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AIBU?

My neighbour is upsetting me unnecessarily. Any advice on how to change her mind would be much appreciated.

82 replies

NorwegianBirdhouse · 21/08/2014 11:49

My neighbour has a smoke alarm in her garage which is chirping every 30 sec and has been for a few weeks. I have rarely seen her (been here 2 yrs) but she seemed nice. I mentioned the chirping recently and she just started shouting, telling me to mind my own business, how could I hear it? etc and to report it to the Dept of Environment. I apologised but explained it was very annoying and could she please change the battery or I could get DH to do it but she drove off.

I asked the D of Env about it (not to report it as I don’t want to antagonize her but to see if it was a nuisance noise) but they said it may be hard to prove as a nuisance if it’s not loud.

This has really started to upset me. I am a SAHM and can hear it from the garden and have been avoiding going out with DS. It occupies my thoughts and I have been losing sleep. I get nervous now when I see her or her car at the house. Yes, I’m scared of her and can think of nothing worse than being scared of seeing her long term. I couldn’t cope with a long dispute.

So do I; a) Write her a letter and if so, what do I say? Do I put myself at her mercy telling her how much it’s upsetting me? I don’t want to give her power in case she gets satisfaction from it. Do I mention some of the health problems we have had and how this is not helping. (I hate this idea in case it tempts fate but she may only read one letter).

Or b) Ask the D of Env to write to her and risk making her angry at me.

I haven’t told my DH because I don’t want him to pick up on the noise and get irritated by it but also because I have found fault with our homes before and realised this is unfair on him and I can be over sensitive to things. Instead I am withdrawing from him being a little snappy.

Please tell me the best way to resolve issues with a big scary neighbour. I don’t want her to think she can bully me either.

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MrsWinnibago · 21/08/2014 11:53

You sound a little overly stressed by this. And also like it's affecting you overly...obviously it's annoying but withdrawing from your DH and being snappy? that's not really balanced in light of the issue at hand.

You need to speak to her again...a letter won't do much....knock on her door and tell her to change the battery...tell her firmly and if you are too scared, tell DH to do it.

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FunkyBoldRibena · 21/08/2014 11:58

There is not much you can do. How about going to see her with some batteries and asking if you can replace them as that's all that is wrong?

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DrankSangriaInThePark · 21/08/2014 11:58

This sounds a very minor thing to be so upset about. You mustnt send a letter, that pushes you over into harrassment.
If you are that stressed then you need to ask your dh to go and explain to her.

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IceBeing · 21/08/2014 11:59

Okay I know everyone hates an armchair diagnosis - but when my DD was little I had all the things you are talking about. intense rage at small noises, not wanting to take DD out the house not communicating with DH etc. It was PND.

How old is your DS? Do you think this might be a possibility?

IF your DS is young enough to make it sound plausible I would probably send a note saying that the noise is keeping him awake and affecting his mood. Babies ears are more sensitive to that kind of pitch of noise.

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MrsWinnibago · 21/08/2014 12:03

Ice you put it better than me, but I also think the OP has some issues that she may need help with. OP maybe see the GP and tell them that you're stressing out about minor things...getting them out of proportion. There's a lot of help out there.xxx Flowers

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NorwegianBirdhouse · 21/08/2014 12:04

Thank you all for you replies. I do have anxiety but not PND as far as i know,(DS 2.5Yrs) and I used to get overly upset about barking dogs and had CBT which helped so I am partly thinking I am totally overreacting and the other part thinks, but unlike dogs, this can be stopped. She is just being stubborn.

Drank, would it really be harassment.

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ILovePud · 21/08/2014 12:06

Sorry you're having a hard time with this, her reaction sounds completely OTT, but how exactly did you ask her? It does sound like you are overly focused on this issue, sure the noise sounds annoying but if it's occupying your thoughts, causing you to lose sleep and problems in your relationship then I wonder if it's a symptom of an underlying depression or anxiety disorder. I don't mean this to sound dismissive or blaming of you I'm asking in a very genuine way whether this could be the case and whether some intervention with this could help put this in perspective. Does she live alone or is there anyone else in the household that might be more amenable to another approach? If not I'd be tempted to ask her again, apologising if your first approach came across as rude (you may not have done but means to an end and all that as have to keep on living next to her.) Ultimately there may be nothing you can do to resolve this issue, it sounds like EH feel that this would not be an issue they would intervene over so don't give it more of your attention than it deserves.

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MrsWinnibago · 21/08/2014 12:07

You're not really overreacting by being irritated by the noise but your worry about how to tackle it and that you're "finding fault" with your home again IS irrational.

A letter is often seen as a sort of "sneaky" way to deal with things. I definitey thing your DH should go over....or, just call environmental health about it. Also you could call the local firebrigade and request a check...they come out to look at fire alarms...maybe they'd also knock on your neighbour's door?

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LadySybilLikesCake · 21/08/2014 12:07

Eh? The OP is pissed off at the constant beeping of her neighbour's smoke alarm, so how have you managed to turn this into a diagnosis of PND? Confused

Your neighbour was being a cow to have a go at you. Does she have a more reasonable other half? All she needs to do is change the battery so there was no need for her to be so rude.

Hope you're OK Brew

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Madratlady · 21/08/2014 12:07

If it's been going on that long the batteries will die soon and it'll stop. So even if she doesn't sort it out it will end soon .

