to not want to deal with my husbands "oh poor me" behaviour?

[theressomethingaboutmarie]

So I returned to work full-time a few weeks ago after 5 months maternity leave. I'm up at 5:45am every weekday morning to get to work for 7:45am and then leave work at 4pm to collect DD at 5pm.

From the moment I get home, I am playing with DD, cleaning, tidying, doing laundry, preparing meals etc. My husband and I were in the kitchen together last night talking about his parent issue and I was listening, commenting and being very supportive. I was complimenting his behaviour in the situation etc.

So I finally get my bum on a seat by 9pm or so and am knackered. We're giving DD her night feed and notice that her grobag is broken. DH decides that now (during her night feed) is the time to fix it rather than just get another one, get her comfy, fed and back to sleep.

I tell him that we should just replace it and he gets all cranky about it; tells me to support DD's head whilst he's trying to (incorrectly btw) repair it. He then tells me that I'm standing in his light .

I, very quietly, tell him to stop messing around and grab a new grobag and put it in her cot, lay her in it and finish her feed. Job done.

So, whilst we are getting ready for bed, he tells me that I am nasty and that he feels unloved as I have no time for him . So, I ask him to clarify what he means (if my behaviour is out of line, I want an example so that I know what's ticking him off so I don't do it again); he says that he can't think of a specific example there and then.

Am I being unreasonable to a) feel really p*ssed off at his "oh, poor me" attitude and b) to feel like exploding because all I bloody well do is give and get naff all in return.

Sorry to vent, I'm angry!!

[Triggles]

Feel free to vent! I'd be angry, too! He's feeling unloved over a grobag??

DH and I share both the household chores and the childraising tasks, as it is OUR house and OUR child. You might want to point out to your DH that if he spent less time whinging and more time contributing to the upkeep/care of the house and child, you might have more time to spend with him. Grr! Irritated on your behalf!

[Eve34]

It is really hard to adjust to a new baby in the house, it is a difficult time for both of you, DS is 19 months now and I finally feel I have some sort of handle on things now. Can you discuss the routine you both have now you are back at work and share what needs to be done. I do a load of washing in the morning - can set a timer if you want it done when you wake, we cook tea and play with DS and then we wash up and do jobs together. After putting DS to bed we both sit down for the evening, but it has taken us some time to get to this point. Talk to each other, have you had a few hours to yourselves since the baby came along? DH might be feeling a little neglected? Hope you sort it out.

[Squirdle]

Blimey, I think you are a saint! A very young baby, working full time and doing everything at home - you must be shattered!

I do think your DH is being unreasonable, but maybe he is still adjusting to your working full time as it has only been a few weeks. Having young babies isn't the easiest of jobs at the best of times (as I am sure you know) and it sounds to me like things have changed an awful lot in your house in the past few weeks. So a lot to adjust to.

So while you DH should be more supportive and understanding, maybe it would be good to sit down and explain that you are tired because as well as working you now have a baby to care for and while you don't want your relationship to suffer, if you worked together the adjustment would be easier.

You are not nasty, you are just very tired - understandably so.

Many men feel like this when a new baby comes along as they then have to 'share' you with someone else and feel like you have less time for them. Men can be very childish like this, but he will soon get it!

Take care and try not to overdo it x

[Squirdle]

Eve, when did J get to 19 months

[FloridaKbear]

Ask him to help you more then you could be finished the chores by 8pm and sit down together for the evening. If he doesn't help and you do it ALL you're not going to have any time for him are you? He's acting like a child but don't tell him that YET, give him a chance to help you and change the situation before you stick a rocket up his ar**!! You need to S P E L L it out to some people if you need help!!

[MrsMattie]

It sounds like the petty bickering that all tired new parents get embroiled in. Time for a night out, just the two of you, with wine and time to talk?

[Scampmum]

I think it sounds like petty bickering too. It is probably your manner rather than anything else that's isolating him - I had a very similar schedule when I went back to work and was absolutely shattered and I think often treated DH with exasperation just because I wanted everything done and to be sitting on the sofa (ready for bed at 9.45!! - god it's fun, isn't it?). Well done for all you're managing (now I'm on mat leave again I have NO IDEA how I did it), but remember it's not just hard for you, it's hard for DH. It didn't emerge until much later that DH was very worried about me and how much I'd taken on and how ratty it was making me.

