To think there's something wrong with me that I can't attract normal men

[Fanfeckintastic]

I feel like I can't speak to my friends about this because the single ones seem to have the opposite problem but let me say I honestly find NONE of this flattering so please don't think this is in any way boastful.

I've been single for a year and decided to date again in January and started accepting offers, giving my number etc if I really liked and got on with someone. So far I've "dated" four guys and I'm honestly beginning to think there's something wrong with me. The first one I got so obsessive so early, ringing at least three times a day, loads of texts, referring to us as a couple after two dates etc. Really really full on and our third date he bloody cried when I said I didn't think it was working (actually wrote about that here at the time)
Second guy got the exact same way, he had bought a new car and started saying one day it could be our family car, talking about buying me a car of my own (I had just sold mine), wanted to introduce our kids, meet my DD etc.
Third guy ended up being married, told me on our second date (and he lives locally too!!), I walked out and told him never to contact me again but he harassed me with calls and texts, approached me in the butcher's and then left his wife thinking that would change my mind
Forth guy, I met him out on Saturday night and got on with him straight away! We made a date for the next day and had an amazing time but he rang a few times after he had dropped me home which annoyed me a bit as I had DD home and wanted to spend time with her so didn't answer and he sent me a message saying "is your ex there, is that why you're not answering the phone because you're spending the night with him?"

What the FUCK?! Why do they all turn out to be like this,just once I'd love the excitement of wondering if they're going to text etc! Not having to knock my phone off for a bit of peace! It's making me feel really isolated and making me miss my relationship with DDs dad just because he was normal!!

I've met them in all different places so it's not a case of picking up creeps in bars. They've all appeared totally normal and had jobs etc so it's not a case of way too much time on their hands either.

[Fanfeckintastic]

Oh sorry meant to say the first guy got obsessive, not that I did!!

[Callani]

I don't know why it happens OP but I wouldn't take it as there being something wrong with you - my DSis used to have the same problem with guys being really intense and I've always put it down to the fact she makes other people feel special IYSWIM.

I personally have never had the same problem (!!!) so I couldn't advise on whether there was something you could do to prevent it happening again but definitely avoid the oddballs and perhaps next time you go on a first date make a point of liking taking things slowly and enjoying the allure of mystery!

[MrsBoldon]

It is you OP. I have the same condition. We emit a pheromone or a high pitched sound that only dogs and the fucked-up can sense.

Nah, it's them not us!

[Fanfeckintastic]

Thanks for the reply callani, I actually did make a point of saying that to the fella I was out with yesterday. I said I didn't rush into things and he agreed, I really thought we were on the same page and I came home feeling great about it but he sent that message just a few hours later. He rang and texted a few times today but I said look you seem like a nice guy but you seem to have some major trust issues, just give me a bit of space and maybe text me in a few days.

Everything else was so good that I think maybe this time I'll just really make my position known early on and see what happens but honestly my heart isn't in it. It just feels inevitable that it's going to happen with the next one anyway

[Fanfeckintastic]

Haha Thanks Mrs, it really does feel that way sometimes! I'm just shocked that this is how men behave, I'm sure it wasn't like this the last time I was single which granted was a good few years ago!

[meganorks]

I think when guys are looking for a relationship they are keen and go all in. My brother is like this. Hates being single. Do if he splits up with someone he is straight back on it with the internet dating. I'm not sure how full on he is in terms of what you describe, but it always seems pretty quick to me.

Also, I think with texting some people want to flirt all the time. Others have better things to do!

[Kundry]

How are you meeting these guys?

Sadly your experience sounds entirely normal for dating on some internet sites (OK, I mean plenty of fish ) At least you haven't been sent any cock pictures

While obviously the perfect man doesn't exist, you possibly do need to be a bit more picky. And dating sites that charge money tend to attract men who are seriously looking for a relationship, not just after a shag or are married as well.

Can't help you on the being too keen front - DH was a bit like this but it was OK as I'd decided I'd marry him on the first date.

[jay55]

Had a similar experience recently, the volume of texts and messages was just baffling. Would rather stay single than be checked up on all the time.

[burgatroyd]

There are a lot of weirdos out there.

You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince.

[TinklyLittleLaugh]

Are you quite young OP? Only I've noticed that my 20 and 18 year old seem to do a massive amount of texting and general contact when they are in a relationship. I agree it must be quite annoying; my DD is always complaining about guys getting "clingy".

[Fanfeckintastic]

No I'm 26 and these guys have been between 28 and 36! So peculiar! And I've met each one in entirely different circumstances, first one in a bowling alley when I was there with friends, second one no tinder , third in the playground and the last guy in the pub on Saturday night!

So I really am baffled! What shocks me the most is how normal they seem in the beginning!

[SarcyMare]

i read lots of threads on here from women complaining that the texts soon dwindled from the lovely 3 texts every hour to just 3 a day, and asking if he is going off me, having an affair should i dump him?

just pointing out these people exist on both sides of the barrier, maybe you could make it a first date question.

