To feel sad at my family's total lack of interest in my dc?

[herewegoagain0714]

I am a LP and have 2 dd's, age 10 and 4. Dd1 has quite regular contact with her father, but dd2 doesn't see hers at all (zero contact order).

My DM lives locally, I actually moved to this area as she said she would help me out with the kids. She does, if I ask her to and she is available, but tbh I don't ask her to much as she always agrees with a sigh and a 'I suppose so', and usually there are conditions attached, e.g. If she has them overnight, she will ALWAYS say I need to be back ASAP in the morning to get them as she has something important to do the next day, and then when I get there she will just want to sit and chat to me for hours and clearly isn't in a hurry to go anywhere. She has never once actually volunteered to have them or seemed pleased at the prospect of having them.

My DF had my eldest once, for a night, 5 years ago (which was his idea and it went fine). Apart from that he has never spent any time with either of them without me being present, and we don't see him that often.

I have three brothers who don't give a shit about them. None of them have kids themselves and they are just not at all interested. My dc both recently had birthdays and of the three brothers, only one managed to get a present to one of my dc (nothing to my eldest)...some play dough that wasn't even wrapped. Not so much as a card or even a text to me from the others. My youngest doesn't even know what her uncles are called, she has to be reintroduced whenever she sees them (maybe once or twice a year).

I realise I have made my own (bad) decisions in life and ended up In the situation I am in. And I hope what I am saying doesn't come across as me just wanting time away from my kids, as that really isn't the case, though of course it would be nice to get a break sometimes. I am very isolated living in a new area but my chances to meet other people are fairly limited as I have no money and always have the kids. I am just upset for my dc that members of my family never actually want to see them, they are virtually strangers to them apart from my DM. Especially for my youngest who has no father figure in her life, it would be nice if she had a grandad or uncle who was actually interested in her, so she had some kind of male role model. I know there are others in my situation, but of everyone I know personally, I can't think of a child whose grandparents/uncles/aunties etc are less keen to have a relationship with them.

They are not horrible kids btw, my 4 year old is a bit of a chatterbox but they are lovely, well behaved girls and I just feel so sad for them. It's hard enough being a mum and a dad all in one, without having to make up the shortfall of the wider family too.

[BramshawHill]

I've not had experience of your situation, but do your girls feel like they're missing out? Are they old enough to be asked? You might find that they're not missing what they never really had in the first place. My aunts and uncle, though not DISinterested, didn't play a big part in my life as a kid. I'm not particularly close to them or my cousins, and I've never felt there was anything missing

[deakymom]

been there best to not bother asking just get on with it my mom actually hit the roof when i got my friend to babysit instead of her she was always "busy" or huff puff well i suppose i could help if its an emergency (i needed a smear test dd was ill and i didn't want to take her in) the tin lid was my thirtieth birthday i asked mom to babysit so i could go out (for the first time in four years) she said yes then rang back and said no she was going out with my sister instead (on my birthday) i spoke to my sister and she said well we don't want you getting pregnant again and we are not responsible for bringing up your mistake i was livid yes dd was not planned but i looked after her 24/7 by myself and i asked to go out once in four years i never bothered to ask again and i dont even speak to my family anymore she seems to forget when her children were born her MIL had them all weekend and during the week and her parents and sisters helped out even on my christening video someone else was holding me!

[CoffeeTea103]

Op are you close to your family? Do you and your siblings get along well. If not, then I can understand your situation being as is. Maybe because your DBS don't have children, they really don't understand. Have you asked any of them to be more involved?

[pukkabo]

Ahh your situation sounds almost exactly like mine -sigh-, it's awful isn't it? I'll be watching this thread with interest.

My DM never offers to look after DC, I also always have to ask and it also always comes attached with conditions- I usually get a curfew. She's never taken all three of them overnight, she took first DC overnight a handful of times when he was a baby but not since. Because of the conditions I resent having to ask her, I always feel like when we go out we have to watch the time and rush home so just dread it.

My F is a joke. Never looked after any of them, only met DC1 and 2 a handful of times and never met DC3 who will be two in a couple of weeks! I've completely given up on him.

I just wish my family would be the kind of family that would pop round and be like "mind if I take DC to park today?" Or even "shall we all go for a picnic today?" Or maybe "why don't you and DH take yourself off out, I'd love to look after my DGC." Just doesn't happen. No interest, more caught up in themselves. DH family live abroad and don't have the money to come over and visit but I know they'd be more like this.

