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AIBU?

To think if you suggest an event, you should at least help organise it?

41 replies

EvaBeaversProtege · 28/07/2014 23:35

Will keep this brief but am sitting here a bit perplexed.

I come from a large family, more sisters than brothers.

Two out of five of the girls work full time hours, one is a sahm (to very young children) and the other two have jobs (teaching & training) which allow them the summer off.

It's a relatives birthday in the next few weeks, not a milestone, but half a milestone if you see what I mean. I don't think it's one that needs a big celebration seeing as 5 years ago we had a massive party, massive present etc..

However, one sister suggested at the weekend we 'do something' to mark the occasion.

I replied (via text message) that I was planning on sending a card. She said she thought we should arrange a meal.

I asked what she was thinking of, where, how many people etc.. And she said "oh, I don't know, I've no intention of organising anything, I was hoping you would do it!"

No. I'm not fucking doing it. If she hadn't the intention of following the plans through, why suggest anything?

She has the summer off, I don't!

I don't want to put too much info (already have enough here) but in the past I have been left to organise stuff, order cakes (which are costly & no-one would offer to share cost) make banners, decorate rooms, then sit & sweat incase something goes wrong & it falls back on me.

AIBU to ask nothing more about it & let her organise away at it if she wants?

Of course I could offer to help her, but experience has taught me that helping in situations like this means doing it all myself!

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NormHonal · 28/07/2014 23:38

YANBU.

People have done this to me all my life and only now, aged 40-ish, have I got wise to it .

Sit back and see what happens. I know it will be hard but please do (and report back)!

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LittlePeaPod · 28/07/2014 23:42

YANBU. Looks like you are taken for granted a bit. I would tell her if she thought it was such a great idea to get on with it. Alternatively, I would just never mention it again and if she raised it I would ask her again what she was planning and when? Just keep batting it back.

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Salmotrutta · 28/07/2014 23:44

YANBU at all.

If this sister wants to make a big deal of a birthday for someone then it falls to her to sort it out.

I think I may be one of a minority who doesn't quite understand this modern fuss about supposed "milestone" birthdays.

When I was young the only "milestone" birthdays were 18, 21 and 65.

The rest were just birthdays.

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EvaBeaversProtege · 28/07/2014 23:52

I'm almost 40 too & getting to the stage where I realise I'm being used.

Only a couple of months ago a family member got me to 'help' her organise a present for her husband (think crafty/personalised item).. It needed stuff done to it by an outside party (a friend of a friend) who needed paid (so I paid this & let the family member know I had paid it & she could reimburse me).

I'm still waiting & it seems petty to mention it now as he loved the gift so much & kept thanking me for my part in it!

Dh gets angry with me, he asked me yesterday not to get involved as when I helped the relative mentioned above it took up all my evenings & two weekends of the fortnight before.

I have started putting my foot down (probably not noticed by anyone but it makes me feel better). I won't ask anything more about the arrangements.

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LittlePeaPod · 29/07/2014 00:09

I have started putting my foot down (probably not noticed by anyone but it makes me feel better).

^^ This. Good on you for starting to feel empowered. You are not their personal concierge! Since they all seem to take advantage take the piss and rudely not pay what they owe of your good nature, I think its time they all got on with it.

[Wine] A toast to your new assertive attitude on this! Grin

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Joysmum · 29/07/2014 00:57

.. And she said "oh, I don't know, I've no intention of organising anything, I was hoping you would do it!"

Text her back saying, 'that's funny because I was hoping you'd do it, I'm not this time'.

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SqueakySqueak · 29/07/2014 01:07

Yeah, I'm terrible at organizing events. It doesn't go much beyond a "Hey, we're doing this at X. Come or not."

I did plan a BBQ game night once though. It had a veggie tray and everything. :)

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helenenemo · 29/07/2014 01:17

YANBU. If they want it, they arrange it. It should never be down to one person.

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JoeyMaynardsghost · 29/07/2014 08:00

*And she said "oh, I don't know, I've no intention of organising anything, I

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JoeyMaynardsghost · 29/07/2014 08:01

And she said "oh, I don't know, I've no intention of organising anything, I was hoping you would do it!

My reply would have been "LOL! You crack me up!"

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EvaBeaversProtege · 29/07/2014 08:04

I'm too busy to arrange it!

