To not really want my MIL to stay with us when I give birth?

[cazinski]

This is a bit of an awkward one, and I'm back and forth in my own head with what to do and how I want things to be. I'm due to give birth to our first child in the summer, my DH and I live quite a distance from both of our parents, in fact at the other end of the country. A good two to three hour train ride away.

My DH thinks it would be a good idea (and nice for his mum) if MIL came to stay with us. He wants to give her a ring when I basically go into labour and she'll make her way to our house. His thinking is that she'll be able to help out around the house, do little jobs etc. The thing is our place is not particularly big, she'd have to sleep in the dining room or on one of the sofas. I just don't know if I'm going to want all this messing about. I have an awful sinking feeling that my DH and my MIL will take over too. I feel like I just want a bit of space and to get to know my new child on my own without someone else waiting in line to cop a hold!

I've suggested that she stay in a B&B locally, just so we're not all under everyones feet-but DH seems to think that that's pretty mean and we can't expect her to do that. Hmmmpf.

Will I be glad of the extra pair of hands or will I be tearing my hair out wishing everyone (MIL) would just bugger off???

[traceybath]

I'd play it by ear personally.

Don't book her in to stay but if you feel like the help at the time then do ask.

Small house and family staying be they in-laws or not is hard work at the best of times.

[fishie]

how long is she coming to stay for? it is my idea of hell to have anyone to stay with a new baby.

you will need the sofa as you will be sitting there in front of telly feeding day and night with zombie expression. not entirely sure how she can help with that.

you will just have to say no.

[flowerybeanbag]

Why would it be mean? Surely she'd be more comfortable in a nice B&B than on a sofa anyway? I'm assuming you'd obviously be paying for the B&B?

[cazinski]

I think she'd quite happily stay until we took her back to the train station TBH! My thinking is that she should only come for a weekend, stay at our house whilst I'm in the hospital, have a day or two with us and then head home. She'd have seen her new grandchild and got that out of her system and we can get on with being a little tired family.

I just always imagined coming home from the hospital, just the three of us. I can't help but think that there will be too many opinions flying around. Grrrrr...

Of course I'd be grateful for any help, but would just probably prefer it if the visits were for an hour or so. Bit difficult in our case. Plus, I can just see her sitting on the sofa cuddling my new baby all day whilst I cook everyones dinner...

[parsley3]

Yes I'd play it by ear too. See how you feel.Personally,I wouldn't want anyone staying with me post birth and DH got on with "jobs" himself, visits OK though . IME ,feeling hormonal, trying to get the hang of breast feeding and looking and feeling like I'd been hit by a bus- wouldn't have wanted the audience. (Sorry don't want to scare you,lots of wonderful moments too!)Suppose it depends on your relationship with your MIL too.

[BunnyLebowski]

Don't do it.

Your having your and your husband first baby and those first few days should be for the 3 of you getting to know one another.

The jobs will get done, trust me. And you can relax and recover from the shock of the birth and not have to worry about someone else being there.

My DP and I also lives miles from family. I had my first baby 6 months ago and had a strict "no visitors" rule for 3 days after having her.

That time was so precious and special and I'm glad it was just the 3 of us!

Congrats on baby btw!

[BunnyLebowski]

Oh and if you're hoping to breastfeed then having visitors around isn't very conducive!

I spent the first few days practically topless feeding bubs whenever and wherever she wanted!

Would have hated to had to go upstairs or cover up.

[Ceebee74]

Absolutely not BU - the time when you get back from hospital with your new baby is so special and you can't get it back again and it should be just the 3 of you.

I think the B&B sounds like a good compromise (although you may want to set boundaries as to when she can and can't visit otherwise she will just decamp to your house anyway).

We told everyone they could visit but we didn't want any visitors after 5pm - so we could enjoy being the 3 of us and have nice relaxing evenings rather than overstimulating the baby just before bed!!

As for the 'jobs', newborns generally sleep a lot so your DH may find quite a bit of time on his hands to do whatever 'jobs' she thinks needs doing (although ime, other than the must-do jobs of washing and cooking, all other housework can wait!!)

[2rebecca]

Tell your husband you'd prefer it to just be the 3 of you initially and you will contact her later when you are more settled but that she would be more comfortabel in a B&B and you wouldn't worry about the baby waking her. if you pay for the B&B I don't see why that's mean.
I had my mum with me after the birth but husband couldn't get time off work and I feel relaxed with my mum, unlike with my MIL.

