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I have posted oodles of times about my mother, about how she's demanding and quite hard work.
- How she ruined my graduation day by turning it into a day about her.
- How we swore to ourselves that she could never stay in our house again after causing so much upset last time that even the dc's were in tears because they didnt know what to do or who to listen to.
- How we have asked her for Xmas but to stay at hotel 5 mins up the road, with car included and she's declined. Despite that there will be 5 of us already in impossibly small 3 bedroom house.
So she calls me and says 'oh I hope I can see the baby a couple of weeks after the birth - I dont want to wait 6 weeks or something' and I said of course, she could come down and I asked if she was gonna stay in hotel up road.
But no, she was going to stay here 'only for a couple of days'
Now I know youre all going to say that it will be a good help but you dont know my mother, it will consist of a couple of days of:
- me picking her up from station and returning her because she wont drive her own car down here
- her constantly complaining of how tired she is because when the baby wakes, it woke her up
- constant criticism of dh and why isnt he doing more
- constant comments about how silly breastfeeding is
- refusal to get up much before midday due to aforementioned tiredness, then watching re-runs on Sky Gold. So no getting up early to help with ds or walk him to school.
- every day a chorus of 'shall we go out to eat, I'll pay'! Then moaning about money spent etc
I feel really mean and a bit unreasonable, but I just think it will be unbearable and to be honest I wouldnt even want my best friend in the whole worls to stay with me when baby comes, I just want to get on with it, in my own way.
<dons hardhat>
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Note: Please bear in mind that this topic encourages posters to give their opinions - i.e. they might disagree with you. That said, in line with our Talk policy elsewhere, we don't allow personal attacks no matter how unreasonable you think someone is. Do report any you see. Thanks, MNHQ.
To ask my mother NOT to stay with us after birth of baby? |
(47 Posts) |
oh well if I collapse on the floor I wont call you then until Im better
Sounds about right yes, in fact if your better don't bother calling
Just book the hotel and a taxi to pick her up and take her there
Sounds about right yes, in fact if your better don't bother calling
Just book the hotel and a taxi to pick her up and take her there
(Hey Rendered Speechless - what happened in the end - how long did she stay with your brother??)
wow some great advice here thanks loads 
She hasnt mentioned it since, although she did say to ds (4) yesterday 'yes grandma's coming to stay soon'
. Im sure she believes that she will be staying here, but after reading this thread and talking to friends I know that I have every right to say 'NO' and that we will need this time to spend together as a family and adjust to all the changes ahead.
She has been quite demanding this week, phoning for things like 'how do I put batteries in a remote' and two phonecalls about car insurance which I have ignored and shes then gone on to sort it out herself. I did say to her yesterday that I love chatting to her on the phone and having a gossip but if its other stuff like above, can she sort it, to which she replied 'oh well if I collapse on the floor I wont call you then until Im better' <sigh> - just reinforces my choice to NOT have her stay with us.
She hasnt mentioned it since, although she did say to ds (4) yesterday 'yes grandma's coming to stay soon'
. Im sure she believes that she will be staying here, but after reading this thread and talking to friends I know that I have every right to say 'NO' and that we will need this time to spend together as a family and adjust to all the changes ahead.She has been quite demanding this week, phoning for things like 'how do I put batteries in a remote' and two phonecalls about car insurance
which I have ignored and shes then gone on to sort it out herself. I did say to her yesterday that I love chatting to her on the phone and having a gossip but if its other stuff like above, can she sort it, to which she replied 'oh well if I collapse on the floor I wont call you then until Im better' <sigh> - just reinforces my choice to NOT have her stay with us.You know that just because she invites herself to stay with you, it doesn't mean you have to let her. Just say "no, sorry, that won't work. You're more than welcome to visit, but you will need to stay in a hotel." And then stick to it. You are not required to offer a reason or defend your decision. If she starts protesting, just interrupt her and change the subject. If she is flying in and you are picking her up, make sure she goes to her hotel to check in first - once she is esconced in your house, she might not leave! (I say this because we had guests years ago that did just that - they hadn't actually booked a hotel, just SAID they did, then came to our house initially and just didn't leave. What a nightmare! Never ever again!)
YANBU. My mum is great (not perfect!) and MIL is ok (but getting worse) and I don't want them anywhere near the house after DC1 is born, and have told them that! Only after paternity leave finishes. When MIL suggested coming up to help immediately after the birth incase I'm in hospital and her DS (DH) needs her, I said NO. No way I want her in my house without me there.
