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AIBU?

to expect exP not to take siesta when he has the dcs?

19 replies

cestlavielife · 16/03/2010 15:48

dds (7 and 9) report that when they go visit him he routinely goes off to sleep in the afternoon, leaving them watching tv.

ok, so he there...and they old enough to entertain themselves... but this is the limited day time alternate weekend contact he has with them - and he is always complaining he doesnt see them enough?

but to cap it all, this sunday he went off to sleep leaving DD 10 supervising oldest ds 13 who has severe learning difficulties and is autistic - nothing happened this time but he could have escaped, climbed into cupboards for food etc.

and DD was bored watching thomas tank engine (he functions at much younger age) over and over - she said it played 3 times thru so was at least one hour... he "was in the bedroom lights off door closed". exP hadnt made sure she was entertained on computer or whatever - plus he had promised to take them both out and didnt in the end.

is unreasonable to expect him to make more effort? to stay awake? to actively supervise ds? (is ok for few minutes - i might say to dd "can you watch him a sec while i cook this food". but not disappear off to sleep...

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OTTMummA · 16/03/2010 15:57

what is the point of him having contact at all?
I would ask him if he was ill, if not then say its simply not acceptable to nap during his limited time with them, or next time he says he doesn't see them enough tell him when he can manage to stay awake during the current visiting times you may think of making other arrangements etc.

otherwise i would tell him that he will have to visit them at a contact centre, surely he wouldn't fall asleep there!

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Vinegartits · 16/03/2010 16:02

You cant dictate to him what he should be doing when he has them, if he wants to be an arsehole sleep when they are at his then there is nothing you can do really, unless you think he is putting them in danger, which it doesnt sound like, they just sound bored, but it must be crap for them, and i can see why you would be annoyed

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pigletmania · 16/03/2010 16:03

I agree with OTTmumma it is totally unacceptable for him to do this, he has limited contact with his dcs surely he should be spending the time with them and making the time that they have together fun and exciting, or at least stay awake so that he is there with them

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pigletmania · 16/03/2010 16:04

sad the memories that they will have of going to dads is that he fell asleep every afternoon and that they were bored.

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cestlavielife · 16/03/2010 16:09

agreed if he has the dds there is no "danger" as such. but hardly inspires them to want to spend more time with him! but yes - is his problem (his and theirs; they just have to suffer til old enough to make up own minds...)

but if he has ds then yes there is risk of danger because he is special needs and needs to be surpervised. if ds chooses to run off down road then dd cannot be expected to run after him (and this has happened) or if he goes to climb on cupboards in kitchen to rummage for food dd cannot intervene and stop him falling (happens frequently). if one of carers i employ was sleeping on the job i would sack them...

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Vinegartits · 16/03/2010 16:10

How long does he have them for? does he do anything with them when he is not sleeping? how long does he sleep for?

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GypsyMoth · 16/03/2010 16:12

AsAWe ear as it is, it's entirely his choice what he does shen he has them, and you'd have a hard time convincing a judge to stop or reduce any contact on this basis

they are as much his kids as yours, he wouldn't be able to dictate to you either. Which I'm sure you know anyway

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Vinegartits · 16/03/2010 16:12

in that case i would talk to him about sleeping when he has ds, tell him if he continues to do it, you will stop him from going

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OTTMummA · 16/03/2010 16:15

you can not leave a ten yr old to supervise a 13 yr old SN sibling, not even for 20/30 mins, its not on.
its even worse as he knows he has the children for whatever day at whatever time so he can plan his 'naps' around this short period. can't he go to bed a bit earlier the day before??? isn't he capable of pre planning?!!
sometimes my dh goes away for business overnight etc, so i know i will not have any help, you know what i do, i make sure i get a bloody early night! and im on medication that makes me very sleepy.
he has no excuses.

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GypsyMoth · 16/03/2010 16:17

That should be 'as sad as it is'....... Trouble on my iPhone!

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scaredoflove · 16/03/2010 16:19

Is he the man that also has mental health problems?

Completely unacceptable for him to sleep when your DS is there. What happened to supervised contact? Wasn't that in place before

I would go back to supervised for all of them

At what age does the children's viewpoint come into visitation? Can you DD speak to someone now about how she feels about contact?

I truly believe that contact with parents should always be maintained but from what you have written in the past, this man isn't stable enough and it should be supervised at least

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TotalChaos · 16/03/2010 16:24

I agree with scaredoflove. This isn't fair on the kids. Surely if a parent with custody was constantly sleeping there would be potential neglect issues and possibly SS interest - I don't see it's different when it's the non resident parent.

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cestlavielife · 16/03/2010 16:25

the court order is actually for supervised contact ("supervised by an appropriate adult agree to by both parties") because of his previous mental health issues/aggression etc. with direction from judge this should be gradually relaxed as they got used to being with him/as his mental health issues improved.

. so i have begun gradually relaxing the supervision, letting him have them unsupervised .... he was v depressed before xmas; now since january in "up" phase.

so i can go back to insisting on supervised contact.

he is incapable of pre -planning. will promise they going to xxx then they dont make it out the door. they never know where they stand...

maybe sleeps coz still has depression/mental health issues/medication (i dont know what he tkaing) ?
who knows...

there is a little more to it i guess but interesting to see responses...

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RubysReturn · 16/03/2010 16:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fleegle · 16/03/2010 18:20

Ah, your classic AIBU by stealth

Was going to say YABU by micromanaging- but now have to say YANBU by virtue of pre-existing mental health issues and concerns.

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GypsyMoth · 16/03/2010 18:35

Who supervises and where??

Maybe whoever does this can make access happen out in the park/ bowling/walks etc??

He won't be able to sleep then! Not easily anyway, and it forces some interaction too

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birdworthington · 16/03/2010 18:48

I agree, it is completely rubbish. You can't control what he does but it doesn't stop you being annoyed. When they get fed up of going round tell him it's his own fault because he is not spending quality time with them.

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OTTMummA · 17/03/2010 16:55

if he's got mental health problems, and he's napping when the children are there then i would assume he is finding it hard to cope/deal with them in some way. and not just being a lazy twat.
Its still not acceptable for him to do this though, he has to be able to recognise signs of reverting back to bad patterns and address them espcially where children are concerned.

maybe talk to him and relay what the children have said, and ask him if he thinks the children would benifit from him being awake during visits albeit with a superviser.

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choosyfloosy · 17/03/2010 17:06

my dh used to be too exhausted to stay awake for quite large chunks of time at the weekends (working ft and on strong meds).

Loads better now that he is on much less meds and self-employed. Maybe he is having a bad patch and has upped his meds to deal wtih it.

because i've seen what it's like for my dh i am quite sympathetic to your xh and think he's doing quite well to limit it to an hour. That doesn't mean I think it's OK or that it's safe/all right for your ten year old to be supervising your 13 year old.

I do think I would raise it with him, find out if it's true, and ask that if he is finding it impossible to stay awake throughout, that he consider some extra support, maybe a sitter or a tutor or a relative or something?

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