to hate being single?

[Confusednamechange]

Only been separated a year (10 years with EXH). I hate being single and being on my own. In the week I'm so busy it doesn't bother me but the weekends :-(. The children are going to their dad's this afternoon and I can feel the dread looming. How do you learn to love being on your own? And any suggestions what I can do by myself that's cheap-ish. I've kinda become addicted to online dating and trying to wean myself off.
Thanks x

[londonrach]

You so lucky. You can whatever you want today without having to think of anyone else.

[superstarheartbreaker]

Look at the positives and remember why you separated:
No more jealousy or clingyness
No cleaning up after a man
Independance
Manage your own money
Wear what you want
Have casual sex and noone cares
See more friends and family
Read books in the evening
Take up new hobbies
No emotional abuse


Dd and I are going to Ibiza nxt wk. It is our 3rd holiday alone and they are great. We always meet lots of people there and we dont go on single parent holidays. We go with Thompsons like everyone else.
:

[superstarheartbreaker]

If your looking for cheapish take up a hobby like cycling etc. Dont rush into dating. Find yourself first.

[londonrach]

You can out for drinks or huge catch up with male or girl friends.... Toilet seat stays down, house is as you left it so no huge shoes to fall over, lots of positives. Tbh just be you and enjoy your children.

[mustbetimeforacreamtea]

Use it for "me time". Have a pamper session (home/salon/spa depending on budget), see a film that you want to see, have a mooch round the shops or do shopping that is always a pain with children in tow. Catch up with friends, volunteer to help out with a charity event. Take some time to think what you want from the future and how to achieve it.

There are loads of things you can do - relish being single. Take a married friend out for coffee/lunch and you'll soon realise how lucky you are.

[notaflamingclue]

In your shoes today I would:

1. Go to the gym, then have a swim after.
   
2. Make a lovely lunch and eat it outside.
   
3. Digest said lunch by reading a book in the sun.
   
4. Pop out for a mooch round the shops, have a coffee.
   
5. Have a nice cool bath then tart myself up.
   
6. Meet some friends for drinks / dinner.
   

I'm so jealous.

[whois]

Yes exercise is a nice cheap hobby - biking especially as you can keep going all day at a nice gentle pace so you can really get out and about and see some countryside. A nice pub lunch (or sandwiches somewhere beautiful) for food. Obviously you've got the cost of a bike.

Or hiking is a lower set up cost and easier to get it to places on the car or by train to start a walk.

Plenty of walking groups you can join too.

[brassbandstand]

Have to admit that while I wouldn't go so far as to say I hated it, it can be really hard spending every weekend completely on your own.

I then started doing some voluntary work at weekends - it's good :)

[TheGirlFromIpanema]

YABU

OD is not good if you are looking for ways to stop weekends becoming long/lonely. All the above suggestions are way more beneficial for you at this stage I would say.

[brassbandstand]

And I'm assuming all the people who are jealous are going to be divorcing their DHs then, if the OPs life is so enviable ...

Come on. It's not the worst thing in the world but it isn't ideal if you don't want it that is!

[OorWullie]

I am a single parent, I've been single for about 3 and a half years now, and have absolutely no desire to meet anyone, ever!

I love that I don't have to answer to anyone, I only need to think of DS and myself, there's no-one to argue with my decisions or poo-poo my plans.

DS' Dad doesn't see him so I don't often have whole weekends alone, but if DS is at nursery for the afternoon I take a book and sit outside a coffee shop and enjoy the peace and quiet, I like a wander round the shops without having to chase him around, or i meet friends or my mum for lunch. If I wasn't so self concious I'd go swimming, but I took up running and I love that. Sometimes I just get the weekly shop done in peace.

I'm not very exciting really, but on the downtime i get O just like to relax and do things that usually end up in DS getting fed up and running me in circles.

[CatKisser]

Singledom is great! This afternoon, when the kids have gone, jump in the car (no pissing about with car seats!) and go for a long drive with the music up and the windows down.
Stop at anything that takes your fancy - pub garden for a diet coke? Farm shop for some overpriced treats?

[mustbetimeforacreamtea]

brass people stay married for lots of reasons - social/family pressure, lack of self confidence, finances, religious beliefs etc. Doesn't mean they can't be jealous of single friends or that it will lead to divorce.

Being single can be difficult but it does have huge advantages as superstar has listed.

[gordyslovesheep]

blimey it's fine to be jealous of the OP having a bit of time child free - it doesn't equate to wanting to be single

OP you have to find a way to turn it into a positive - as people have suggested. I have been single for 5 years now and I wouldn't change it for the world. I have tried a couple of times but I find the demands of being with someone too bloody waring - I enjoy my own company and the freedom of doing my own thing

It's hard I know because actually what I would have liked is my family all together - and I miss the kids when that aren't here but you have all this time to do what you want - so do it

I watch crap TV, read, lie in, go to the gym, decorate, go out with friends, stay in with friends, go away over night - make the most of the time you have x

[brassbandstand]

Fair enough but it can be difficult when you want a moan about being single and people just keep saying you're lucky - in fairness the reverse wouldn't happen (someone complaining about a husband or boyfriend would not get 'oh you're so lucky I wouldn't complain if I had a DP ...')

