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AIBU?

feel like wiping in laws out out of our lives. aibu

114 replies

inmyshoos · 28/07/2014 11:32

My in laws live 4 hours away. So do my folks. When we moved here for work reasons in laws were over the moon saying beautiful part of world and theyd come visit. My folks were gutted because they would not see the kids so much.

Dont want to drip feed but there is a long history of in laws being completely unsupportive with our family whilst they practically raise their other sons dc.
They are heavily involved in their lives and we barely get a phonecall.

We have asked on the odd occassion for help and been told they cant as they have committed to the other gc.

So two days ago dd1 broke her arm in two places and needed an op. My dh works away and when he goes i will have the otherv2 dc plus our two dogs (one is a young pup) and need huge walks. Just managing the other two dc will be tricky enough as they are outdoorsy kids. We have been cycling and swimming and kayaking our days away and allthat will be impossible now with dds cast. Dc are 5, 7 and 9.
It takes a lot for us to ask for help.
So dh asked would mil fancy coming up on bus for a few days while he works. She replied 'oh no i will just see you when you come down'.
I feel like never seeing them again. They do nothing but upset us. They once had a 4 night stay in a hotel half an hour from us and didnt visit. Different if they didnt bother with the other gc but they are heavuly involved in their lives. I would have no oroblem with never seeing them again. My oldest and youngest arent fussed about them but my dd1 with the broken arm really connects with her gran.
Aibu for feeling like cutting them out.

OP posts:
Bowlersarm · 28/07/2014 11:35

I would imagine your mil didn't take do you 'fancy coming up on bus for a few days' to be actually asking for help.

Cutting them out seems extreme.

PossumPoo · 28/07/2014 11:40

Tell them you need their help. Then if they won't you know where you stand.

You could hire dog walkers to relieve you of that while DH is away.

BackforGood · 28/07/2014 11:43

Seems extreme to 'cut them out of your lives', so yes, YABU.

Why didn't your dh explain that you would like some help as it was going to be difficult with your dd1's op, rather than asking if the "fancied coming up on the bus" ? It's a completely different question IMO.

My in-laws have always been resistant to helping us (and yes, they have their dd's ds's one day a week, EVERY week, as well as ad hoc babysitting 'to help them out' but my life got a whole lot easier when I stopped expecting them to want to help / look after their grandchildren occasionally. That said, they are still my dcs' Grandparents, and we maintain that relationship for them. 'Cutting them out of your lives' is completely OTT.

Groovee · 28/07/2014 11:44

He should have been more direct, "we desperately need help, could you come down please?"

PenelopePitstops · 28/07/2014 11:46

Not sure why you can't do out doors things with a cast, she will just need to be careful and not get it wet. Walks etx can still be done.

Yabu to cut them off, do they know you actually need help?

Gen35 · 28/07/2014 11:46

I agree to hiring dog walkers or one of those companies that picks up the dogs and drops them off at the end of the day. I agree to asking directly, but we're in a similar situation and try not to get too hurt if you receive the same knock back. We asked for help around having our next dc and we're shocked when it was refused without hesitation. I wouldn't go nc if there is no addictive/pathological behaviour, as it just builds unnecessary drama and it'll make you feel guilty when they die.

CoffeeTea103 · 28/07/2014 11:48

Are you directly asking them for help or dropping hints, and then overreacting like this when they don't get the hint?
You and your DH moved 4 hours away, practically can you expect them to offer much help? I think yabu.

ecuse · 28/07/2014 11:49

On the face of your post, it sounds like them not realising you're actually asking for help. On the other hand you suggest there's back story which might put a different spin on this. Still, for the avoidance of doubt, I would a) actually ask them for help rather than framing it as 'would you like..' before you totally lose it with themand b) as possum said, hire dog-walkers to take some of the strain off in the short term. Sorry to hear about your DD's arm, must be very stressful. How's she doing?

inmyshoos · 28/07/2014 11:50

There is a huge history but dont want to write a novel. But also dont want to drip feed. They are a huge source of stress in our lives.

Another example. Dh is 40 in a few days. Mil says if we are down she will have us round for lunch and invite dhs best mate and his family. I say we cant do the weekend as my dn is having a biryhday party and we are going (she lives 4 hours south again and we rarely see her) Mil texts to say her other son is working on dhs birthday so cant make it and his wife working on the sunday so Sat is only day that is good. I say we have dns party and Mon or Fri would suit us. She texts. I give up trying to organise a 40th. Hopefully see (my dh name) at some point.
It was all about the other son and his family as usual. I just dont get it.
There are a long list of examples but without the novel you would just never believe how unreasonable they are.

Fil has a post in his driveway and you have to ring him so he can remove it to let you in. When you leave you have to ask him to let you out. He is all about control.

