Well done for an assertive but not nasty message

I have to go against the grain here
This lady is bossy, and anti-social, and unreliable
BUT whilst you needed her you put up with her, whilst you wanted her to do stuff you let her carry on.
Now that you have your new baby, and enough time for FB and MN you obviously don't need her and are asking for advice on how to dump her.
She may be odd, but to be honest in my view you don't come out of this well either. So I think YABU.

Good for you! I'm glad you felt able to speak up for yourself.

Don't let her bully you.

Wow, what a great message. well done for being so assertive.

I did think it would be a private message. I really admire how you've dealt with it. Good for you

oh I would never do that publicly - it would look awful and really show her up - it was a private message.

I've never been so assertive in my life, despite so-called assertiveness training at work (so at least I knew to use "I feel" rather than the accusative "you make me feel"!!)

She hasn't replied yet.

Wow...well done!!! Did you put that in a private message or on her facebook wall?

good news, well done and good luck

I think she thinks she is a closer friend to you than you think she is or wish her to be. She is probably realising this, hence her behaviour/reactions.

I would gradually see less of her. When your dcs start school your social network will change anyway so this is just a bit earlier.

Cheerful

I don't think I am wrapped up in the baby, TBH.

I'm a real "people person" and I spot what's going on in others' lives quite readily.

She is (I think) trying to conceive a second child. I did tread very carefully on telling her I was pregnant (though figured I could hardly hide it). I can't help the fact she hasn't conceived and I don't think there's anything I can do or say to help. I have deliberately avoided showing her the baby's nursery before she was born (she would normally ask to see a newly decorated room and I would normally show her but on this occasion I just allowed her to take the lead and she never asked to see it).

She never talked about my pregnancy and I didn't really mention it in her company unless someone else did. I carried on as normal and even helped with the catering at her DD's birthday party when I was 39 weeks pregnant.

There are lots of things going on in her life (including a stressful job) that I'm well aware of (because she tells me) but she isn't somebody who wants your advice - she wants to offload but doesn't appreciate constructive help so I've learned not to give it unless specifically asked.

Today she sent me a message on facebook to say her DD is sick and not in nursery. I replied briefly to this. She followed it up with a message asking how we are "going to sort out the fact that we have pissed each other off".

After a long sigh I have replied telling her that I still don't really understand why she is makign such an issue of it, reminding her that she didn't show up to see the baby (with no explanation until 4 hours later) and tellign her that, frankly, I feel she intimidated by her and that the tone she uses is not appropriate between friends. I have hinted that I feel she is treating me like somebody she manages at work in the hope she will see this might be true.

I have told her I feel unable to be honest with her because I'm scared of her reactions.

I have told her that, as a mother, I reserve the right to have final say over where my child needs to be (and when). I have said I reserve the right to cancel arrangemtns with adequate notice if this is unavoidable.

I have told her that her text messages are aggressive and that I feel this is not considerate or helpful in the circumstances of us having a new baby.

I have said I value her friendship and want it to continue but that I will not be intimidated by her.

I have done all of this on the back of the support I have received here - thankyou all so much.

glad you are still tryign to ignore her facebook entries.
i had an unwanted friend - she kept clear for 2 weeks after my youngest was born, though i could ahve done with the help and the company and after 2 weeks was back again, like a bad smell, even when her youngest started school she still thought she could come round fortnightly,
sigh, by which time i was working, and busy.. i cracked it somehow, i said, can i come to yours.. her dh came home - really unfriendly asked why i was there.
no further invite or visit.
wanker

i did miss her when i moved to a different area but she didnt want to come and visit me there and she moved without telling me where.

facebook is evil in some respects.

Although in general I think you have a right to be peeved Alison - particularly about the FB stuff and questioning your lifestyle, decisions - can I just put a tiny word in your support of your friend over the cancelling of the Thursday outing.

I think I too might feel a little put out if a planned, arranged daytrip, which undoubtedly had been built up as a great treat for her DD was cancelled because something else came up.

And yes although they could have still gone, maybe her DD had asked for your DD to come and your friend had to deal with her disappointment.

Did you ever ask what happened to her when she failed to come and see your baby? It seems very odd that she should update you regularly and then just not appear. Has she always been like this, or is something happening in her life that you've not spotted because you are - rightly - wrapped up with your new arrival.