Even if your mum was the best in the world, you STILL wouldn't be unreasonable not to have her to stay. It's your house, your marriage which comes first. I like the advice people have given to say "I'll book the hotel, tell me which date", giving her no other option at all. And tell her it's the travelodge, without explaining, or apologising, but just being clear and using as few words as possible.
Hope it all gets sorted out before DC arrives. x
Even if your mum was the best in the world, you STILL wouldn't be unreasonable not to have her to stay. It's your house, your marriage which comes first. I like the advice people have given to say "I'll book the hotel, tell me which date", giving her no other option at all. And tell her it's the travelodge, without explaining, or apologising, but just being clear and using as few words as possible.
Hope it all gets sorted out before DC arrives. x
hi mosschops. your dilemma sounds like the opposite of what i had. mine was trying to get rid of a friend who'd allegedly come to help me with my newborn. i had seriously excellent support and advice on that thread, some of which could easily apply to your situation.
so, to paraphrase, i'd suggest that you are nice, but firm and clear about it. you dont have to make excuses, seek permission or apologise for your decision. whats paramount is the babymoon for you and your family and your need for rest, peace, stability and enjoying valuable loving time together. you should not have that potentially undermined by ANYONE - especiallyy even your mother.
could you not say something like:
"we understand that you are really looking forward to seeing the baby and dcs. it'll be good to see you; the xxx date or xxx date are good for us. we are still happy to book xxx hotel and you're still welcome to use my car while you are here. can you let us know by next week which date is best you and we'll book it."
i really understand about difficult relationships - i also have one of those with my mum. my baby will be 2 months soon and my mum hasnt seen her yet. to be fair, she lives outside the uk, but im not encouraging her to come over any time soon. round about dd's graduation would suit me! (and maybe THAT is too soon.) she was a royal nightmare after i had my ds.
so, to paraphrase, i'd suggest that you are nice, but firm and clear about it. you dont have to make excuses, seek permission or apologise for your decision. whats paramount is the babymoon for you and your family and your need for rest, peace, stability and enjoying valuable loving time together. you should not have that potentially undermined by ANYONE - especiallyy even your mother.
could you not say something like:
"we understand that you are really looking forward to seeing the baby and dcs. it'll be good to see you; the xxx date or xxx date are good for us. we are still happy to book xxx hotel and you're still welcome to use my car while you are here. can you let us know by next week which date is best you and we'll book it."
i really understand about difficult relationships - i also have one of those with my mum. my baby will be 2 months soon and my mum hasnt seen her yet. to be fair, she lives outside the uk, but im not encouraging her to come over any time soon. round about dd's graduation would suit me! (and maybe THAT is too soon.) she was a royal nightmare after i had my ds.
YANBU
say no, don't be afraid and stick to your guns. you don't need the extra hassle.
say no, don't be afraid and stick to your guns. you don't need the extra hassle
.Mosschops, I haven't read your other threads about your mum but she sounds like hard work 
.
I completely understand your concerns about her staying with you; I agree with other posters that people should only come and stay with you after the birth of a child if they come prepared to help you, not expect to be waited on hand and foot.
Is there any way you could say this to your mother in a gentle/jokey way - something like 'it's great that you want to come and meet your new grandchild, and it'd be really handy for us to have an extra pair of hands around when we've just had the baby. Perhaps we could agree what you can do to help us before you get here?'
She might actually want to feel properly involved in looking after her grandchildren and want you to give her some jobs to do to make her feel part of things?
Failing that, making it clear that she is coming to help rather than get a free holiday might be enough to keep her away for a while.
.I completely understand your concerns about her staying with you; I agree with other posters that people should only come and stay with you after the birth of a child if they come prepared to help you, not expect to be waited on hand and foot.
Is there any way you could say this to your mother in a gentle/jokey way - something like 'it's great that you want to come and meet your new grandchild, and it'd be really handy for us to have an extra pair of hands around when we've just had the baby. Perhaps we could agree what you can do to help us before you get here?'
She might actually want to feel properly involved in looking after her grandchildren and want you to give her some jobs to do to make her feel part of things?
Failing that, making it clear that she is coming to help rather than get a free holiday might be enough to keep her away for a while
.You just have to be firmer about saying no and making clear it is stay at hotel or don't come, same with Christmas.
It's no good giving in then whining about it, that's just behaving like a small child. Decide your terms and stick to them and have adult-adult negotiations.
You are in control here, just say no and stick to it.
It's no good giving in then whining about it, that's just behaving like a small child. Decide your terms and stick to them and have adult-adult negotiations.
You are in control here, just say no and stick to it.
You may kidnap me - although depends when your baby is due as mine is coming 17th Dec (EDD) so may be a big waddle to kidnap!
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