OP posts:
Gen35 · 28/07/2014 11:52

fwiw, I do understand the desire to tackle them on their favouritism of other gc or go nc, but I think it's a bad instinct. I did tackle one set of non-performing gps (my own) and it just ruined my relationship with my dad, made my mum feel bad and changed nothing for my dc so now I do my best not to let it get to me.

inmyshoos · 28/07/2014 11:55

Right i am going to text and ask directly. Loathed to because i know she doesnt want to come which makes asking even harder.

We have looked at moving near them again as that is where we grew up and they actively discourage it. Fil in particular was over the moon we were moving. In fact that was the one bit of help we got. They helped get the house ready to go on the market!! I think it is fairly clear how they feel!

OP posts:
ecuse · 28/07/2014 11:55

Not trying to be antagonistic but equally, you just refused to miss your DN's birthday party to make a date for your DHs birthday that both your DHs parents and brother could make. Your MIL could quite reasonably say that you're making it all about your family.

CoffeeTea103 · 28/07/2014 11:59

Sorry but regarding your DH birthday it seems like you were being the difficult one. Really I would like to hear their side of this issue.

CoffeeTea103 · 28/07/2014 12:00

Besides mon and Friday seems very awkward days for a get together so her suggestion of a Saturday sounds the most convenient. It's seems like you actually want control.

Bluebelljumpsoverthemoon · 28/07/2014 12:00

How are they supposed to know you want help when you haven't asked for it? Your husband asked his mother if she'd like to take a four hour bus ride to stay with you for a few days, not a particularly appealing offer and it's likely she thought you may not welcome that.

Yabvvvvu. To expect anybody to travel four hours to help you mind your three kids and two dogs is ridiculous. Not everybody loves dogs and many grandparents wouldn't be able to keep up with an active outdoors lifestyle.

She's not your servant, you're not entitled to have her at your beck and call, your kid broke her arm, it's serious enough to merit relatives to put their lives on hold for you.

Naturally any grandparent will be closer to the grandchild who lives near them. It's easy for her to babysit a local grandchild because he is there, no four hour journey and requirement to stay with demanding dil who thinks mil should be her servant.

Bowlersarm · 28/07/2014 12:00

And the post on their driveway issue you have. Surely OP you can see it has to be taken out for everyone coming and going, and not just you personally?

Bluebelljumpsoverthemoon · 28/07/2014 12:01

"It's not serious enough"

HauntedNoddyCar · 28/07/2014 12:04

Could your DH have a few days off work?

I agree with pp that it does sound like you are being awkward too. They may think that you've placed yourself distantly from them and it isn't a practical thing to do.

Mintyy · 28/07/2014 12:05

I think you need to accept that as your inlaws live 4 hours away you are not going to see them very often, and certainly not as often as their relatives who live close by. And they certainly don't seem to be the best candidates for emergency childcare either.

I don't understand what mil has done wrong re. dh's birthday, either.

aprilanne · 28/07/2014 12:07

inmyshoos .i understand you are a bit miffed .i have the same problem and my inlaws only live 3 miles away .they never took my children but watched hubby,s brothers 4 all the time .they make a massive diffrence at xmas and birthdays .but to be honest i would just ignore them .at least you don,t have to visit often being so far away .but cutting them from childrens life would look spiteful .to be honest if i never saw mine again i would not care .but i visit and smile because i refuse to be brought to there level .

Gen35 · 28/07/2014 12:10

Didn't anybody read the piece about them staying half an hour away and not visiting in the op? Sounds like an accretion of bad feelings over the years, I'm sure they understood you were asking for help too, even if it wasn't explicit. I hope the people saying it's out of the question to ask ILs for help as they live so far away understand what it's like to not actually have any help. That said op, I do think your dh is ultimately going to have to alter something at work to support you better.

Mintyy · 28/07/2014 12:13

"I hope the people saying it's out of the question to ask ILs for help as they live so far away understand what it's like to not actually have any help."

Rest assured, Gen. Dh and I had no help from our families as they all live too far away/are too old.

So if either of us or one of the children was seriously ill then the other had to take some time off work and ask for favours from friends.

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Gen35 · 28/07/2014 12:17

Fair enough mintyy, it's not an enviable state of affairs though. Didn't you find both of your careers took a bit as a result? But that's another topic!

inmyshoos · 28/07/2014 12:20

I absolutely do not expect my mil to be my servant. I never ask for help. For those who think i am being so unreasonable i doubt you know how it feels to be in a situation where there is no help even when you desperately need it. Dh and i never go out together. We just dont have that opportunity. Bil and sil go abroad while in laws have their kids.

My in laws came up with the son and his family when i gave biryh to my last baby. They baby sat for bil/sil to let them go out. Never offered to have our older ones. And the day i gave birth it was business as usual. I made dinner for us and dealt with all 3 kids and the dogs.
You have no idea how hard it is to hear no when you ask for help when you are desperate.

OP posts:
Mintyy · 28/07/2014 12:20

No damage to our careers.

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