Congrats btw!

Be adult. Her facebook updates are completely unacceptable, and I would email her and request (in a fairly formal manner) that she stops doing it as you find it childish and upsetting.
Anything she questions you on I would respond with "I appreciate you don't agree, but this is what we've decided and this is what we're doing."
Personally I'd have to pull her up on it a abit - if you don't you are more tolerant and forgiving than me

I was really irritated when she didn't turn up to see the baby, not so much because she hadn't seen the baby but because we specifically didn't want visitors in the first week but made an exception for her as she has been "on call" to look after DD if I went into labour.

Actually I think she was desperate to be the one who was called to our house if I went into labour, but it didn't turn out that way

I could handle her cancelling, the point was, she didn't cancel, she just didn't show and we were left not knowing whether to start making our evening meal etc. It was four hours before she sent a text and this is after having been texting me all afternoon with updates on her progress (eg, "I'm just in Tesco, I'll be with you in an hour").

She's been quiet on facebook since the weekend but has started using it again (I know, I should be doing more important things! But I use it to keep up to date with friends down under). The things she's posted are things I'd usually respond to but I'm leaving her be.

I don't think my DD feels bullied by her DD because at their age it doesn't really constitute bullying. Her DD simply has to have her own way all of the time and throws tantrums at the rate of about three an hour (which my DD has grown out of). My friend deals with this by allowing her DD to get her own way, just to stop the tantrum. Sometimes this involves penalising MY child, which grates on me (for example, making my DD give a toy to her DD, even though my DD was playing with it first).

When she's been there without me I've always worried that she's being treated unequally but also her DD has physically hurt my daughter on several occasions (throwing things at her face, ramming her fingers between toys) and she never really deals with this behaviour in the way I would like (she does comfort my DD but then tries to brush it off without actually making her DD understand that what she has done is wrong).

It's hard isn't it? I have no family and DH's parents (although near by) aren't very helpful. We have often relied on her to help (for example she looked after DD while I went for an amniocentesis) but equally we have been there to help whenever she's needed it (despite the fact my heart sinks when I have to deal with her DD in my home).

Sigh

It's the not turning up to visit your newborn that would really, really grate for me.

The rest is bad too, I echo what others are saying and would just take a step back from her.

I can't believe she thinks it's ok to post nasty facebook updates (hate, hate, hate that passive aggressive stuff on there anyway) just after you've had a baby.

Congratz on the newborn. Am a (tiny) bit jealous!

Dump the friend - seriously she sounds like a nightmare. Also, it sounds like one of those classic 'kids thrown together because parents are friends' cases - my sister was bullied for years by a little girl who we gave a lift to school to who she probably would never have had anything tod o with otherwise. I bet your DD wouldn't be too sorry to drop the friendship - chances are she's getting the same treatment from your friend's DD (albeit in 3 year old form).

On a slightly more immature note - you could also change your facebook status to something like 'Alison56 is very dissapointed that her friend is bitching about her on here'. tee hee.

good for you, you do not need her in yopur life, and nor does your dd. If she does't try to look after your dd properly when you are there, imagine what will happen when you're not!

it seems you have handled this really really well. I do kind of feel sorry for your friend, she seems a bit needy and clingy, but harsh as it sounds, that is simply not your problem.

There was a woman at DDs playgroup who sounds very similar, without the rudeness etc. She could only seem to cope with her children when she had company, almost like she needed the other child there and also another parent to help her cope. Im sure she has issues. I have issues of my own so i would get really stressed whenever she would invite me on a playdate. It was always really loud and stressfull and there was just no discipline (not that im big on discipline myself) and lunch was like feeding time at the zoo - food throwing, general chaos - not acceptable at 4yo imo. I felt like a nanny tbh. I would kind of get lumbared with the younger child while the mum buggered off and did stuff in the house or played with the two girls.

I just stopped accepting invites, cancelled (not out of malice, but because i was getting really anxious about going). Poor woman probably wonders what she has done wrong, but she just got into my personal space (she is very intense and touchy feely and i can't cope with that just now). I still talk to her at play group, although she has made it clear that she has little to say to me, can't say i blame her really. Shes moved on, made other friends. I don't feel guilty andi dont have to get stressed about being invited to her house for playdates i can't cope with.

ah well done you! you sound a lot more relaxed about things.

hope your dd had a fab party and the lo is doing well.

keep us posted on looney friend (I love a good looney friend thread, me.)

stepped away, as directed!

