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AIBU?

To think they should have come to the funeral?

99 replies

WelshMaenad · 20/08/2014 22:19

Could write a novel with backstory, will try to be brief!

Have been with DH 9 years, married 5, two DC.
Lot of history with IL's being spectacularly self involved.
My mum died in April.
IL's live several hours away, visit 3x per year, no room here so generally they book a cheap motel. They are very financially comfortable, this is no hardship.
IL's Skype with us - generally DH and DCs and I'm just in the background - weekly on a Friday.

IL's did not attend my mums funeral. The more I stew on this, the more angry I feel. My sister's inlaws and GPILs all attended, and many people asked me where DH's family was, which was embarrassing. I feel that the gesture of attendance would have been appropriate for a co-grandparent, someone they had known almost a decade, who had welcomed them into her home, treated their son as her own. They sent me a sympathy card and have never mentioned her or her death since. My DCs were devastated by her death yet they never mention her to them.

My dad did not want the DC at the crem (they attended the church service) so DH took them for a lovely little gesture of remembrance in throwing flowers into the sea before meeting me at the wake. It meant that I was without his support at the crem which was really hard, and had they bothered to come they could have given us support in taking the DCs meaning I could have DH with me.

I don't know if my history of feeling let down by them is counting the situation, coupled with grief and depression, or if they were actually U not to attend and not even allude as to why.

OP posts:

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OwlinaTree · 20/08/2014 22:23

I'm sorry for your loss. Did your dh speak to them about coming to the funeral?

TheOldestCat · 20/08/2014 22:27

Sorry for the loss of your mum.

YANBU. I hate the word 'should'. BUT, this is one of those times when family should step up. My parents are tricky but when DH's mum died, they came to the funeral and looked after our DC while we were at the crematorium. I'm so glad they did - it meant I could support DH (which I'm sure your DH wanted to do for you) and so I could be there, as I loved my MIL. It's sad your ILs didn't help out so your DH could have some support (and so could you).

They don't sound like nice supportive people - they clearly put their own feelings ahead of yours. So where do you want to go from here? Do you want to talk to them about it? What does DH say?

WelshMaenad · 20/08/2014 22:27

He rang them when we set a date. They said "oh, ok". Then just never mentioned it again. Didn't even give reasons for not coming or allude to it ever again, not even asking how it went or if we were ok.

OP posts:

Smartiepants79 · 20/08/2014 22:29

Firstly, I'm sorry for the loss of your Mum.
Did you specifically ask them to come and look after the children? Did they know it was important to you?
How much did they see your mum? Where they friends?
To be honest I wouldn't particularly expect my in laws who live 3hrs away and also have to stay in hotels when they come to come to my parents funeral. They are not close with my parents, they get on fine but are very different people. They would come if I asked and especially if I needed their help.
Death makes many people very awkward. People just don't know what to say. Particularly discussing it with children I find. I would suspect they are struggling to know what to say to you so avoid the subject. They may be worrying about upsetting you.

LadyLuck10 · 20/08/2014 22:30

Yanbu how very hurtful of them. I would definitely say that it needs to be discussed with them because if anything you need a reason to be able to put this behind you.
This was probably the most difficult time for you and if people aren't there for you at your worst why should you have them in your life for the good times.

WelshMaenad · 20/08/2014 22:30

I hate the word should too, Cat, it sounds very dictatorial, but I just feel it would have been the human way to behave in this situation.

OP posts:

CrapBag · 20/08/2014 22:31

Sorry for your loss.

I think your statement of them being spectacularly self involved explains it.

Has anyone asked them why they did not attend?

Sadly I am guessing that they didn't see her as family and didn't feel the need to make the journey for it. They probably gave no thought to the fact that you may need help with the children.

TheOldestCat · 20/08/2014 22:31

Well, I suppose that is just typical of them if they have a long history of being self involved. Horrible for you.

Do you feel able to talk to them about it? Do you even want to?

And chat about your mum if you'd like to. I really miss my MIL! (I know this is not even nearly the same.)

aprilanne · 20/08/2014 22:31

i am sorry for your loss .i have the exact opposite problem my inlaws never sent a card never mentioned my mums death but turned up at the funeral to my disgust .god my mother hated them .just to let public think they cared .maybe they just never thought you wanted them there . some people actually wait on an invite .i agree they could have even offered to watch the children for you .don,t let it get to you believe me it just makes you angrier and irrantional in your time of grief . you had the most important people with you .just forget about them

fredfredgeorgejnr · 20/08/2014 22:35

I'm sorry for your loss, and to say this, but unless your DH asked them to, to help with the DC, then I really don't think it's at all unreasonable for your IL's not to attend. I would actually go further and in the circumstances described above I wouldn't expect them to.

So unless you or your DH specifically asked them to attend, YABU to be upset with them for not.

iliketea · 20/08/2014 22:37

As pp have said, there is no "should" or "should not" with some people. Did you ask them to come and look after your dc so you could have support from your DH?

It may be that this is your grief outlet iyswim - you have issues with your PIL, which are causing increased sadness because they are mixed with your grief of losing your dmum.

