to think my x wife is putting her animosity towards me above childrens welfare?? (long one , sorry ;O) )

[Muncton]

Just come across this thread so thought I would post as I am at my wits end.
I split with my X wife two and a half years ago. At the time of the split we had a young boy and she was also pregnant. The timing of the split was awful and hurt us both immensely.
Initially, the split was amicable to a degree, though a lot of silence!! She was in the house, I stayed at my sisters and had unrestrained access. I took full advantage of this despite fact that every visit involved silence from both her and her mother (who moved in after our split)I saw my children every day. I was also paying double the csa recommended amounts.
My wife gave birth to our second child.( I was not allowed in delivery room but fully understood that, but was upset that it took my x wifes mum 20 minutes to find me after the birth despite fact I was 5 yards away in waiting room to tell me it was a healthy baby etc)
Anyway, things carried on. She asked me that if ever I meet anyone else to let her know direct instead of her finding out via someone else.
I then did meet someone else. we were in throes of a divorce so I thought it was right to tel her. She accepted this. Perhaps I was naive to think it would not cause a difference but it was my wifes decision to divorce not mine so thought she had lost her feelings.
two weeks after telling her this, I got a letter from a solicitor saying I can only see my children once a week for two hours in a play centre. I was gobsmacked. I rang her asked her why and she said it was her decision and I had not seen much of the kids since the split????? so not true.
I assumed this was temporary but had to point out that the nature of my job meant one in two weekends I was travelling back to home town and usually didnt get there till late afternoon. she was aware of this.
I was mad and admit I did say I would do everything in my power to stop this and would take the kids from her , legally!! .
anyway, this continued. The sols letter had also stated I could see them on their birthdays and xmas as well.

I was attending once every two weeks as this was all I could do , she would not change days. refused outright. I saw my oldest boy on his birthday. this was a thursday. I then turned up on the saturday for visit and she wasnt there. I waited etc, nothing. so I went to house. All her family were there and she was having a birthday party and said I had seen them thursday so could not see them today as that was my weeks visit?? it was ridiculous.

I was a special constable at the time. Next time I went in for duty, my senior officer called me in and said my x had made a complaint!! I asked what about and it was about me turning up at the house. she claims she was intimidated?? despite fact she had friends and families with her and I was on my own. I did not raise my voice at all etc. My senior officer said I had to abide by courts decison. I said we had not been to court ?? she was shocked and said oh. well get a solicitor and get it sorted quickly.
so I did. at the time I was on ok money in my day job. consulted a sols. she said this is not an issue, so I paid court fees etc and went to court. at first hearing, her only defence re limited access was that I had threatened to take kids off her , that the police had said supervised visits etc.

however, court said they wanted statements submitted etc, said no need for cafcass as no welfare issues and said her mum needed to stop accompanying my x on the visits.
so off we went. my sols said she woudl sort out statements. in the mean time, I had moved to North of england, but was stil traveling 500 miles at weekends to see my kids. not an problem as loved them.
I had not heard from my sols for a few weeks so I left a couple of msgs and emails. I then got a phone call from her saying why am I not in court??I said what do you mean. she said I should be in court that day for submisson of statements. I said she had not told me this or advised me.
anyway, the long and short of it is that because I did not attend, the court said no to my improved access and that supervised visits could continue!! I was hurt. why would I pay to take them to court and not bother turning up.
I contacted the law society and the case is ongoing re the negligence of my old sols.
My x's solicitor then wrote to me saying I could see them for two hours once a fortnight!! I rang them back and said I was not accepting this as I wanted more etc etc.
I then got a letter saying my x had decided not to let me see them, wanted no contact etc.

