To cancel everything? I'm fed up.

[MsBrunette]

I'll keep this as brief as I can!

It's DS2's birthday this weekend and I planned a party, paid for everything and catered for everyone.

My parents offered their house as a venue as my house is small which I accepted.

We have a very horrible history but we remain civil for the sake of my DC's.

They ruined his first Christmas, ruined my birthday and I ended up living in a hostel as they were abusive.

My EX left me when I was PG with DS2. We have a brilliant relationship and are growing closer, our DS's love things how they are and love the fact that we are getting closer again. My parents know that we have a close relationship.

My parents believed that he wouldn't be invited and now they are kicking off saying that they don't want him there and they can't forgive him (he has never done anything to them) for what he did to me. I've told them that it is about DS and no one else but they are not having any of it.

I have built bridges with them and what they have done in the past, me and my EX value our closeness and I would avoid anything that may jeopardise that.

So another milestone of my child's life that will cause conflict and end up a negative memory rather than a positive one and rather allow that to happen I am thinking of cancelling everything and taking the DS's out for the day with their Dad instead.

I will listen to all your opinions and thank you for taking the time to read this.

[TwinkleDust]

Move the venue to yours: 'due to unexpected change of plan party will now be at'. You and your guests will cope with small; better comfy than cold.

[ICanSeeTheSun]

Can you phone a community centre or hire a hall.

[Iconfuseus]

Providing that your ex has not been abusive to you or your children, they are very unreasonable.

Of course your ExP should be there, he is the father of the children and should be at their party and a major part in their lives.

Can you move the party to your house?

[londonrach]

Just move the party to your house.

[browneyedgirl86]

Change the venue!

You are absolutely right when you say the party/day is not about your Ex. It's about your son. If your parents cannot be civil then they should not come.

[WooWooOwl]

I agree, change the venue.

Like you, I have a good relationship with my ex. It took both of our families ages to accept it! and I still don't think they really understand. If your parents don't want someone that they feel hurt their child in their house, then that's their prerogative and you have to respect that. Just as they have to respect your right to conduct your relationships however you wish.

[halfwildlingwoman]

Change the venue. Either to yours, your DC and friends won't mind, or a village hall - ours is £20 for 3 hours or something.
Your DC need you to have that good relationship with their father.

[firesidechat]

I understand everything that you've written in your post and sympathise with the situation. However I would say that most parents of grown up children would struggle with having to be both hospitable and civil to someone who had hurt one of those children in any way.

You say that he hasn't done anything to them, but imply that he did do something to you. Obviously I don't know the circumstances, but I do have a smidgen of sympathy for your parents too.

[HannerHet]

Change the venue!

[MsBrunette]

I can't change the venue to my house as I haven't got any facilities to cater for anyone as I have recently moved and there are no halls available around here.

I'm going to have to cancel aren't I?

Fireside; I would rather go through what my EX put me through everyday for the rest of my life than go through what my parents did but I am a forgiving person and I cannot hold a grudge for anyone.

[MsBrunette]

They have told me that it's always all about me.

It's about my children, always will be.

[firesidechat]

I can see that the relationship with your parents is more difficult than the one I hope I have with my children, so it was unfair of me to think that I know how your parents are feeling.

[redexpat]

Could your ex host? Could you have a oicnic in a park?

[ILovePud]

What a horrible situation to be put in. I'm wondering what it means when they say they can't forgive him and don't want him there, does it mean they'll be frosty with you both if he comes or are they saying he cannot come even if this means you cancel the party. If it's the former then I'm wondering (as it sound like quite a big party) whether you can surround yourself with some close friends who are briefed on the situation and can act as a bit of a buffer between you, your ex and your parents? Given the history you allude to I wonder whether it actually is in your DC's best interests to remain civil with them but only you know what form the abuse they subjected you too took. If you think it is in your DC's best interests to have a close relationship with your parents then I'd avoid accepting any of their 'offers of help' giving them any power to pull this crap in the future. Being a forgiving person is great and it sounds like it's helped you to have a good relationship with your ex to the benefit of your DC but being forgiving doesn't mean you have to erase the knowledge of how people have treated you, the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour so protect yourself and your DC. I hope whatever you decide that your son has a lovely birthday and that you and his dad can enjoy it too.