She'll lie low for a fortnight and pop up. We are going to three mutual birthday parties at the end of July (told you she was unavoidable!). I shall be calm and dignified ina mumsnet manner!

You sound lovely and reasonable.

Step away from the friend

sorry I didn't get back to this earlier.

She did turn up at the party but sent her DD in advance with another child and her mother (they had been looking after her DD all day for her.....).

When her DD turned up without her I thought she wasn't coming but then my DH pointed out that her DD hadn't brought a present or a card and therefore (presumably) she had sent DD to the playdate without either, so she turned up with them later.

She was supposed to have been helping me with the catering so it's a good job I wasn't relying on her, eh? Luckily we had other friends who helped. She offered to help about halfway through and I politely declined. I was friendly but not overly so (spoke when spoken to).

Haven't heard from her since

Just be polite but don't cosy up with her. Presumably there'll be others there, so of course, as host, you have tons to do and many people and things to oversee so you can charge past her all the time throwing a "woman's work is never done" comment at her over your shoulder.

If she sends you any more arsey e-mails I would turn her tactics back onto her. Send her one back saying "Talk me through XYZ", or you could ask her why she thinks it's OK to treat you like one of her staff... It's e-mail so you won't hear the explosion and she can be as bad tempered as she likes on facebook, it doesn't touch you.

Congrats and happy birthday to dd.

Just be polite but avoid her as much as possible.

Get rid of her from your Facebook account. Making your dispute public via your status is a horrid thing to do.

Congratulations on your new baby

I agree - your friend does sound toxic. I would seriously start to question whether she is a friend tbh.

fanjita Yes it really was starting to freak me out.
If i bumped into her and stopped for a chat she would get so close to me i would have to step back....then she would step closer. It was so claustrophobic.

Even now she stil really gets to me even though we don't speak!!!

She will stop dead in the street and just stare at me/watch me which she make so obvious. She still copies me with clothes/make up etc....i have never said anything to her but am considering doing so.

But i don't see her too often so may just bite my tongue.

Alison How did things go? Any updates?

Wow LilTulip that's scary!

Alison - did she turn up at the party? Did she behave? Hope your daughter had a lovely day and you that you were able to relax and enjoy it too.

Get rid of this vile woman.
YANBU

I know someone who turned out to be a bit of a loon and take over my dd.
We were never really friends, she was more of an aquaintance/neighbour through our DD's being friends. (her DD was 6)

she would take my DD into her house and give her a shower and breakfast without my knowledge.
Give her her evening meal when i was already cooking for her, She would put pyjamas on/ get DD changed if she was playing at her house. She gave my DD a dummy and encouraged her to use it, DD was 4 at the time and had never had a dummy...this caused great agro because DD couldn't understand why i wouldn't allow this when she was allowed at her house!!!! she even went to the extent of putting a nappy on DD at her house even though she had been out of nappies for 2 years at the time.

I later found out that her DD (6) still had a dummy, bottle and wore nappies even tough she was fully toilet trained. and This women told me she was thinking of using a buggy for her DD, also her 12 year old DD was often seen out playing with a dummy in her mouth

she used to constantly ask for my DD to sleep over at her house, no matter how many times i told her DD was too young to do sleepovers. She would then ask me to have her dd at my house constantly despite me telling her i didn't have room in DD's bedroom.

she then started buying her dd and ds the same clothes/shoes/toys that my DD and DS's had.She would do her DD's hair the same as my DD's.
Then she herself started to wear/buy clothes/shoes the same as mine. she would wear her hair the same. copy my make up.
And also used the same colour schemes as mine in her house

I always tried to ignore it but got to the stage where i couldn't stand her and thought alot of her behaviour freaky. I realised that it wasn't normal. So i just stopped talking to her. i didn't feel i needed to justify myself. even though i haven't spoke to her for 18 months she still continues to watch me very closely when she see's me and wears the same clthes/shoes/hair. And when she realised my DC's were no longer at her DC's schools. She moved her kids to the same as mine.