I'm not sure my parents or IL would attend the others funeral, but both would gladly help out to look after DC to make life easier for me and DH. They would most likely offer help before being asked, but all families are different.

Sorry for your loss

ZenNudist · 20/08/2014 22:40

I think you're right, they should have come. I think you might have needed to spell it out more, invite them, say "I'd appreciate it if you could attend (& look after dc)", think it was your dh's job to do this.

It's not worth stewing over. Just carry on with the limited contact you have with them. Some people are just crap.

NCISaddict · 20/08/2014 22:43

My inlaws attended both my parents funerals, well only my FIL did my Dad's as MIL was dying herself. I'm not sure I expected them to though nor would I have been particularly upset if they hadn't. My children came to both the service and the committal though so no childcare needed.

My sister didn't come to my MIL's funeral(both my parents were dead by then) although she did send a card. She did wonder if she ought to, representing my parents in a way, but I said no.

magimedi · 20/08/2014 22:43

So very sorry for your loss

YANBU - they should have been there, of course they should. They are family & when your children marry (I am a MIL) you take on their partner's family as well.

Soon after DS & DIL got engaged DH's mother dies. DIL's family sent a card, rang & asked what they could do to help. We had only met them once at that stage but their gesture was greatly appreciated.

Marriage extends & grows families, IMHO.

Hassled · 20/08/2014 22:47

I'm really sorry for your loss. And yes, they should have come.

People are weird about funerals - there's sometimes this weird etiquette thing where they feel the need to be formally invited or be a direct relative or a close personal friend or whatever. To me, you just show up to pay your respects to anyone you cared about - but that's by no means everyone's view.

I mean this with kindness, but is it possible this anger is a deflection of your grief? Sometimes people replace one source of unhappiness with another, easier to deal with, source of unhappiness, IYSWIM. Hope you're OK - you'll find a lot of support on the Bereavement threads (there's at least one with people who have lost parents).

AbbieHoffmansAfro · 20/08/2014 22:49

I think what they should have done is ask you and DH whether you wanted any help or support from them. It's not attending the funeral specifically I think is poor but not mentioning it and not offering to help. Losing a parent is just a massive, fundamental thing. You shouldn't have to flag up needing some help, it's obvious.

So they've been pretty uncaring. Never talking about it or her is less than impressive too. But. But, but.

Let it go. Let them go. They're wankers. I don't mean NC, I just mean let them diminish in your mind until they are just two little dark smudges. Allow yourself not to care about them and their selfishness any more.

WelshMaenad · 20/08/2014 22:50

DH is spectacularly bad at asking them for anything, and I was in such a state, it didn't even occur to me that we needed to ask them to attend - to be honest if they weren't going to attend of their own volition I'd never in a million years have asked them to, it would have felt a bit demeaning, like having to beg for support.

Thanks for all your views and not being vipery in disagreement, I appreciate all your opinions.

I don't think raising it would achieve anything , it never has in the past when I've challenged their self involvement, they just seem faintly baffled and infer that I'm being unreasonable, so I agree I just need to get on with it - it isn't like I have masses of contact with them.

OP posts:

mommy2ash · 20/08/2014 22:50

I think it depends on the family but I've never been to a funeral when in laws have attended. when my dads parents died my mum's parents didn't attend

PortofinoRevisited · 20/08/2014 22:56

Sorry but unless they had a close relationship I would not have expected them to attend either. I think you are upset about your mum and reading much more into this than you should. I have lost my mum too and I know you must be so sad.

QOD · 20/08/2014 22:56

Both my inlaws have now died and my parents didn't come to either. Never expected them to!
Mum sent flowers but that was it, I honestly don't think it's normal practice
They did however take an interest if that makes sense

LosingAllTheLego · 20/08/2014 22:58

Hmmm my brother died in very difficult and tragic circumstances a few months ago and none of my in-laws came to the funeral, but then again I was really taken aback when MIL apologised for not being able to get time off work as I'd never have expected them to be there.

But they were amazingly supportive throughout all the shit I had to deal with, which was more important.

SauvignonBlanche · 20/08/2014 23:03

I didn't expect my PIL to come to DM's funeral. I was surprised and really grateful when they did. They were a great support for my DCs.

cricketpitch · 20/08/2014 23:05

My inlaws didn't come to my Mum's funeral. Didn't expect them to - and they live some distance away. I was happier that they didn't - ewer people to cater for or deal with when I was in bits myself. I love them and they are good to me but it would have been unnecessary.

ChillySundays · 20/08/2014 23:08

Sorry fpr your loss.
Not sure what my parents would have done if we hadn't used them for childcare both times.
Although DP (now DH) and I had been together about 8 years or so think they had only met each other a couple of times.

hippo123 · 20/08/2014 23:10

Sorry for your loss but no I wouldn't expect them to attend. Perhaps if they lived really near by, or had a very close relationship, but it doesn't sound like that's the case here. It's rude not to mention your mum to you after though, but some people just don't know what to say.

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