Because my MIL is really, really doing my head in??? (Soz but really need to vent)!

[Beelliesebub]

DH and I moved to Cumbria over 3 years ago and during this time mil did the expected guilt thing. She's a widow and lives on her own. Her daughter can't bear her, her other son decided he wanted nothing to do with her 15 years ago and she's never seen hide nor hair of him since and as for my dh, he promised his dad he'd look after her, so there you have it. By all accounts dh and his siblings have no fond childhood memories, well none that include her anyway. Anyway in January we finally moved her up here and for some unknown reason the whole freckin duty of care has landed itself squarely at my feet. Now don't get me wrong I'm not an unreasonable women but I am really starting to get the arse about it now and it not helped by the fact that she seems to want to wind me up on purpose and I'm really not freckin amused. She takes my dogs toys off them and gives them to her dog, on Sunday her dog clawed a hole in her arm when she handed it to her while my dog's just looked on wondering what she'd done to have her toy took off her, she refuses to walk anywhere and I mean anywhere and just assumes that I'm her personal freckin taxi, in fact it got so bad that I refused to have the car on any day except Monday and Thursday, if she wants something doing she insinuates along the lines of "Oh, I could put something there but I need such and such doing first". Why.....why would a person do that Grrrrrr and if she whines about the weather one more freckin time I swear I'm gonna attack her with a piece of rubber hose! (doesn't show bruises, apparently)!!!
Please, please, please will you all help with you wisdom and help me get all this into perspective before I maim her!

[RustyBear]

Does she actually live with you, or just nearby?

[Solitaire]

Attack her with the rubber hose. I would!!

[FranSanDisco]

Yes the rubber hose sounds an excellent idea. I'm taking some up to Glasgow to fend off for my MIL and want to thank you for the suggestion . I would have a talk with your dh about this though as she is his mother not yours. I have a needy MIL who does my head in so sympathies.

[Beelliesebub]

Just nearby RB...... thank god!

I know sleepy but........... It doesn't help when he sez "She's old" Like that's the answer, who gives a freck!!!! Go and freckin visit her then you feckless twat!

Rubber hose is looking so enticing solitaire

[girlfrommars]

It sounds like you need to establish some boundaries before you bury her under the patio.

Maybe remind your DH that she's his mother, and that though you will help her it's not fair that you have to carry the whole burden?

Maybe suggest that the weather might be better if she moved futher south, like Australia...

[CarGirl]

I would make it clear to your DH that it is his responsibility to look after her not yours, then when he is fed up of her attitude you can joinly draw up some ground rules and present them to her?

[Beelliesebub]

Glad I could help Fran....

The trouble is, i'm not needy, never have been and I suspect never will be and whats worse I'm convinced it's an act as far as she's concerned!

[Cappuccino]

she's done what exactly?

took your dog's toys off her

moaned about the weather

big whoop

I do not understand the bit about someone's arm being clawed

[TurkeyLurkey]

err, I was with you until the bit about the dogs toys

[Cappuccino]

yes Turkey didn't get that

tell you what, get rid of both dogs

problem solved

dogs are vile anyway

[Dropdeadfred]

Just tell her to prepare a list of chores that she needs doing so that you can present it to DH. Then tell him you will vsiit her once a week alone and once with him....no more unless an emergency.

[Beelliesebub]

Her dog clawed her arm when she gave her my dogs toy and I know it probably sounds trivial when you put it like that cappucino but it's really not. It's really annoying when you have to put up with it 24/7.
Anyway..... If I get rid of both dogs it doesn't solve the problem cos she'll still be doing all the other stuff..... I asked for wisdom.......

[Dropdeadfred]

i offered wisdom...

[Solitaire]

can't you encourage MIL dog to attack her again. Saves you a job

[Beelliesebub]

Ok... I've just gone and picked her up from the hairdressers. She got the hairdresser to ring to tell me she had finished.... she lives a 10 min walk (at the very most) from the hairdressers but NO.... I have to go and pick her up because she doesn't want to walk up a hill..... but she walks her freckin dog about a mile, twice a day.

Tell me..... is it me????

[RustyBear]

I really sympathise Beelliesebub - I know from experience that it's often difficult to get across just how someone like this drives you mad - when you try, all the things you can think of sound so petty, especially because you can't reproduce the attitude & tone of voice - DH's mum is exactly like this! She has recently moved close to my SIL after DH spent nearly every weekend at her too-big, too-remote house for almost a year and now she is ringing DH every day to complain that SIL is either 'always over here interfering' or 'never comes to see me' - often both on the same day. She now wants to move down here, which I am resisting because I know I will end up in exactly the same position as you.

[Beelliesebub]

Yes you have ddf...

LOL at getting her dog to attack her again...

[Dropdeadfred]

get an answer machine and screen your calls. Then you could pretend to be out next time...

I would have told the haidresser to give her the local taxi firns number

[chamaeleon]

you need caller display.

[Trolleydolly71]

Message withdrawn

[Beelliesebub]

I've just spoken to dh. When I picked her up a little while ago she got in the car and said "I've booked a perm for Wednesday, so if you can't get the car, I'll have to walk" but she knows damn well that I had the car yesterday to go to the hairdressers and get my hair done!!!! So what do you do?? I just relayed this to dh and his answer was........

"It's up to you!"

WTF

[RustyBear]

I think you may have to harden your heart next time & say - sorry I can't pick you up (insert excuse she can't argue with, you may have to prepare a list for future use)- would you like me to call a taxi for you?

[potoftea]

Bee, to keep your sanity and your marriage intact you have to set some ground rules, and learn to say NO.
When she rang looking for a lift from the hairdressers you were probably caught "on the hop" and so didn't think to refuse, so practice for next time. You will obviously need to be there for her if she is ill or needs to get to a hospital or doctor's appointment, but are not to be so available in normal circumstances.

I have a friend whos mother drives her mad, and when I say to her why do you do everything she asks of you, she says she never learned to say no to her. Like you it is the little things that are wearing her down daily, and I see such a change in her personality in the past few months.

[Dropdeadfred]

Phone her right now and tell her to take her brolly with her to the hairdressers as if you had intended to be a taxi service you would put up cards and start charging!!! Cheeky cow!!