[Cosette]

No, don't do it. I against my better judgement agreed to this with DD1, and I have always regretted it. (now ex)DH took MIL for a nice lunch instead of coming to see me and DD in hospital earlier - they turned up mid-afternoon. No privacy at home, when bleeding heavily and trying to get breastfeeding established.

I felt that DH was putting MIL's needs and wishes before mine, and she wasn't a great amount of help, but was always "offering advice".

I put my foot down with DD2, and she came for a brief weekend visit a couple of weeks after she was born and that was so much better. I would have been happy to have her visit earlier, but she wouldn't stay in a B&B (even though we offered to pay).

[cazinski]

Thanks for all your words of wisdom, I think you're all talking sense too. It's my first baby and I really don't have any idea what to expect in the way of breastfeeding, how I'll cope and how I'll feel-I can only imagine I'll want a bit of privacy!

I'm going to show this thread to DH and hopefully he'll see it from another point of view, like a lot of you have said-we can always give her a call after a few days (or two weeks!) and get her to jump on a train for a visit.

Cosette-I think your story has hit home for me a bit!

[Asana]

YANBU. My MIL wants to come over from Norway as soon as DS1 is born and immediately offered to pay for and stay at a hotel/B&B. My family (being African) find this very strange and keep telling me off - personally, I could kiss her feet for being so considerate and understanding without me having to ask!

As a compromise and to avoid your MIL (or your DH) feeling offended that she is being relegated to a B&B, you could tell your DH that you would prefer not to have anyone staying over for at least a week, but that she can come to stay for a few days in the second week. This gives you time to bed in as a family and your MIL will still get to see her grandchild, albeit not immediately.

As for DH saying that MIL will be helping out round the house - given that you'll be recovering from labour, presuming that you are breastfeeding and the baby spends quite a bit of time asleep, surely he should be the one helping out with odd jobs round the house. My advice is to get the house as tidy as possible before the birth and try not to stress if it does get a bit untidy in the first week - dirty dishes are not the end of the world!

[Gorionine]

I had a bad experience with a relatve staying "to help" when I had DS2. She had just forgotten to mention to us that she was very depressed and was hoping a change of air would do her good, and, that because of her diabetes she was supposed to have meals a VERY regular times. I ended up having to cook for her and entertain her as well as making sure DD1(22mths old) was not feeling left out. She was supposed to stay 3 weeks after birth (had arrived 1 week before DS was born, so 4 weeks altogether) we had to let her go gently half way through her stay!

(was my aunt, not my mil BTW!)

If you really know her well and are sure she will be able to "function!" even if you are not with her constantly it might work but the B&B seems to be a very nice compromise IMO.

DH and I had 2 more DCs after that and just dealt with it on our own, as a nuclear family, and it was much more relaxing.

[hedgiemum]

My mum comes to stay for a fortnight after I've had each DC. it works fantastically, because she announces she is coming to look after ME (and to a lesser extent our older DC). She has the baby for a little while while I take a bath or eat, but mainly cooks delicious meals, does loads of laundry, plays with older DC, etc... It is incredibly generous and helpful of her.

If MIL is coming because she and DH have decided you'll need help with the baby, then politely but firmly put her off. Obviously if she isn't local then having her to stay right at the start so she can meet the baby would be a good thing to do. I'd get her to come right away when you're in labour, as there is a chance you'll be in hospital for a few days afterwards anyway!

She may surprise you pleasantly - and she is more likely to do so if you set firm boundaries. She'll be excited about her first grandchild and deserves some lovely cuddles, but be firm when you want LO back...

[mrsboogie]

This is the only time it will be just you, your husband and the baby. If you have another baby there will be a toddler/child in the equation. So you must have a lovely babymoon the three of you together. There's not much she can do to help you with the baby - you have to do it all really and the housework doesn't matter. Even with the best of intentions she will be in the way and do you really want to have to worry about her if you get a bit teary on day three, or are struggling with bfing or totally knackered?
She'd probably not get much sleep on a sofa with a new baby crying and you and your DH up and down the stairs at all hours.

Wait until a few days have past and you are all settled in at home and then invite her.

