better men out there who will see a relationship as a thing of worth.

Besides which, his daughter has left - time to cut the umbilical perhaps?

bakingaddict Sat 20-Apr-13 09:45:26

Me and DH have separate accounts with the mortgage and household bills paid relative to our salaries but sometimes due to a big one-off purchase or some decadent retail therapy (usually me) one of us might find ourselves a bit short of money

We will then ask to 'borrow' some money from the other's account, it's not like I sign up DH to a 12% APR repayment or anything, we'll just say 'i'm a bit short because of xyz can you lend me £200 and it very rarely ever gets paid back to the other person as it isn't a loan in the typical sense just overall money being redistributed between different pots.

I don't find anything sinister in our arrangement or feel the need for a joint account and our marriage is perfectly healthy in all respects

scottishmummy Sat 11-May-13 22:40:41

plenty functional couples have separate accounts,not unusual.despite the mn jury sucking teeth
I'm surprised he didn't let you borrow the money though
are you overall happy?aart from this are things ok...or is this symptomatic of malaise

WouldBeHarrietVane Sat 11-May-13 22:43:48

Separate accounts always strike me as weird, because on divorce everything will be considered as family money and most people usually will everything to their spouse anyway. Why wait for death or divorce?

scottishmummy Sat 11-May-13 22:48:19

my money is mine.i like financial autonomy.i don't want an ours,his is his,Mine is mine
we have joint for utilities,nursery,bills.other than that own accounts

WouldBeHarrietVane Sat 11-May-13 22:51:06

It's illusory, though, because if you split up the court would consider it all joint. And most couples own the same home, so their biggest asset and debt is the same. If the spouse doesn't pay their share of the mortgage there is a problem, joint accounts or not. Similarly, your spouse affects your credit rating.

scottishmummy Sat 11-May-13 22:56:32

quite simply I don't want shared finances. my money is mine,i earn it
and I'm always bemused folk keen to espouse the shared pot model
shared pot?naturally if you housewife you want access to the money given you don't earn

chickydoo Sat 11-May-13 23:30:48

Guess I'm the odd one out here
Been married 23 years (together 25) & never had a joint account for anything. We did have a mortgage in both names, DH paid it though, but was paid off about 6 or 7 years ago.
We own everything jointly, DH earns about 6x what I earn.
He puts a percentage in to my account each month, & with that and my own earnings I buy food, clothes, stuff for the kids ( uniforms, school trips etc) I cover all Birthdays & Christmas & usually pay for going out (meals, cinema take always) I'll pay for things we need in the house, like furniture, & things for the garden. from DH's own account he pays for all the bills from car stuff to utilities, he also pays for school fees & family holidays & major purchases ( new car last year)
We have never had a disagreement over money. If I need new glasses Op, and I don't have the money, I'll ask DH to put some money in to my account for them, & he would ( assuming he had the money available)
I guess I like having some of my own money. I have savings in my own name, DH has savings in his name. If he wanted to use mine he knows that would be fine, likewise I know I could have access to his.
TBH we have been together so long
& it works this way for us, we will continue to bumble along as we are I guess.

WouldBeHarrietVane Sat 11-May-13 23:35:40

It's just the way it is. It's impossible to have truly separate finances unless both of you are pretty wealthy as you almost always own the same house.

If you really wanted to have completely separate and autonomous finances you would have to:

- not get married
- have a cohabitation agreement aimed at preventing equitable rights being created in shared assets including the family home
- have wills
- ensure that the property was divided into two legal units which you each owned one of and had a separate mortgage on
- women would have to save up to cover their maternity leave

I think you'd have to get very clear legal advice to ensure a true separation and even then the court might undo it after a separation.

scottishmummy Sat 11-May-13 23:38:05

nah,it's a mn quirk.to be aghast that finances aren't shared
and take it of indicative of a failing relationship
followed by big a lured explanation of why shared or family money is so much better

morethanpotatoprints Sat 11-May-13 23:45:57

FFs what is wrong with people today.
Of course finances should be shared, but you need your own as well. If either dh or I were short one month we would help the other out. The money for the kids is separate and no way would we put the kids before something we or the household needed, unless their need was greater iyswim. The only account I don't use is dh current account, but the statements are there for me to see and likewise my current account.
Whats mine is mine and whats his is mine grin

WouldBeHarrietVane Sat 11-May-13 23:47:48

I'm not really saying one way is better, just that it's very difficult to actually separate finances.

