To want to register my DS's birth WITH my OH?

[chesgirlNOTgriffins]

ot a rant about lazy arsed OHs.

Bit long so sorry.

Booked an appt to register DS's birth. Only just got an appt within the 6 weeks even though I booked it (online) the week he was born.

Started trying to phone them at the beginning of the week. Phone would ring out or would be engaged. Some times it would be picked up and put back down again (thats what it sounded like anyway).

The reason I was calling was to let them know that OH is disabled and finds stairs very difficult. Registry office is a lovely old house but has no lift and very steep stairs. I wanted to give them plenty of notice that we needed to be seen downstairs. They have rooms downstairs.

Another side issue is that I had to register DD's death in the room upstairs and really wanted to avoid being in there if I possibly could. But OH's mobility was the main issue.

Turned up today and explained the situation. Receptionist phoned upstairs and had a discussion. From the things she was saying I knew what was coming next.

'As you are married you dont need your husband with you'
'He wants to be present, I want him with me'
'But its not a legal requirment and you can manage the stairs'

Told us to wait and they would see if they could use a downstairs room.
20mins later a woman comes and says;

'You dont need to have your husband with you'
'I want him there, he wants to be there'
'Other mothers do it on their own'
'Yes but they have the choice to bring their husbands. We are not being given that choice so you are not meeting the requirments of the DDA'
'Well I could do it in here [waiting room] but that wouldnt be confidential otherwise you will have to come upstairs on your own (missing the point), unless you want to talk to my manager'
'Yes please'

5 minutes later she comes back and tell us that we will have to wait past our allotted time until a downstairs room is free (allotted time went out the window some time ago).

30minutes later we were seen by a very nice registrar and the deed was done.

Ok I am fine and its done. I am not emotionally scarred or anything. What annoys me most is that it was obviously not that difficult to arrange a downstairs room but no one seemed willing to sort it out until they were threatened with the DDA and knew that they HAD to. Not fair on OH.

If you are wondering why OH didnt speak for himself, he did a bit but he is the quiet sort .

What wouldve happened if he went to do it himself without me? Would they have told him to go away? What if a single parent comes to do it and cant do stairs?

[minipie]

Oh dear. Typical "computer says no" type of response. Glad you both managed to be there in the end!

[VinegarTits]

YANBU, they should automatically accomodate for people with disbilities, not start questioning you about it, they sound like fuckwits, can you complain?

[chesgirlNOTgriffins]

I know. What a waste of an argument. Its not like they could legally say no anyway!

[Firawla]

I think YABU a bit really, you could have just done it yourself without making a fuss, would have been easier all round. If it was him alone im sure they would have made a provision but they probably didn't realise why you were that much bothered about both doing it when it only takes one and you could just do it?
Maybe it's just me not seeing the big deal of the occasion for everyone to go, as I've not been to register either of my kids, dh just gone himself and got it done, I see it more as a job to be done than a family outing personally but each to their own

[FabIsGoingToGetFit]

YANBU and the staff are awful.

[Lauriefairycake]

Can I ask why you both wanted to do it?

I assumed it was just a boring admin thing like going to the Post Office to get car tax?

[cupcakesandbunting]

YANBU. Other mothers do it on their own fgs. What a nerve.

[StealthPolarBear]

Ooh I didn't know you'd had a baby, when was that (well 6 weeks ago I assume!) Congratulations
What did you have, weight, name (if you want to say?)

YANBU it shouldn't have had to get to that stage. DH has come with me both times even though we're married as we see it as a significant event in some ways. Plus they completely missed the issue of you registering your DD's death - that in itself should ahve been enough.

I agree, complain, both about their lack of access and their lack of consideration.

[amothersplaceisinthewrong]

Like Firawla I don't get the significance of registering the birth as a "family occasion". I did one of ours, DH did the other,as that was what was convenient at the time. But neither of us are the sort who believe in families doing every little thing en masse, so it was I guess personal choice.

However, the register office should have certainly been more accomodating.

[Bathsheba]

I'm presuming that, because they register births all day every day that maybe they don't see it as a special event..

Like someone above said, they were lo9king at it as purely a bit of admin, like buying a tax disc, and could therefore not see much reason for both of you to do it.