[lizzyclaire]

oh my word you've had some good advice already! Our parents all lived between 3-6 hrs drive away and we lived in a small house when ds was born. We offered to pay the B&B fees for the in-laws. Unless you absolutely know that you will want to do things as your MIL does then I'd say don't risk it! It's hard enough dealing with your own hormones and exhaustion without second guessing what your MIL's opinion might be. you could suggest she stays till you leave the hosp to keep your husb company but unless you have a rotten birth you could be home the same day. If she's reasonable she may be dissapointed but will understand. Did her mil stay when she had her first?? You're not unreasonable or alone! (smile)

[JackBauer]

My IL's stay nearby when they come to visit us, never in the house. They came down when I was booked in for a CS (undiagnosed breech) and then stayed for 10 days.
They came round every day at about 10-11 and stayed until 7 or 8, and I have never resented them more.
I was shattered and BFing constanly and didn't want ot get dressed every day, or be polite over what was on teh telly. I wanted snacks when I was hungry, not when someone else decided to cook a meal and the kitchen was out of bounds for hours.
I wanted to sit and veg and look at DD1 but I had to make conversation instead.

They arrived 20 minutes after we had got home from hospital with her and stayed for the rest fo the day and into the night when I wanted to snooze, so I had to go upstairs to bed while they go the telly as there wasn't room for me to lie down downstairs.
I wanted to talk frankly to the midwife about discharge and BFing and cracked nipples but my MIL kept following us and I felt really uncomfortable doing it.

I felt really ungrateful as they were trying to help but all they did was get in my way.

I know all this sounds really petty but when you are running on a few hours sleep, and it is all new, then petty is enough to tip you over the edge.

They went home after I screamed at MIL to F off adn leave me alone

I wouldn't say don't come at all, but in the house indefinately is not good, set a timescale so you knwo when she will be going etc and just have a backup of
'I am really tired, we (as in you and DC) are going to bed so will see you tomorrow/next time etc'

[wombleprincess]

go with what you want! if you think it will just create more work for you, then definitely not. also the first few days is very precious time, you'll never get it back.

[sobanoodle]

NO NO NO NO NO

[BunnyLebowski]

May I add that my opinion might be slightly coloured due to the fact that when MIL did come to visit 4 days after I had dd she sat on her fat arse watching whilst I made dinner for me and her(DP was out getting groceries).

I was practically hobbling (thanks to 3rd degree tear, mahoosive haemorrhoids and heavy bleeding) and was knackered but she didn't even offer to help.

She then, when finished her pasta, put the bowl on the floor and walked outside to have a smoke (grrr) and left it there. The bowl was still there the next morning.

I envy any of you who have a lovely MIL and whose DP comes from a functioning loving balanced family

Can I just reiterate my original advice ..

DON'T DO IT!!

[BiscuitStuffer]

My DH was the same and MIL flew over for a week. He basically said she was coming and that was the end of it .

I insisted that when I came home from hospital that the house was to be empty and that it was just the 3 of us crossing the threshold together.

For DC2 he told her that she was not to come until we were ready after the birth (if that tells you anything??).

[BiscuitStuffer]

We must have the same MIL! She also sat on her bum the whole time.

[BlingDreaming]

what about your parents? Aren't they going to be a bit put out if MIL is there "helping" and they're stuck somewhere else?

I also don't see the value in her arriving simultaneously and couldn't care less that it would be "nice for her". If DH really wants to be nice to her, fair enough, but then she should come a week or two after the baby is born rather than immediately as.

What is it with men and their mothers?

[sazzerbear]

If DH and MIL are so insistent, maybe she could come down a couple of days after baby born? If space is an issue, can't she stay in a b&b so that she's not sleeping in the lounge and in your face (and therefore not there all the time!) Good luck!

[alicet]

We also have both sets of parents at the other end of the country. We said that they were welcome to come and stay when I was in hospital and to visit us there but that dh and I wanted to take ds1 home on our own and have the 2 weeks of his paternity leave with no overnight guests as we wanted to find our own feet. They were both fine with that.

Then they came up after dh went back to work which was lovely.

Fastforward 20 months to ds2 and my mum came to stay as I knew I would be having a section and would need help with ds1. Couldn't have hacked it with mil though but without needing to say she understood this.

Talk to your dh and try to gently explain that although you can understand he would like to include his mum it is not him who will have goen through labour and childbirth and not him who is weepy, hormonal and trying to establish bf so therefore you feel you deserve some consideration for how you might feel at that time.

If that approach doesn't work ask him to try shitting out a watermelon, followed by attaching a strong vacuum cleaner to his nipples after first sanding them roughly with sandpaper. then to decide if he feels like visitors!