About DH's visiting neice (IANBU btw but am looking for an argument and suspect I'll get one here)

[bran]

I need to VENT because DH thinks he's done nothing wrong and I'm "making a fuss".

When we were visiting DH's family at Christmas his sister told us that her daughter, who is a medical student, had been offered a placement in a London hospital for 8 weeks. The family are very old-fashioned and protective of their daughters and weren't prepared to let her travel and live in hospital accommodation on her own because "something terrible" would be bound to happen.

At the time I pointed out to DH that we don't have a bedroom, or even a bed, for her and it would be unpleasant for everyone if she slept on the sofa for 8 weeks (I didn't say this in front of his neice obviously). He told me not to worry, he would sort it all out and it wouldn't have any impact on me. He was planning to take a short term let on a flat nearby, or possibly find a house share for her (no men in houseshare or her parents would be furious).

She arrives TOMORROW and despite reminders from me (he told me off for "nagging") all that he has done is to put up a notice (8 days ago) in the resident's lounge of our development saying that he is looking for somewhere and giving a contact number. As he left this morning he said he might contact a few estate agents today if he has time.

I don't want another person in the flat. I like a bit of personal space and if my neice is here I will end up lurking in my bedroom every evening after the DC are in bed. I don't want to have to cook a proper dinner every evening on top of what I cook for the DC. I don't want her reporting back about our lifestyle to my hyper-critical SIL (for instance I don't go to church or say grace before meals).

I feel I've been backed into a corner. DH promised he would sort it out, but he hasn't because it's no skin off his nose to have her here (he's not usually home until quite late during the week). I expect his neice won't be too happy with the arrangement either.

[NotQuiteCockney]

And you knew he wouldn't sort this out, didn't you ... gah. You are definately not being unreasonable.

[loopyloops]

YANBU. Find her somewhere yourself. Let me know budget and area and I'll help.

[Shodan]

I wouldn't be at all happy with this either, actually. And it is the sort of thing DH would do, despite valuing his privates.

I don't know what you can do about it, tbh. So no advice or anything useful, but a spot of solidarity for you, should you desire it.

[MmeLindt]

YANBU

Although I don't understand why you did not sort something out yourself, since you clearly know that he won't.

[DuelingFanjo]

her mum sounds unhinged.

[withorwithoutyou]

YANBU but if she's not even staying with you why hasn't she just sorted it out herself? Surely she could phone estate agents herself and maybe stay one night with you while she looks around properties.

[jeee]

This thread isn't going well for you, is it OP? All you wanted was a decent fight, and everyone says YANBU. You are most definitely NBU. So there.

[loopyloops]

Husband hacked into your account?!!

[bran]

I can see the point about sorting it out myself, but I don't WANT to. If I sort this out then DH will just keep dumping on me. He promised he would sort it out, he got angry with me for questioning in advance whether he actually would sort it out. I think he should bloody well do it. He kept saying it would be easy to do, when I do sort things out he undervalues the effort I put in. He's not nearly grateful enough for instance that I am doing everything for the move, he truly belives that there's nothing much to it, he tells me I enjoy doign that kind of thing. His only responsibility so far is to take the DC out for the day on the day that the removal men come to pack.

There's a lovely Hilton nearby, I'm thinking that I might book myself a room there for the first week and disappear off after the DC's bedtime for a bit of luxury and peace and quiet.

[TrillianAstra]

If she is staying then you should at least make use of her - give her chores and let her earn her keep a bit. Babysitting? And make it clear that she is staying only until something is sorted out, by her or by your DH.

withorwithout - the girl hasn't sorted anything else because her uncle said he would sort it. I bet she'd love to stay in the hospital accommodation block and be independent - maybe she should do that and you can all lie to her mum together

[bran]

Are you on the right thread loopyloops?

[compo]

Bloody hell how old is she?
How's she going to cope being a doctor if she can't even sort her own accomodation out and ignore her overbearing mother?
She needs to get a backbone and an independent streak fgs

[muddleduck]

YANBU to have expected him to sort this out.

But on the other hand I think YABU not to let her stay. If I were your DH I'd be pissed off that you weren't willing to help out and I suspect this is why he hasn't made the effort. (Obviously you would not have to cook any extra meals etc.)

[withorwithoutyou]

YANBU then, he is totally crap.

She's a bit crap too though, would have thought she'd want to have some say in where she lives for 8 weeks.

[NotQuiteCockney]

YY, put her in the hospital accommodation block and lie to her parents. She is 18, she isn't obliged to do what they want, anyway.

[ifiwereamillionaire]

who is paying for her accomodation?

he has been an inconsiderate (sp ) lazy arse and part of me thinks you should tell him to be home early from work each night to cook and entertain rather than you being left with everything. Unfortunately that won't solve anything! and is very unlikely to happen.

I'm sure you were expecting him to leave everything till the last kick, so I would have looked about myself and given him a list to choose from so I didn't end up in this position. Phone and go online today to get something, even if it is B&B for a couple of nights until a short term lease is arranged.

[compo]

Why should she have her to stay muddleduck? Who would want to sleep on a sofa for 8 weeks as well as have all the stess of a new work situation for 8 weeks?!

[Sidge]

I don't understand why your husband offered to sort it out in the first place - surely it's the responisbility of her or her parents to do it?

How on earth is she going to cope as a doctor if 1, her parents won't let her grow up and 2, she can't even find herself somewhere to stay?

All very odd.

PS YADNBU

[GeekOfTheWeek]

If she is old enough to be a medical student then she is old enough to sort her own accommodation out.

I wouldn't have a house guest for a week let alone 8 weeks.

[Carbonated]

If you take the standpoint that your niece is NOT going to stay at your flat for longer than, say, a long weekend (normal visiting period) no matter what, then the problem becomes your DH's and your niece's, not yours. They are taking the piss, domineering SIL or not.

[LimaCharlie]

agree with NQC

[compo]

I think you were both unreasonable to get involved in the first place

couldn't one of you just have told nutter sil that it was a crap idea and dn would be fine in hospital accomodation and she should stop being loony

[ifiwereamillionaire]

or even go with NQC and let her stay independently and LIE!

[ginnny]

Why would you have to lurk in your bedroom every night? Take advantage of the free babysitter and make some plans.
It sounds like you don't like her or his family that much and that is your reason for not wanting her to stay. Does your DH secretly want her to stay with you and by not arranging something else does he think you will have no choice but to let her?

[FindingMyMojo]

YANBU - why not find a room for YOURSELF, preferably somewhere sunny with a beach and leave DH to it for a while? (sorry not helpful, but daydreams won't hurt)

He is irresponsible, not only to you but to the niece, who is also let down by him. She's going to need some personal space and more than a sofa too over the coming weeks.

What a plonker!