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AIBU?

..to wonder why some people bother to have children?

43 replies

Tryharder · 22/04/2009 16:07

I was in a shop yesterday with my DCs and noticed a pram parked in the middle of the shop. The baby in the pram started to cry and from the "wah - wah" noise, you could tell that it was a newborn. The shop was a charity shop and so full of old ladies who promptly started to coo over the baby and jiggle the pram to try and calm the baby. The baby however, got more and more distressed to the point where I started feeling really uncomfortable.

After about 5 minutes of screaming, one of the old ladies called over to a woman who was browsing on the other side of the shop and said something about the baby wanting something or other. The woman looked really angry and said "for God's sake, he's crying, he cries all the time, so what?" By this time, I had gone over to the baby - he could only have been about 2 - 3 weeks old and there was a bottle of formula propped up against him and a load of sick coming out of his mouth. I said to the woman (really politely), "oh excuse me, your baby's been sick". She just tutted and ignored me and carried on rifling through the clothes. I then said "do you want me to hold him while you carry on with your shopping?" By this time, the baby's screaming was enough to break the shop windows. She said "no, he's crying, that's what babies do. Cry." After a bit, she left the shop with the pram and we were all just stood there a bit taken aback.

Anyway, I felt so bad for this baby - he was clearly uncomfortable/in distress and she so clearly didnt give a shit. I'm not judging her for having a baby that's cried in a public place - we've all been there - but to be totally unconcerned that your baby is in distress was awful.

This really upset me and upset DS1 as well. We were sorting out some old baby clothes last night and he asked me if we could give some of the old clothes to the baby in the shop.

I just couldn't understand this women's attitude - if you really cannot be arsed to look after a baby and are blatantly so unconcerned for it's happiness, then why have it in the first place?

So AIBU?

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PheasantPlucker · 22/04/2009 16:11

Maybe she was so totally, utterly knackered she could hardly think straight?

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Confuzzeled · 22/04/2009 16:12

No YNBU, to feel helpless and saddened by this situation. However the woman may be be suffering from pnd and speaking as someone who had pnd there was times I could have just left my dd in the shop.

You don't know the woman and therefore you can't be too harsh. The way she acted was terrible but it's better to give someone the benefit of the doubt than to be too judgmental.

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lilacclaire · 22/04/2009 16:13

I think you are being a bit judgemental

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rubyslippers · 22/04/2009 16:13

you don't know what her attitude is

she could be hugely depressed, sleep deprived and utterly pissed off for a million different reasons

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IheartNY · 22/04/2009 16:14

I think to have that level of ignoring the baby's cries and stress about other people mentioning it, she either is a complete cow who doesnt give a toss about her child or she is struggling big time and depressed and unable to cope.
Hopefully a day out will have done her the world of good to get out the house and today she is back hom feeling a little less stressed and cuddling that baby as much as he wants.

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Flibbertyjibbet · 22/04/2009 16:14

I never quite got to that point but when ds1 was a few weeks old and ds1 was teething at the same time... yes I can imagine those words coming out of my mouth too that babies cry.

I think its very harsh to ask 'why did she bother to have the baby' based on a 10 minute snap shot of her life. Perhaps 'AIBU to think this mother should not have left her baby to scream in the middle of the shop' would have been more appropriate.

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Pinkjenny · 22/04/2009 16:15

I certainly had days where I felt like this, I'm not sure I would have been so overt about it, but I had days where I just couldn't be arsed justifying myself or dd to anyone. There was nothing worse when dd was tiny, and I was, erm, emotional, than having people commenting on her crying. Unreasonable? Possibly, but at the time I just had no idea what I was doing. Makes me so sad to think of it now though.

Disclaimer: dd has never been left with a propped up bottle though.

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belgo · 22/04/2009 16:16

I think the main difference between her and most of the rest of us is that this incident happened in a shop.

I'm sure many of us, myself included, have been driven to the end of our tether by sleepless nights and a screaming baby.

Don't judge her, it sounds like she's having a very hard time.

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Pinkjenny · 22/04/2009 16:17

I remember someone saying to me in Starbucks, 'What is wrong with your baby, it sounds like you are murdering her.'

She got a bit of a mouthful from me, I am ashamed to admit.

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SusieDerkins · 22/04/2009 16:19

She probably hasn't been out of the house for days, she's knackered, had no sleep, her husband isn't helping her, she's completely overwhelmed by the whole thing and is only just holding it together.