[squoosh]

OP are you the person who went to the cinema with the guy who kept texting you about the food he'd eaten, the food he was about to eat? That made me laugh.

[Fanfeckintastic]

Yes sqoosh that was me!! The same guy who ended up crying on our third date when I said it wasn't working! Constant texts and phone calls about big roast dinners and the different food aromas filling his house!

[MrsWinnibago]

It's because you're not that arsed. They sense the lack of desparation and go in for the kill.

I'm 41 and settled but in my 20s and teens I had the same issues...looking back it was because I was happy and settled in my life, with my mates and all that...and the men I liked tended to be a bit intense. One turned into a full blown stalker....he even stalked my friends to see if I was with them and one poor girl was eating her tea with her mum when his head popped up at the window!

He'd snuck into the garden and spied through the window to see if I was there!

[WaitingForMe]

I had a brief fling with one guy before leaving the UK (he knew this when we met). After a few meet ups I bid him farewell and he was confused. He assumed I'd be staying. Eventually he said he could be flexible and would come with me. When I refused he got really upset and said I'd led him on and anyone would expect a relationship to change things. He cried when I left.

From start to finish the "relationship" lasted a fortnight

[squoosh]

Maybe you're one of those open, smiley people Fan. Happy smiley faces are a beacon in the dark to these sort. Cultivate a mean and moody look and the more 'colourful' men will be too frightened to approach!

[SqueakySqueak]

Hmm... Are you saying yes to every date? You might no be being picky enough.

I find keeping it breezy and really up in the air if I'm going to take a future with them seriously or not attracts normal guys. So, something like "Let's grab coffee and see where that takes us" or something super casual where neither feels pressured to commit.

If it makes you feel better I went over to a guy's house to watch CSI Miami that he had on DVD box set (don't judging), and he suddenly started talking about marriage, me converting to his religion, how I needed to cut my hair, how his mother needed to approve of me, how if I got pregnant to never abort his child. It was the first date! I got the fuck out of there and blocked him on facebook. He was weird.

[Mammuzza]

Waiting

At least you didn't turn up for your departure... to find him waiting there for you with his own ticket.

Longest trip of my life.

[squoosh]

Seriously Mammuzza, did he just invite himself along?

[Fanfeckintastic]

Oh these stories are definitely making me feel better!! No I'm not saying yes to every date, just the ones that seem normal, that I feel an attraction with and who I get on with but go clearly going wrong somewhere along the line. I am definitely a cheerful person, perhaps I need to work on being more aloof and mysterious!

[Mammuzza]

squoosh

He put it more as "I wanted to surprise you"

Shock the life out of me and damn near cause a panic attack more like.

I'd only known him a week. And all we'd had was a single brief snog. With no tongues even.

Never before or since have I had such high octane, full on intensity from a man.

Thank God.

[PiperRose]

Hey op. Up until a year ago I was actively dating (Internet) after the end of a 15 year relationship. To borrow a cliche, it's not you, it's them.

My advice is this.

1. Arrange dates 1, 2 and 3 only through the Internet site and meet them at the venue. By the end of date 3 you should have a clearer idea whether you want them to have any more details, phone number, address etc.
   

1. The first date should be a coffee after work and have a handy excuse to get away early. I have to get back for the dc, dog etc.
   

1. On date 2, set your stall out. Tell him how you want this to play out. A good way to do this is ask if he has been on any other dates and how they went. In turn you can say "oh god I went out with this guy who expected us to be married in a month, what a turn-off that was!"
   

1. Your so-called 'hysterical' bad dates are currency. Your friends in a relationship will love to hear about them, I used to get invited to dinners just so I could regale people of my bad-dating experiences.
   

1. Persevere he WILL be out there.

[Fanfeckintastic]

Oh excellent advice Piper thank you so much

Completely agree with point number 4 my friends absolutely love hearing my dating horror stories! And I actually quite like telling them too!

I just hope that it won't always be like this though, I've never "actively dated" before but to be honest I'd like to meet these people far outside of my friendship circles etc as myself and exes friends would all be very intertwined, plus if they go terribly I can run away never to look back!

[Kundry]

Point number 4 is excellent.

I was advised by a friend who met her husband speed dating, always to view dates as entertainment. Even if the entertainment is how unbelievably awful the date is

She also suggested always going on dates that involve an activity (not cinema as you can't interact while the film is on though). If your date doesn't like the activity, then you know you don't have much in common. If your date is awful, at least you did something you enjoyed - a meal can be verrrry long with a bad date. I did some speed dating and frankly 3 minutes can be long with a bad date.

She had a story of a horrendous date with someone at an art gallery - but her take was, well at least I saw the exhibition I wanted

I think she had a point as I had 3 dates for coffee or a meal which went nowhere but man number 4 in the National Gallery I married