If you have another child to register I suggest writing them a letter well in advance explaining how special it is to you as a family etc

[Pavlov]

I loved having DH there. No, not a legal requirement, but not everything about being a family is a legal requirement is it? Some people are not bothered by it, others are. For me, I would have been very upset if DH could not have come with me. It was a big part in our recognising our little family unit, together. Registering our children as existing in the world, recognising that both of us were part of that.

I don;t see at all why the OP had to go through such an experience just to get the same rights as other people, legal or not. Why should their experiences and wishes for how they work as a family unit be affected because of a jobsworth? When it was unecessary. Different if it was not possible, but it was.

[VinegarTits]

i think people are missing the point, the fact that they could not be arsed to accomodate him because he is disabled is discusting imo, regardless of whether he needed to be there or not

[FabIsGoingToGetFit]

I couldn't do our first and DH did the next 2 on his own too but I would have loved to have done it and we would all have gone together. Just because you think it is no big deal doesn't mean anyone else does.

[BritFish]

congratulations on your DS!
write lots of angry letters, or even a passive-aggressive helpful suggestive letter.
it's obviously something to be looked at, and with this sort of thing it is generally the people involved rather than red tape, as they WERE able to do it for your they just couldnt be arsed to get someone downstairs! some lazy arses in that building i expect.
sorry you had to put up with this while registering your DD's passing as well

[Pavlov]

vinegar yes, i agree. He was treated badly and potentially missed out on something that other people want to do, that other people get lots of pleasure from, a bonding family experience. Because he is disabled. Just because some people do not feel the need to have their OH there at the registration, does not mean that a disabled person can not have the same choice. Luckily, the OP was stubborn enough to stick to her guns.

[aristocat]

yes, definitely complain
what a bunch of unhelpful idiots

congrats on your DS

[megapixels]

Like some posters I don't get why both parents have to go either. I stayed home and dh went to register both of ours. I do have sympathy for why you didn't want to go by yourself though (registering your dd's death there, not wanting to go as a family unit or whatever). They should offer facilities for disabled parents - what if it was a lone parent who couldn't manage the stairs, what do they do then?

[sunshiney]

Registering our dd's birth was special to my dh and I too, so good for the OP in asserting herself

[Trafficcone]

I'd complain massively. Dh and I always do it together and to us it IS a big deal and a special occasion.
They breached so many disability discrination rules that I'd go to town on them!!

[StealthPolarBear]

sorry, you obviously had a boy

[coppertop]

Dh went by himself for all three of ours but I still think the staff should have been far more helpful rather than treating your dh has an inconvenience.

Why should he have to miss out on something that is so obviously important to him just so that some inconsiderate member of staff doesn't have to swap rooms?

[Thediaryofanobody]

It doesn't matter if others did it on there own OP wanted to do it with her DP some of us consider it as something special.
Her DP has the right by law to attend to registrar his child, he also has the right under disability registration to be accommodated. Plus on basic human compassion wouldn't go amiss, having a new baby must really highlight the lose of another especially having to register the birth in the same room your DD death was registered. I'd hope on that reason alone they would have been accommodating.

They could accommodate him downstairs, only they are lazy disorganized and just couldn't be bothered by the sounds of it, well done Che on calling them on it.

[coppertop]

as an inconvenience

[Thediaryofanobody]

Disability registration I meant disability legislation.

[chesgirlNOTgriffins]

I totally get the posters that are saying they dont see as a big deal to have both parents there.

Thats a matter of choice but the point is that it is a choice. Because they couldnt be bothered to explore (easy) alternatives they were willing to take away our choice.

We were not expecting to turn up and find an interpreter without notice, for them to install a lift there and then, convert all of their literature into braille in five minutes or any other mad request. We asked to be seen in a downstairs room. And I had tried very hard to give them notice of our needs. Its a 'reasonable adjustment' which is their legal responsibility.

Thats crap.

Lol at us being the sort of family to do everything together though . Really not the sort of family we are.

Last time we were there a poor woman had to struggle upstairs on her own with triplets. She didnt have the DDA to fall back on.

Would like to point out that I was polite and calm throughout btw. No shoutin or cussin.