According to this link, a substantial minority of couples - more than one in three - have at least one joint bank account:

www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-299178/Third-couples-joint-accounts.html

scottishmummy Sat 11-May-13 23:50:03

why of course?thats your preference not a given.at all
I can see a housewife would prefer or need pooled money,as they ave no income
for me having my own money is essential,and I won't compromise on that

WouldBeHarrietVane Sat 11-May-13 23:53:11

It wouldn't be your 'own' if you divorced, so by getting married at all you have already compromised that independence.

scottishmummy Sat 11-May-13 23:53:46

not married

WouldBeHarrietVane Sat 11-May-13 23:54:57

Do you have a cohabitation agreement?

scottishmummy Sat 11-May-13 23:56:41

why do you equate marriage with loss of independence?

Wuldric Sat 11-May-13 23:59:28

We have separate finances. A joint account for household bills, to which we each contribute, and then our own accounts for spending. This has certain benefits in that I don't want DH frowning and tutting over my perceived frivolity. It was his idea but I feel a bit miserable when he is at his absolute limit and insists he can't afford this or that. I earn a multiple of DH's salary. I think the separate finances thing only really works well when incomes are roughly equal.

scottishmummy Sun 12-May-13 00:03:05

one lives to ones means irrespective of what partner earn
it's not got a particular bearing if there a disparity
so long as there is discussion,and it's open fair dialogue

morethanpotatoprints Sun 12-May-13 00:03:47

Scottish

Why do you presume that sahm's don't have money or an income for that matter? I know several who gain income from saving, Tax credits, inheritance etc. You don't need to be employed grin

scottishmummy Sun 12-May-13 00:06:49

sure,but it's pretty rare to have accumulated monies that will suffice all adulthood
or have acquired inheritance that supports adult woman without need to be employed
most housewives are unwaged,and depend upon partner wage

Callofthefishwife Sun 12-May-13 00:07:03

This to me is not about joint accounts and how the finances are arranged. Its about respect or the lack of it in this relationship.

He obviously has very little regard or respect for you,your well being and feelings. Actions speak louder than a thousand words. He may say he loves you but his actions are not those of someone in love.

Why do you want to be with someone who holds you in such low regard???

This really is a case of Leave the bastard!

PosyNarker Sun 12-May-13 01:26:28

That sounds awful. There are ways of protecting your children if you enter a relationship after the one with their mother / father. There may also be genuine times you prioritise spends but it should be talked about.

I could go 3 weeks without a hoover (going back to student standards), but DP couldn't drive the car without his specs.

Unless you are very skint, your DP sounds very mean.

WouldBeHarrietVane Sun 12-May-13 07:26:16

Legally, certainly in England and Wales marriage means interlinking of finances because on divorce the whole asset pot is considered. So marriage, or living together without a cohabitation agreement, means the law may look behind apparently separate finances.

Marriage therefore also provides protection for the less well off person in the couple - usually, but not always the woman. This is because the consequences of separation in cohabitation offer far less financial protection to the lower earner, usually women, though they can gain a stake in the family home even if they are not registered as co owner under certain very limited circumstances.

When we married I had far more savings/equity than DH and my income was higher than his. So on our marriage he benefitted when we bought a house together and all accounts were made joint. I then benefitted in return when I was on maternity leave with no income and we lived on his salary. Now he is unemployed he is benefitting from my income again. Since the law effectively deems our finances joint, we just recognise the reality of that.

There are all sorts of possibilities here that are left open. E.g:

The OP and partner keep separate accounts by choice.
The OP has refused him money on a previous occasion.
The OP already has spectacles and only needed a slight prescription change.
The OPs partner previously promised to buy a hoover for his daughter before being asked to help out with the specs.
The OP's partner had enough in his account for the hoover but nowhere near enough for the spectacles.
Very likely, the OP's partner had no idea she was going to get these specs or that she couldn't afford them.
The OP and partner agreed on marriage to assist their children financially before they helped each other.
The OP is no good at putting aside for expenses such as this, and partner is tired of having to help out.
The OP blew her bank balance on botox.

