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Am I being petty? Ds, 5, doesn't have a huge amount of toys, though probably more than this friend, though they are middle class and academic. Lately, every time the [very sweet] little girl comes over, she takes something home, hidden in her pocket. I found out when she produced a gadget ds had 'lost' a while back and said it was hers - ds was upset as it was the same as the one he had lost, but I didn't want to jump to conclusions. the next time she came when her mum came to pick her up she had her hands in her pockets and I teased her about her hands and her mum was there, and her mum looked, and she had taken two of ds's cars. I am not cross with the girl, the poor thing burst into tears and hid under the table and I felt awful, the only way I could get her to come out from the table and stop crying was to give her a kinder egg with a toy, which felt a bit weird, rewarding her for taking stuff, but the mum's behaviour annoyed me. She told her off but very quickly, and did not explain why you shouldn't take other children's things. I have asked the mum to bring back this gadget ds loved, but she has never brought it back. The same mum brings her ds, 3, over too [NT] who literally destroys ds's toys, drops them from heights and pulls them apart, and the mum says nothing.
I like the mum otherwise, should I have a straight conversation with her? Should I stop being petty? Ds has had so many toys broken by her ds, and now is getting toys [small ones] taken away, it gets a bit stressful having them over. Am I being awful?
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Note: Please bear in mind that this topic encourages posters to give their opinions - i.e. they might disagree with you. That said, in line with our Talk policy elsewhere, we don't allow personal attacks no matter how unreasonable you think someone is. Do report any you see. Thanks, MNHQ.
to be a bit fed up with ds's friend's mum who has not addressed the stealing, even if only small things? |
(51 Posts) |
Not as far as I know. Friend just mentioned she'd been taking books home without asking.
Has the dd been in trouble for stealing at school, or was she taking another childs things from another home and your friend told you? I'm wondering if her teacher could speak to the mum on a professional basis if it was the former, cos ultimately no-one will invite them to their homes if one child steals and the other trashes the place.
The mum might confide in the teacher if she's struggling.
The mum might confide in the teacher if she's struggling.
OMG that is just awful - it sounds like there are a lot of factors behind her stealing , a real inequality there. telling her she will get fat 
They are essentially good children [well all children are really] I feel sorry for the dd in so many ways - the mum is a bit overweight [not huge] but constantly on a diet, and imposes her food worries onto her dd, won't let her eat bread, only one biscuit, keeps telling her she'll get fat if she eats more, whilst her ds gets to eat anything he wants. I feel more and more that her dd stealing stems from a lack of attention at home, and her ds getting preferred treatment 
Really starting to feel so sorry for the girl as more of your posts go ahead....
I have a little boy who comes over and takes toys and hurls them across the room his sister is DDs best friend. When they arrive now they do to an almost empty room and I keep them in one room. It has really infringed on how the girls play and interact, so I am striggling with this at the moment and reading with interest...
I have a little boy who comes over and takes toys and hurls them across the room his sister is DDs best friend. When they arrive now they do to an almost empty room and I keep them in one room. It has really infringed on how the girls play and interact, so I am striggling with this at the moment and reading with interest...
Tell the mum that future play dates need to be on neutral territory as your child's toys are being broken and stolen and this is teaching your DS that his belongings and feelings aren't valuable, when they are. If people don't respect your house how can you teach your children to? It is unfair on your ds and puts you in an awkward position.
This woman is doing neither of her kids any favours, or teaching them how to behave properly.
In my house, I would speak up if I found a childs' behaviour unacceptable, and in front of the mother if she was there. Coming from a different culture is no excuse, I'm sure in every culture there are punishments for stealing and wilful damage. Would she let them behave like this anywhere else?
Discipline her kids as you would your own because she obviously has no idea, and she could learn from your example. When they first arrive, you talk to the children altogether and explain the rules, no going upstairs, play where we can see you, eating at the table ( or where you choose), if anything gets broken or goes missing they will not be able to come again. Even the 3yo should be able to understand this. Then everyone knows where they stand, including the mother.
Definitely secure rooms and only supply a limited amount of toys, preferably large enough not to be hidden and pinched. You can get extra tall safety gates for dogs, they would keep the 3yo downstairs!But frankly, I would limit the number of visits to your home and only see this family somewhere else at other times. Taking advantage of your good nature and using your home as an entertainment slot for her kids is seriously ill-mannered.
