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AIBU?

to think this friendship is strange?!

20 replies

ItsANameChanger · 20/08/2014 17:14

I am a gay female and my Gf is 32.

We have been together for 3 years and recently moved in together, have a great relationship etc.

She is very good friends with an older man, a lot older. He is 59 and lives alone, no family.

She met him 10 years ago when working in his local pub, she had just broke up with someone and he asked if she wanted a drink, he sat and chatted with her for a few hours then took her in a taxi to her gf's to make up. He is a very kind man, never made a move on her just seems genuinely nice.

There's one thing that I think is a little strange though.

He knew we wanted a kitchen item for our new place, he bought it one day out of the blue and sent it to our house....it was kinda expensive, about £70 for these things.

Recently my GF has been saying to me how much she wants a coffee machine because she loves my mums. Well this friend came to our house on the weekend as he was installing a PC that he had given to us as a freebie as he had upgraded..

Well in his bag was a brand new coffee machine for us!

He doesn't have any family and never married.

Another instance is my GF met him on HIS birthday to give him gifts and have several beers, well HE had bought HER an XBox game. Said birthday is about being happy, and giving gifts makes me happy.

Weird or just Mr Nice Guy?

OP posts:
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KingJoffreysBloodshotEye · 20/08/2014 17:17

Mr Nice Guy.

Lonely. Has money to spend. Loves his friend.

:)

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SignYourName · 20/08/2014 17:18

Maybe he sees her as the daughter he never had?

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strawberrydreamcake · 20/08/2014 17:20

Somewhere between the two.

I know someone a bit like this and, lovely as she is, it's a bit worrying as she tries to buy friendships and relationships which just doesn't work.

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phantomnamechanger · 20/08/2014 17:20

maybe he feels she is the daughter he never had?
if in 10 years he has never tried anything on I don't think there is anything sinister

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sleepyhead · 20/08/2014 17:21

If no other evidence to the contrary, nice guy.

I'd like to treat friends like that if I had the money.

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wowfudge · 20/08/2014 17:21

I think you GF needs to be careful that she doesn't take advantage of his generosity.

Perhaps he is just lonely and wants to spoil someone, perhaps he is holding a torch for your GF.

If you and your GF are uncomfortable about the gifts then you need to find a nice way to say how grateful you are to him for being so thoughtful, but that you don't want him to be spending money he could be spending on himself and his home on you. How about the pair of you taking him out for dinner as a thank you? Then it won't feel so one-sided. Make sure you speak to the restaurant staff first and that they know you are going to be picking up the bill! Just in case he tries to pay....

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Pipbin · 20/08/2014 17:22

A good point Sign.

I think he is just being a nice guy. What do you feel?

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Thumbwitch · 20/08/2014 17:23

I think he may look on her as a surrogate daughter, if he has no other family, and just likes to give her things that will make her happy. I don't think it's particularly creepy but I do agree that she needs to be careful what she says to him, so it doesn't look like she's fishing for gifts.

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ItsANameChanger · 20/08/2014 17:26

Yeah me too, there is definitely nothing sinister going on, for a start she is gay!

I liked him from the start, he has always made more than an effort to make me feel comfortable when I was first introduced to her friends.

I just feel that he does spend too much money on us, but then it was only when we moved into the house, he doesn't do it all the time.

He always wanted children so maybe thats what it is. He doesn't really spend on anyone else at all

OP posts:
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phonebox · 20/08/2014 17:32

I think that sounds lovely of him.

How does he react when you say all the usual things, such as "you shouldn't have" "you're so generous" etc.?

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wombat22 · 20/08/2014 17:32

He knows that she doesn't fancy him so nice guy and good friend imo. Smile

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farewellfigure · 20/08/2014 17:32

We used to know a lovely older couple who lived down the road from us. They were childless. When our DS was born they gave him £100. We were absolutely gobsmacked and very very grateful. I think it sounds the same. Your friend just sounds like a really kind gentleman who has a bit of money and is happy to make other people happy. I'd say just be pleased that you have such a lovely friend.

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susiedaisy · 20/08/2014 17:34

I think he's lonely has no one to spend his money on and can enjoy your gf company with no complications as she's gay so there's no raised eyebrows at the age gap etc etc.

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Pipbin · 20/08/2014 17:46

Have no other family really other than DH. I can see myself doing this if I had the money.

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oldgrandmama · 20/08/2014 17:51

He sounds really nice. And not as though he has designs on your partner! Enjoy his friendship - but maybe be careful about mentioning things you want for the house if the gifts are making you uneasy ... though on the other hand, sounds like he gets a real kick out of being generous. I can't see any harm in it, really, so long as he can afford them.

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diddl · 20/08/2014 17:51

He sounds very kind.

Perhaps best not to tell him what's needed if you don't want hom to keep buying, though!

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Bluetonic123 · 20/08/2014 17:56

I think it's really sad that kindness and generosity are now viewed as suspicious.

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Gruntfuttock · 20/08/2014 18:02

I agree Bluetonic, it is sad. To ask if the man and his behavior are 'strange' and 'weird' when he has been nothing but kind, thoughtful and generous is just awful. What would you do if some MNetters said he is strange and weird? Stop having anything to do with him? End this 'weird' friendship? Such a nasty suspicious attitude. Sad

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Thumbwitch · 20/08/2014 18:09

I guess that you're just feeling a touch uncomfortable about having him spend so much money on you both, OP? Which isn't in itself a problem, I'd probably have discomfort with it too. My Nan used to give me £5 every time I went round to see her, even after I was working - so I said to her one day "I really don't need this, it's very kind of you etc etc but you don't have to give me money". She said much the same as your GF's man said - it made her happy to give me the money, it was something she wanted to do, so I should take it so that she could feel happy. It wasn't done in an emotionally blackmailing way, even though the way I've written it makes it look a bit like that! - but it did make me stop and think "it's not all about me and my feelings" and after that I accepted her fivers with gratitude and grace.

If you're worried that he's trying to buy his way into your life, then I think it's too late for that - he's been in it for some time! - so really, just accept with gratitude and grace and maybe have him over for dinner sometimes (if you don't already do that).

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florascotia · 20/08/2014 18:31

Agree with other posters. Is there anything non-complicating - day out all together at a very neutral sort of event, for example, with a lovely picnic from you both - that would make him feel good in return? And not compromise anything?

And - long time ahead - what's he going to be doing either this Christmas or New Year? (Not both - you need time away from him together). Just a thought - perhaps he really is very lonely. And perhaps, if he's been a loner all his life, he doesn't really 'get' the normal rules. So, if you feel able, it might be nice for to you to try and help him a bit, while keeping the appropriate distance. MUCH easier said than done, of course....

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