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AIBU?

Mumsnet jury needed on this one please...sorry bit long!

26 replies

honeybrown · 18/04/2008 10:18

...and I promise to abide by your decision!

The issue: My friends' MIL is a close friend of my MIL. I have just had an email from this friend letting me know that my mother in law has been very "negative" (to put it mildly) about the fact that my husband and I haven't been up to see her with the children for 7 months. According to MIL, our behaviour is disgusting ....

Granted MIL is disabled and finds travelling difficult but what she failed to mention to her friend is that we have had a hellish few months with our ds. Ds has autism and gets very stressed in strange places, doesn't travel well and doesn't sleep if we stay over anywhere. After a two night stopover with my sister, where ds had a total of 4 hours sleep, mega tantrums and excessive headbanging, Dh and I decided we would put staying away on hold until ds could cope better with it. In the meantime, Dh visited MIL on his own and also with our dd. We even sent Dh the 260 miles to her house on Christmas day because his selfish brother decided he would rather stay at home even though it was his turn. We just haven't been up all together for 7 months.

This sounds like such a whinge but I am fed up of being slated by this woman when actually I am doing my best in less than easy circumstances. Dh thinks we should just ignore what she said to her friend. I think we need to confront her and, in as nice a way as possible, let her know that this is unacceptable.

Can the mumsnet jury help please?

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Seabright · 18/04/2008 10:29

YANBU. You need to inform your friend of the true situation so she sees how your MIL is manipulting the truth to her own "poor me" advantage.

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TheHedgeWitch · 18/04/2008 10:29

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SquonkTheBeerGuru · 18/04/2008 10:32

YANBU but please try to understand that people of an older generation tend to not understand autism - she may just think your ds is being "awkward" and you are pandering to him.

I repeat though, YANBU

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brassmonkeys · 18/04/2008 10:33

You don`t have to be nasty but tell her basically what you have written here

You have more than enough on your plate without her DEMANDS

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jellyhead · 18/04/2008 10:35

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Nagapie · 18/04/2008 10:37

YANBU ...

I wouldn't confront her as all you have to go on is heresay (albeit from a reliable source) and can be easily dismissed and negated by MIL..

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wannaBe · 18/04/2008 10:38

yanbu.

I wouldn't mention it to your mil, but I would put your friend in the true picture.

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stealthsquiggle · 18/04/2008 10:41

YANBU, but I can't really see that you have much to gain by confronting her..

If your friend has a good relationship with her MIL maybe you could get her to have a quiet word about how hard it is for you right now?

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Psychomum5 · 18/04/2008 10:43

YANBU......but I would try and ignore it.

your friends who really count I am assuming understand, and other family???

your MIL will most likely moan regardless, and with this at least, you know what she is saying, and know that it is just her skewed version rather than what is the real version IYGWIM.

many MIL's find something to moan about......(as do many of us DIL's too), so if not this then it would be something else!

I know how annoying it is, especially as there is good reason on your part that she clearly doesn;t understand, but you are doing you best as you say, and she isn;t being ignored as your DH and DD still do go!!

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Youcannotbeserious · 18/04/2008 10:47

Well, YANBU

But, I think I'd ask my friend not to tell me about anything else in future.

You can't change your MIL's perspective, but you can ignore it!

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honeybrown · 18/04/2008 10:47

Thanks guys - my friend is well aware of what we have had to deal with here. She is very supportive and basically filled her MIL in as to the reasons why we haven't managed to get up to see her. Friends MIL totally understood. I just felt very misrepresented

I have spent quite a lot of time trying to help MIL understand what autism is and how it affects ds's life. She is very much in denial though and maybe that complicates things. However she is forever bitching about her friends and how little they do for her, so why should she be any different about me?

I think I will let it lie for a while.... Making a mental note to try and stop letting what MIL thinks/says get to me!! Perhaps I will advertise for a new MIL. Oh and if anyone knows of a lovely lady in the South East who wants to be adopted, let me know!

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MadameCh0let · 18/04/2008 10:48

I don't think you are being unreasonable. Cetain personality types think that they are the only ones with problems. I feel sorry for her that she can't get out much, and boredome is probably giving her too much time to over-analyse everything you don't do!!

I was going to suggest approaching your friend's MIL, but she probably won't want to risk damaging her friendship for a problem that is not her problem.... Nobody wants to lose their friends over someboy else's battle. And I would understand that.

I would get your husband to ring your MIL and talk about how hard it's been. She may be listening but not really opening her ears. I suppose you will have to visit eventually, and although you don't want to upset your son, perhaps you need her to see what it is really like for you on a daily basis. Perhaps you could send her some information to read first. I know some people, grouchy old people (sorry! did I say that) would blame the parents for being too lax or some nonsense like that. SHe needs to be left in no doubt about your son's autism and the difficulties you're dealing with day to day. So she misses her son and grandchild? I sypathise, but she can ring? She could get somebody to install skype! SHE should be a little bit more pro-active herself.

YANBU.

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honeybrown · 18/04/2008 10:58

MadameCh0let, I could fill the page with all the suggestions I have made to MIL to help keep in contact. Have offered email, skype, letters - lots of info about autism, phone calls etc... All rejected for one reason or another.

The good news is that ds is starting to cope better with doing things that are not part of his routine. Things aren't easy (spent 20 minutes in supermarket car park yesterday trying to persuade ds that shopping wasn't so bad before heading home minus groceries!!!)

