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AIBU?

MILS said baby2 shouldnt be bought its own things.

51 replies

DragonFlyx · 21/08/2014 11:23

I'm quite upset over this remark. But MIL has said our expectant baby shouldn't be bought toys/clothes because it's the second born, apparently second borns aren't as special as the first and should have it's big siblings hand downs, even if it's a boy it should have my daughter's things and its rediculous to buy them anything.

It came when I said not to buy dd anything too big or go over the top with toys because of room and we have another on the way, and every year if there is something I really want to get dd from myself and oh as a special present, she runs out to buy it first. It's quite upsetting and I'm not sure why she's like it.

This year she wants to buy dd really big things like a swing, trampoline, her first bike and what I want to buy her. The house and garden are far too small for swings etx and she knows this.

Am I wrong for being upset over how she is or the comment about baby2? Not sure how to handle it.

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ouryve · 21/08/2014 11:27

MIL can fuck the fuck off.

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DragonFlyx · 21/08/2014 11:30

Haha! When spoken with OH about it he just says that's how she is, half the time he doesn't see why I'm upset, but he is such a mummies boy.. she tries to stop him growing up, she even buys her son fathers day pressents from herself, it's really strange. Even that upsets me a little!

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ikeaismylocal · 21/08/2014 11:30

I agree with her about the baby stuff, why would you buy new clothes or toys when you still have the ones left over from an older sibling. New clothes don't make a baby special or show how much you love a baby.

If I had 2 children of different genders I might buy a nice party dress or little shirt but that would be it, they would have the same vests/babygrows/outfits and toys.

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dollius · 21/08/2014 11:30

…to the far side of fuck and when she gets there, she can fuck off some more

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dollius · 21/08/2014 11:32

Sorry, just really fancied saying that!

I do agree about reusing baby vests etc, but ridiculous to have big swings/trampolines etc if you don't have room.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/08/2014 11:32

She sounds rather ridiculous and I think you should tell her as much. As regards the competitive gift-giving, I would ask for the receipt each time and simply return it for something more suitable or that can be shared by both children.

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FunkyBoldRibena · 21/08/2014 11:33

Don't tell her you are going to be anything, just tell her you are going to buy her x and y and make sure the x and y is stuff that you want her that you can't afford.

Oh we haven't got space for too much equipment, I am hoping to get her z this year'. Then wait for her to rush and get that and you get her what you want.

Or if she goes ahead and gets her what you are intending to get her, say 'oh dear, we've already ordered the one she wants, you will have to return yours.'

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Crinkle77 · 21/08/2014 11:33

While it does make sense to reuse some things but I can understand why you would want to have some new stuff for the baby. Just ignore her. Don't tell the MIL if there is something you want to buy as a special present then she can't go and get it herself. If she wants to get a swing or something big could she have it at her house so your daughter can play o it there when she goes to visit?

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3littlefrogs · 21/08/2014 11:34

Ignore her.
She is bonkers.
It isn't any of her business.

Just look at her with a puzzled expression and say:
"Do you really think that? How odd."

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TinyTear · 21/08/2014 11:36

Speaking for all the second children everywhere, she can fuck to the far side of fuck!

If I am fortunate enough to have a second child, they will have new things and will not just have the same a s the eldest... also they will be entitled to the same things the eldest was (for example presents until 16 from some relatives, not stopping the eldest at 16 and the youngest at 12 because - you are all old enough not to get them)

Ahem... i guess i am a bit traumatised...

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manchestermummy · 21/08/2014 11:37

You handle it by ignoring it. MIL also likes to buy the big stuff for our dc but it always backfires (a too-small big with stabilisers for our dc who has been able ride without them for two years being the best example to date. Dc was mortified.MIL is learning)

You want to get new stuff? Get new stuff. If my MIL had 'her way' the following would apply:

I would be a SAHM and the lack of money would be no problem at all because children only need love.

We would live next door to her. Doesn't matter the house is far too small.

Our dc would eat crap all day. Sweets with "added fruit juice" would add to our five a day

The dc would't learn to swim as water is scary.