[herewegoagain0714]

I guess they don't know what they are missing out on at the moment, but they may think about it as they get older perhaps? We are not a particularly close family, my parents' divorce 10 or so years ago segregated things a bit e.g. now my eldest brother doesn't speak to my DM. Having said that I do get on well with all of them so it's not like they have a personal gripe with me over anything. They all live within half an hour of me.

Yesterday I was talking to my DM and mentioned how dd1's father's new girlfriend, who I have vaguely known for years but not that well, offered to have both of the kids for a weekend at some point as she had recognised that I never get a break. I really thought she would respond by saying "well you know I'd have them for the weekend", but she said "oh that's nice of her, I'd have her arm off there".

[pumpkin3142]

That's really sad and it is entirely reasonable that you are disappointed with your family. I have been surprised at how little involvement many of my and DH's family want with their first grandchild. It makes me feel sad for my child, as though they have been rejected, but then I reflect that if they have such skewed priorities a closer relationship may not be that beneficial to our child. I do feel envious of friends who have very involved relatives though.

[Spickle]

I had very similar, but my children are adults now and my DM and ex-MIL often moan that their GC don't go to see them any more. Well, I wonder why! I was envious of friends who have very involved relatives - I know DP's parents would have been fabulous and they, sadly, don't have any GC.
Just get on with your life and don't worry, it'll come back to bite them. I know that's no help but it has made me think very hard about how I will be when I'm a nan.

[Hickorydickory12]

I feel for you op. It's v difficult not to take it personally and feel let down. It must be so waring not to have a break.
How about arranging sleepovers for friends in the hope it can be reciprocated. Or swap babysits with friends with children?
Hang in there. You sound a great mum who just wants the best for her children.

[happygonicky]

I started a post on almost the same subject so know where you're coming from. Guess it's their loss, hurts though!

[Notthateasy]

It must be very hard for you, and with being new to an area too, have you looked to see if there is a Gingerbread local to you for support etc?
As for your family, if nothing changed after your first dd then then it might have been wishful thinking it would change at all. Do you invite mum and brothers to your house, just a bit of a social for everyone? I don't know how old your is or if she works, maybe she finds looking after 2 dd a bit much. DH daughter expected me to look after her youngest on my day off when she went back to work . I said no way to which her response was well if you won't do it at least you could pay for her to go to nursery!

[Nanny0gg]

Do you see your parents and siblings as a family? Without needing childcare?

Do you go round/invite them for meals or a cup of tea?

[Marcelinewhyareyousomean]

I understand your hurt.

Mine reap what they sow now and my peace of mind has improved. I feel sorrowful that my lovely ds doesn't have love and attention from his GPs. They were supposed to take him away next week to a cottage. I knew they wouldn't and with 2 days to go, they have cancelled. They haven't seen ds for a year and a half. He brought his family tree home with the rest of his work at the end of term. He wrote that they were dead. All mid 60s, retired and in good health. They don't deserve him; he deserves so much more.

Counselling helped me realise I was mourning their general lack of attention. It's difficult when people that are supposed to be your nearest and dearest don't seem to love your children. It's not your fault and there isn't anything your DC could do. THEY are flawed and you can't fix them.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

I have purposely not read beyond your OP because I wanted to get this down without being influenced by any replies but:

1. How much time do you spend with your mum generally?
2. How much time do you spend with your brothers?
3. Do you remember family birthdays and make a point of marking them?
4. How much contact do you have with your father?
5. Did you have contact with aunts/uncles and grandparents when you were growing up?

I ask because we're a small family too. I like to think we're close enough but I'm frequently gobsmacked by my eldest brother's lack of interest in anybody other than his kids. He even told our mother (during an argument) that he doesn't care if he doesn't have relationship with her as long as she's alright with the kids. Beyond rude!

I get on fine with all of my brothers but my eldest one is very selfish. I've recently reminded him that, as his sibling, my primary relationship is with him. My relationship with his children as their aunt is secondary. If I don't have a relationship with him then he can't expect me to pull out all the stops to play happy families with his children. I would never let them suffer as a result but I wanted to make the point very clearly with him.

What's your relationship like with your siblings and with your mum and dad, OP?

[herewegoagain0714]

I don't see my younger brothers much. My eldest brother I am quite close to, but despite being really good fun with my kids when I do see him, he is adamant he doesn't want kids of his own, his long term girlfriend recently got pg but had an abortion as he didn't want kids, and they split up. So he is unlikely to volunteer to spend time with my kids. My younger brothers are just at completely different life stages; my middle brother works unsociable hours in a factory and spends his time getting stoned when he's not working, and my youngest brother is in his early twenties and it's all about beers with the lads.