He is definitely overreacting by calling you nasty - not remotely justified but perhaps understandable.

[theressomethingaboutmarie]

Thanks for all of your replies. I don't think that my husband is at all worried about me. He was very keen for me to return to work and even said after my first day (we'd been chatting about our day) "Ah, I have my wife back!"

He's quite happy for me to deal with everything and would rather it that way but dammit, I'd better have the energy to soothe his ego or have rampant sex!

Last night whilst I was running around getting DD's daybag ready, sorting out her bottles, doing dinner etc, he kept saying (from the lounge where he was, in fact, lounging!), "Come and sit down". I asked whether that meant that he intended to do the jobs that needed doing and he said, "No, they can wait, we'll get them done somehow".

He used to complain that I didn't give dd her morning feed BEFORE I left to go to work (I leave the house at 6:40am) as it meant that he had to rush around getting things done then (no thoughts on getting up a little earlier or perhaps having a shorter morning gym session).

Grrr!!!!

[MrsMattie]

What do you think he would say, if he were posting here on MN from his perspective? Sorry to come over all 'Relate counsellor' on you, but adjusting to life after the birth of a baby / returning to work is bloody hard on all involved. My relationship with my husband nearly fell apart at about this stage - we were at each other's throats constantly and I truly felt that he had no idea of how I was feeling and no compassion towards me (later on down the line I discovered he felt exactly the same). I really think you need a night out and a proper talk.

[Scampmum]

Ha - that does sound a bit familiar... there was never any recognition of the fact my day had started nearly two hours earlier than his - I was always still doing stuff when he got home and he would just unthinkingly go and sit down! If he asked where his dinner was he got a withering look (on a good day), though...

[arfishy]

It sounds like he was trying to help, and because he doesn't get the big picture completely failed to understand when you told him you didn't need it, that it would be easier to get a new grobag because the nighttime routine is critical.

Your best bet here is to involve him as much as possible. Don't try to be super-mum and do it all yourself - the less your DH does the less he'll think you're doing.

Sit down and have a chat and tell him that you know he wants to help and from now on you'll do 50/50. Even if he doesn't do as much as you, get him to help much more.

My DP has had a radical change in attitude since I told him (in somewhat of a strop) that parenting wasn't entirely down to me, and that who the hell does he think gets up/does the lie down cuddle at bedtime/gets up in the night etc etc when he says he's not doing it?

[SmugColditz]

This too will pass. Try to come to the fairest arrangement you can and ride it through. She won't be a baby forever, I promise. You are both exhausted.

[theressomethingaboutmarie]

dammit MrsMattie - please STOP being so reasonable . You're quite right, we do need to talk about this as we're both becoming rather miserable at times.

The odd thing is that most of the time we are happy but because I ask for help (with caring for OUR daughter), it is "bossing him around". He has told me this before so instead of saying "DH, can you grab a nappy?" which was apparently too bossy, I now say "DH, when you have a moment, can you bring a nappy through, I'd appreciate it". So I modified my behaviour to be more polite and considerate.

Yes, we should certainly have some more time to talk about it but thinking about it now, I don't understand how else I can be EVEN MORE considerate and polite. If asking for his help with caring for DH is unreasonable and bossy - I guess the only thing that I can think of (yes, I'm about to be completely illogical and unreasonable because I'm angry) is to exchange sexual favours to gain his lordships assistance and then, of course, thank him profusely for allowing me to

[theressomethingaboutmarie]

Oh bloody hell - I'm sitting here at my desk crying - I feel so unappreciated and uncared for. I do SO much and get no help, recognition or love in return

[maidamess]

I know how you feel TSAM. Its like all day you are doing stuff for other people and when you get home the last thing you need is to pussy foot around your husband in case you'offend' him.

My dh is sensitive like this too.It drives me nuts. i don't need another child, I need a strong proactive responsible adult male in the house!

I try not to take it personally when I am completely reasonable in my requests and he still gets the hump over 'how' I've asked him, or the fact that I havent reacted as he would like.

