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AIBU?

to be annoyed by my MIL cutting my daughter's hair without asking us?

77 replies

parakeet · 14/02/2010 21:49

OK, she only took a little off - I didn't actually notice afterwards (daughter has curly hair, so it's less obvious). I only know because she told me later.

But it's the principle surely! It happened when my husband was visiting her without me, and he asked her to comb daughter's hair in the bath while he was putting our older child to bed - it's the easiest way to comb it with loads of conditioner, because of said curls.

MIL told me later she was encountering knots so she "nipped the ends off" - whatever that means. Actually I know where the tangles usually are, so I think in some places she must have cut off 1 or 2 cm.

You may say as I didn't notice, what's the problem, but it made me a little sad, because at that point my daughter had never had her hair cut, so the first time I cut it I wanted to keep a lock, so it would be a lock of her baby hair. As her hair was only about 2mm long when she was born, my MIL must have cut off her baby hair.

OK, I'm being a sentimental old fool about it, but that's the way I feel. I wanted to keep a lock of her original hair that she was born with and now I can't.

And putting that issue aside - the cheek of it anyway! I think if she couldn't be arsed to comb it properly, she should have said so. If we just keep cutting tangles out, daughter will end up looking like a scarecrow.

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JamesAndTheGiantBanana · 14/02/2010 21:54

Aaw you're probably going to be highly flamed for this thread, which is sad because I can totally understand why you'd feel a bit sad about not being there/doing her first haircut. And yes, she shouldn't have done it without your permission.

Have you told your mil you were unhappy with her taking that decision out of your hands? I know a few women on here have had someone else cut their child's hair, or even pierce their ears without gaining permission! (The latter would be a punchable offence, to me!)

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DarrellRivers · 14/02/2010 21:54

This doesn't need to be a big issue
Fair enough if she had re-styled her hair completely
Just cut off a lock now and keep it
YABU

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crankytwanky · 14/02/2010 22:02

My first thought on seeing the title was Noooo YANBU, but having read that she just snipped some knots out, I'd let it go.

DH was there, and it's not like she re-styled it for her own pleasure. I understand, honestly, but I'd take off a ringlet to keep now. I was once like you about my DCs curls, so a very gentle yabu, in lower case, from me.

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DuelingFanjo · 14/02/2010 22:02

I don't think YABU. I think it's extremely rude. On the other hand presumably your Husband gave 'permission' so your husband has taken the decision out of your hands as much as your MIL did.

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parakeet · 14/02/2010 22:24

No, she didn't ask my husband, he didn't even know about it til I told him. He was busy with our other child at the time. If she had asked his permission, of course there would be no issue.

To answer James' question, no I didn't tell her how I felt - it seemed pointless because what's done is done - and you can't put the hair back on, right?

However my husband and daughters have just gone back for another overnight visit, and I told him that under no circumstances was he to allow another hair-cut, as "I just like to cut her hair myself". He will tell MIL this if she ends up doing the bath again - it's probably best coming from him but I'm afraid there's a shameful little part of me that is secretly glad she will get the message that I am not happy about it. Terrible aren't I?

And yes, I have done the lock now.

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Onestonetogo · 14/02/2010 22:32

YANBU!

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sammac · 14/02/2010 22:33

I share your anguish-
When my mum was in having my little brother, I was staying with my grandparents- I was 3. My nana took me to a BARBERS!! and got my lovely long hair cut into, best described as a pudding bowl cut My mum came home home clutching her newly born and I ran up to her and she burst out crying at the sight of me- shorn.

She always remembered it and brought it up regularly when arguing with my dad( they've been married for 50 years now!) about how he would never stand up to his mother and that was no 1 prime example. I always had long hair as a child and mum did lots of nice things to it.

I don't remember it but have pics and it's obvious that my mum was trying to prettify the disaster that was inflicted on me.

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parakeet · 14/02/2010 22:43

Now that really IS unreasonable. Puts my experience into perspective.

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2rebecca · 14/02/2010 22:53

I think taking a child for a haircut is different no nipping off a tangled bit so small that you didn't notice.
Surely the baby hair will still be there if the length isn't greatly changed?
My kids rubbed most of their baby hair off on the end of the cot, I never kept it. This wouldn't have bothered me, a haircut would have.

