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AIBU?

AIBU to want to sell the house ...

20 replies

tesrocks · 18/02/2010 15:18

and burn the sofa as DH let my mate suck his dick on it? I also want to rip her head off and kick him so hard that he might feel a tiny bit of the pain I am feeling. I have jus bought a new sofa and some Chanel sunglasses - have blown my overdraft limit. I seem to move between extreme sadness and violence in milli seconds at the moment.

OP posts:

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tulpe · 18/02/2010 15:20

YANBU.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I totally understand the sadness/violence mood swings (not because of any actions of the current Mr Tulpe but way, way back in the dim and distant murky past of Ex-land......)

LadyRabbit · 18/02/2010 15:25

No. YA deffo NBU. Some mate she is. Want to echo tulpe's comment, been there, can't believe I put up with it so long, thank Gawd I got away and found a decent OH. It's the ultimate betrayal when it happens in your shared home, feels like there's nowhere you can go to escape.
Sod the overdraft, enjoy the Chanel sunglasses, extreme times, extreme measures and all that.

Prinpo · 18/02/2010 15:27

Oh tesrocks, I'm so bloody sorry. What a twatting arsehole. When did you find out? Whatever you do, you need some time for you to decide what you want to do next. Can he go and stay somewhere? Have you got really good friends, without any agendas of their own, who will just let you talk and scream for however long it takes? Give yourself plenty of time, don't let yourself be talked into anything at all, make sure your decisions are all your own. So so sorry.

shockers · 18/02/2010 15:33

YANBU... pair of twats.

tesrocks · 18/02/2010 15:36

Thank you for your quick responses. I found out a few days ago. Mate told me on phone it happened last year but she wanted to let me know now. I flipped out on here about it recently, said far too much don't want other people to get hurt.

Haven't decided what to do. Just watched "My sisters' keeper" which had me in tears but do you know what it did put things into perspective.

Glad it is all in the past for you tulpe and lady rabbit - really tough deciding what to do for the best. So furious that he has put me in this position. Have spoken to friends in RL but find it tricky as don't want to let them hate him in case I find it possible to stay with him.

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notanumber · 18/02/2010 15:39

Oh gosh, what a mess tesrocks.

While your impulse to sell and burn things is decidedly not unreasonable, there are perhaps more constructive ways of processing your emotions.

How do things stand between you and your husband? Is it possible to work things out with him? Do you want to work things out with him? In which case, what are the plans for doing that?

Think about what you want and need from the future (with or without your husband). Do you need him to move out for a while? Would you benefit from a break from him and your home? How about counselling?

Try to focus on what can be done to move things forward rather than on revenge (I know that's easier said than done).

I hope you have support from your family and friends at the moment. This is clearly a horrible time for you.

Prinpo · 18/02/2010 15:50

I understand that you don't want friends and family to hate him, in case things do work out. Perhaps you can say that to them, ie that you really need to talk and talk and talk but that you just need them to listen and give you the space to express all the hurt and anger. People sometimes feel they have to turn against the other person to show their support for you but if they realise that you don't want them to do that then perhaps they could be a good source of support.

I'd echo the suggestion of counselling. He needs to understand why he did this. No amount of apology will make it better unless he addresses the root of what was going on for him. He's risked his entire family's happiness and he needs to know why if he's to avoid doing it again.

tesrocks · 18/02/2010 15:53

Notanumber it is a gigantic mess and I don't know how to fix it. I am a fixer. When horrid things happen I stay strong for everyone else and get it fixed. My glass is always half full and I always think the best of everyone. What a silly witch I am!

I have been invited to a friends birthday tomorrow night. DH is not invited, they don't know hime. Its new friends from a course I'm on. Thinking terrible thoughts about going and not coming home for the night. I haven't had a drink since the day i found out - when I found out I got completely wasted and threw up all night, hence alchol is now banished as I know if i did start I wouldn't be able to stop. DH said it wouldn't have happened (the BJ) if he was sober so he has stopped drinking - I think the local offy is going to go out of business!

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groundhogs · 18/02/2010 15:55

Make your DH and your (i hope to GOD) EX-friend pay for the ffing sofa! What a pair of skanks!

Kick HER to the kerb once and for all, and if you feel you can get past it and keep going with your DH, put him on a red card warning, one slip and he's out of the door too.

I really feel for you, I hope you find some peace soon...

Seriously, get them to pay for the sofa, least they can do...

tesrocks · 18/02/2010 15:57

We have been to counselling in the past, only once, but we both promised to work harder at our relationship and didn't go back.

