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To stop ex seeing DD?

(38 Posts)

By Sat 04-Jul-09 10:38:35 Add message | Report | Contact poster

Have namechanged for this.
Loads of you know my story. Ex left me for OW at the beginning of the year and recently "married" her in a pseudo ceremony. He was abusive, manipulative and controlling and I am better off out of it, though it hit me hard, I have concentrated on myself and DD and on getting on with my life.
I have managed to avoid seeing him for the past few weeks due to being away and it has been valuable thinking time.
I cant stand the thought of seeing him again and the thought of him being in our lives makes me feel sick. He is the sort of man who calls his DP "bitch" affectionately.

He will be in touch shortly to see her and I dont know what to say. In five weeks I've had two texts. No phone calls, no emails asking how DD is.
He pays no maintenance and never has.
I stupidly put his name on the birth certificate, before I realised he was the sort of man who thinks nothing of leaving his partner and baby and moving on to the next one.
Fully expecting to hear that OW is pregnant any time soon, its just what he does.

Do I put my feelings aside and keep a polite mask so DD can still grow up knowing her dad, or am I right to try and get him out of our lives?

Add message | Report | Contact poster By Sun 05-Jul-09 20:49:16

Good luck with sorting out your feelings. I hope he turns out to be the Dad your DD needs and does not hurt you or her in any way whilst trying to get it right.

Add message | Report | Contact poster By Sun 05-Jul-09 10:38:00

I think you do have to separate your feelings and experiences with your ex from his role as a father. In a simple world someone who is a crap partner is a crap father it does not always work like that.

My ex was emotionally and physically abusive, we were a toxic combination and I was not completely blameless in the direction our relationship took. I do not recieve child support, my choice as I prefer him to support his other child who needs it amongst other reasons.

However he is an excellent father, it took a while to get it right and there have been times when I wanted to stop access, as for the first few years his simple presence caused me real pain, fear and anguish. We have now worked it out and as a family we parent together and dd is very happy.

Add message | Report | Contact poster By Sun 05-Jul-09 10:21:26

At the moment he only sees her for an hour or so at a time, the point where he'll push for overnight stays is a long way off, esp as he knows she isnt a good sleeper grin

I meet him in cafes and parks at the moment, and am working on having company when I do this, so he cant start any of his nonsense.

Add message | Report | Contact poster By Sun 05-Jul-09 09:32:02

If you do go down the "killing with kindness" route, do shield your DD from it though.

If you're setting up regular contact you're not expecting him to keep up with, you're expecting him to start letting your DD down. That will be devastating for her. The only way you'll be able to make this work is if you don't tell her you're expecting him in the first place. And when he turns up, just make sure you've discreetly got the bag ready.

Add message | Report | Contact poster By Sun 05-Jul-09 09:29:55

He'll only 'win' in the sense that his contact will be supervised in a contact centre!!!!

He won't like that......but he will need to prove himself there in order for it to progress

Add message | Report | Contact poster By Sun 05-Jul-09 09:16:50

I think it's different if he's been violent, yes.

Unfortunately the courts don't take that view and they very often order that children be handed over to men with a record of violence. The OP needs to make an assessment of how likely it is that this man will have the energy to go to court (because if he does, because of the retrograde attitudes of courts, chances are he'll win atm) and whether it's better to try and pre-empt that.

Add message | Report | Contact poster By Sun 05-Jul-09 07:27:39

You're right there, SGB. Sorry.

Add message | Report | Contact poster By Sun 05-Jul-09 00:48:42

I would work with legalities. If you are legally forced to make her see him then you need to go along with that.

Still, violent abusive men are very often violent and abusive to their own children. Bizarrely enough a lot of people don't seem to make that connection and imagine that somehow the relationship could be fine. It's not that likely.

"he wont be around DD long enough to do any serious harm"

You can't take this risk if you can possibly avoid it.

Add message | Report | Contact poster By Sun 05-Jul-09 00:43:32

Look I am sorry to hijack the thread slightly, but can people please not imply that handfasting ceremonies are only undergone by abusive child-neglecting knobbers? To lots of people they are valid meanignful ceremonies of commitment, and such people honour and validate the ceremonies by, er, behaving honourably to their partners and children.

Add message | Report | Contact poster By Sat 04-Jul-09 20:24:54

Moving not an option, but i do go away a lot. X-posted Ninky, so glad you have a good DH now. smile

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To stop ex seeing DD?