DH would't work as hard as he does because "he's a dad now and surely shouldn't ever work beyond 5"

To recap: ignore Smile

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DragonFlyx · 21/08/2014 11:38

Oh dont get me wrong, iv dug out all the unisex grows, vests and clothes, and iv kept all of my daughter's baby toys, the arguement was, what if it's a boy or they have different tastes in things and would like something dd doesn't have? Thats when I was called rediculous for buying them more toys or clothes, sorry but if it's a boy and he wants something boy related, I'll buy it him for birthday/christmas, if he's a girl who likes different things... Same thing applies. I don't agree with spoiling but I believe they should have things they do enjoy just like dd has.

I just don't agree with the whole first borns are specials and second borns aren't so they can Just have everything handed down.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/08/2014 11:40

Your mistake is that you're engaging in conversation. :) Everyone has an opinion about children. If you know you're not going to like their opinion, change the subject

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MaryWestmacott · 21/08/2014 11:43

does she have more than one DC? Is DH the first born?

If she does have more than one, and DH is the eldest, I'd loudly say next time she says something about second borns not getting stuff "so do you not think [BIL/SIL name] is as special as [DH] then? I hope I treat all my children equally."

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RiverTam · 21/08/2014 11:44

I think I would have just burst out laughing and said 'you what???'

I really wouldn't get upset about her comments, just ignore them.

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DragonFlyx · 21/08/2014 11:48

I did say that regardless of her decision I'm the youngest of 4 and iv always had my own things due to my interests but I did find my eldest siblings old toys even more fun... She said she never once had a new set of clothes of toys being the youngest of 6, but that isn't my problem. OH is an only child.

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sezamcgregor · 21/08/2014 11:49

"Oh MIL, so very kind of you to buy DD a swing, unfortunately, we do not have room in the garden and so we sold it and bought ... instead - or put the money in the bank for DD as she really has too many things already"

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ouryve · 21/08/2014 11:50

I have boys just over 2 years apart, btw, and DS2 wears a mixture of handmedowns (what DS1 hasn't trashed) and stuff bought especially for him because it suits his personality. Today he's wearing joggers that were DS1's and a sweatshirt that DS1 wouldn't have been seen dead in.

It was much the same when they were babies. It's what most people do.

And all children are just as special as each other.

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sezamcgregor · 21/08/2014 11:50

Re the "no new things for new baby" - she's clearly wrong and just saying things to wind you up. When confronted, she'll tell you that you got hold of the wrong end of the stick - ignore, enjoy your new baby and buy what ever you like for him/her!

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RedToothBrush · 21/08/2014 11:50

What does this have to do with her?

End of conversation.

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ITrulyMoustache · 21/08/2014 11:51

YANBU. Although I ended up with different genders, we planned to reuse everything we could but DS took to different sorts of baby toys than DD (not gender specific, more DD liked things that stacked and could be pulled apart and DS likes balls and toys that moved on their own). What would have been the point in forcing him to play with DDs toys just because he 'wasn't as special as DD' (which in itself is completely laughable).

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DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 21/08/2014 11:51

Was DH an only child? Maybe she worries unnecessarily that with a newborn your DD will get pushed out or sidelined.

Laugh it off, don't pay her any notice if she come out with stuff like that.

Re: the buying of big gifts or beating you to it when it comes to purchasing a special present, sounds like she spends emotionally. Is she trying to outdo your parents or does she have an unhappy home situation with FIL or is she widowed and trying to participate?

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TinklyLittleLaugh · 21/08/2014 11:51

I have four kids and, to be honest, lots of toys have always been pretty communal in our house. No one has ever said "Oh that's mine, you can't play with it". Lots of stuff, playmobile, Lego etc is stored in big tubs anyway; no one would have a clue whose is whose. Bikes have always been handed down too.

My kids have never objected to wearing hand me downs, as long as they are in decent nick, but they've always had some of their own stuff new. At 15 and 18 my DDs are constantly in each orther's clothes; to the extent that I struggle to sort out the clean washing.

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DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 21/08/2014 11:52

Sorry just saw DH was an only child, that explains some of her thinking.

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Doingakatereddy · 21/08/2014 11:54

We hardly bought DD (2nd child) a thing, she wore blue sleepsuits, had blue toys, sleep bags etc etc. I got fed up after 9 months & started to buy her some pink stuff.

Only yesterday, DH & I both spoke about how she needed her own toys that DS couldn't lay claim to and were things she liked e.g Upsy daisy.

Your MIL is taking a frugal attitude into favouritism. Beware!

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