I suspect I am, but would value some input

[dreamteamgirl]

OK, for background, my DS has been at his new nursery since July last year and after some initial teething problems has been very happy. He was 4 in Feb, and starts school in September. He has been at full time nursery since he was 6 months old so is very used to the structured enviroment

They used to have a 'Friendship Flower' which was a behaviour tool- you were good name was on, naughty (or whatever word they use for naughty cos they aren't allowed to say naughty!) your name came off, good again it went back on. Of course names could come on and off all day long.
The nursery decided that it wasn't working any more so they decided to move to a new system which is a 'ladder' of 1-6 and each child has a bee with their name on which climbs the ladder and if they get into the bee-hive they get a certificate. Good behavior takes them up a rung, bad down- all very simple

However it really doesnt seem to be working for DS and he is getting very upset, and becoming extremely negative about going to nursery saying he doesnt want to go and that he hates the bee's ( ) and doesn't like being there. he also says he doesn't care anymore about the bee-hive because he will never get there anyway, so there is no point in being good.

When collecting DS there is no mention of him having been naughty- I get told he enjoyed making pizzas today, or he wanted to keep these 'megazords' he made you to show you or he did this lovely picture. yet 3 times recently when I have collected him I have asked where his name is and been told it has been sent out of the room!! Surely if he has been naughty enough for his bee to be excluded fromt he room, thats something I should know about. And in theory means he has been naughty more than half the day consistently?

I think I probaly ABU to ask them to change a system just because of DS aren't I? But any ideas from wise Mn-ers on how I could deal with it would be great. He has 4 more months of this before he goes to school, and I simply cant have an unhappy little boy for 4 days let alone that long

[nametaken]

To be honest, this is the exact same good behaviour incentives they use in primary school so it's not gonna change.

What about if YOU reward him too. For instance, if he gets on one rung of the ladder by hometime he gets to have or do such and such a thing. and the rewards get bigger the further up the ladder he goes. That was, he instantly gets rewarded for good behaviour and it might give him an incentive.

They don't have to be big rewards either, an ice-cream or a trip to the park, anything he likes really.

Don't ask the staff to change it though, they'll laugh - maybe not at you but definately when you've gone.

[starzzz]

Maybe you could ask them why his name has been excluded?

I do like nametakens idea of rewarding him yourself though..make it special for him

[mum23monkeys]

might be a bit U to expect them to change a system because of one child, but it does sound a rather ridiculous system, labour intensive and, although they are trying to focus on the positive, that obviously isn't working.

It sounds like the kind of chart you might have in your own home to encourage specific good behaviour (not getting out of bed for eg, or getting dressed without help). It does not sound appropriate for a nursery set up.

Is he old enough to understand if you tell him not to take any notice of the school bee ladder. At about the same age, my ds found it very hard to take criticism from teachers and would get upset way out of proportion to his 'crime'. We talked about which behaviours were worth feeling ashamed of, and which weren't. He was much ahppier after that and could let criticism about whether he was standing straight in line wash over him more. He realised I didn't mind if he got told off for things that we had agreed between us were stupid. I know I was undermining the school discipline system but I didn't agree with the system, it was upsetting my ds and I would like him to grow up being able to judge for himself which behaviours are really worth making a fuss about.

Would your ds be able to tell you each day at pick up time if he felt he had been well-behaved? Then maybe you could have a 'rival' motivation chart at home. Some children can be very reflective and honest at this age and able to start making good judgements.

Whatever you do, I would talk to the nursery staff about it - it may be that your ds is not the only one with this issue, or it may simply be that they are focusing too heavily on taking children down a rung on the ladder rather than encouraging them to move up it.

[JiminyCricket]

well, isn't it worth pointing out that that particular system isn't incentivising him, even if it does others, for good behaviour? Surely they will welcome feedback on any new system and should be concerned - and know - about his unhappiness? A ladder sounds a bit competetive to me. Does he know what kinds of things will move him up and down the ladder? I have a very goody two shoes reception age dd, and I must admit despite it not affecting me I think the fact that the same names are always on the 'grey cloud' is likely to categorise these particular children so that they always consider themselves the naughty ones, and I kind of think they are probably just a bit more exuberant/easily distracted etc than the others, not necessarily misbehaving. But then i'm not there.

[dreamteamgirl]

Thanks all

nametaken Interesting it isnt the systme that they use in the school he is going to go to. There they have smiley cards, and if they get 10 smiley stamps over however long it takes they get to take their card to the head and she gives them a smiley sticker to wear- also 10 smiley stickers gets a smiley rosette that they can bring home, which to me seems more about prasing the positives not focussing on the negatives.

I did make him a chart last night to cheer him up, and he managed to move up 4 places for going to bed nicely, eating his breakfast properly, getting himself dressed and helping to load dishwasher. I am planning on giving him a sticker for each climb up the spiderweb, and then a proper treat for 10 stickers

I have asked why his name was excluded and told it was for not sitting and listening to the story nicely earlier in the day, yet yesterday when I arrived and observed from the back for 3 mins he was sitting beautifully and listening ... Yet his names wasnt being brought back in.

I am VERY tempted mum23monkeys to tell him to ignore the chart and just focus on ours, it just upsets me that a previously happy cheerful little boy is getting so so upset by something like this.

Jiminiycricket I do worry for the same reason, there was one little boy that was labelled as 'the bad boy' at his old nursery, and whilst he was a bit loud and not great at listening I think it was a bit rough on him because it was a label he was stuck with. In the end the parents moved him, and last I saw him he was definately a BIT calmer :-)

Many thanks for your thoughts. I will keep the discussions open with the nursery and consider whether he would be better off elsewhere longterm

[purpleduck]

6 steps seems a long way to go for a little-y

[missingtheaction]

At this age any such 'incentive' should mean that a reasonably well behaved child should get to the top pretty regularly. If your dc isn;t getting to the top, and is so DISincentivised that he is unhappy at nursery, then it's time for a serious chat with the nursery.

My dc's are just about both out of school now. IME schools you cannot assume that schools get this kind of thing right on a child-by-child basis - individual children can easily slip behind, things can go wrong for quite a while before they get you involved, it's easy for individual children to hide what's wrong at school so the school thinks everything is fine. So it's up to you to be on the case.

To maintain credibility with the school be clear of your facts, start out collaboratively 'I don't know if you have realised, but dc has become very unhappy about school and we need to discuss this; can we make an appointment for a meeting in the next few days?'. Give them a chance to respond/sort it out. If they don't, then escalate as necessary.

Good luck. For now and the next 14 years