The other problem is money. When you have to provide all your entertainment and stimulation through going our and socialising it's VERY expensive!

[CatKisser]

The other problem is money. When you have to provide all your entertainment and stimulation through going our and socialising it's VERY expensive!
I absolutely agree with that. I know I advised the OP to go on a nice solo drive, but I must admit, I've had to postpone that idea before as I coudn't afford the petrol.

[brassbandstand]

And also, being single can be more expensive generally. Mortgages, bills, and so on cost the same as two people but have to come out of one salary don't start me off on having to pay for half a non existent person for council tax!

It is undoubtedly preferable being single than being stuck in an unhappy relationship, but I have struggled with loneliness and isolation at times in the past, I have to admit, and the adage about 'having too much of a good thing' definitely applies here!

Although my friend is manager of a nursing agency. I work full time and it's quite a demanding role but they were so short staffed of carers at one point I offered was begged to stand in at weekends. It wasn't long before I found myself longing for peace and quiet and TIME to be bored! So I do see 'where people are coming from' as they say - but I think it is fair to acknowledge singleness isn't always fluffy white sheets and sipping expensive coffee in the mornings of a sun drenched garden either.

[Xenadog]

Being single when you don't want to be is horrible and it seems the world is coupled up with you as the only single one. However I do think staying away from OD is good as it is early days since you split with your ex.

If I were you, this afternoon I would go off to a coffee shop, sit outside, people watch and read a trashy magazine. I'd be taking my time over a fancy coffee and just enjoy the me time.

As for learning to enjoy your time on your own, well I think you need to find out (rediscover?) the things you like. So try new hobbies, do volunteering, visit galleries or museums which you couldn't with the kids and kind of date yourself - if that makes sense?

Good luck and enjoy your afternoon.

[Birdsgottafly]

""blimey it's fine to be jealous of the OP having a bit of time child free - it doesn't equate to wanting to be single ""

That's what the OP has to work out.

If she is getting used to having child free time, or she wants another adult that she is romantically involved with, to do things with.

There is a big difference.

Keeping busy isn't going to help, if you need the sharing nature of a relationship.

I am happily single, if my friends were more available, I would be happier.

I don't have many adults that I can share things with, that's what I missed when my DH died, even though I've had relationships since, I haven't had that closeness.

I lost a couple of good friends, one through alcoholism, the other I stopped mixing with because of drug use.

It isn't easy to make close friends when you are older.

Most men 45+ are piss takers, so, for that reason, I will remain single.

I'm at a stage were in re-evaluating things.

As said, you need to pin point what you actually want.

[Birdsgottafly]

Just to add, being out on your own, when you are feeling as the OP is, is shit.

All you need is to catch a few remarks about you being on your own (and people/couples do make comments) and it's soul destroying.

[brassbandstand]

Gosh birds I am sorry to hear about your DH.

I have to admit one of the things that popped into my mind was that if the OP had been widowed I wouldn't think people would have responded with the how great singleness is mantra - but we don't know if the divorce was wanted or instigated by the OP.

I know some people are relieved when they divorce but most (I think) have some complex feelings to get through as well - which can really be heightened by a lonely weekend. Especially a sunny one where the world seems to be full of happy people doing happy things and it used to make me feel very sad. It doesn't now - but it used to. So I do understand x

[brassbandstand]

Birds again I am agreeing with you.

Two years ago I found myself in a very lovely place in Pembrokeshire (it was to tend to a property my late father owned) and because of a train muddle and time of arrival I wanted something nice to eat - not a burger or chips - and because of this time of arrival the supermarkets were shut. So I went to a restaurant on my own.

Never. Again! it was awful. The (kindly meant) comments and questioning - 'you're on your own? Completely alone? No one meeting you?' just made me cringe. I had my Kindle but honestly I've never felt so conspicuous in my life (which is ironic as I was sitting quietly while other people roared around me but still.)

It sounds easy - but it is not!

[Birdsgottafly]

When you have young children, you tend to have "mummy friends" that you can usually arrange something with.

My youngest is 16, a Goth (the recent thread about the poor Goths suffering in the sunshine made me laugh), she refuses to leave the house, even with sun block on.

When you get to this age, it's a matter of luck if you have anyone available.

The "Giants" were in Liverpool yesterday, ten minutes away from were I live, but I would of been the saddo on my own, amongst crowds of people.

I'm lucky, I have a Granddaughter due in December, that I can drag about with me in the future.

Otherwise I would be looking towards voluntary work again.

But if you want a emotional commitment, that still wouldn't solve it.

[FloozeyLoozey]

You just get used to it and after awhile it becomes the norm, rather than a good thing or a bad thing specifically.

[Confusednamechange]

Thanks everyone. Someone said 'emotional closeness', that's exactly what I miss. Divorce was/is very amicable but that still makes it hard. Remembering the life that was meant to be. Everyone around me is busy with their own families. I've been to waitrose and got some nice dinner. Going to settle in with a book. It's learning to live a different life to the one I expected x