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AIBU?

To not want to give away half my money?

520 replies

givemeareason · 17/08/2014 21:09

Me and my DP are about to buy a house together, the first time for both of us.

We are getting a mortgage, but I also have a hefty deposit to put down of 200k. This was not an inheritance, but money I earned and saved over the years - I'm mid thirties so have had a long time to save.

We have a DD together, and we are both committed to our relationship and family.

I am just not so keen to put the deposit down and then effectively have given away half of it if the worst happens and we do split.

DP thinks if I keep the deposit as 'mine' then we would be unequal partners in the relationship and he would be disadvantaged due to owning less of the house, if the house prices rose he would have less equity overall.

AIBU to want to keep my deposit as my own? I probably am.

OP posts:

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StatisticallyChallenged · 17/08/2014 21:12

I'm presuming he is DP rather than DH in which case no, definitely not BU. It sounds like he's mentally accounted for himself as having £100k equity straight away to me.

BumpNGrind · 17/08/2014 21:12

That's an incredible amount to have saved, you could have bought my house outright with that! How much deposit (if any) does your DP have?

RumNoRaisins · 17/08/2014 21:13

How long have you been together and are you married? If not married I would keep the deposit separate definitely. I contributed a larger deposit but we own our house 50:50, are married and DH is now the higher earner. I would be questioning why he wanted an equal share if he wasn't contributing equally.

BravePotato · 17/08/2014 21:14

Don't do it.

Think twice. Trust your instincts.

Spurtle · 17/08/2014 21:14

Maybe you could agree that when you come to sell the house or if you were to split up, you get £200k back, he tea whatever he has for a deposit back, and the rest is split equally? It doesn't take interest into account, but seems reasonably straightforward?

Humanhahoo · 17/08/2014 21:14

It is a difficult one. How much does DP have to contribute?

givemeareason · 17/08/2014 21:14

I know, I can't believe I've accumulated so much. Ive had to do a lot of overtime to get it and no social life whatsoever.

DP doesn't have any deposit at all.

OP posts:

Preciousbane · 17/08/2014 21:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FiftyShadesOfGreen4205 · 17/08/2014 21:15

Your solicitor can get a deed of trust drawn up to keep your shares of the deposit defined. However it's a grey area if you're married.

RumNoRaisins · 17/08/2014 21:15

Definitely not if he has no deposit! The cheek!

carlywurly · 17/08/2014 21:16

My friend did this and 10 years on, it's the biggest regret she has. Things are rocky in her marriage and the money she'd worked so hard to save is tied up in business interests and a huge mortgage.

Please take legal advice before going any further. If things go pear shaped you need to be in the strongest position you can. And I really hope they don't!

BravePotato · 17/08/2014 21:16

Maybe do it but put the house in your name?

What exactly is the set up, you pay 200k and he pays 200k mortgage? Is that it?

It could work, just get it all on paper and through a solicitor.

Humanhahoo · 17/08/2014 21:16

Ah I see. If you are uncomfortable with the situation then you mustn't go ahead. I would see a solicitor to work out a way of identifying this in case of a split although if you got married I am not sure this would still be valid.

financialwizard · 17/08/2014 21:17

I'd be considering tenants in common if I were you.

DoItTooJulia · 17/08/2014 21:17

My friends were in this position. Te deal was the deposit remained hers until they were married. Once they were married it became theirs.

They had every intention of getting married. She wasn't coercing him with money!

They've since moved a couple of times and have lost some equity but have a beautiful (and big) home that none in our age range could afford because of the equity. Over the years he has paid more into the mortgage because of maternity leave and stuff, so they feel it's all evened out in the end!

Could that work for you? Or the other option was portion a specific amount off as a kind of trust for the DCs? (They had a DC before the house purchase).

FuckTheMagicDragon · 17/08/2014 21:18

If he feels bad about not owning an equal share in the house then he needs to put an equal amount of cash in.
If he's not got the cash, then he needs to deal with it. I'm assuming here that he's kicking up a fuss so he doesn't have to sign anything agreeing to the fair division of equity in the event the house is sold or you split up.
If you stay together he's got nothing to worry about. If you split up why should he get your hard earned money, that was yours alone, prior to you buying a house?

Happydutchmummy · 17/08/2014 21:18

I'm screaming at you not to do it! Get your solicitor to ringfence your deposit as solely yours

JulietBravoJuliet · 17/08/2014 21:18

I was in this position, albeit with a smaller deposit, about 10 years ago with ds's dad. I didn't get anything in writing, it went tits up and I lost my money. Once bitten, twice shy! I'd never, ever risk a large amount of money again!

Bluecatinabox · 17/08/2014 21:18

No way do you put that into your house without it being earmarked as yours! Please see a solicitor! If he still has a problem then I would not be buying a house with him. He will benefit as you can certainly buy a more expensive house with this deposit.

RumNoRaisins · 17/08/2014 21:18

I say this as a happily married woman who has the most wonderful DH one could hope for, make sure the deposit remains yours to safeguard the future of your child(ren).

Preciousbane · 17/08/2014 21:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RandomMess · 17/08/2014 21:19

You need to see a solicitor for advice and yes if you ever get married then it will surely then become 50/50 shared equity regardless.

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Morethanalittlebitconfused · 17/08/2014 21:19

I'm such a sceptic and can't help but wonder how long the relationship will last once you've bought the house. Sorry!

Overthehillmum · 17/08/2014 21:19

My husband and I weren't married when we bought our house, he put £50k deposit down, we have it legally that if we sold the house he would get that back and anything over that would be split equally, if we were getting a new mortgage together it would matter, but if we were splitting up obviously it would. I see it as only fair, but we were older, I have kids he didn't, I would have made sure I was covered if it was my deposit. So, no UANBU

FunLovinBunster · 17/08/2014 21:19

Don't do it.
I was in this position 8 years ago. My then DP and I split. I had put down £20k deposit. In spite of this I still ended up paying ex £100k to buy him out. Never Again. Buy a house, but put it in your name only, and get a legal document drawn up showing exactly how much each party has put in.
I'd be wary of gold diggers...and your DPs attitude would be a dealbreaker for me.

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