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spicemonster · 22/04/2009 16:19

Newborn babies are really really hard work. I think it's really sad that she feels like that but I remember days when I did too. Luckily I was in the house so no one was around to comment on my utter inability to parent properly

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jellybeans · 22/04/2009 16:20

YANBU but it's abit judgy.

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izyboy · 22/04/2009 16:23

Asking 'Is there anything I can do to help?' Would have been fine. To be honest, I know people were trying to be kind, but a load of fussing strangers may well have caused more distress to the baby than a quick check and shush.

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EyeballsintheSky · 22/04/2009 16:23

But how many of you have ever propped up a bottle against a newborn's mouth? Or ignored it when it's covered in sick? I know I was driven to despair with DD, am still on the anti-Ds to prove it, but I would could never have left her unattended and in distress in the middle of a shop. I will admit to having walked out of the house and left her with DH before I exploded but browsing the clothes aisle is different, surely?

I'll judge with you. That seems to me a shocking way to treat a newborn

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yappybluedog · 22/04/2009 16:25

I used to LOVE it when some kindly lady offered to hold my screaming newborn dd whilst I packed the shopping

I couldn't hand her over fast enough

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Tryharder · 22/04/2009 16:27

I see where you are all coming from, but if that had been my baby, I would have picked him up and at least tried to comfort him not just leave him to scream while carrying on looking at clothes.....

I still think she was out of order and feel sorry for the baby.

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cazboldy · 22/04/2009 16:28

sorry but everyone is making excuses for her.... she was selfish, rude and mean!

Imagine in a year or 2 when he/she is a toddler..... try ignoring him/her then!

I don't care if you think I am being judgemental...... If she is tired/depressed/ whatever...... it is so not that poor little baby's fault!

(speaking as a mother of 5 who's dh works stupid hours)

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minxofmancunia · 22/04/2009 16:29

YABU to comment on her reaction but NBU to be shocked.

Speaking as someone who had a baby with all day colic, she screamed, non stop from 2.00pm until wearing herself out at 10.00pm each evening and fell conked out asleep.

Feeding didn't pacify her, rocking, stimulation, nothing, so my only excuse was to go out with a screaming baby as it just seemed a bit less bad out and about than at home on my own. It DID affect our attachment though and sometimes I just couldn't stand to be near her relentless crying.

Was actively shunned by the perfect mther brigade at the "supportive" baby groups because of my screaming inconsolable infant, prob thought I was a bad mother.

Maybe something similar has happened to this lady, because beleive me everyone expects a baby to cry but when it's relentless for 3 months day in day out you do stop thinking straight and go into blank mode.

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MrsMattie · 22/04/2009 16:31

She was rude, yes, but you have absolutely no idea about any other details of this woman's life, so I don't think you can say something as harsh as 'AIBU to wonder why some people even have children?'. She may have had PND or been sleep deprived or just been a bit of a narky sort, but that doesn't mean she is a bad mother or should never have had children. YABU.

Btw, when I had PND I ignored my DS's crying on occasion. So shoot me! I am sane and he is just fine. No harm done.

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geordieminx · 22/04/2009 16:31

The baby could have choked!

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BunnyLebowski · 22/04/2009 16:33

I'm with you Tryharder and Eyeballs.

I've been there and done that too with the sleep deprivation. Done the whole leaving the room and counting to ten just to clear my head when dd was screeching but no matter how bad I felt one look at my baby reminded me that it wasn't her fault either and made me do anything I could to help her (walking/feeding/cuddling etc)

No amount of tiredness is an excuse for propping a bottle against a tiny baby's mouth and leaving him covered in sick and wailing

It's neglect.

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Tryharder · 22/04/2009 16:35

Sorry to hear about your experience Minxofmancunia.... I trust your baby is a bit easier now?

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TheHedgeWitchIsNAK · 22/04/2009 16:59

This reply has been deleted

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BitOfFun · 22/04/2009 17:04

"Bottle of formula"?

This is MN, the woman should obviously be hanged as a witch....

Having said that, I would have been itching to pick the baby up myself, and she'd be on here AIBU-ing about me then

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Eve4Walle · 22/04/2009 17:14

PND anyone?

Sounds exactly like me after I'd had DD. Except I never went out. But if I did, then this is probably how I'd have been.

Now though, I'd probably feel the same as the OP.

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