To resent that my DPS attempts at running a business are destroying our family

[lucyellensmum]

IVe no money and virtually no food in the house. For the past two years ive lived like this. He has earnt 7K on average and no benefits coming in.

He is a carpenter and very good at what he does, but cannot organise the business at all, so he has irate clients on his back all the time, he has to work ridiculous hours to get jobs done, for what??

Now i know there is an obvious answer to this, i should get a job, i do have earning potential but very little experience. I cannot do the part time thing because we would lose the tax credits we are finally getting and childcare costs bla bla bla - but thats not the point, i really really dont want my little girl cared for by strangers and only seeing her for an hour before bedtime.

So i am lazy and selfish???? But my point is this - if he were to give up on the business and see sense, get a job he could earn 30K and we would be OK (just, as you can imagine two years of earning next to nothing we have acrued a lot of debt - borrowing just to pay the mortgage etc) Its such a mess. If all he could earn was 7K then i would no question get a job, but when you look at things logically it wouldnt matter if i were earning 100K, him running a business that is basically losing money is just plain stupid.

I am at breaking point, i have been sobbing on front of DD all morning and staring at a big packet of tablets that i should be returning to the chemist (ive had them since my father died two years ago) and thinking i could end this now, Im not going to, i want to believe me, because i hate breathing right now but i coudlnt do that to my little girl, i love her so much i cant describe. I fucked up with her sister so much, i was so interested in my own career that i dumped her on my parents all the time so i could study and work, what was that all for?? I now have a teenage daughter that barely speaks to me, lives with her boyfriend and is busy letting life pass by her.

I am full of so much resentment for DP just now, i love him dearly but right now i dont want him, i dont want this life - if i walk away i wont have much but its got to be better than all of this stress = i can only take so much, im not a strong person.

[ALMummy]

LEM - not as bad as you but I am somewhere similar as DH pursues the career that will apparently be the making of us. Our life is generally pretty crap and I, like you want to be at home with my kids - not that if I went back to work I could earn enough to cover childcare costs and make it worthwhile anyway.

Get rid of those tablets - dont even have them in the house.

I go through stages of wanting to be supportive and then really farkin hating him for not just doing the right thing and getting the well paid job he could get - he has kids FFS!

You have to talk to him, easier said than done I know. Somehow when I talk to DH I do end up being reassured. I made DH give me a time limit as well for when his job will start making money and if doesnt in that time frame then he will get a better paid job. Hopefully by that time I will be able to work as DD will be at school by then. I know it seems hopeless but it wont always be like this. about your eldest, that must be awful but at least you have learned from it and are trying to a better job with your younger DD and that is all anyone could ask for.

Throw the tablets out now!!!!!

[ALMummy]

BTW I hated my Mum through my teenage years and into my twenties but then when I had kids of my own a lot of her choices became understandable to me and I was able to let a lot of my anger go and realise why she did some of the things she did. Its not perfect but we have a much better relationship now. Your eldest will come around. I did and I had ALOT to forgive.

[WonkyAngel]

First of all, I think you should see your GP and establish whether you are depressed. I don't blame you if you are. I would be. In fact, I was, when I was in a similar situation than you.

I know you are a regular poster, but don't know your circumstances, so forgive me if I'm saying things you already know or have done.

Secondly, can you talk to your husband about getting a higher paid job, but agree a time limit. Tell him that if he gets a proper job for lets say 2 years, then you can try to minimise debt, but also try to set up a nest egg for when he wants to try his own business again. That way you will have savings to fall back on if things don't go as well as you expect.

Thirdly, I'd say get a part-time job of 16 hours or less. That won't affect your tax credits (or shouldn't do, the CAB can tell you what's best).

If nothing else, it might give you a sense of contributing towards the monthly income and a light at the end of the tunnel.

I'm sorry about your teenage dd. But I think you're going from one extreme to the other (sorry if I'm talking through my arse here). You've gone from working all the time with one dc, to not working at all with the other one. Maybe you can find a happier middle ground.

I feel for you, I've been there and it's so disheartening.