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TabithaTwitchet · 14/02/2010 22:57

YANBU - my MIL actually tried to cut DD's hair the other day, without asking when she and DH were at their house without me.
It would have been vv annoying as I am trying to grow out DD's fringe, and it would have been cut short again, fortunately DD wouldn't keep still and she had to give up.

My mum did it without asking too, when we were staying with them when DD was about 5 months and I was in the shower
I am over it now, but was quite annoyed at the time (even though, to be honest it looked better after the trim)

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Coldhands · 14/02/2010 23:01

YANBU.

Ok so she didn't take much off but that is not really the point. It is not her place to cut your childs hair, especially without asking. I would get your DH to say something.

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derrymac · 14/02/2010 23:13

YANBU - she could have asked your husband if he thought he should do it/ring to ask u if u wanted her to do it. My exMIL did several things FIRST with my newborn DS1 - like his first outing in the car, she jumped out of car and picked him up and plonked him in pram and tried to wheel him ahead of me! His first baby clinic, she carried his car seat in and sat down with him facing her, so I couldn't even see him! Hopefully yours won't do anything else, and this time might have not been a deliberate undermining, she might just have been tryin to find a solution in a hurry.

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LegendLay · 15/02/2010 01:28

YANBU. I would have been pissed off.

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lowenergylightbulb · 15/02/2010 08:30

YABU, she only snipped out the tangles - she probably didn't want to hurt your DD.

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matumble · 15/02/2010 08:44

YANBU my daughter has curly hair and getting into snipping out the tangles isn't going to help either of you, if she thinks that's a solution I suspect she will fight the combing more, mine would. plus i once made the mistake of letting a hairdresser put layers into her hair, only small ones and its made any sort of hairstyle quite difficult because actually a tiny bit in curly hair makes a big difference. I would be furious and I speak as someone whose MIL did take my daughter for her first few haircuts, with my permission though

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PuppyMonkey · 15/02/2010 08:47

Can understand you being upset in a way. However, at least she told you.... you wouldn't have known if she hadn't been up front and mentioned it. Would it have been better for her to have done it and not said anything?

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WoTmania · 15/02/2010 08:47

YANBU - bloomin' liberty IMO

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CantThinkofFunnyName · 15/02/2010 08:55

YANBU! My MIL cut a fringe into my DDs hair once when I was adamant that I never wanted her to have a fringe. Has taken me years to sort it out. I was really cross and so should you be.

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ChippingIn · 15/02/2010 10:40

YANBU - surely everyone knows that the first hair cut is a biggie - yes it was only a little bit this time (but possibly all her 'baby' hair) and if you don't put your foot down now about appropriate decision making - then it might be a pudding bowl later

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AccioPinotGrigio · 15/02/2010 10:51

YANBU - my MIL did this with ds. She did several awful DIY jobs on his head. Worst of all she denied having done it. effectively calling ds a liar - she tried the - he's only 3 and is therefore confused and can't be trusted line. Dreadful it was.

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CakeandRoses · 15/02/2010 16:11

You are right. My friend had a similiar thing happen but with her mother not her MIL. Blooming rude I think.

I haven't quite got up the guts to cut my DS's (16 months) hair for the first time so he's currently sporting a flyaway 70s number! I would be enraged if someone else decided to get in there first!

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shatteredmumsrus · 15/02/2010 16:27

Id be a bit miffed too - my MIL did this to my son but she shaved it all off and it looked awful. I went mad (in private). Dont make a big fuss of it tho it isnt worth the grief. I understand tho

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ginormoboobs · 15/02/2010 16:28

YANBU
She could have shouted to ask your DH if it was ok.
If her hair is starting to have tangles in the same place , she probably does need a trim. It is your place to decide that , not your MIL.
Try using a spray bottle of watered down conditioner on her hair during the day. Spritz her hair and leave it for a little while , comb and leave to dry. It makes the curls look lovely and gets rid of any knots that are starting to form. If you are doing that and it is still knotty at the end of the day , it needs a trim.

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toomuchmonthatendofthemoney · 15/02/2010 16:32

Yanbu in my book, to me the issue is not so much the amount of hair taken off, its simply that she didnt ask beforehand if this was ok.

I would expect anyone to ask before they took scissors to my childs hair.

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TrillianAstra · 15/02/2010 16:35

She's clearly crap at combing.

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