To not let my son go to sleepover on saturday?

[sespiritu]

DS was invited to a "birthday tea party" last night at a friend's house. I took him and when I got there, the house was full of teenagers/18/19/20 year olds smoking and drinking. The lad who's birthday it was, wasn't even in. I know his mum (who seems to have changed drastically since I last saw her ) and she beckoned us in saying "I don't know where DS is, he went out, could be anywhere, but he'll probably be back soon so come wait in here."

so I took DS through to the kitchen where a group of adults were stood smoking and drinking. DS was handed a plate and told to "get something to eat". I WANTED to take him home but at the same time, I didn't want to embarrass him and upset his friend on his birthday so against my better judgement, I left him saying I'd pick him up at 7pm.

At 5.55pm I received a text off him saying "you can come and pick me up now if you want" I text back asking if he was ok and he replied "yes, but I think the party is over now, everyone is leaving".

So I went to pick him up. On the way there I saw the birthday boy and a group of lads all hanging around on the corner of the street. No DS though. I went to the house and DS rushed out, said a quick goodbye and got in the car.

1. he'd had no food as he couldn't stand the smell of smoke in the kitchen.
2. the other kids had left him in the house and got out to "lark in the street" (DS isn't allowed to do this so refused to go).

Bit of a disaster really and not what I'd call a "children's party. More an excuse for a piss-up.

Problem is, he's supposed to be sleeping over there on satuday night. Its been arranged for ages and I was happy to let him go until I saw how this woman and the kids have deteriated since I last saw them. I don't want him "hanging around" on street corners and TBH, I don't like the look of the people who she has in the house. Half of them look fresh from prison!

DS wants to go, telling me "it will be different on saturday because the older ones won't be there. I think they will be, personally and apart from that, he'll still be expected to do the "hanging around" thing.

AIBU to make up and excuse and not let him go? the kids are only 11.

[StealthPolarBear]

god no!

[thedollshouse]

Trust your instincts and make an excuse, it doesn't sound as if any of the family are very welcoming.

[ASecretLemonadeDrinker]

I'd let him go TBH - he sounds sensible enough that he won't do anything silly and can always text if he wants to come home. I think he'll resent you if you stop him, besides even if the older ones were drinking and smoking it doesn't mean they are awful people to be around, as much as I hate smoking.

[bluemonkey123]

Don't let him go, but make up some excuse so as not to embarrass him. Maybe the 'friend' could come for a sleep over at your house - another time as compensation?

[bumpybecky]

YANBU make an excuse and then big treat for DS to make up for missing out (although doesn't sound like he's missing much of anything worth having!)

[juicy12]

no, no, and thrice no!

[OtterInaSkoda]

I wonder if your ds still wants to go to this sleepover, tbh. He might welcome you putting a stop to it - he could always pretend you've grounded him to save face.

How old is he?

[OtterInaSkoda]

Oh - they're 11. Sorry.

[chickydee]

I think your istincts are SCREAMING at you here to not let him go and they would be right! No way would I let either of mine go to this sleepover. He may, deep down, be hoping you'll stop him anyway, sounds like he didn't exactly have a great time at the party.
I would put my foot down and say no way, then take him out, or invite said freind round to yours instead.

[ASecretLemonadeDrinker]

My goodness - some 18 + adults were drinking at what probably ended up being some sort of last minute party, then some 11 ish year olds went outside the house. I wonder if this would be OK if they had been sitting outside in a new build Charles Church estate? This screams of "I don't want my precious to mix with the riff raff".

[sespiritu]

Thanks. I don't want to seem snobby but its not the kind of environment I want him in. The kids there looked rough as hell, climbing up on council portacabins, shouting and balling down the street, swearing ...

I'm not sure if he wants to really go either. He said he does but then added "obviously if it's my dad's weekend I won't be able to go ... is it my dad's weekend?" and then seemed to go a bit quiet when I said no.

He's 11. I'm torn between trusting him and letting him go, giving him the responsibilty to do what's right (he is a sensible kid) or just pulling him out altogether. I'll sleep better knowing he's tucked up in bed, not roaming the street with the asbos of tomorow.

[ASecretLemonadeDrinker]

If he has another crappy time he will come to the decision himself not to bother going again.

[StealthPolarBear]

the fact he wanted to leave early last time would be enough for me tbh

[Greenshadow]

First instinct agrees, don't let him go.

But on second thoughts, 11 is the age when children do have to start to develop a bit of independence including going out without adults. When they start secondary school they may have to get used to travelling alone. Our 11 year old has jsut started having short trips in to town with a friend and would probably love to 'hang around on the corner of the street'.
If you think he genuinely wants to go, I think I would let him, but tell him that if he feels the slightest bit uncertain to call/text and say he feels ill and needs to go home.

[BattyKoda]

As him if he really wants to go. If he says yes, let him, he sounds sensible enough, just let him know you can always go and collect him at anytime if he wants. If he says no, make up an excuse and take him to the cinema or something instead.

[OtterInaSkoda]

I know where you're coming from, LemonadeDrinker. My ds and his friends play out and have done for years (he's 9 now). However I wouldn't let him play out if the kids he was hanging around with were badly behaved. It's not snobbery.

[CheerfulYank]

YANBU. And I don't think it's a case of "not wanting your precious to mix with the riff raff" either. 11 is young to be in an uncomfortable situation like that, and I think you should trust your instincts.

[GetOrfMoiLand]

Make up some lie and don't let him go.

You are right to trust your instincts. If you let him go you would end up fretting all night anyway.

[claw3]

I dont see how it would work. If the boy is going to be 'hanging about' on the street and your ds isnt allowed to, what is he going to do?

Have you told the boys mum, that your ds isnt allowed to go out?

[IndigoSky]

Would you sleep ok if you let him go?

If you'll be awake all night fretting then don't let him go.

It's not worth it tbh and he clearly isn't that keen on going.

Last minute tummy bug?

[OrmRenewed]

He doesn't sound as if he enjoyed it. But I have to say the set up doesn't sound all that dreadful provided there was a reasonably sober adult in charge.

[OTTMummA]

i grew up on estates and i plead with you now, don't let him go.
11 is far to young, even if hes sensible, it will end in disaster more often than not.
my mum still lives on the estate and i love the people there but im glad i moved away as i really don't want them influencing him through childhood.

[JGBMum]

As other posters have said, 11 is the age where you want your DCs to start to develop some independence, however, I think this is a step-by-step process. Not an all or nothing.
In this instance I think your instincts as a mum, and as an adult who was actually there and saw the set-up in this house, should be the guiding factor.
You do not know for certain that the older teenagers will not be there, so there could be a repeat of the smoking and drinking. Also, presumably the boy will want to hang out outside again. Your DS then has the difficult choice of either saying ok and doing something neither he nor you are comfortable with for the sake of fitting-in. Or saying no, and potentailly being left at home whilst this lad goes out again.
Not an unbiased post I know, but I do have teenage sons (14&16) so have been through similar dilemmas and have made different choices depending on the actual situation at the time.

[CheerfulYank]

I'm confused about the "not going outside" thing. (Please excuse a girl who's lived in rural Minnesota all her life, won't you? )

Is it a bad area?

[OrmRenewed]

ahh cheerfulyank - there is strong dividing line between those who beleive allowing their children out to play in public areas is lazy and careless and results in solvent abuse and dropped aitches, and those who beleive it's good for 'em and encourages independence.