7 yrs old is plenty old enough to understand isn't it

[popperdoodles]

Just had the mother of all tantrum from d's age 7. I sent him out of the room and he kicked door, threw shoes, pinched me, spat at me. I did my best to ignore but had to intervene to stop him actually breaking something. He then tried to deliberately shut his fingers in the door, when that didn't get the reaction he wanted he pretended to fall down the stairs. screaming and crying the whole time. am I expecting too much of him to have grown out of this by now. He should surely know this is not going to get him anywhere! Dh tries to back me up but often says I'm too harsh on him. 7 yrs old is surely old enough to know you don't behave in that way and he is far too big to be kicking things and throwing things in temper. I will not have my home trashed! I wouldn't let him back into the family room until he calmed and apologised. That's reasonable yes?

[loudarts]

Yanbu, I would not allow my 7 year old dd to act like that, she would be confined to her own bedroom until she stopped. She would also be expected to clear up any mess she made. Stick to your guns

[GirlsWhoWearGlasses]

YANBU and 7 is old enough to understand that there are consequences for his actions.

[SorryForTheTypos]

Agree that 7 is too old for this kind of behaviour but I am interested in this Dh tries to back me up but often says I'm too harsh on him - can you give an example?

[SqueakySqueak]

Alright, I'll ask it. Are you sure he doesn't have SN's? 7 year olds typically don't tantrum like this unless something else is going on.

And... YANBU even if he does have SN's. I'm only asking because if he does they might give you techniques that will help minimize these sort of unacceptable outbursts. It might be good to get him tested so you can figure out how to work with him, not excuse his behavior.

[AnAwfullyGoodOxymoron]

Of course he knows he shouldn't behave like that, however at 7 it's still very hard to control your emotions. Feeling angry, frustrated, upset is all hard to deal with, we learn gradually how to handle all these emotions as we grow up. Even now I find it hard to deal with some of those emotions.

Talk it through, calmly. No shouting. Explain. Try to understand why he felt like he did (from a 7 year old's perspective), use it when you speak to him.

[AnAwfullyGoodOxymoron]

Squeaky

Plenty 7 year olds get angry like this if they feel they have been unfairly treated and their not being listened to. Then it just spirals into an outburst like the one the OP describes.

[popperdoodles]

thank you, I end up feeling like I am being horrible to him even though I know I am not. Dh will make excuses for his behaviour, he's tired, he didn't mean to, he can't control his emotions yet. If he was two I would agree but he's not he is seven! When he pinched and spat at me dh did carry him up to his room but sat and talked to him, which in my eyes is just giving him attention for bad behaviour. Fine put him in his room but then walk away! I have ofcourse said this to him but he said he thought it might help him calm down. I think he needs to learn how to calm himself down.

[Mumof3xox]

What caused it all?

[AnAwfullyGoodOxymoron]

I agree with your DH, talking and communication is the key, I'd get very frustrated if every time I had a disagreement with someone they just shut off and didn't talk it through with me.

[MollyBdenum]

I think it's fairly normal for 7 year olds to have occasional huge tantrums. DD does, and talking to other parents at school (and seeing a few in action) reassured me that she wasn't the only one, especially at the end of term.

I can generally spot the signs early on and send her away to calm down, but violent or abusive behaviours means being sent to her room until she calls down enough to join in with family life again, apologise and put right anything she's disturbed, along with the loss of a privilege such as TV time or playing out.

Since school got more academic in year 1, she's tended to be very tantrummy at the end of the summer and spring terms, with her behaviour going back to normal after a week or two of unpressured holiday time.

[popperdoodles]

This what I wonder, how much should a 7 yr old be able to control themselves. His older brothers didn't do this. I have explained it's Ok to be angry or upset about something but whatever we just can't behave like that. I want to be understanding but surely there comes a point where he has to learn you just can't behave like that.

[SqueakySqueak]

AnAwfullyGoodOxymoron I'm not saying he does I'm saying it's good to at least look into.

I've watched kids that have tantrummed like that once in a while, but it's not a regular thing like the OP suggests her son is doing. Every child I know that regularly threw massive tantrums like that had something else going on.

I also know of kids that haven't been able to regulate their emotions and it came to light they had ADHD, ASD, or some sort of MH problem with anxiety. I guess it depends on how he acts at other times as well.

If this tantrum is surprising, tell him to cut the shit. But if it's not, getting him tested might save both of you the headache in years to come.

[AnAwfullyGoodOxymoron]

All children are different though, different temperaments, what his brothers did at that age is irrelevant.

[wheresthelight]

Definitely not acceptable imo!!! And he should be able to calm himself down

Your approach imo is better than your dh - remove from situation, allow to calm and then explain and discuss appropriate punishment. I do think that at 7 he should be made part of the solution in terms of giving him a choice of outcomes for his behaviour ie dsd frequently refuses to eat food I know she eats so she gets told that she can either eat it or she goes to bed without anything else and gets nothing else. Dss is a bugger for treating me like shit (no reason other than typical boundary pushing) and gets asked what he thinks is appropriate punishment for his behaviour ie sent to his room, privileges like playing out on his bike removed, no tv time after tea, etc he is slowly learning consequences and tbh his behaviour has had a dramatic improvement since he had hid birthday party taken away for being incredibly rude and abusive to me.

