AIBU re. meeting up with school friends?

[beaker25]

AIBU regarding meeting up with old school friends.

I suspect I am but just wondered what others think!

At school I had a group of six close female friends. I?m still in contact with two of them, and see them all the time, but for various reasons have drifted apart from the rest. There is one in the group, lets call her friend A, who is still a v close friend of mine, and she?s very keen that we don?t all lose contact with each other.

She?s decided to arrange a meet up and copied everyone in on a quite guilt trippy (I felt) email. ?We have to meet up soon or we?ll all lose contact? sort of thing. Anyway, a date was decided and they decided to meet near our home town, which is quite far from me now so I?ll have to spend the night there. London is actually easiest for all of to get too, but two of the girls hate London and find it intimidating so we can?t meet there. I sent a non committal reply saying that I would try to make it but that I may be too busy as I might be moving house around that time. (It turns out I?m not moving house at that time now- so I no longer have that excuse)

Basically I don?t really want to go, friend A is insistent that we all go, but I see her all the time anyway. I don?t feel I have much in common with the other girls, which is why we?ve drifted apart. I also find ?girly evenings? quite uncomfortable and not particularly enjoyable. I don?t really like all the drinking cocktails and gossiping stuff, I prefer to just go to the pub with a mixed group! I also don?t want to spend most of the weekend away from home. Something else has also come up on the date we set, which I?d rather do. Friend A has declined on my behalf though, saying that we have prior engagements that can?t be rearranged.

I know that if I make up an excuse now and say I can?t go, they will re-arrange, but I don?t feel I can really say I just don?t want to go.

Would I be horrible and massively selfish to pretend to be ill on the day? That way they could all still meet up, but I wouldn?t have to go!

[BendyBob]

YANBU. I can understand why you don't want to go. I'm not a big fan of reviving the past either.

Friend A is the one driving this meetup? And she is also the one whom you still see anyway.

Some people just cannot or will not take a hint or no for an answer. When those times arise then yes, I'd pretend to be ill.

She sounds determined though. Will she leave it at that. Is she likely to try for another meetup cos you weren't at the first one? You might have to admit to her straight that's it's not your thing and stick to your guns.

God, I hate being cornered. Even if it's done with nice intentions, it gets on my wick.

[AppleTreeWick]

Friend A declined the alternative social engagement on your behalf but you hadn't said a firm yes yet (as you were to be moving)???? God she really is desperate for you to go isn't she?

Anyway, you don't want to go. That's fine don't go. We just need to decide what you're going to say then.

Lying would normally be my first option as well but the sickness thing won't work as you will have to invent a B&B booking and that would mean you couldnt attend the more interesting social option either...

Hmm if you actually want to go to the alt. social engagement you may have to go for the truth...sorry.

[beaker25]

Yes friend A is very keen that everyone has to attend!

Bendy Bob- I hadn't thought ahead that far but that's true, no matter how good my excuse she will probably just arrange another one as I missed it.

I'm relieved that other people would feel the same way!

I think if I don't go I will just stay home, and not go to the other place, as I will defitely get caught out if I go out.

I have tried before to 'gently' say to friend A that I'm not that concerned about everyone keeping in contact, and that people drift apart for a reason. (It's a bit of an ongoing issue with her!) Maybe I need to be more blunt? She's a really good friend though and I know it'll upset her if I tell her the truth- arrgh!

[BendyBob]

You're going to have to tell her straight I fear.

I'm all for being tactful and a white lie re being ill where necessary - I've done it when there was no escape - but she doesn't want to let this go does she?

Before you know it you'll be doing it regularly; it won't stay as a one off thing.

I agree, people tend to drift apart for a reason. You grow up and move on. You'd all still be in touch now if you'd wanted to be.

[displayuntilbestbefore]

YANBU not to want to go. If you are still in contact with the ones you want to be in contact with then no point meeting up with the others if you're not keen to revive anything.

I agree with others who say better to just be honest about it with friend A. She might not understand but would surely respect your decision and it saves you having to make up excuses for future events when if you're honest now you won't get cornered again.

[AppleTreeWick]

Yep, yep the early consensus: short term pain (truth) for long term gain.

[beaker25]

Perhaps my best option is to tell everyone that I am ill for this particular meet up, and then take friend A aside seperately and tell her the truth. I don't want to upset the rest of the girls by letting them know that I don't want to see them, but friend A will have to know or it will just come up again and again.

I think the wider issue is that friend A is single and I'm not. I see friend a alot, just us two but I don't tend to go on 'girls nights out' and I think she wants me too!

[swanandduck]

I know where you're coming from. We had a school reunion recently and I really didn't want to go. An old school friend who was travelling from overseas to attend kept emailing and phoning me about it and even asked my mother to persuade me to go (which she didn't). Eventually, when I just kept saying no I'm not going, she got the message and apologised really nicely for harrassing me about it. Maybe your friend genuinely doesn't understand that you just do not want to revive the old group and might back off if you explain? I don't really think being single or not has anything to do with it. I have married friends who love girly nights out and single friends who hate them. It's all down to different personalities and your friend needs to realise that you don't feel the same way as her.

[Rejessta]

I am generally against lying. I would explain to friend A that you're out and let her deal with it. Trying to ease out of it will just create confusion and is going to be unfair for everybody - they will try to accommodate your concerns because they think you want to come.

It's also a bad habit to get into - why should you have to dream up excuses to 'get out of' things you don't want to do? You're a grown woman, you know your own mind, so just speak it.