[lilolilmanchester]

He is a craftsman - not a business man. Could you help him organise the business side, bills, taking calls from clients?

[Monkeybird]

lucyellensmum

I'm sorry you're having a hard time - it sounds awaful and you sound really on the edge. if you're looking at the tablets, perhaps you should be ringing someone like Samaritans?

Or if it's not that bad just yet, go to your GP to see if you can get some help?

[meglet]

((((hugs))))) Sorry you have been having a crap time. Have you suggested he gets a better paid jod, what is his response?

[chrissnow]

I agree with lilolil. Even if he was a business man as well . . . you can't take the orders and make the orders. If you could help (which you could do from home and not lose time with dd) then you're doing some work and making it a family business.

Oh and THROW the pills away. NOW Please.

[lucyellensmum]

I have been to my GP, i was put on ADs and basically left to get on with it, that was a year ago - my GP who is lovely, but hands tied by limited funds, is on maternity leave and her locum is a bitch, i was late for an appointment (mostly becuase i had to wait for five minutes for the receptionist to acknowledge me) and she bollocked me for being late, even said i was 7 minutes late and said that i shoudlnt rely on ADs and need to start taking responsibility for myself- oh, dont get me started on her - grrrrr

I want to support him, i do his accounts, i refuse to take calls from clients as he makes ridiculous time promises he cant keep and then will NOT answer the phone when they call to find out what is happening. I cant keep fobbing people off, its shit and i wont do that. I have lost all my enthusiasm for the business. I just go from one of his jobs stressing about when it will be finished etc, he prices them ridiculously cheap, has been taken the piss out of by his "staff" and lost so much money. I dont think it is worth it i really dont. If it wasnt for my mum we would have lost everything. I am grateful but i resent keep having to ask her for money.

This is destroying my love for him, i just feel resentment and self loathing because i know i am putting extra pressure on him by not getting a job, the thing is, i most likely could get a job that would cover childcare and make everything all right, but i dont have the confidence, if i had to sit in an interview i know i would fall to peices the minute they asked me my bloody name. Thats not the point, i want to be a proper mummy, i want to do all the mummy things, bake cakes, tend the garden, etc etc - i know its a fantasy but that is my dream - a lovely little house, some chickens, a goat and dogs, oh and a huge veggie patch. We can all dream can't we, ist just my dreams are impossible and pretty bitter sweet i can tell you.

[Youcannotbeserious]

Hi LEM!!

Sorry things are tough........

OK, here's an idea for you:

He's good at what he does (carpentry) and you don't work.... So, how about YOU take over the management side of things?

We've talked before on posts and from what you've said previously your DP has TERRIBLE time management - something you can NOT afford in any job, but even moreso when you are self employed......

You get to be the mum you want to be (and gain some confidence - we've talked about this before too, and it's something you REALLY need to do for you - you can take basic courses in book keeping , setting up a website etc. to increase business for your DP - and you deal with the clients and sort out his diary.......

And this would have the added benefit of him not going AWOL for several hours to look at some equipment that he NEEDS to be able to decide upon in 5 minutes.

I'd start by making an appointment with your small business manager......

Please don't give up.... think outside of the box (pardon the expression). If you have to get a job, you'll resent that just as much (even if you like the job, IYSWIM!) and it'll still means that your DP is slogging his guts out going round in circles and (if he's got irate customers on the phone) NOT making the most of repeat business / referalls!

Hope that's helpful!

[Youcannotbeserious]

Sorry, just crossed posts........

[tigermoth]

So it seems you both have dreams, he of being a successful carpenter and you of having a lovely home and being there for your dd.

[chrissnow]

LEM - If he makes such ridiculous promises and prices can you not take the calls from the offset and give them reasonable timescales and prices. Just don't let him take the calls at all!!! Be the manager/receptionist/administrator. Totally ban him from making any decisions!! That way neither of you has to stress about taking the bad phone calls and his time is freed up to actually make the stuff rather than spending time organising.