We have been talking a lot but last night we went round in circles so many times - in the end I just had to say unless you have anything new to say just shut up. He shut up. I have a huge fear that i don't know everything - he swears that he has been honest but natrually I can't belive him. The hideous x-mate would tell me but there is no way I would ever ever speak to her again. Feels pathetic asking a mutual friend to ask her - I feel I am back in secondary school this is crazy.

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notanumber · 18/02/2010 16:01

tesrocks, what has your husband said about the incident, other than that he was drunk?

I am presuming that he wishes to repair the damage to your relationship, so has he looked into the reasons why he did this ("I was pissed and she came on to me" isn't really a reason I'm afraid)? What was going on in your relationship that allowed him to think that such a thing was possible?

Once you've got this information from him (it will be a hard, hard conversation I know) you need to establish what he would like to do to progress the situation.

If you're going to salvage things, both of you need to be honest, receptive and work together to make it happen. You may be a "fixer" tes, but you can't fix this on your own.

tesrocks · 18/02/2010 16:01

X-hideous mate is a single mum with no job and huge debts - would not take a penny from her though even if she was minted.

DH runs his own business which makes no money as yet. As a student I have got overdraft facility and my goodness I have used it! Hoping I will have a job come September and will thus feel liberated and independant again. Maybe then i will have the balls to keep him out and become a cougar!! Read about this ladies recently who take a much younger lover! I can't believe I keep cracking jokes.

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tesrocks · 18/02/2010 16:07

Notanumber, the scenario is that we had a row while we were at a party. When we got home (I went striaght to bed) while DH and x mate sat on the sofa and talked about sex and why she didn't have a b friend. She leaned over undid his flies and sucked him for a "few seconds" he "realised what was happening" and stopped her and came up to our bedroom. Apparently.

I have pressured him so much to tell me everything that I have heard this story about 100 times now.

In summary our marriage has had ups and downs but we do love each other and do have a family together. Just have no idea how to figure out what to do. Can't stand the thought of another evening of me glaring at him while he looks at me all sad and pathetic. Thank you again for listening to such a sorry tale.

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notanumber · 18/02/2010 16:09

Sorry, tes, xposted.

Ok. So your discussions are stalled because he is sticking to his "I was drunk" story and you've told him just to shut up.

This is all still very raw and I can understand that you find discussing it with him incredibly difficult.

But if you are going to make this relationship work, you have to at some stage, make the leap of faith to trust that he is telling you the truth, otherwise what kind of relationship will it be, rebuilt on suspicions and mistrust?

If you can't do this, if you truly believe that he is lying to you and won't back down (whether you're correct about this or not), then you need to consider whether there is a relationship left to save.

You've got to keep talking, tes. And revisiting the counsellor is probably not a bad idea at this stage. Just because you didn't stick at it last time doesn't mean it can't be helpful to you now.

GypsyMoth · 18/02/2010 16:12

didnt you have a thread about this the other day?

i'd get rid of more than the sofa...

Prinpo · 18/02/2010 16:18

I really agree with notanumber. You need to feel that you've heard the whole story, you need to feel in your heart that he's telling you the truth and that you are both trying to figure out what went wrong. Counselling may help with that. It may help you to move forward, to feel as though there's a safe environment in which you don't have to take responsibility for keeping the conversation on track and to know that you can then have some time off from going round in circles at home.

If you feel you can't trust him and that he's not being straight with you then I too would consider where you go from there. The biggest danger in those situations can be that once fantastic, strong, glass-half-full kinda people slowly get all their energy and fabulousness chipped away...

AnyFucker · 18/02/2010 16:21

I remember you

I am sorry to hear you really don't seem to have got any further with this

I don't believe his story, FWIW

I am not sure how I could move forward with this, if I thought I was being lied to

it is unlikely you will get the full truth though, the only witnesses being him and her

I guess it depends on if you can live with that

tesrocks · 18/02/2010 17:12

Sorry it is me from other day. Yes I am going round in cicles was a complete mess when I posted on here, haven't had a drink since then.

Just spoke to friend in RL who knows the score she is in shock and is struggling to believe this happened too. She does however believe my DH as the x mate is a bit psycho at times and I know pretty much 100% that DH has never fancied her.

Thank you again for all your messages I will get it sorted just really appreciate having some much needed advice.

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heQet · 18/02/2010 18:33

Why did your friend decide to tell you this now, a year after the event? Something must have happened to make her do this, surely? Has he tried to contact her or anything? Just seems an odd thing to decide to tell you after so long.

I hope you can sort out how you feel and what you want to do. Talk talk talk. It's very hard to get them to be honest because they are focused on 'damage limitation', that's the problem.

AnyFucker · 18/02/2010 18:58

heq, according to Op's other thread, this "friend" had been on one of these "12 step courses" or summat that advocate total and complete honesty

total and complte twattery, more like,...

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