This hurt. I tried to email and text but got not response. I then got made redundant!! so had no money. I then had surgery on my shoulder which prevented me from going back to work.
However on flip side this entitled me to legal aid!!!
I was then hearing from people in my odl town that my x was saying I had not bothered seeing my children for months. this was just not true. she has said she didnt want me to have any contact.
so, I then got granted legal aid, got a new solicitor who immediatley got in touch with my x (she wont tell me where she lives with my children as the house we were in has not been sold). my solicitor said they wanted to reintroduce visitation and once a fornight for 4 hours would be a great start to reintroduce me to my children. to my suprise she accepted though listed a lot of things in her reply, such as I had not bothered to see my children for 6 months. My solicitor did not "bite" but did reply saying we accepted it but also sent a copy of the letter I had given them from her solicitors saying she was refusing all access!!
Anyway, I then got signed fit to work and immediately got a job. this was my first time ever out of work.
the visits commenced. fantastic , totally rebonded with my oldest boy, he is 4. and bonded for first time with youngest. he is 2.
My x is at every visit, in a play centre, with her friends there. I accepted that was best to start so it was all gradual.
However, she refuse's to let me speak to them on the phone, even for once a week, refuse's to allow me more access etc.
I travel 500 miles to see them and dont regret a mile of it. I pay for everything when I see them, I pay my csa gladly.
this has been going on for 6 months but she wont change.
My problem now is that my job means I earn just above the threshold to get legal aid. by literally £500 a year!! My new partner is due to give birth to our first child in a month so my boys will have a new brother.
my solicitor is appealing to legal aid to see if I can get funding but its unlikely. this will mean I have to pay up to £5k to get more access (my sols say she has to tell me where she lives and as I have recorded all text and email conversations and no confrontation has taken place etc) that I would get more access..
I am waiting a decision from legal aid at the moment.
My ex turns up late for visits, has friends there, alienates my family from them.
I have never used any physical violence on my wife and children. I have paid my way with them apart from when I was off work with shoudler injury, CSA were aware. I hardly ever even raised my voice at my X.
Yet I am becoming alienated. my kids love me and adore me as I do them. they will have a brother soon. yet my x goes around saying how much she tries to accomadate access when in reality she is doing everything in her power to stop me seeing them and to stop me building up a relationship.

I appreciate she is bring them up on her own. but she doesnt have to be on her own, both me and my family will support her but she refuses.

sorry, long post but its very upsetting.
If I dont get legal aid I am going have to pay for a solicitors fees. hard when I have rent to pay, csa to pay, bills to pay, costs of 1000 miles a month re seeing the children for limited access etc plus a new baby on the way.
I will start saving. but it will take me a long time to save enough as I have limited disposable income and every week saving is another week on these visitation terms.
I want to do what is right for the kids, but my x is putting her animosity towards me over the childrens best interest. She just wont budge as she knows she gets legal aid so has unlimited budged but knows I dont get it and cant really afford it.

sorry. rant over. I am just suffering and its nice to vent it somewhere.
sorry if I sent you all to sleep.

[pottycock]

No advice but just wanted to post and say it sounds awful - stick in there, your boys will appreciate your efforts when they are older. What a sad and difficult situation. I can understand the acrimony when couples split for one reason and another, but to mess with the kids is imo unforgivable and cruel.

[jennybensmummy]

just a quick reply as about to go out, but it might be worth checking your eligibility for legal aid once your new partner has her child as that changes the amounts taken off before they get the final figure for legal aid.
Sounds like a crap situation hope you can get legal aid and get it resolved

[MuffinBaker]

Make notes of everything you try to do to see and support your kids. Your kids will thank you for it when they are grown up. They will see what their mother has taken from them.

[Idranktheeasterspirits]

You don't need 5k to go back to court, you can be litigant in person and just use your solicitor as an advisor. You would probably only spend at the most 2k doing it that way.

join families need fathers and get thee back to court.

I represented myself many moons ago and it was fine.

[SamJamsmum]

I don't have any experience of this but I just wanted to say how awful it sounds for you. I don't understand how you cannot 'be allowed' to speak to the children by phone. It seems as though your x feels she is the only parent and you are an add-on. It sounds as though you have been badly let down by legal support. Hope you can find some better support in the future.

[timmette]

Do try posting in Legal matters.
Keep a journal for your boys not just detaliling all the attempts you made to see them but how you feel etc - if things do get worse then one day this may prove some comfort to your boys.
Can you try sending them cards - recorded delivery etc - so you can prove you tried to keep in contact - or maybe to her solicitors for her attention?

[Snorbs]

That sounds awful and, sadly, not that uncommon either. I strongly suggest you join Families Need Fathers. As well as the good advice they can give you, they can also put you in touch with people who can assist you in representing yourself in court ('MacKenzie Friends'). It'll cost a fraction of what a solicitor will cost you and is often a lot more effective.

[GypsyMoth]

Firstly,as someone said.....self represent. Families need fathers can organize a mckenzie friend for you for support with this.

Secondly......is it a contact centre you use? Ask fir cafcass to do a report, you should be able to move from supervised after 6 months in a centre. And the ex shouldn't be allowed in anyway!

Thirdly......ask csa for your mileage allowance

Fourth.......phone contact. Not great for kids so little. Push for that when they are a bit older.

You need to be back in court. You need proper contact. Are you requesting staying contact?

