... to expect my partner to help with the housework?

[kirstieroo]

A little context:

I work full-time and am the main wage-earner. He works part-time and is also studying towards his degree after returning to college three years ago. We've been best friends for years and years, but only became a 'proper' couple two years ago.

Up until last August I lived half in the town where I worked (4 nights a week) and half with him, his mum and brother in our hometown (he was at the local college so it didn't make sense for him to move or transfer at that point, plus he wanted to be close to his mum to help support her - she suffers from depression and since his father left when he was 8, he feels a responsibility to her). The sharing the space with them wasn't initially too much of a problem as we all get along very well, however very quickly their living standards became a problem. When we first got together, his mum's depression was very bad (she was signed off work for about 6 months not long after I moved in), and as a result the house was a tip. DP only really made an effort with our room and the bathroom, and no one ever cooked, just ordered takeaway. His mum's room was just full of mountains of old takeaway boxes and beer cans, and the kitchen had things growing in it. Very much like something on How Clean Is Your House? DP said that his mum has never been very on top with housework and it used to be his dad that was responsible for this, when his dad was visiting last year he told me that her untidyness was a big factor in his leaving, as he was expected to do everything.

When I first started spending time together, we (DP & I) hired a skip, got rid of all the crap, scrubbed the whole house and began redecorating - our room, the living room and his mum's room were given a complete makeover (a birthday present for her).

Last August, we decided to move in together. For the first few months everything was hunky-dory, house work seemed to naturally divide up between us fairly equally, and he took initiative. I work shifts and am commuting (I refuse to leave my job because it's a great opportunity and valuable experience - can't say what as it would completely out me). My shifts are long and a mixture of days and nights. I work three shifts a week, and am out of the house between 5am-10pm on a day shift/5pm-10am on a night shift. He attends lectures 3 days a week, works all weekend plus does overtime/sickness cover most weeks at his PT job. He recently had 1 month off over Easter - I said to him half-jokingly, "I hope that means the house will be spotless, if you've got all that free time), and he assured me that he would be able to do lots round the house. To be fair, he did pick up a lot of extra shifts, but he did even less housework than before - when he wasn't at work he sat on his arse on the laptop or Xbox.

I raised this towards the end of the month, we had a long chat and he promised to pull his weight. He's been back at uni a week - this semester he only has to go two days a week and doesn't have an assignment as they are working towards some exams. All he has done all week is "tidy" the living room, and that only involved hoovering and putting the books back in the bookcase etc - no dusting or anything. I asked him several times to clean up the spare room/study and take out the rubbish & recycling, this hasn't happened even though he said several times he would. I was sticking to my guns and refusing to do it for him, but now it's really smelly. This morning told him if it's not done by bed time he can sleep on the sofa. Fully expected to have a row but he just quietly apologised and said he would. Now off at work (he works the afternoon on Sundays) and I'm starting to feel very guilty and considering just going and doing it myself.

I'm just so frustrated - it feels like the last few months that I;m giving everything and getting nothing in return. When we decided to move in together we both talked about finances and each other's responsibilities. I knew that I would be paying the rent and most of the bills and living expense on my own - but I would have been doing that anyway.

I pay rent, gas, electricity, big food shops, my travel, mobile bill. TV/internet/landline comes out of my account, but he was supposed to give me money to cover this each month - he was paid on the 15th April and I still haven't received it. He pays his travel expense (he gets a train to uni), his mobile bill, and a small amount into a savings account. I work long hours, on my feet in a very stressful (and often distressing) job, with a tiring commute. Although he's at uni, he doesn't do assignments until a day or two before they're due (says he works better that way) and doesn't spend much time studying. His shifts are never longer than 6 hours in a go and he only travels 5min on foot to work.

Am I being unreasonable in expecting more contribution to the running of the house?

I've spoken to him about this, and about how tired and stressed I'm becoming with work (it's very busy at the moment, we're struggling with an increased workload). He always apologises and says he'll try better, and often bring up the excuse that he was "never taught how to be tidy/clean", that he's "not in the habit".

In every other way he's wonderful - my absolute best friend and I can't imagine life without him, but I'm reaching the end of my tether.

Sorry for really, really long post - just really frustrated.

[marriednotdead]

As you realise, being clean and tidy is not something he has grown up with, and it will require far more from him for housework to even register on his radar. You are not paying his expenses for him to be your cleaner in return, but you do expect him to take on more as he has the time.
Going back to basics, if you are tired and resentful, the rest of your relationship will inevitably suffer- a point he may need to think about. Threatening him with the couch will probably make him feel rejected but may hit the point home.
To be honest kirstyroo, I'd sit down with him and draw up a housework rota for you both, the contents of which are non negotiable. It sounds childish but if he has clear daily chores, he has no reason to slack. Good luck

[kirstieroo]

Thanks, marriednotdead. You make a good point about him not being the cleaner , and it is hard for me to understand where he's coming from as somewhere who's not used to the need to clean/tidy. On the other end of the scale, I'm the daughter to two obsessive neat freaks, and spent my teenage years being told that I was too slobby, so I don't consider my standards high in comparison but they must seem that way to him! What's a mess to me just isn't to him.

I felt bad about threatening him with the sofa the minute I did, but it was said in the heat of the moment . TBH I think it quite upset him as he was quite quiet afterwards, which is very out of character.

I think when he gets home this evening I will have a much calmer, more rational chat with him and I think we may well try a rota or list of chores - we're both off tomorrow so we can start together, perhaps. I think the main problem is I'm generally fed up these last few weeks, so perhaps little niggles seem that much worse?

[marriednotdead]

Of course kirstieroo. Everything seems worse when you're fed up; there's no escape from it and coming home to a messy house is the last thing you want. Have a lie in and start refreshed hopefully.
My dd is super clean but extremely untidy but she feels calmer and more able to study after she has tidied her living space.
He needs to see the benefits rather than just trying to keep the peace.

[clam]

IT'S NOT HELPING WITH THE HOUSEWORK!!!
He lives there, fgs, so it should be split between you. He's not "doing you a favour."

[TheHouseofMirth]

I agree with MND. Many men, even those without the kind of upbringing you DP has had, just don't seem to "see" what needs to be done. It is maddening to have to take responsibility for organising chores but at least if you make an exhaustive list of everything that needs to be done and sit down and divide them up then hopefully it will run like clockwork!

To make things fair, I'd add up how many hours you work + travel and how many hours he works, travels and studies and then split tasks proportionately. I'd do the same with bills etc. I know he's probably on a very limited income but when DH & I were in a similar position we worked out what percentage of my income DH earned and then added up the bils and he paid the same percentage iyswim?