In my house, I would speak up if I found a childs' behaviour unacceptable, and in front of the mother if she was there. Coming from a different culture is no excuse, I'm sure in every culture there are punishments for stealing and wilful damage. Would she let them behave like this anywhere else?
Discipline her kids as you would your own because she obviously has no idea, and she could learn from your example. When they first arrive, you talk to the children altogether and explain the rules, no going upstairs, play where we can see you, eating at the table ( or where you choose), if anything gets broken or goes missing they will not be able to come again. Even the 3yo should be able to understand this. Then everyone knows where they stand, including the mother.
Definitely secure rooms and only supply a limited amount of toys, preferably large enough not to be hidden and pinched. You can get extra tall safety gates for dogs, they would keep the 3yo downstairs!But frankly, I would limit the number of visits to your home and only see this family somewhere else at other times. Taking advantage of your good nature and using your home as an entertainment slot for her kids is seriously ill-mannered.
Helloall - yes, that's a very good and insightful post. I well remember the 'trashing' stage - it's stressful but largely survivable. And I agree that the mum might have spoken to her dd at home, or that being caught might have nipped the problem in the bud.
However, the wider problem of the mum's reaction remains. She doesn't back pofaced up when she tries to set limits in her own home (such as no food upstairs), even to the stage of pofaced having to carry a screaming child downstairs. She knows toys have been broken, and doesn't seem to make any effort to get her children to be more careful, nor has she offered to replace the broken toys. She hasn't brought back the toy that was taken either.
Taken together, this is hardly going to help these children come out the other side of these particular phases, and I think there is a big difference between inviting a family to your house knowing that all the dcs will have fun together, and you'll have to do the tidying at the end (having had a nice grown-up time with another mum), and knowing that the guest dcs are going to break toys, unchecked by their mother, and might even take them, and they are unlikely to be dealt with effectively by the mum.
The former is normal when having children round to play in the early years, the latter crosses the line to stressful and unpleasant.
However, the wider problem of the mum's reaction remains. She doesn't back pofaced up when she tries to set limits in her own home (such as no food upstairs), even to the stage of pofaced having to carry a screaming child downstairs. She knows toys have been broken, and doesn't seem to make any effort to get her children to be more careful, nor has she offered to replace the broken toys. She hasn't brought back the toy that was taken either.
Taken together, this is hardly going to help these children come out the other side of these particular phases, and I think there is a big difference between inviting a family to your house knowing that all the dcs will have fun together, and you'll have to do the tidying at the end (having had a nice grown-up time with another mum), and knowing that the guest dcs are going to break toys, unchecked by their mother, and might even take them, and they are unlikely to be dealt with effectively by the mum.
The former is normal when having children round to play in the early years, the latter crosses the line to stressful and unpleasant.
Impossible I'm afraid! She just wouldn't understand. I think i'm going to have to decide between an adult only friendship or explaining to her why I feel hesitant.
We had problems with other kids constantly breaking toys when DS2 was 4/5. I do try to chill thinking "it's just stuff", but when you have children who respect their belongings and get upset when others don't I think it's right to support them. A lot of DS2's toys had been handed down intact from his brother who is nearly 6 years older. We finally insisted that children stayed downstairs - with less previous/fragile stuff - and stuck to it. Luckily we had a room they could play in, but I'd have been equally happy to sit in the kitchen and let them have the living room.
Like others, I think locks are the way to go. Put a bolt on the outside of your DS's room, high up where the kids can't reach it (cheap and easy) and when they come again say nicely to the mum "we've done a bit of re-arranging upstairs and from now on I'd like the kids to stay downstairs". If her kids do go upstairs they won't be able to get in your son's room, and no doubt you'll be aware of that at which stage you say "do you want to go and tell him/her to come back down or shall I?". If that doesn't work then really, I think it's an adult only friendship or the park!
Like others, I think locks are the way to go. Put a bolt on the outside of your DS's room, high up where the kids can't reach it (cheap and easy) and when they come again say nicely to the mum "we've done a bit of re-arranging upstairs and from now on I'd like the kids to stay downstairs". If her kids do go upstairs they won't be able to get in your son's room, and no doubt you'll be aware of that at which stage you say "do you want to go and tell him/her to come back down or shall I?". If that doesn't work then really, I think it's an adult only friendship or the park!
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