AIBU to want a highflying career as well as being a Mum?

[ManhattanMama]

I've only been back at work for 2 weeks and am already having conflicts between work and homelife which I'm struggling to resolve. I work in investment banking, and before having DS (nearly 7 mths old), I used to work 8am - 6.30pm at a minimum, usually longer. Obviously I've already cut back on my hours, and am generally doing 8.30 to 5.30 which just about leaves me enough to time to dash to daycare to pick DS up before 6.30 (I have to take 2 trains to get there).

The problem I've got is that my job just isn't a predictable 9-5 kind of role - things happen which mean that I may have to start early or work late. I've been asked to take part in a Women in Banking mentoring program which means I'm committed to being at work late every Thursday for the next 6 weeks - I asked DH before agreeing whether he was happy for me to do it and he said yes but (surprise, surprise) - the first time I'm home late and he's in a real strop with me because he had to get all of DS's stuff ready for daycare and do the late night feed by himself. He was literally ignoring me this morning as he was so annoyed, so I had it out with him and he said "Now you're a mum you should be happy to just turn up and do the 9-5 then get home to be with our son, not spending time networking and trying to be the career woman".

AIBU or is this completely out of order? Why can I not have a career AND be a good mum? I've worked my rear end off to get to the position I have at the moment and I don't want to do a half-arsed job now just because I have a baby. Things aren't being helped by the fact that everytime I talk to my Mum she says "DS must be finding it so hard only seeing you for an hour a day" - she gave up work to have kids and thinks I should do the same.

What do you think? AIB selfish to want to keep working even though we can afford for me to stop? Career aside, I don't think I could cope with being home with DS all day - it's much harder than working!

Sorry it's so long...

[RubySlippers]

you are not being unreasonable

so what if your DH had to get your DS's stuff ready for nursery - i am shocked at his childish behaviour.

Both myself and DH work fulltime, plus he is often away and i have to work late/work weekends - i didn't get home until 10.30 pm last night for example

[BeauLocks]

Get a nanny - it will be so much easier on you.

[Janni]

You know yourself well, you know that your career is important to you and that's absolutely fine. What your DS needs is one reliable attachment figure and if it can't be you or your DH then you really should be thinking in terms of a nanny, I would have thought. I'm a SAHM with a snaeaky admiration for girls like you who have the guts and energy to do it all. There's no reason why your DHs career should take precedence over yours but you must work this out now or you will have years of argument ahead of you. Good luck x

[oranges]

his attitude stinks, but it does also sound as if with your hours, a nanny would be much easier.

[oranges]

NOT because of anything about attachment parenting your child will be fine in nursery, but YOU will be exhausted dashing home to pick him up on time.

[Belgianchox]

No NBU, your dh should try to enjoy the one to one time that this will give him with his child. I so could not live with a man who thought it was principally my job to do everything child related. A colleague of mine once told me it's not the quantity of time you spend with your child, but the quality of that time that counts. I think of that often and it helps I find.

[BeauLocks]

Scenario 1 - It's 5.30.

You are thinking "shit shit shit I need to get out of here because nursery closes at 6.30 and I am going to be late"

Scenario 2 - It's 5.30

The nanny finishes at 7, you've got time to finish up what you're doing and saunter home knowing that the nanny will have fed and bathed your baby and will probably be getting him ready for bed when you get home.

It's kind of obvious I think....

[scottishmummy]

if your career is important then of course work!you need to feel happy and fulfilled too. i went back after 6months mat leave always knew i would (had nursery place booked 12wk pg)

so what if granny does not agree, she can express an opinion by all means. Culturally and financially carees and oppurtunities have changed for women

[madamez]

I think a nanny would help you all, but I also think your DH needs to recognise that it's his child too. He may be struggling a bit with the idea that a mother is a human being (not just a woman ie a service mechanisem) even if he didn't seem to be particularly sexist before: are his parents very traditional? Conversely was his mother a WOHM in the days when it was frowned on.
He needs to adjust his attitude, but if he's an otherwise nice bloke, he needs a bit of time to do it in: don;t forget that parenthood is a huge great shock for men as well as women.
Good luck. No reason why you can't have a good career. Well, no good reason.

[AbbeyA]

I don't think that you can have two high flying careers and a child. (one parent has to have the DC as the top priority, coming before work commitments). Unless you can't manage without the money it is far more important to give time to the DC. Someone has to take time off for illness, nativity plays, sports days etc; unless you are going to delegate it all to a full time nanny.