It sounds like you need to wash your hands of this woman as a friendship like this can really mess with you. You are much better off putting all your time and effort into your DD and newborn.

i'm not a confrontational person IRL, but i would have to contact her via facebook or otherwise and tell her that i find her tone upsetting and that i have a newborn to think about without all this shit - then delete her.

so what you have to see her around - its not the end of the world.

she's not a friend. friends understand things

I would just back off from her TBH. Politely decline playdate invites and don't invite her to stuff yourself anymore. Stop checking her facebook and not reply to her texts, you don't need to be rude but you can step away.

You can still see each other at mutual events but with a bit more distance.

She sounds like she likes things on her terms and kicks up a fuss if she can't get her way.

As the mother of an only I do often commandeer other people's kids (as 2 five year olds are easier than 1!) but only when it is mutually agreeable!

congrats on the new born! I don't know all the back story here, but it sounds like she's finding parenting tough...kids are hell on earth for control freaks and it could be the first time she's come up against something she couldn't manage. Does she have a ton load of baby/toddler books and her DD still plays up?

think the other poster's have got it right here - nudge her away, you have so many precious things to devote your attention to!

It seems that she is using your child as she can't manage her own on her own.

And you were well within your rights to cancel. Days out can be anytime - these other things less so.

hey alison - just checking in to see how things went yesterday. hope your DD had a lovely birthday!

I agree with the advice given, to get rid. You do not need friends like this. She is not your friend if she makes you feel like this.

You have so much more going on in your life that you shouldn't have to waste a second thinking about her very odd behaviour.

Either just step away for a while or confront her. You are in a good position to show her how weird unreasonable she is being.

There is this thing with Facebook where you can Hide someone without Unfriending them.

If you don't want the confrontation of Unfriending her, then if you choose the Hide option (on righthand corner of all her posts, if you put your mouse there) then she is still your friend but you can't see her, it means she can't upset you with silly updates.

Phew. Sounds like bloody hardwork!
I would probably call her on this behaviour if I were in your shoes and I did value the friendship. Don't tiptoe around it. Just say you find it very strange that she feels it's appropriate to be angry with you over the daytrip issue. That you have enough on your plate at the moment and if she is going to be a friend who causes emotional pressure rather than support you are not sure there is a healthy future ahead of you.
If you don't feel you can do this I would start to back off. Use the new baby as an excuse. Stay on polite terms for when you bump into each other but life is seriously too short to include someone who behaves like Alexis from Dynasty.
Perhaps something else is going on here and you will end up having a frank conversation which moves your friendship onto a new level. But I wouldn't potter along waiting for the next strop. And I would stay away from any mention of her on facebook. She obviously feels it's a dream for passive aggressive messages.

and there was 20% of you thining you was wrong for cancelling?

with a 5 day old baby????

when my dd2 was 5 days old, i had dd1 of 18 months - I was lucky to get out of my dressing gown! Let alone get out of the house.

DO NOT feel bad.
she;s very controlling, taking over and not listening for one...and shes throwing you nasty texts too?
with a 5 day old dc, i wouldnt have the time to respond.

GET RID



NOW!

J.E.S.U.S! Get rid of her...quickly!!

I used to have a 'friend' like that!!

She had 2 little boys & I had 1 little girl.

When C'mas came round she asked me what I had got dd...then she landed on C'mas eve with the same doll!!! She bought her designer clothes, tried to tell me when dd needed a hair cut etc...

It took me 2 years to break away from this woman!! In that time she had tried to split me & dh up, arrived at my house uninvited when I wasn't even out of bed, ordered me new furniture online without my knowing and hacked into my yahoo mail account!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It was the yahoo mail thing that finally made me tell her to sling her hook!!

She always wanted my dd to stay over with her, dh always said no. And I know this bit will seem made-up now, but last year her brother was up in court charged with molesting children... (he lived with her). At the time I was thinking of contacting her incase she wanted support but dh said he'd rather I didn't incase the whole stalking thing started all over again.

So, my adivce? Get out now. Just explain it to her that she's too overbearing, you don't have time for her anymore. I used a new job as an excuse at the time.

she really is a loon isn't she?? doesn't listen, tries to take over and always questioning what you're doing. wants to live your life for you, or if not run it for you.

back away veeeerry slowly and hope she doesn't notice...

