I have a friend who is acting totally bizarrely and I'm at a loss to figure this out. Please give me some idea who's in the right.

We both have children of the same age (3), which is how we met. I now have a second child who is five days old. My friend seems to find her own child's company hard work (aren't they all hard work aged 3?!) and admits that her daughter is easier to handle if there are other children to play with. In light of this, other children are frequently invited for playdates and my daughter is no exception.

My friend works in a job where she manages people. I have often felt (in an armchair psychology kind of way!) that she finds it hard to switch off the need to "control" people, even outside work. Certainly she sends me e-mails in a quite forthright (and frankly, sometimes rude) tone, questioning decisions I am making or asking for explanations or justifications for things which are really none of her concern. I do find this quite irritating but have never felt I could raise it with her because I don't like confrontation and it doesn't seem worth the hassle (I guess I'm wary of how she will react if I confront her). As an example, she recently questioned why my husband is working extra shifts (we need the money). This was not a simple query, it was in terms of "why is he working extra shifts when you say you're tired of being alone with the kids". This question came entirely out of the blue and out of context (via facebook).

My husband was upset about the tone of that particular email and offered to challenge her about her attitude (it was not the first such message) but I asked him not to.

On Tuesday this friend offered to look after my daughter for me on Thursday morning. My daughter has often gone to her house for playdates, but after I agreed (it was, in fact, a very welcome offer in the circumstances of us having a new baby), it transpired that it wasn't going to be a playdate at home, they were going out for the day (quite some distance from home).

In the meantime, we were telephoned by a close family friend who asked whether she could arrange to visit us this week. She has a very busy job and was going away for the weekend so it turned out that Thursday morning was the only time she could make.

In addition, my daughter's health visitor rang to arrange her three year check, also offering a time on Thursday morning.

I contacted my friend yesterday to tell her that my daughter would have to miss out on the outing, but that I hoped they had a nice day.

Following this I received a couple of quite sharp text messages questioning our arrangements. In her final text message she said that she was very irritated that I had cancelled the arrangement.

I am puzzled by this because it was clear from the outset that she was already planning to take her own child on this outing and that my child had been invited to tag along. I had assumed, therefore, that the outing would go ahead in my daughter's absence.

Ironically, she cancelled an arrangement to come and see our newborn baby when it was two days old. She was supposed to arrive around 4pm but simply didn't turn up (which is significant, as we had gone out and we made sure we were home in time for her to visit). We had no idea why she hadn't turned up but she eventually sent a text at 9.30pm that night to say she had become waylaid.

Tonight she is expressing her dissatisfaction via her facebook account. She has updated this three times now saying how bloody annoyed she is. I could be imagining it but I think the comments are directed at me.

I am very confused by her behaviour (and tired - I have a newborn!). I really think she expected me to change my plans so she could take my daughter out with them today, but in the circumstances I wanted my daughter to stay home. I am upset because I feel she feels she can comandeer my daughter to play with her child and that I am not allowed to change any arrangements. I have no idea how to deal with her and feel bullied.

help!