To want an independent adjudicator in my home?

[shinynewname]

I fell like a lot of arguments discussions in my house end up going in circles eventually.

But you said...

But you always do x...

But you never do y....

Etc.

So my independent adjudicator could step in and say DH you are wrong "actually the exact writers used were..." And "in fact Mrs Name did x on this precise date"

Maybe it would be a robot.

[shinynewname]

Words, not writers.

[DoJo]

Without being too harsh, this is the kind of thing I would like and I know that it is one of the most annoying things about me. I have had to accept that an argument is rarely about the specific incident in question, more about how one person makes the other feel, so who was actually right or wrong on any given point isn't really the point. If you feel as though someone constantly exhibits behaviour which is disrespectful/infuriating/lazy/provocative, then it doesn't really matter whether one particular instance of their behaviour is 'proof' of that, the fact is that you feel like that and you need to work out how to stop it.

Comments and actions are usually misinterpreted (or interpreted in the most negative way) when you feel as though that is 'typical' behaviour for someone, so even if they genuinely didn't mean it, the root of the problem is still there until it can be addressed, resolved or otherwise dealt with.

Sorry - this went a bit deep (and is blatantly more about me than you so apologies again!). However, for a more light-hearted response please feel free to choose from:

1. Install CCTV and have portable dictaphones on you at all times when not at home.
   

1. Develop an eidetic memory (not sure how possible this is!).
   

1. Employ someone to take minutes at all times (perhaps danger money/time and a half for work undertaken in the bedroom).
   

HTH

[DoJo]

Without being too harsh, this is the kind of thing I would like and I know that it is one of the most annoying things about me. I have had to accept that an argument is rarely about the specific incident in question, more about how one person makes the other feel, so who was actually right or wrong on any given point isn't really the point. If you feel as though someone constantly exhibits behaviour which is disrespectful/infuriating/lazy/provocative, then it doesn't really matter whether one particular instance of their behaviour is 'proof' of that, the fact is that you feel like that and you need to work out how to stop it.

Comments and actions are usually misinterpreted (or interpreted in the most negative way) when you feel as though that is 'typical' behaviour for someone, so even if they genuinely didn't mean it, the root of the problem is still there until it can be addressed, resolved or otherwise dealt with.

Sorry - this went a bit deep (and is blatantly more about me than you so apologies again!). However, for a more light-hearted response please feel free to choose from:

1. Install CCTV and have portable dictaphones on you at all times when not at home.
   

1. Develop an eidetic memory (not sure how possible this is!).
   

1. Employ someone to take minutes at all times (perhaps danger money/time and a half for work undertaken in the bedroom).
   

HTH

[DoJo]

Anyone for a third time? No? I'll get my coat then...

[fairylightsintheloft]

there was a one off drama a while ago (part of a series called Black Mirror) where everyone had these implants that recorded all your sensory input and you could play it back either privately into your eyes or on a screen. The characters used the screen option to settle some argument about exactly who had said what...inevitably it all ended badly, but interesting idea

[miniHovis]

personally i would prefer a referee to keep the peace or deal with the fall out and dish out the punishments to ds1 and ds2 when they start there shite.

[ancientbuchanan]

My godmother keeps a diary to record exactly what people say or do for exactly this reason.

I now walk away.

[ICanSeeTheSun]

I like the pointless arguments, I think I would start arguing with the adjudicator.

[shinynewname]

dojo you are actually right. :)

I get carried away in all the "I did not say that,I said. . ." Etc. which probably prolongs the argument. I'm really pedantic though, which may be the issue!

[antimatter]

Mastering the hard art of letting the other person to finish what they are saying reduces the need for the presence of an adjudicator

[DoJo]

I am a natural pedant and find it almost impossible to resist the urge to have the last word. Unchecked, I can turn a minor disagreement about who left a spoon in the sink into a diatribe about how feminists have suffered the world over to ensure that I am not solely responsible for loading the dishwasher.

It takes a lot of effort for me to curb my natural urge to prove myself right (and Google hasn't helped!) but I am learning to focus on the bigger picture and use some of the patience I have for my toddler on my husband!

[shinynewname]

Oh, that sounds like me. Must resist ....

It's probably not helped by DH's love of sweeping generalisation type statements, which I cannot let go.

[Lambzig]

DH and I have a rule that if we are having a disagreement it has to be about the subject in hand. Anyone saying "you always.......", "you never......" Or bringing up past behaviour incident longer than one month ago immediately forfeits the argument and has to apologise. We have had that agreement for fifteen years and it works for keeping arguments short (and I am a very squabbly person".

[enderwoman]

Yanbu. A lie detector would also be great.

[antimatter]

Lambzig - excellent idea!

[shinynewname]

Lambzig, how did you get that to work? ?

[Lambzig]

We just made it a rule as we were having awful drag everything into it rows (pressure of ttc and failing)

It started off quite childish "ha, ha you said I always, so I win and you have to say sorry now", but it quickly became habit forming. I think it made me say what was actually wrong rather than dragging irrelevant stuff in.

I suppose we both had to agree to it and stick to it.

Not that we don't argue, but we don't have long drawn out rows and we do stick to the topic.

[WooWooOwl]

My first thought on hearing this idea is that it's brilliant and I Want One, but then I thought I'm not sure I'd like the power to be able to piss on DHs chips to quite that extent. Seems almost cruel to break his spirit completely.

Because that is what would happen.

[shinynewname]

Lambzig, I'm actually going to suggest this to DH.

I reckon it could cut down stupid argument time by about 80%

[hettie]

You don't need an adjudicator you just need to learn two key communication skills ( both of you obviously). 1. Listening (and showing you are listening) this means not interrupting and then commenting and paraphrasing back what the person has just said (eg "so you think I was being rude by not acknowledging your hard day"- importance is that you acknowledge even if you don't agree. 2. Saying what you feel/ think not what they've done eg " I feel really disrespected when you.... (Ignore me, shout at me... Insert whatever).
Also very helpful to ask questions... What why etc.
The whole paten of you saying etc etc just leads to everyone saying their views louder and louder and getting more and more cross without actually acknowledging the other person or solving the problem

[shinynewname]

Embarrassingly I've actually read about that technique in a book Hettie. . .

It all seems to go out of the window when you're tired and stressed though.

[hettie]

Oh I know- me too! --far more embarrassing for me as part of my professional life is teaching this stuff—
It is helpful if you can practice it though!