Ewww <shudder> she's creeping me out now and she's not even on my facefuckbook.

She reminds me of that woman in Misery.

(my newborn is lovely BTW. Thanks for the copngrats - couldn't be happier if I was dipped in milky bar)

she's a control freak, isn't she? All makes sense now.

She even wanted me to have DD's party at her house. I'd already booked another venue but she started sending me facebook messages questioning why I had done this. When I told her I didn't want to risk a party at home (knowing I'd have a newborn) she said I should have it in her garden. When I said I was concerned it might rain, she said it wouldn't rain (and what do you know, the forecast tomorrow is for rain). In any case, I have my OWN garden. She said she'd do the balloons, said the whole thing was "sorted" despite the fact I had somewhere else booked. I just stopped replying to her messages on the subject - it was all so weird.

Yes, she has been TTC without success. She's quite a bit older than me and I'm 37. I know she's had a hard time coming to terms with this but surely it doesn't lead to this sort of behaviour??

Make DD1 your special helper - she'll love the responibilty (and it can help you too)

lol at "twatbook"!

The thing about twat/facebook is that I used to live abroad (in Aus) and it's a good way to keep in touch with friends who are in stupidly strange time zones. They've been able to coo over the new baby from the other side of the world.

I wonder whether I ought to make a new facebook account to keep in touch with the people in Aus and real friends. Oh what a load of hassle.

I'm glad you all think she's being unreasonable. There was about 20% of me that thought I was wrong for having cancelled the arrangement.

You are all right about us having time to bond as a family. Actually we're doing really well on that score and I haven't needed help with my three year old until yesterday - I had to take the baby for a hospital appointment at some silly early hour and it just would have been so much easier without DD1.

congratulations on your lovely new baby!

this woman sounds like a loon, v controlling and not what you need in your life. but appreciate you might actually be seeing her tomorrow! Don't be proactive with her, just be normal and pretend like you haven't had a moment to read her ridiculous texts and FB messages.

Also, can I suggest that you prepare a couple of short, blunt lines to use with her if she starts questioning / being arsey to your face - something like "FriendName, I have a 5 day old baby and am in the middle of managing dd's party. Now is not the time, please can you drop the subject." Use her name - those managerial type people always use peoples' names, a lot, for some reason, so it may help her to take your point. (sorry to nice people managers for the massive generalisation)

I agree with other posters about the big picture - be serene and ignore ignore ignore, enjoy your family and your baby and block her on Facebook - you don't need to see her sarky comments. What sort of a friend is bullying and sarky to another friend at any time, let alone when they've got a brand new baby to look after?? You don't need to embark on all-out war but you can drop her quietly by being very busy with your own stuff for a while.

oh, and congrats on your new baby!

i reckon just behave perfectly politely towards her at the party, and then cut ties with her. you can definitely avoid her, or give her polite but short shrift when you do see her - and you will be a lot better off. life's too short to have "friends" that feel they can treat you like that.

Enjoy your DD party tomorrow too - its all about her tomorrow and not the stupid lady.

Its hard that you are stuck in the same social circle as her and will continue to be. Best thing would be to opt to see less of her / contact her / arrange playdates etcs and see more of your other friends. That way, over a bit of time - her strangle hold of you will lessen.

She is being a bully and a bossy boots. Sounds like she is still a child and a bossy madam.

Try and enkoy your new baby and push this silliness of hers from your mind. You will be tired and hormonal from the birth and you need positive nice and lving people around you - not twats who write stupid twatting things on twatbook.

;)

What a charmer she sounds.

do you think she might be jealous of your new baby? Is she TTC?

Congratulations btw.

BOF has it in a nutshell. You'll never get these first days back with your baby, don't waste another second on this woman!

Agree with slowreaingprogress, thick skinned = you being blunt. Good luck with the party. Remember to delegate, any mothers who stay have to help

Please block her from facebook for your sanity, back off a bit from contact and get on with getting to know your new baby! She is not worth the headspace, honestly.

alison I think you are being too tolerant. Of course it's possible to avoid her completely if you want to. There are ways of doing it if you are determined.

You just can't expect her to not send these bossy texts/e-mails if you don't reply "mind your own business!"

by the sounds of her she has the hind of a rhino. Subtle will not do. You have to spell it out.