[lulumama]

oh honey, it is a horrible feeling

you give your all to your daughter , your job, your husband, your home, and there is nothing left for you

if you can afford a cleaner, get one.

he is being a bit of an arse to start repairing her grobag in the middle of the night...

being parents is wearing. it is exhausting, things are never the same again, your husband does not seem to have cottoned on to that

[MrsMattie]

I'm on your side@thessomething aboutmarie - honestly.
I guess I've just got some distance from that whole phase of my life now and can see things clearly. My marriage nearly ended because we let this petty stuff eat us both up. Only it wasn't actually petty - the bickering and snapping were symptoms of the massive wobble we were each having (in our different ways) over this massive change to our lives. It takes a good while to sort out a daily routine that is bearable for everyone when you first become parents. Things change and it sounds like your husband hasn't adjusted as well as you have to the change and is flailing about feeling a bit useless and angry.

Seriously - I really do think you need a night off and a frank but respectful talk, with ground rules (no shouting, no accusations, no 'You always do this/say that/make me feel like this' to instantly get the hackles up... ). Mybe you even need to 'schedule in' (apologies for horrible Americanism) a weekly chat, where you check in with each other and make sure things fester?

Another thing - you're working hard and rushing around a lot and you only gave birth a few months ago. What's happening at the weekends? is your Dh taking your baby for a few hours and giving you some time off? You should be having a lie in / going to the gym / having a massage / having coffee with a friend every weekend. if you're not getting it, discuss that too. You need time to recharge your batteries, or of course you'll be snappy and over tired.

xx

[bubblagirl]

I totally feel for you we too went through similar situation when ds was tired you both battle for the attention and to be recognised for your efforts but as humans you will put own thoughts first try complimenting one thing a day asking for help more they don't tend to offer as we make a good show of coping nothing wrong with asking. We do as women tend to know best for the children as even if

[MrsMattie]

meant to say 'make sure things don't fester!

[bubblagirl]

There not doing as we would doesn't make it wrong. Make time for each other ask nicely if you do this i can get on with this then we can relax together now we have found our happy medium lack of sleep always causes problems for us though as i feel un appreciated and so does he so try and get him to deal with baby more of a night and don't comment how he is doing something as we all have own style

[bubblagirl]

Using phone sorry comp has packed up can't write all i want to say in one go. Keep your chin up working full time being mum feeling guilty tired run down is perfectly normal reaction to all this things will get better but don't expect someone to know how your feeling or to just know how to help ask and let him do more with baby so you can relax in bath then you may find your more at ease and be

[bubblagirl]

Able to spend nice quality time together your both working hard both feeling same pressure work together talk and understand each others feelings and just try to find a way to keep you close my mum always says if I.m on a what about me moment no i in team work it's true both of us struggle and feel un loved so we had to learn to see this not just our own sadness x

[theressomethingaboutmarie]

Thanks MrsMattie and bubblagirl.

At the weekend, my husband pretty much leaves me with DD whilst he does the garden or whatever else he wants to do. I had a beauty therapist come round a few weekends a go to have a wax and pedi at home (far easier than taking a baby to a salon!) and he complained that he had been left with dd for an hour and a half.

He also complains that I book in his weekends without asking and that leaves him no time to get his business stuff sorted. He made such a complaint on a weekend when I a) took dd to the hairdressers with me and gave him 3 hours to himself on the Saturday and then b) took dd to a friends house on the Sunday between 10am and 2:30pm. We appear to be inconvenient

[lulumama]

it osunds as though he sees DD as 'your' child, not 'our' child

surely weekends are about family time, and also making sure you have some individual time to recharge your batteries?

some men are not good with the baby stage, and will do more when the baby is a toddler and more interesting, but that does not help you now

[SmugColditz]

Unfortunately he's still expecting, now that you are 'back' at work, to go 'back' to his old life. Newsflash ___ HIS OLD LIFE IS OVER.

You are not booking his week ends for him, his daughter has booked his weekends for him, and she did that when she was born.

He is a daddy now. Not a man with a wife who has a child. He has Parent Weekends - catching up with the housework and sleep if he's lucky.