All sorts of possibilities.

DeskPlanner Sun 12-May-13 08:39:55

Leaving aside the lack of joint finance and having to ask to 'borrow' money from your own husband, he lied to you op. He didn't say he wouldn't give you the money for your glasses because he was buying a vacuum cleaner for his daughter, he told you he didn't have the money. I could not live like this. Please come back op, how long have you been with him ?

ShellyBoobs Sun 12-May-13 09:11:42

What a very 'MN' thread!

OP asks a question regarding prioritising offspring over spouse and most responses only refer to the 'absolute necessity' which is only true in the bizarre world of MN of having completely shared finances. confused

OP, YANBU. He should have prioritised your safety over his DD's carpets.

Did he know you would have to borrow money in such a way?

Had he already promised his DD the Hoover before you mentioned your need?

I'm thinking that the lack of communication is the bigger problem, perhaps.

IneedAsockamnesty Sun 12-May-13 09:28:58

Wouldbe.

In some circumstances a judge wouldn't just bung it all in the pot. In the case of none financially abusive completely agreed separate finances and it not disadvantaging either party.

They would look at joint assets but everything would not always be considered as joint.

Obviously this would require both parties to be in agreement.

Why is it automatically assumed that the OPs husband is an arse?
Could it not be that the OP is a spendthrift who regularly fritters money away and who had not managed to plan for such a vital purchase?

A payday loan would not be the first port of call for most people. How come you chose this over using a credit card? Do you have a bad credit rating?

thegreylady Sun 12-May-13 09:33:50

We always have had joint accounts. Some of the time he earned more and some of the time I did. We are both pensioners now and everything including savings is shared. We do have separate credit cards which we use to buy gifts for each other. There is absolute trust and absolute love and equality here. I would never have to ask to 'borrow' money from dh I would find that demeaning.

WouldBeHarrietVane Sun 12-May-13 09:43:22

I am aware of a case where a very high earning DH got legal advice early on in the marriage about finances to try to protect himself on divorce and therefore kept everything very separate - the DW was made with her quasi agreement (how much choice did she have at that stage?) to live off her own low wage and dip into her own small savings pot to pay for her share of joint holidays etc. They lived in a home owned by the DH.

The DH instigated divorce in time, presumably for a younger gf and is trying to use the separate finances to argue his DW should get very little of his assets. He is also arguing that she is able to live off very little so it cannot be said she needs more than her own income and savings.

LadyIsabellaWrotham Sun 12-May-13 10:16:35

You see I don't think separate finances are automatically bad when it's a second relationship with prior children. If I married a man with 4 DCs hell would freeze over and we were both on good incomes then I'd definitely want separate finances otherwise my salary would end up being spent on school trips to China while I wore Asda jeans.

But there has to be give and take within a marriage. The OPs situation seems extreme and wrong, unless there is backstory she's not telling us (PPs have suggested several likely possibilities). Letting your OH take out a payday loan for an essential item is Not On.

A FOAF would risk the family car running out of petrol rather than fill it up herself, in order that her DH had to fill it up out of "his" money when he was using it. And she was a SAHM with an allowance! Now that really is screwed up.

The last time I got a new pair of glasses it took about two weeks for them to be manufactured and of course I accepted a quotation first. I put the money aside and, wore my existing glasses in the meantime, and uplifted the new glasses on payment.

I find the situation described by the OP a little odd.

2rebecca Sun 12-May-13 10:23:30

The OP hasn't returned to this post since she started it 3 weeks ago

SophieJo Sun 12-May-13 15:08:27

The OP hasn't returned to this post since she started it 3 weeks ago

I was just thinking the same thing.

IneedAsockamnesty Sun 12-May-13 15:24:09

Wouldbe, that case is quite clearly financially abusive I expect he may struggle if she puts up a good fight.

nenevomito Sun 12-May-13 15:34:51

OP YANBU at all. I have a grown up DSD who DH gives money to, but would never do it in those circumstances.

As for joint account - DH and I have separate accounts, but I pay monthly into a joint that we both have access to for emergencies. DH doesn't pay in as I earn more, but I like us having this mixed arrangement.

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