She must be very insecure to behave like this and she is using your dd to make her dd easier~not your problem.

If she comes,be polite and firm "Thankyou for bringing dd,would you like to stay or are you happy to leave her?"
Do not allude to her comments.Fix a manic grin to your face.
Let her put that in her pipe and smoke it!

Poor you, she sounds absolutely horrible. Could she be a bit jealous of your lovely newborn, do you think? I know that I (to my shame) have found it difficult to be around people having second babies because I am absolutely rubbish at getting pregnant. If I were you, I'd just treat her completely normally at the party. Pretend nothing has happened. But if you get a chance another time, it might be worth telling her that she's upset you and you can't understand why she's behaving like this. Obviously in a more subtle way than that!

Is it possibly jealousy because of the new born?

Agree with the others, it's not what you need.

Congratulations on the newborn.

thanks for your comments

I'm actually very upset by her behaviour, partly because my mother is also toxic and bullied me badly as a kid. This is why I don't know how to hadle her or what to do next (and why your advice and support is useful).

I am increasingly feeling uneasy when I leave my daughter for playdates (though it has been kind of her to offer and hugely helpful when I was pregnant). Her own daughter often behaves badly (tantruming, refusing to share, throwing toys (and other things) at other children - they are nearly 4) and my child has been left upset (and injured) by her daughter when I've been present. She doesn't really deal with this properly (in my opinion) and tends to want to brush it under the carpet rather than discipline her child and comfort the one who's been injured. Her concern is always to play the incident down in terms of not laying the blame with her daughter (when I've been witness to the incident and I know exactly what happend).

It's hard to avoid her because we have kids the same age and they go to all the same parties. Fortunately they will be going to different schools next year but we'll still have some people in common and I can't avoid her really.

My husband says I should ignore her arsey messages but some of them are so obnoxious that it's hard not to want to responds. If she's miffed she'll start a text or email with "talk me through why XYZ..." which is why I think she's treating me like she treats her staff.

You're right - facebook is awful really. It's like a playground.

My big problem now is that tomorrow is DD's birthday and we are having a party. As you can imagine, this has been stressful to get organised with us having a new baby but DD is really excited and that itself has been worth the effort. I have no idea whether she is goign to come to the party (I'm assumign she will but not sure of anything with her anymore) and I need to know how to approach her. Perhaps she'll send her husband instead. She does tend to cool off but she's never sent me such a confrontational message as she did yesterday and the updates on facebook are really horrible.

God, my spelling is appalling - sorry - half watching Jonthan Ross!

COngratulations on aviong a new baby - how fantastic. Its a shame this 'friend' isnt being particulary pleased for you or making your life easier after bringing a new life into the world.

To be blunt she sounds like a total control freaking twat and just ignore - it will send her nuts, freaking off into the stratosphere. I'd give a wide berth for a while and concentrate on your lovely tillte family and other nicer normal friends

She sounds a bit desperate ~ to have her own way,not to be left alone all day with her dd.She possibly can't say "no" to her own dd and dd has to have her own way.
Tell her your dd can't do playdates for a while as you want to spend time with her for you all to bond with the baby.
You could tell her her dd might enjoy spending time with her alone for once!!

Congratulations!

Stay away from this woman. She is being controlling and passive aggressive. You are being bullied. You don't need such people in your life at the best of times but with a newborn...

Also, think what a vurnerable time this is for your DD with the new baby. Do you really want her spending time with such a manipulative cow? Don't waste your energy confronting her;just politely ignore her.

She may not realise how bad her behaviour is. Especially if she has been getting gradually worse and no one has challenged her.

If she really is a friend and you think she's worth it I would tell her what you've told us and give her the opportunity to change.

If you don't really like her that much then dump her.

You have important new baby to worry about so do what is best for you. That may mean having painful conversation with her.

good lord, don't let this woman enter your head for one minute - you have a newborn,a new life in the family, you have far more important things to think about. Get off facebook, stop checking on her - it's like you're picking a scab when you need to be resting and healing from your recent birth!

To be brutally frank I think you are being unreasonable because you have by the sounds of it, never actually told this woman that you are unhappy with any aspect of her behaviour. And you have actually stopped your husband from calling her on it.