[tigermoth]

Is your dh's buinsess the sort that could be done part time while he has another job that fits round it, just to bring in some regular money?

[tigermoth]

FWIW, I have a friend whose husband is a caprtenter/cabinet maker. I have known her for years and during that time the husband has taken 'proper' jobs as a carpenter and then slowly built up his own business with freelance commissions. In the early days, he did other part time and casual work sometimes, to make ends meet. My friend also didn't want to work full time, and she had a daughter. She did do different casual and part time jobs as well.

If your husband got an actual job as a carpenter just temporarily, could you persuade him that this is adding to his general experience, giving him more contacts and could help in the long term with his business?

[lucyellensmum]

ITs not an experienced carpenter that he needs, his ability in that sphere astounds me, honestly i would recommend him to all of you - you might have to wait an innordinate amount of time - but the finished products/job would be well worth the wait. He is not a chippendale (of any form ) but he really is so talented. So yes, it is a waste for him not to persue this.

I think i get the message that i need to get back on board with the business, i do - he needs the encouragement. Ive just lost my way. I honestly cannot do the pricing as it is obviously too job dependant etc, but we did agree that we would do this together but it fell by the wayside when things got too busy. Ive always muddled through with the accounts, we keep meaning to get a software package like sage or something but cant afford it.

I need to get out of this mire and help out my man.

[lucyellensmum]

I am a bad bad person

I have spent the whole morning angry as hell with DP, resentful and self pitying - you guys have done alot to give me a shake, thankyou.

BUT the thing that has made me feel better, vindicated and piss myself laughing??

DP has just rung me saying that he has just been bitten by an enormous spider - i'm so bad, i coudlnt stop laughing, i mean, i hope it wasnt poisonous, just one of those big hairy house spiders, he said it got stuck down his t shirt and bit his neck - oh, i laughed so much my tummy hurts - hows that for Karma - he upset me big time this morning by dismissing me when i was trying to talk to him about money (again) and then my revenge occurs in the form of a hairy arachnid - see, i told you i was bad.

Fuck that - if i got bitten by a spider i would need sectioning!!

[ImightbeLulumama]

if your income is £7000 PA you should be getting a lot of help in benefits surely?

i know you have chronic depression and this is not helping

i hvae a friend whose DH was working for himslef in a similar trade, but just not earning enough so he has gone to work for someone else in the same trade, earning more, regular work, and less pressure. they are giving it 12 - 18 months and then will re-evaluate and see about him going it alone again

i think being open to adapting is key

your DP needs to look at the bigger picture

you are not in a position to work right now. and he is not bringing in enough to take care of you all

robbing peter to pay paul is not a long term plan.

flush the tablets down the loo or walk to the chemist now and take them back, no good having them in the house

i would go to the CAB and ask for help re the benefits

[chrissnow]

I bet he'd love your help but is too proud to ask. You'd love to help, but are too overwhelmed with sadness at the moment.
It will be a self fulfilling prophecy. WHen you take the plunge and get involved, you'll feel better, he'll feel better and the business will get better. Then you'll both feel loads better!! It will probably be a long hard slog, but if he is as telented as you say (am at how proud of him you are) then you will get there.
Sit down the two of you. Make a business plan. WHO is responsible for what. STICK to it like glue. If you need to speak to him ref. timescales after an enquiry, make sure he is honest and realistic with you. Its far better to 'get back' to a client with a realistic date/price rather than pluck something out of thin air that isn't correct.
Good Luck. You sounded much more positive in your last post.

[lucyellensmum]

lulu, i have just managed to get the tax credits sorted out - it was a long complicated mission (god knows why!) but we got there in the end.

Ive just texted DP to make sure he is still alive, he says he has a twitch ive told him to come home and take one of my anti histamines!!! now i feel bad , i cant help it, i'm still smiling

[ImightbeLulumama]

do you get them backdated?

[chrissnow]

Oh no I x-posted. You sounded more positive in your last but one post. In your last post you sounded positively evil
Glad you've had a laugh. One good belly laugh is worth 100 pills a million drinks and 2 chocolate bars!!