AIBU to think that, apparently, you HAVE to start a blog once you have a baby?

[maisiemarlow]

;)

----

Cinnamon Bunnies And Compassionate Constipation:TMJOOMH
by Ms Maisie Anonymous (because it has to be that way)
graphic.gif XXFINDagoodonexX

Entry 1. Today.

I am starting a blog – welcome, dear Reader, to the first entry of many. Oh, so many many. The reason for this major life event? Based on my ability to type questions like 'Is it normal for my three week old to sit up by herself and drink independently from a sippy-cup whilst scanning the newspaper?' into Google, it appeared the obvious thing to do, the natural way forward. Something you Do once you have had a baby. It is the next step in my evolution from mere woman to Woman. Note that capital, please. It is meaningful. (And for the record, that really happened. My DD is very advanced for her age.)

For now that I am truly Woman, I feel I have to share with you all I have learned. My expert opinions will be better than any gynaecologist or paediatrician or psychologist you shall encounter, as they have been crafted from real actual blood, sweat and tears (empowering) and real actual posset and poo (check out that humour, y'all!). Instinct, intuition, and a deep-rooted earthmotherliness that takes hold of only a special handful of us ones who have given birth will be more valuable to you than you could ever know, when you're crying over your keyboard at 2am looking for Answers. If I don't reach out my hand in the age-old tradition of Woman to Woman through a free Wordpress blog with a cute logo, I will have failed.

Not that I will have failed as a mother of course. Don't be ridiculous. I am that ultimate of Mothers who, when perusing my writings, you will envy for her endurance and laughter and insight; for her amusing faux pas and daring back-chat; for her loving herself just as she is with her unwashed hair and stretchmarks (I actually just have the one, way down near my panty-line, but I sympathise much with you, and recommend vitamin E oil mixed with homegrown kale juice – beforehand, obviously, not after, you foolish woman). I am a grand success, but still humble and willing enough to await your approval ticking away in visitor numbers at the bottom of the webpage, showing such love for the comments from desperates who overuse exclamation marks and cannot grasp basic grammar, saying lovely things like: 'O thank u Maisie!!!1! U hav saved my life I didnt know whot 2 do with my DD as she didnt sleep but now u hav saved my life!!!!!1' or 'Why does nuthing work with my ds 40wks? Tried curry g&t and jogging Pls help me Masiie cos I canot understand why he refuses to be bborn, u have many answers?' Bless.

So I've done some research, and there are only about 10.27million blogs and websites about having a baby. Can you believe it? Why not more people are writing about this vital topic I cannot fathom, but it is my duty to help grow the numbers. As you've no doubt seen, I've decided to call my blog 'Cinnamon Bunnies & Compassionate Constipation: The Magical Joys of Organic Motherhood', to emphasise my warmly funny, honest yet annoyingly condescending approach to caring ethically for myself, my baby and, of course, my needy and uneducated readership. In it, I will force on you everything you need to know about Motherhood, make some aptly snide and disparaging jokes about the role of fathers (not my own child's father of course, who is a real Father, and yes, you should feel jealous and insecure), and, even though my child is only 6months old (albeit already completing sudoko puzzles with a fountain pen at an endearingly alarming rate), will tell you how to deal effectively with potty-training and primary school tantrums, and illuminate for your benefit the severe problems of teenagers who board/do not board. (XXXX!!! decide which before publishing blog!!!XXX also we're out of milk and veet XXXX).

This is because my Knowledge has anticipated all possible child-related concerns you might have. This is because I am Research in itself, and all studies, peer-reviewed papers and medical professionals have nothing on my Experience. This is because the Stories told of my Offspring uniquely precede all those of yours. This is because you cannot possibly love your child as much as I do, and therefore will never reach that highest of rungs on the Motherhood ladder: being able to blog about it. Hear me Roar!

[TheannamoLeelu]

Yanbu. And they all post an entry about 3 times before never posting again.

[maisiemarlow]

Ta. The interwebs are indeed littered with the flailing remnants of forgotten blogs, cluttered with echoes of attention-seeking cries from IKnowBest's or Isn'tMotherhoodFunny's. Yip, I figure an average of 3 posts is about right... drives me bloody insane!

[TheannamoLeelu]

Most popular blog posts for new mum blogs I recon are: weaning, sling wearing, product reviews (in the hope of blagging freebies). The best are the ones that get started just before the birth, once the baby is born never to be updated due to life getting in the way/sleep depravation.