I work til 6 most nights, home after 7 (later if traffic bad or have a late meeting)

I have children, stuff to do etc

I'd end up sending numerous text messages, emails, calling people. Everyone would need an opinion on where to meet (would need to be central which only leaves one hotel & last time we met there for an occasion, the food wasn't great.

I'd have to get opinions on a cake, costs for cake (that everyone will conveniently forget to contribute to) & the last cake was £50 - to feed all siblings, partners & children.

The more I think about it the more I an certain I'm not mentioning it again & will wait & see what transpires!

Thanks for letting me vent!

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RobotLover68 · 29/07/2014 08:18

definitely don't mention it - if she does, look at her blankly and say, "sorry I have no idea what you're talking about"

if she persists, say "sorry, that doesn't work for me"

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HibiscusIsland · 29/07/2014 08:30

You have to put your foot down or they will continue to take the mick. I'd reply and say "Good luck organising the event I can't do it this time" Then if they keep on just keep saying it doesn't work for you and you won't be doing it. I'd also request payment for the present you arranged on the family member's behalf too.

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Tinkerball · 29/07/2014 08:34

Its not on to be taken advantage of, but generally people do it because they can get away with it. Especially money!

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BolshierAyraStark · 29/07/2014 08:35

I'd just text back & say 'no sorry I have far too much on at the moment. Let me know what you've arranged'. As it stands she has cleverly left the ball in your court with her last text-if you don't reply she'll be telling people she's left it with you to arrange...

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KERALA1 · 29/07/2014 08:40

Like the time a parent swanned into our school fundraising committee and suggested we hold a particular event. When we asked how she planned to carry out this event she gave a tinkly laugh " oh no I am an ideas person". Sod off!

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MaidOfStars · 29/07/2014 08:54

Some people are 'Thinkers' and some people are 'Doers'. The best teams are composed of both. Needless to say, Doers are far better at getting jobs sorted. They are also braver, more comfident, more assertive, and happier.

Are you a Doer? Maybe your sister and you have fallen into a pattern that maximises your team output.

Or she could be lazy....almost an essential quality in a Thinker.

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FunkyBoldRibena · 29/07/2014 09:03

Or she could be lazy....almost an essential quality in a Thinker.

Hey! I'm a thinker and I am always told to slow down and stop doing stuff...

You can be both you know. I just am not a completer finisher so when I get the pots done after an event I secretly have to celebrate to myself.

Anyway OP - you DO need to respond or she will say 'OP was doing it'.

How about 'ODFOD'? Or 'No'.

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KERALA1 · 29/07/2014 10:33

Ha to thinkers - these "ideas" are hardly innovatively creative! The lady at our meeting came up with a really obvious "idea" for us 4 other volunteers with busy lives to jump to. I don't think love your idea you do it.

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MaidOfStars · 29/07/2014 10:41

Hey! I'm a thinker and I am always told to slow down and stop doing stuff...

I'm a Thinker too. Rarely told to slow down. Often told to stop doing stuff though mostly because it's not stuff that going to help me deliver my thinkiness

like fucking around on internet fora

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Whatisaweekend · 29/07/2014 10:47

If she persists, reply saying sorry but I have done X, Y and Z organising quite recently and am v busy at the mo so it is YOUR TURN.

Bet you nothing happens!!

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FunkyBoldRibena · 29/07/2014 10:48

I was once paid £50k a year to 'lie on the sofa at least one day a week and come up with new ideas'.


Yes - really. I ended up running the place.

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ILovedYouYesterday · 29/07/2014 10:49

I'd email back "sorry, I am too busy to organise anything this time, someone else will have to do it if you all want a party, but I think a card and present will be fine"

Otherwise word will get round that you are organising it.

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OnIlkelyMoorBahtat · 29/07/2014 15:55

Please for heaven's sake don't say the word "sorry" in any of your communications about it, as this merely enforces the idea that it is your responsibility... Just say something like "Your idea - you get to plan it. Them's the breaks! I look forward to our meal out :-)"....

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MaryWestmacott · 29/07/2014 16:04

Agree don't say sorry! It's a hard habit to break, but I'm also working on it!

How about "I'm too snowed to even think about X's birthday, but if you and the others sort something out, let me know the details and hopefully I/we can join you. I'm sure whatever you plan, X will enjoy it."

Any requests of help from people you know will take the piss or just be ungrateful, too busy now, gosh you are so busy this summer! These days, you just don't have time for anything! Wink

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