[oranges]

But AbbeyA, the OP has cut back on her hours - she just wants a little support from her partner.

[Trolleydolly71]

Message withdrawn

[RubySlippers]

Abbey - I beg to differ

we balance taking time off between each other for illnesses etc - DH doesn't view it as my SOLE responsibility

[MrsBadger]

but still takes on extra things like the mentoring...

I think AbbeyA may have a point

and a nanny sounds like a much more flexible alternative for your lifestyle

[AbbeyA]

I didn't say that she had to be the one to give up a high flying career-but one of them has to, unless they have a nanny.She has already said that she doesn't have predictable hours so she either has to have support from DP or a nanny.

[Swedes]

It's early days. I'm sure it will take a while to get into a routine. Could you organise someone else to pick up your child from day care (at least on the night you work v late) and take him home, and perhaps pack his things for the next day so that when you and your husband get home you can both relax and be a family. If you love work it seems silly to give it up and if you are comfortably off cash-wise, pay someone to fill in the gaps you and your DH can't easily meet. At least in the short-term.

[AbbeyA]

I didn't day you couldn't have a high flying career and DC, I said that you couldn't have two high flying careers and DC without a full time nanny.

[RubySlippers]

but that doesn't change her DH's attitude does it?

Yes, a nanny may well be a sensible solution for them both, but not if her DH doesn't support her working and continuing to build a career that is important to her

[Icouldbenancy]

Your DH is being an arse, but why did you have a child if neither of you are really interested in spending time with him?

I'm not saying you shouldn't work if you have a child, but really what is the point if you are going to see so little of him?

Doesn't your DS deserve to have either a mummy or daddy around for him at least some of the time?

Maybe this is controversial, but why is it always the parents needs we are considering and not the children. Maybe you should both think about how lucky you are to have a child. When you get to the end of the road, you won't look back and say "I wish I had spent more time at work" you'll be wondering how on earth you could have given up the chance to see all those precious firsts with your darling child.

[cmotdibbler]

YANBU. And we don't have a nanny, even though we both have to travel for our work - we work it out between us. We are fortunate in that we are both homebased now, but we used to commute and had an agreement that one person started/finished early to pick up by 5.30 and the other late (ie dropped DS at 8)as far as possible. And of course we both cook/clean/pack bags.

Give your DH a big Mumsnet slap for being an oik - he'd agreed in advance to this. A friend of mines DP was moaning about her travelling, and she said 'fine. But thats part of this job, so I'll give up and work at Tescos.' He stopped moaning quite so much as doesn't want to be the breadwinner.

I love my job, and was miserable on mat leave as I needed the intellectual challenge, so you aren't alone by any means

[Elffriend]

You're not unreasonable to want it - of course not. you can have both - but it's bloody hard work!

The kinds of conflicts and copromises you're hitting up against (either in work or in home) go with the territory I'm afraid. Some of it IS going to end up being half-arsed! It's like living your life trying to stay the right way up in a washng machine - on spin cycle!

That said,your DHs attitude is certainly not helpful - I take it he has not often had to do the late feed etc. to date?

If you are both working, the you both need to take responsibility at home as well. What does he do? Is the 9-5 thing really what he thinks, or is he panicked about having to do it himself?

It takes a while to iron out the kinks, even with the best plans though - two weeks back is no time at all. However, the two of you do need to thrash through the realities of how you are going to juggle it all - you're in this together.

A Nanny might make your day less frantic, I agree - might be worth considering?

Oh, and 1st law of parenting = Ignore your mum. .

[oranges]

oh fgs. why educate women then, if they are meant to just give it up and stay home whether they want to or not?

[Quattrocento]

Hi - of course you are not being unreasonable - it's possible to have a career type job and have children.

You do need to find childcare that doesn't stress you both like this. We spent literally years doing the end of day stressed up thing and it isn't easy and it isn't always predictable.

You just need to be organised about it all. My strategy was just to make sure I never did the pick up from daycare - I couldn't be relied upon - so I arranged a rota of people to do it and look after DD and then DS until I got home free.

Also I was a master at packing up stuff and taking it with me so I could do it at home after they were in bed.

[AbbeyA]

You can be educated and stay at home! -IMO bringing up a child is far more interesting and exciting than banking.