[Thenapoleonofcrime]

I really did laugh out loud reading this. You are quite funny, perhaps you should write a blog only joking

[katese11]

Didn't you write this post before? Or something similar, in the bloggers' forum?

[LiDLrichardsPistachioSack]

Bahaha. The Mormon mummy blogs are the WORST for this type of shit.

[Catsize]

Funny - I started one about four hours ago. Will try to get past three posts. But it's not really a 'new mum' blog. Does that count?

[Keepontrudging]

Class!

[elliejjtiny]

Thanks, I needed a good laugh

[TheannamoLeelu]

Catsize, that's fine, as long as you get past 3 posts,

I actually like reading mummy blogs because its something I can relate to and obviously as a mum myself have an interest in, but I hate when you stat of following one and the posts get less and less frequent before stopping altogether.

[SqueakySqueak]

I just spam facebook where people actually care about my baby. There's so many mommy blogs there's nothing I can really add to give it a new angle. Also, I lose interest in all my blogs. They die a sudden death for no reason. I don't get comments from all 3 of my readers, so I assume they don't mind either.

Maybe if I was part of a writer community. But as is, I just post on facebook.

[SorryForTheTypos]

I started a blog a couple of years ago. About hairstyles, life & shit. I thought is was brilliant & ducking hilarious. It got about 3 views. I was devastated. Then I caught a hold of myself.

[Mrsbagface]

Seems pretty mean, why does it bother you so much?

[scottishmummy]

The mummee bloggers blogon MN.self obsessed twaddle about how they were avaricious husk before giving birth now all the matters is yoga,cloth bumming and fulfilment

[MummyBeerest]

I only ever liked one. Unapologetic Motherhood. She was really funny, not at all crunchy, and talked more about recovering from alcoholism than "isn't motherhood bananas?"

Then she just stopped writing.

Nothing can compare.

Interestingly, no one with a child over 3 writes a blog, it seems.

I'd read yours though.

[Happy36]

You are not being unreasonable.

Pregnancy hormones result in babies not previously nonexistent writing skills.

[WhatKatyDidnt]

Thank you OP, that is hilarious!

[scottishmummy]

Yes Maisie,v funny

[Balaboosta]

Like.

[GuybrushThreepwoodMP]

[ghostsinsnow]

There is one blogger who literally never talked about anything but her child. Every word was 'pfb did this today' or 'pfb farted today' etc. She was so utterly engrossed in this child that the first I realised she wad even married was when she posted he had left her.
I did feel for her but I did wonder if she was so wrapped up in the child in real life she had perhaps forgotten him.

[MrsMikeDelfino]

Interestingly, no one with a child over 3 writes a blog, it seems.

Well, that's where you're wrong. I have children over the age of 3 and have an established blog.
I don;t do any of your saccharine shit, either.

[BlinkAndMiss]

YANBU, I assumed that I needed to read blogs when my DS arrived because he was my first and I thought it might help me with knowing what to do. Within a week it had made me feel that inferior that I stopped reading, it's only now that I realise what twaddle it was.

I don't mind reading honest blogs, the ones which tell you how it is rather than the ones which are there purely for self congratulating and full of lies.

And anything with the mention of 'yummy' or 'mummy' isn't worth a glance.

[maisiemarlow]

You just can't get away from them. I hate when I want to check something useful on the web (e.g. should I bother making a GP appointment for Mystery Rash X, or just wait it out a couple more days), and I have to wade through search results including a hundred thousand personal blogs last updated in 2009... who on earth has time to read or write these?! In principle, I think they're fine - but I really (really!) think the internet should have a self-limiting thingie attached to all blogs: as soon as you start spouting bogus 'statistics' backed up by your own DC's ability to have been accepted into MENSA aged 3m thanks to your rigorous diet of ebf-ing on a diet of seaweed and imported tofu, I think the blog should self-destruct. Good luck Catsize. Let us know if you get past three posts - you might be onto a winner then. And, yes, Katese11, but I needed closure... ;) AIBU?

[maisiemarlow]

thenapoleonofcrime: I briefly, for like a nanosecond, considered registering the domain name //www.CBACCTMJOOMH.co.uk, but... um... nah. i'd then also have to register //www.maisiehypocritical.co.uk, methinks.