You can't expect her to change or stop unless you tell her there is a problem, IMO. She sounds quite a horrible person to be honest. I think it's a case of either tell her in the hopes she will buck up her ideas, or just let this 'friendship' slide.

congratulations, btw!

Wow your enemies must be evil! Enjoy your lovely kids, partner and life, and leave her and --the intrusive shit stiring-- facebook alone!

AVOID at all costs. I've had a 3 year old and newborn and you don't need this right now. Ok, I'm sounding as controlling as her but I'm not I just know how exhausted you must feel. Agree with IOH she's toxic. Get your lovely dh to step in and tell her what for. Her FB status updates are awful, do people comment on them? I'd hide them or even delete her if I were you she sounds hideous.

dump her

that's a shame - congrats on your newborn

Best thing to do is ignore her - don't log on to facebook, don't call her. She'll soon cool off.

You've got a lovely new baby & DD keep you occupied & hopefully other, less bossy friends to talk to.

Sorry, I gave quite a short response to your long message.

Hopefully others will come along soon and agree with me

and btw - you are being bullied. Step away from her, or get your dh to comment as you said he wanted to.

Blimey, she sounds a bit toxic to me. I think I would concentrate on your DD and newborn for now, you do not need the hassle of this 'friend'. Just politley keep in touch and distance yourself.

I have a friend who is acting totally bizarrely and I'm at a loss to figure this out. Please give me some idea who's in the right.

We both have children of the same age (3), which is how we met. I now have a second child who is five days old. My friend seems to find her own child's company hard work (aren't they all hard work aged 3?!) and admits that her daughter is easier to handle if there are other children to play with. In light of this, other children are frequently invited for playdates and my daughter is no exception.

My friend works in a job where she manages people. I have often felt (in an armchair psychology kind of way!) that she finds it hard to switch off the need to "control" people, even outside work. Certainly she sends me e-mails in a quite forthright (and frankly, sometimes rude) tone, questioning decisions I am making or asking for explanations or justifications for things which are really none of her concern. I do find this quite irritating but have never felt I could raise it with her because I don't like confrontation and it doesn't seem worth the hassle (I guess I'm wary of how she will react if I confront her). As an example, she recently questioned why my husband is working extra shifts (we need the money). This was not a simple query, it was in terms of "why is he working extra shifts when you say you're tired of being alone with the kids". This question came entirely out of the blue and out of context (via facebook).

My husband was upset about the tone of that particular email and offered to challenge her about her attitude (it was not the first such message) but I asked him not to.

On Tuesday this friend offered to look after my daughter for me on Thursday morning. My daughter has often gone to her house for playdates, but after I agreed (it was, in fact, a very welcome offer in the circumstances of us having a new baby), it transpired that it wasn't going to be a playdate at home, they were going out for the day (quite some distance from home).

In the meantime, we were telephoned by a close family friend who asked whether she could arrange to visit us this week. She has a very busy job and was going away for the weekend so it turned out that Thursday morning was the only time she could make.

In addition, my daughter's health visitor rang to arrange her three year check, also offering a time on Thursday morning.

I contacted my friend yesterday to tell her that my daughter would have to miss out on the outing, but that I hoped they had a nice day.

Following this I received a couple of quite sharp text messages questioning our arrangements. In her final text message she said that she was very irritated that I had cancelled the arrangement.

I am puzzled by this because it was clear from the outset that she was already planning to take her own child on this outing and that my child had been invited to tag along. I had assumed, therefore, that the outing would go ahead in my daughter's absence.

Ironically, she cancelled an arrangement to come and see our newborn baby when it was two days old. She was supposed to arrive around 4pm but simply didn't turn up (which is significant, as we had gone out and we made sure we were home in time for her to visit). We had no idea why she hadn't turned up but she eventually sent a text at 9.30pm that night to say she had become waylaid.

Tonight she is expressing her dissatisfaction via her facebook account. She has updated this three times now saying how bloody annoyed she is. I could be imagining it but I think the comments are directed at me.

I am very confused by her behaviour (and tired - I have a newborn!). I really think she expected me to change my plans so she could take my daughter out with them today, but in the circumstances I wanted my daughter to stay home. I am upset because I feel she feels she can comandeer my daughter to play with her child and that I am not allowed to change any arrangements. I have no idea how to deal with her and feel bullied.

help!