My parents are 59 and 61. They both work but have lots of free time because of the nature of their jobs. I get one weekend off a year, for Glastonbury, where my DM will have them from Friday until Monday. However, I don't spend that time partying, I spend it selling vodka jellies so that I can afford to buy my kids birthday presents. This year I made just over a grand which paid for dd1's expensive residential school trip, and their birthdays. When I told my DM how much I'd made she said "my babysitting rates are good then, aren't they", and proceeded to guilt trip me about the money she'd spent on my dc that weekend, she took them to Go Ape and bought them a few items of clothes in Asda, and dd2's pull up leaked in bed and apparently ruined the mattress. FFS, my one weekend off a year, where I would love to go and let my hair down with my friends, I spend wandering around like a beggar woman peddling vodka jellies so that my dc will get birthdays, otherwise they wouldn't! My DM is far from skint, btw, whereas I am down to my last quid every week.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

Yes, I understand all that BUT what do YOU do in terms of maintaining a relationship with your brothers and parents? Your post is all about what they do/don't do for you/your children. Could that be where the problem lies? It really can be irksome to have somebody so fixated on their children and what's good for their children yet have no concern for anybody else.

What I'm trying to say (as gently as I can) is that it's not all about your children. They are not the epicentre of other people's lives and if you don't put some effort into making relationships with them, why would they bother about your children when they have no relationship with sister/daughter?

Do you even appreciate your mother when she minds your children and spends money on them? Bearing in mind that you don't seem to have a very close relationship with her, it's quite good of her I think. It's not about money, you can show that you care in very many ways that don't cost.

[herewegoagain0714]

lying

1. a lot. We see each other several times a week usually, and chat on the phone a lot too.
   
   
2. see my post above
   
   
3. I always at least phone/text/fb message for my brother's birthdays. I get my youngest brother a present but my other two brothers and I have a mutual agreement that we don't buy each other birthday presents. I always get my parents birthday presents.
   
   
4. me and my DF used to be a lot closer and talk on the phone a lot, but he has been with his partner for a few years now who seems to be quite purposefully steering him away from his dc (long story in itself). I don't think he needed much encouragement though, I have always been a disappointment to him, I think he is embarrassed of me. I maybe talk to him once a month on the phone and visit him around every two months.
   
   
5. when I was growing up I was close to my maternal grandmother and she used to look after us a lot, she died when I was 12. My dad's mum always quite clearly favoured her daughter and her children and spent a lot of time with them but very little with us. She and my DM did not see eye to eye which didn't help. My uncles and aunties were not particularly involved with us as they all lived a long way away, but they were all very good at sending cards and presents or money on our birthdays.

[herewegoagain0714]

I understand that my brothers are unlikely to be all over my kids like a seagull on a chip, considering that we didn't used to spend much time together before I had dc. However it's sad that they don't even send a card for their birthdays, as this was the norm with our aunties and uncles when we ?ere growing up, as I said above. Personally, I can't wait until one of my brothers has kids and my dc have cousins, I will be so excited and I can't imagine not making an effort for any future nieces or nephews' birthdays, but maybe that's because I have experienced having children myself.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

That is sad, herewego, I think there is a bare minimum that should be done at the very least.

It does sound as if you have a fair relationship with your siblings... have you ever talked to them about how you feel and how it would make such a difference to your children?

Same with your mum really although it's less understandable as she should be more in tune with you and know that your children would benefit so much from an active relationship with their grandparent. Have you talked to her about it?

I'm sorry, it does sound very hard work for you. ... I have never, ever heard the term 'seagull on a chip' before though, I love that!

[Sunny67]

Can you honestly say you try more with your family than they do with you? Your mum works and is 59, she has raised four children. Maybe she thinks she has done her job and the spare time she has is for her. Sorry if it sounds harsh but you say your not close so it might be how she feels.

[herewegoagain0714]

I haven't talked to my siblings about it no, we don't really do 'feelings' with each other. But my mum knows exactly how I feel and what I've been through, we are close (I didn't say we weren't), and she knows what I have been through the last few years (worst domestic abuse the judge had seen in 40 years followed by 2.5 years of court hearings, which has just ended). I get that she enjoys her free time, but a bit more support would be nice. Her work involves attending meetings for maybe 2 half days a week.

[Sunny67]

Sorry, with you putting that you're not a particularly close family, I'd assumed you meant the whole family.
Have you looked outside of them for support like Gingerbread?