[Muncton]

Thank you all for the fantastic supportive messages and also the informative replies.

As we all know, its sometimes a godsend just to let vent a bit as most of the time things are bottled up.
I will most definatly post this on the legal forum and all so will join families needs fathers as that looks a good avenue to explore.
I wont give up on this. If it takes two years of travelling 1000 miles a month for 2 4 hour visits or if it costs me £100k.
As said, I have never raised my voice at my children, I have never been violent (the thought of hitting anyone just abhors me full stop, let alone a woman, I was a copper for long enough to see the results of that!!) yet purely because of the law , admittedly shaped that way by lots of disappearing violent fathers, prevents me from being a dad.

Thanks again for your amazing support. its genuinely appreciated.

[Notalone]

I have no advice or experience of this at all but just wanted to say that you sound like a lovely father and your children, as they get older, will become more aware of what your ex wife is doing. She is not putting her children first at all and is actually being incredibly selfish and cruel. I wish you all the luck in the world.

[tessofthedurbervilles]

Tell her to get herself on this website, in particular the lone parents section, when she reads some of the stories about absent fathers not giving a damn she might actually realise her kids are lucky to have a good and caring man to call dad and stop her games.

[MuffinBaker]

Send the kids cards, letters, etc etc.

Little ones love receiving post.

[paranoidmother]

I was going to suggest that to, send the children cards, letters, postcards etc. Make a note of when and what you send (copy in sols etc if you want) also send recorded. Children love post and everyone will then know you are trying. YOu have the perfect excuse to do this to as you want them to know their new brother/sister when it arrives.

[VinegarTitsThePorker]

How awful for you she sounds like a utter bitch, my xp is an cock who ran out when i was pg and didnt come and see his ds until he was 6 mths old (despite me trying to encourage him since ds was born) he has never paid a penny to the csa despite my constant nagging to them(the csa that is) he is self employed so is an expert dodger regarding maintainence payments, despite this, i would never ever stop my ds from seeing with his daddy, he sees him every other weekend from fri - sun and they have a wonderful relationship, as far as i am concerned he can come and see him every day if he wants to, whatever makes my ds happy makes me happy, its not about the adults, it is about what is best for the dc, your ex needs to get herself on MN so we can talk some sense into the woman!

She is depriving her dc because of her own selfish bitterness, you sound like a very loving father and your dc will see that as they grow up and see her for what she is and the damage she is doing to your relationship with them

[Muncton]

Hi thanks again.
IN answer to some questions.
No, I am not at this stage looking for overnight contact, purely because the youngest is to young and I want to do what is right. I dont want to seperate them and just take the older but the little on is only 2 so not sure if its right for him.
However, he is totally comfortable with me.
I would jump at the chance to have them overnight but all I want at this moment is an agreement from my x to map out an increase in agreed access. not an instant change from limited access to what ever. I appreciate lets do it gradually despite my inpatience, but 4 hours, once a fortnight, in a play centre with my x there and usually her friends.

its not a contact centre as before my solicitor bombed out on dates, it was agreed that there were no welfare issues at all.
I kind of wish it was at a contact centre now I know that generally after, 6 months they allow you to expand the contact.
I have looked at the FAF site and its appears great. the cost implications re court are scary so I am seriously thinking about going to court by myself with a mackenzie friend. though I will be doing more research and also, looking at time scales. final costs duration etc. its all very scary.

But thanks again for your help, its great to kind words off people. I am not stupid enough to think there is not too sides to every story. of course my x probably looks at it differently. All I have done ispost the facts re not being allowed to expand contact, speak to them, see them unsupervised etc despite fact I pay for my kids, want to see more of them, have never been violent to kids or ex, never shouted at kids etc.
So thanks again, all the replies have been massively helpful.

[GypsyMoth]

No. Age 2 isn't too young for staying contact. Babies do I'd. But it does need to be increased. Chin up!!

[VinegarTitsThePorker]

Muncton my ds is 2(3 in july) and has been staying over night with his daddy since he was 12 months old, i hope she comes to her senses soon for the sake of your dc, dont give up the fight

[stickylittlefingers]

I do hope your ex sees that she's ruining things for her children by all this carry on. It's not at all unusual, as I've seen from dp's mother - she used all the same tactics. Just try and hang on in there - as the kids get older they will be able to ring/email you too, if they want to. Is so important to have a Daddy. I've often thought that, no matter what DP and I might think of each other, the relationship with the children is so important and wonderful to see.

Hope you find some more help.