to want to throttle my 11 yr old dd?

[gypsyme]

It's not fair and I think you're really mean. No not sodding lilly allen but i blame her too. Apparently my dd 'hates her rubbish life where everything is second best' coz I am not willing to fork out a thousand pounds fo a ski trip which i only found out about on friday and apparently have to produce a deposit for tomorrow. had to sit through her morosely staring out of the window in giraffe during a treat of supper out this ievening.. she pushed food around, refused to eat and became catatonic. then came home and kicked off in a way i haven't witnessed before , screaming and shouting that 'it's not fair and i think you're really mean and all my friends get to go and i'm going to be stuck here etc. refused to go to bed still shouting 'it's not fair' tried to remind her that we are going to south east asia for the holiday of a lifetime in august and that as a single parent this is quite an undertaking for me etc. ended up losing it, shouting at her and slamming the sitting room door in her face. oh i feel so crap . . . .

[Mimile]

I guess she is a teenager now... poor you. Must be hard for her if all her friends are going, but you are treating her later on in the year with a fab hol. I guess relativising may still be a bit hard at this age, though.
Wish my Ps had taken me to SE Asia for hols! Is there anyway the ski trip will be subsidised by school or the PTA (bake sells, card sells?)
Could she get a small job to pay for it?

[KurriKurri]

Don't feel crap, she is getting a fabulous holiday in the summer. Life isn't always fair in terms of whether we can have everything we want.
She has had her outburst, and she'll probably have got it out of her system. If she hasn't I'd be tempted to show her some information about children in deprived circumstances who really do have rubbish lives.

[Lemonmeringue]

Are they really all going? My daughter wouldn't be and will probably be camping in the west country this summer. Ride out the tantrum, she'll get over it.

Try not to throttle her.

[GypsyMoth]

ask her tomorrow if everyone got their deposits in......bet they didnt!!

[iwastooearlytobeayummymummy]

Just console her by saying "I expect the flight is booked with BA and they'll be bust soon'

[Vallhala]

Of course everyone else is going, you mean woman! Just as everyone else's parents lets their 11 yo DD stay up til midnight on a school night, go to that party, wear a skirt which looks like a belt and have £50pw pocket money.

Just as everyone else did when I was 11 and my Mum was mean too!

My DDs are teenagers now and I often get told what everyone else is allowed to do and they're not. My saving grace is the fact that the mother of DD1 (14)'s best friend is my friend. So when I get told that Ems is allowed and that I'm mean cos DD1 isn't I just sit back and wait for Em's mum to come over for coffee. Nine times out of 10 it transpires that Em's mum is as mean as me and that DD1 was trying to pull a fast one!

Don't stress, it'll blow over. We all have off days where we lose patience. I'm sure that your DD will come round and realise that she's not so badly off, that Mum is a star for booking a holiday to Asia and that she'll be calmer and apologetic within 24 hours.

[jellybeans]

I've been there many times, very normal at that age. Usually when they say 'everyone....' it's actually only a few people and far from everyone anyway.

[gypsyme]

OMG. Am making pancakes in the kitchen. She's got up and started on me angain, relentlessly and then started howling, really howling and yelling again that 'every single one of my friends is going'. Has now slammed her bedroom door and is refusing to go to school. Am trying to stay calm but feel so cross with her.

[cyb]

Yes stay calm and repeat your position again but don;t enter into debate.Treat her like any other normal morning. She is testing you and trying to make you crack but she will ahve forgotten about it in a while. Don't eneter into discussions about it!

(I have learnt this technique from a great book which is my teen bible it really works)

[seeker]

Broken record technique. Acknowledge her feelings but be adamant."I'm really sorry you feel like that but you cannot go on the trip" - something like that. Don't debate. Don't shout back - if you can manage that! Carry on as usual.

And if she carries on, start calmly removing privileges."I'm really sorry you feel like that, but if you carry on shouting at me you will not be allowed to go into town on Saturday" Or equivalent.

Not everybody will be going anyway - apart from anything else there is never room for "everyone" on these trip!

[iwastooearlytobeayummymummy]

IMO there's probably be a 'back story ' going on about how she feels around this group of friends, which when she's calmer you may need to explore.

At 11 it's unlikely that the 'friendship group'(hate that word with a vengeance but my kids use it all the time) is very secure and she may feel that she has to go on the trip or else she 'll be out of the group.

BTW, This is not a reason for you to acquiesce, as we all need to learn that we can't have everything, and that friendships are based on much more than a school trip.

I'm assuming the trip is for the next academic year anyway, and so these friends may have re-jigged their alliances by then.

Keep calm and carry on

[LoveMyGirls]

Think I would either go for

A - show her whaqt its really like to have a rubbish life, make her do lots of chores, take away all priviledges eg earlier bedtime, no tv, no computer, no going anywhere other than school and places you want to go until she understands her life is a lucky one and she cannot behave in that manner towards her mum

B - ignore and speak in monotone/ repeating I can't afford it so you will not be going until she realises she isn't getting what she wants like I would with a toddler having a huge tantrum over a packet of sweets at the check out.

Once calmer I would sit her down and explain calmly that she is never to treat me that way ever again because it is completely unacceptable and when she has her own children she will understand it. Also that it's not clever to bite the hand that feeds you

[Lemonmeringue]

Did you get her off to school OK, gypsyme?

Details of the book please, cyb.

[gypsyme]

Thanks so much girls. I did get her to school. She refused any breakfast but I drove her in (worried she might run away otherwise!!) and managed a calm chat in the car. Explained to her that it's really important not to show off your worst, most horrible and offensive side when you want something. Also reinforced my complete love for her and reminded her that she is going on an amazing hoiday for all of August which I am still paying for on a monthly basis. I think you are so right 'Iwas". She went to secondary without any peers from primary and am sure the back story pivots around a fear of losing her footing in her friendship circle. Thank you for pointing out that friendships are rooted much more deeply than that, a good point for me to make with her. Am anticipating another erruption later today and will try and try to not take the bait. She has a great quality of life and it's so upsetting to be screamed and yelled at and told 'I hate my life". I am going to cancel our trip to see Alice In Wonderland after school tomorrow as I believe it's important to understand that bad behaviour has consequences. Luckily DD2 has already seen it! Off to work now to provide the lovely stuff of life that they do enjoy!! Yes please give us details of the book cyb and thanks to all of you for your really helpful inputs.

[majafa]

Just found this thread, some brillant replies must try to remember them :-)
I too have an eleventeen he really is very horrible most some of the time.

[oldernowiser]

It's not just my nearly 11 year old then!! Sorry you had such a crap time, stick to your guns, you sound much better at handling it than me, I tend to turn into a banshee once she moves from fury (which I can handle)to insolence (which drives me mad)

[oldernowiser]

Shineon, will you come round and adopt mine please?

[WhereYouLeftIt]

Just a thought - if all her friends are going, how come you didn't find out about it until Friday? Wouldn't she have been enthused by the idea and talking about it, bending your ear endlessly for the last few weeks?

The fact that this obviously didn't happen presumably means that she wasn't interested enough to raise the issue with you before, but has just gone into a late panic about it.

Surely the school hasn't just miracled this trip out of the air?

[oldernowiser]

1000 quid

Why do schools do this? It does seem a bit much to expect from parents, especiaaly those with more than one child close in ages. That would mean no family holiday that year for us. What's wrong with outdoor pursuits in this country or something

[fiveisanawfullybignumber]

If she continues shouting and slamming doors etc, just get a screwdriver and remover her bedroom door at the hinges.
In our house if you don't treat others with respect, you get none yourself, privacy included.
Only had to do it once, worked a treat!!!