Hi there ~ have been either working or asleep this week but thankyou for checking on me and your advice.
Lequeen ~yes that's him I think and I seem to end up feeling sorry for him.
Things have been more settled after not speaking all day sunday/monday.
Today at 8 am he said
"Who left these matches on the side you know I hate them can you move them?"
Me "It was ds1 and no because you don't tolerate our foibles so why should we tolerate yours?"
dh "Just because you grew up in a filthy house with fag ends everywhere doesn't mean I want to ..it's disgusting .. rant rant"
[not true obviously]
So basically a tantrum when he doesn't get his own way.
If he had spoken nicely or said please I would have moved them for him but he was just ordering me around.

He also fell out with ds2 2 nights ago ~ I wondered when that would happen.

I think you're spot on, LeQueen

Okay - he is a childish, petulant child, hiding inside the body of a grown man. I have known a few blokes like this in my time. They're crippled with insecurities, and the only way they know to make themselves feel better, is to make someone else feel worse. And, as it's your misfortune to be his wife, you're first in line to be targeted. That's basically it in a nutshell.

One of my exes, used to routinely threaten to leave me and reduce me to tears, ideally on important dates, like my birthday, or my Great Gran's funeral, or the morning of an exam. The second he felt my attention might be diverted elsewhere by something else going on (like an exam) he used to get eaten up with insecurity. And the only way he could feel secure was to make me cry, thereby proving that I still cared about him. What a sad, sad, sad specimen he was? But I was only 18, and knew no better.

Your DH basically is just like my ex. They are seriously flawed individuals, with massive self esteem issues. It's no surprise to me at all, that you say you used to be of a higher 'status' than him. That's how these guys operate. They target women they perceive as being of higher status than themselves, then they gradually grind them down and grind them down until they hold the upper hand, and have all the power. Twisted, it really is.

Basically, you simply can't win with these sort of people. Because your role is to always be in the wrong. And, your DH will move the goals-posts, and change the rules to make sure you stay in the wrong, regardless of what you do/say.

If you chose to stay with him, be very aware that in 30 years time, you will be reduced to an empty husk, who no longer trusts her own judgement on anything, and has been brainwashed into thinking that she couldn't cope for one second with her DH to tell her what to do/think. And, that's exactly what your DH wants to happen.

Has anybody spoken to Labyrinthine since she last posted on here? Has she posted elsewhere?

Just wanted to check on you Labyrinthine - are you OK? {{{HUGS}}}

Good luck labyrinthine.

Looks like we're in the same boat with our abusive H's unfortunately. Tip toeing around, taking the insults and the blame. The drama. Actually - my H and I are pretty much broken down now so it's just silence. I prefer the silence to the 'let's go over again about how much of a failure I am' though.

I've posted over in Relationships about mine (thread title feel so low). I've been advised there on some books to read about abusive men and breaking free which look really helpful/good - I wouldn't be able to read them here in the house but I'm going to see if they're in my local library. They might help you too

I'm ok.
I slept in with ds2.

jeez Im a looneytune ... I got the first pages and then realised after my post that Im actually about 3months behind in this!!!! sooooooooooo sorry for my silly first post xx

Im up to speed now and rightly so there are alot of people quite concerned for your well being.

Your priority is about your safety and seeking good legal advice now.

you know it actually sounds like he has mental illness ... do you know if he might be taking any drugs?

next time just try to remain calm ... say 'when you decide to discuss this matter (whatever issue) with me in a proper manner, WE will be able to sort it out'... leave the room and carry on as usual and ignore his nonsense ... isnt that basically what we do when the children have an outburst and are being unreasonable!!!

Best plan is to simply not rise (or fall) to his tune
He might respond better in the long run and helping him have a better attitude will give you room to tell him he's been sweet and thoughtful about something (anything)and you tell him so ... he might be that way more often if you do .... compliments can go along way and knowing someone has some appreciation is great feeling.
At least when he's being an idiot he only has himself to blame and the ball is firmly in his court to put it right.

I am a bit scared of him and he can be a bit aggressive if pushed and I'm getting the impression he is on the edge a bit atm.