I'm sure there will be a time in the future when we will be able to go up as a family but right now we are concentrating on settling him into a daily routine.

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honeybrown · 18/04/2008 10:59

P.S. Have decided to order another book on autism and post it to her !

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madamez · 18/04/2008 11:03

YANBU, she's a whiny old cow so try not to let her get to you. Remember we can't change other people's behaviour we can only change the way we react to it. Your friend sounds nice and supportive, just ask her politely not to tell you any more of your MIL's whining cos you get quite enough of it as it is.

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Psychomum5 · 18/04/2008 11:06

hoenybrown.......don't forget that from her point of view, autism is a new and recent diagnosis given to those children that in her day would have been classed as 'deliquents' and been thrown into those 'workhouse' types institutions.

tis only right that society has moved on from then, but sadly many older people haven't and so hold this warped view and still think it is our perenting making the kiddies like this, rather than it being a true condition.

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yurt1 · 18/04/2008 11:06

YANBU

We tried the book route with our IL's. It worked to a point, but also hasn't really. I sent George and Sam and Lorna Wing's book, and have emailed various articles (like this one one in the Observer a few weeks ago)

We also didn't visit for 4 years (2 days trip for us and we had the problem of ds1 not sleeping or eating when away). We've just made the first trip for 4 years and it was much better. We also took my Mum and Dad to help out on the journey.

ILs visited us in those 4 years and have been fairly understanding (AFAIK) about our inability to travel. We were quite blunt when we made the decision to not try again for a while though and I have made it clear that our recent trip would not have worked without my Mum and Dad helping us.

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yurt1 · 18/04/2008 11:09

How severe is your son? I think my MIL finds ds1's condition difficult to understand as a disability (rather than something youcan just tell a child how to behave iyswim and if you do it 'properly' it will work) and yet ds1 is 9 years old, non-verbal and has severe learning difficulties. Don't underestimate the power of denial either.

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honeybrown · 18/04/2008 11:19

We don't know how severe ds's autism is as he is only just 3. He has no real speech but is making valient efforts to communicate. At present, I am the only person who can understand him but I think this will change as he grows...
The article struck a real chord by the way - what a difficult situation to manage for that family. I shudder to think what ds will get up to when he is older.
Sorry to hear about your experinces Yurt1 but I'm grateful for someone who knows how it is! We had a grim holiday last year when ds would scream everytime we left our tent (yeah camping I know!)to go to a restaurant. I would grab some bread and retreat to the car to wait whilst the others ate....

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WonkyAngel · 18/04/2008 12:17

Oh, honeybrown, I know how you feel. My mil went one step further. She contacted the local papers about her abandonment from the council down to her family, when she did her back in.

The council was meant to sort stuff out for her but never did, so when she complained to the papers, she said she'd been living on cups of soup for 6 weeks because she couldn't get to the shops. All dh's friends who still lived locally was ringing him up asking why we were not taking care of her.

It was not nice explaining to everyone that she failed to mention that we took her shopping twice in those 6 weeks! And had been doing loads to help. It still made us look bad and I don't think dh has ever really forgiven her for it.

You should read my thread about my mil I started this morning.

There's no bluddy winning with them!

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MadameCh0let · 18/04/2008 12:28

Honeybrown, I totally sympathise. You just can't communicate with people who have their ears shut. I feel like that's what I'm up against too. I know it's different but I live in Ireland and one set of my children's grandparents live in UK. Their father visits but doesn't give me any £££ at all, so although grandparents are welcome, I am not disrupting all of our lives for the GPs sake. Selfish maybe, but I am a single mum and I just can't take on any more.

Anyway, If I brought the children over for a fortnight they'd be bitching I hadn't brought them for a month. They are able-bodied btw, they have been to France, Spain and US, but Ireland is unreachable! Not a thought is ever made to what expense, effort, inconvenience it might be for me! They never ring here, but gripe that I don't 'allow' the children to ring them. They are five and two ffs. The 2 yr old doesn't speak and the five yr old clams up when she's interviewed, and they haven't the brains to just chat calmly to get her to open up. We had skype too, but I had to delete my MIL as she was instant messaging me and they weren't nice messages..

In laws.... Oh my God. And EX In-Laws! What is the answer. If a good friend halves your problems, then nasty In laws quadruple them.

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toodles · 18/04/2008 12:37

YANBU

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mazzystar · 18/04/2008 13:00

of course you are not being unreasonable, in the slightest BUT she's an elderly lady, with a disability, living hundreds of miles from her family, her other son doesn't sound very interested in her and her grandchild - who she'd very much like to see - has something wrong with him that she doesn't/can't/won't understand. I can understand why she's possibly a bit fed up.

So think that you just have to take it on the chin and ignore her gripes. You only have it third hand after all. You are doing your best under difficult circumstances - a confrontation ain"t going to help.

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Kitti · 18/04/2008 17:43

I think your friend should have been able to explain to her mil your position at the moment (if you're concerned about what your friend's mil thinks of you). If not then just ignore it. Perhaps a visit to your mil asap so she can see how your son reacts might help her understand alittle more.

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honeybrown · 18/04/2008 19:21

Thanks everyone. Am now thinking I should be big enough to take it on the chin. As I said, my friend is very supportive and explained to her MIL so I'm not worrying about what she thinks. Will now explain to dh that mumsnet jury has pronounced its verdict and that I will stick with their (and his!) advice!

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