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MrsWinnibago · 21/08/2014 12:08

Lady it's just the fact that she says it's occupying her thoughts all the time and that she won't tell her DH.

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SweetsForMySweet · 21/08/2014 12:09

Could you go in and change the battery while she's out?

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Branleuse · 21/08/2014 12:09

go round with batteries and ask if you can change it for her.

Tell her that you dont want to be a pain but that youre really sensitive to the sound.

If she still doesn't do it or gets shirty with you then war is on

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ILovePud · 21/08/2014 12:09

Sorry posts crossed over, yes this could easily be stopped and any considerate neighbour would stop it but ultimately you can't make her act considerately and change the battery so please don't let this set you back.

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LadySybilLikesCake · 21/08/2014 12:10

I'd get pissed off too if all I could hear was a constant beeping. I don't have PND, ds is 15 Grin People can get annoyed with things without a medical reason. OP sounds at the end of her tether with it, which is perfectly understandable.

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ZenNudist · 21/08/2014 12:10

Get your dh to go and talk to her. I know what it's like to have neighbour issues and I wimp out of actually talking to them myself. It can get annoying when it's right on your doorstep and you're at home all the time.

The other reason why I get dh to talk to our neighbours is because he's much more diplomatic than me and can make jokey comments about upsetting issues without any. 'Edge'

That said, I think you are being too anxious about this. Losing sleep, avoiding going in the garden. All sounds a bit like you need to look at how you deal with petty annoyances and everyday conflict. Tbh it sounds like you need more in your life if you are letting something like this get to you. How old is your dc? Any chance that you could do something as well as sahm ? Even taking up a hobby or a voluntary role of any sort? Perhaps get some time off from being a mum?

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CatsCantTwerk · 21/08/2014 12:14

Surely it can not be that noticeable if your dh has not noticed it?

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WhereforeArtThou · 21/08/2014 12:16

I would find it incredibly annoying too and I don't have any issues. I second suggesting you ask your DH to go around with some batteries. However, I might leave it a few more days because the NDN might sort it out herself.

Good luck. I hope it sorts itself out soon.

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LadySybilLikesCake · 21/08/2014 12:21

Some people are better at blocking out noises that others, especially if they are quite faint, or maybe the DH can't hear it?

I think you're a bit sensitive to noise, NorweiganBirdHouse. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong or this needs treating. Hearing the same sound over and over again and constantly is enough to drive anyone up the wall, and it does start to take over after a while as you can feel yourself getting more and more annoyed. I'd have a word with her other half, something jokey like 'I have a spare battery that will fit your smoke alarm' Wink They sound very inconsiderate though TBH.

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NorwegianBirdhouse · 21/08/2014 12:23

thank you all again for your comments. I agree Zen that part time work might help but may have to wait a year or so till DS in nursery. I accept I do overreact and I know I think way too much about this. I think that is why I wanted to post this to see if there is anything I can do, or just let it go.

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WooWooOwl · 21/08/2014 12:23

If you can only hear it when you're in the garden and your DH hasn't noticed it at all despite it going on for weeks, then it does sound like you are overreacting if you are so stressed over it that you're losing sleep, getting nervous every time you see this woman and thinking that she wants to bully you.

Being unable to put things into perspective is a symptom of depression, and if you are overreacting about these things, then it's possible that you are perceiving this woman's reaction when you spoke to her to be worse than it really was.

Go out into your garden with your DH, and ask him if he can hear the noise. If he can, get him to speak to the neighbour.

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wifeandstepmum · 21/08/2014 12:24

We had and old carbon monoxide alarm bleeping in the house recently drove me bonkers trying to find it - I nearly tore the house to shreads (turned out it was wedged under the new boiler we had installed). I do get your annoyance. It didn't stop me sleeping tho and I think I was only grumpy with the cats and myself. Think you need to talk to your dh and adk him to talk with her. I'd not go to the authorities over something like this as I think it could escalate the issues unnecessarily and make things harder in the future. Sorry your neighbour is being difficult, hope it gets resolved soon. X

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NorwegianBirdhouse · 21/08/2014 12:26

Yes Cats and LadySybil. It is my faulty mindset. Once I know it's there, it is very very hard to zone it out.

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MrsCosmopilite · 21/08/2014 12:28

I'd be annoyed if I could hear an alarm going off all the time, regardless of how loud it was.
Plus, her reaction is a bit OTT.
However, you being so scared of her is also rather OTT.

Give it a few days then either go round yourself or get your DP to go round with some new batteries - you could just say you picked them up whilst on offer and knew that she'd need some for the alarm.


FWIW, I was really annoyed a few days ago when MY fire alarm went off twice (for around 40 seconds a go) with an ear-splitting beep. I was grilling something and the smoke wafted. Had to open the door and stand on a chair flapping a tea towel about.

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LadySybilLikesCake · 21/08/2014 12:31

You must be exhausted Sad

I was kept awake most of the night last week because of a high pitched constant alarm coming from outside. It wasn't loud, but I have very good hearing so I could hear it. I tried to find a pair of ear plugs at 3am but couldn't so spent the night with my arm over my ear (which blocked it out but wasn't the greatest way to sleep). Could you try sleeping with some ear plugs in? If you've had a good night's sleep you're more able to tackle the day, I find Smile

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