[Thenapoleonofcrime]

One of mine had tantrums like this when 7/8 and it was terrible, a lot worse than a toddler which at least you can pick up and move if they are kicking off.

I did come down very firmly though, on throwing/kicking/hitting- one day off the computer for every single time that occurred. I only had to do this one long time - I think we clocked up about 15 days before she finally calmed down. It was a long two weeks but sent the message- you never ever hurt people in our house.

The other thing that worked was getting my dd to stay in her room- I told her she could be cross and angry up there, say bad things, but not hurt me or anyone else (or things) and she had to stay in there til she calmed down.

This gave her a bolt-hole. I would suggest your dh back off and leave your son to it so he can calm down, but I don't think you should feel bad about how you both handled it this time around it probably took you by surprise.

YANBU to have a tired exhausted 7 year old have a tantrum, you are a little unreasonable if you don't lay out the consequences of what will happen if he hurts things or people during any other tantrum, otherwise, what's to stop him doing this when bigger and stronger? I would let him know this now and plan how you will handle it if it happens again.

It is mighty stressful, I used to feel like I had been in a boxing match when my 7/8 year old kicked off and like no-one else's children would be still doing this at this age. She's now a delightful 10 year old, who may roll her eyes a little, but wouldn't have this type of tantrum, so it is not set in stone.

[chrome100]

I used to have almighty tantrums like the one you describe until the age of about 13 (sorry!)

[ElephantsNeverForgive]

6/7 year olds can and do tantrum.

It's one of those transition ages when they begin to want more of their own way and see themselves more as individuals. At the same time school, teachers and parents expect more mature behaviour from them. Sometimes they can't quite cope and want to be back being 4.

DD2 spent a lot of time in her room 'until she wanted to be nice'. In her case mainly for developing a very grown up line in clever comments and put downs, without the emotional maturity to know when to shut up.

[popperdoodles]

this is not an isolated incident unfortunately. today it started because he threw a toy at the windows and then got really cheeky when I explained it wasn't safe. he got really rude so I sent him out the room, then the tantrum started.....

[AnAwfullyGoodOxymoron]

Did he say he didn't mean to hit the window by any chance?

[petalunicorn]

I don't think the tantrumming is unusual behaviour at 7 (although I know plenty of parents that would find it horrifying because their kids aren't that way inclined), I do think the pretending to hurt themselves is a bit silly at that age. I think you are doing the right thing with ignoring and keeping them away from family areas until they are acting sensibly.

I have a temperament where I loose it. As an adult I can feel when things are getting a bit much and seek some time out. I see this trait in my kids. I know that it's my job to help them recognise when it's getting a bit much (through stress, tiredness, sense of justice whatever) and help them find some space to calm down before it gets to meltdown.

[ElephantsNeverForgive]

Also it's been stupidly hot, there isn't a school child in the country who hasn't found term a week to two weeks too long.

You and your DH need to sit down and find a way of pointing out that some behaviour isn't acceptable, without punishing the over emotional over reactions that I don't thing are deliberate.

It is the one age that catching them being good does work.

[AnAwfullyGoodOxymoron]

Some kids that age do seem to think they know it all and can be very cheeky.

Definitely a good idea to talk it through with your DH about how you both will deal with this in future so you're both going through the same motions when it occurs.

[Kundry]

What strikes me is that you and your DH are not parenting as a team. So he can get DH's attention by tantrumming and also come between you as DH feels sorry for him - this is a huge gain for him and I suspect tantrums will continue while he sees he can split his parents by doing it.

[SelfconfessedSpoonyFucker]

yeah 13yr old who had grown out of this a long time ago has started again. My tactics are sending him out with the dog to walk around the block and cool down, fix whatever he kicked over etc and gently point out that he isn't going to get his way by acting like that, ever. Getting angry and frustrated myself just escalates it.

[sezamcgregor]

I'd be giving my DS the "GO AND SIT ON THE STAIRS!" if that were happening in my house.

DS is a little bugger at times and likes to kick off when he's frustrated. Usually when he's that angry, it's because he's tired.

When he's ready to come off the stairs - ie no crying/shouting/stomping for a few minutes - he can come to me and explain why he was on the stairs. We then have a chat about how he should have reacted. Having a lie down or a quiet time reading a book is fine. Other times he's been that angry is when he's been made fun of by other children. In which case I said about just telling me "I feel cross" and we can do some shouting or I can just give him a cuddle/piggy back and not being mean to me - just because someone is not nice to you doesn't mean you have to be mean.

Breaking things - oh God, we haven't gotten to that stage yet - is unacceptable.

I saw a strategy in a book the other day which said to make your frustrated child "draw" how angry they are - let them scribble away and when that page is full, give them a new page, and another, until all of the anger is gone. "Phew, you were really angry!"

You and DH need to be a team, I'd suggest when DS is asleep later, having a chat with DH and agree what to do next time it happens. Good luck.

Oh, YANBU - he is old enough to know right from wrong. But you need to recognise what he is choosing to do and what actions are skipping that stop and going straight from cause to reaction without a thought process taking place if that's the case at the start.