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AIBU?

to worry about what it's like to go from one dc to two?

29 replies

bluebeanie · 25/07/2014 23:28

Dd is 10 months. Love her to bits. Starting to contemplate ttc a second dc in the new year or so. I don't feel I'm 'done' yet with babies.

I work a compressed week so get Fridays off to be with Dd. Not for everyone, but a good balance for us. Dh works usual full time week. Dd is in an excellent nursery that she clearly loves for 4 days a week.

Pre dd I thought I was very career driven. Now I'm not so sure. I like where I currently am. It isn't amazing money, but it isn't too bad. I'm just not that motivated to push myself at the moment. When I mention to friends and family about the possibility of a second in the not too distant future I am met with comments about it being the end of my career/free time.

I guess I'd like to know what the truth is about going from one to two children please? We could cover all outgoings and child care with little else for the early years on our current salaries with two dc. Is it harder to juggle things when dc are at school rather than nursery? I can still get to the odd gym session and weekend away visiting friends with one. Does that stop with two dc? I truly hope I don't come across as self centred. Dh and I are the same in that we are both introverts and need some space for ourselves and currently achieve that balance. I guess I'm a bit scared of losing the happy balance we have at the moment, but don't want to miss out on having another dc.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 25/07/2014 23:34

It's harder, much harder. But, for us, gym sessions /social life has remained same- one out, one in, same as before.
But, the best noise in the whole world ever, is to hear my two giggling away together.

Ponkernonsir · 25/07/2014 23:41

What if your next one is twins?

todayiamfat · 25/07/2014 23:47

0 to 1 was lovely, calm and bloody wonderful.
1-2 although I can now say is also lovely, was also fucking amazingly hard. Both still under 5, but I found it tough. And I was one of those annoying women that found pfb a piece of piss.

Coughle · 25/07/2014 23:47

I've got a 3 year old and a 1 year old. Two dc is much easier than one, for us. We are much better now at balancing everyone's needs whereas with only one child I tended to put him first all the time and was constantly burned out.

Also when my oldest child was one, it was such hard work to entertain him. Now DS2 just copies ds1 or watches while we play. And the two play together while I get a few things done (not often, but as they get older this will be much easier).

Of course some things are harder and I don't love the sleep deprivation, but on the whole being a two child family has been the best thing ever for us.

AgentZigzag · 25/07/2014 23:51

There's a 9 year gap between our DDs, (which throws up a whole set of different problems to only a year or two gap), but it's (mostly) easier second time round because you've kind of got a handle on WTF's going on, and babies are easier than a DC who's mobile/can answer back/get into things.

Plus you've got the big things you need for them already, when they're older they can go off an play/fight together, if you're going to have another at some point best get it over with it's good when they're closer in age IMO (although that bit didn't work out for us)

What does your DH think? How much free time you get will depend on how good he is at pitching in.

BackforGood · 25/07/2014 23:53

Depends on the child(ren)
I was completely knocked for 6 by dc1. I'd go so far as to say traumatised.
In comparison, I found dc2 made hardly any difference at all. MUCH easier.
But I suppose if you've had an easy baby for dc1, and you get the ...er...more challenging one for dc2, then it's going to be different.

bluebeanie · 26/07/2014 00:06

Thanks for your responses so far ladies. Dh is very involved and hands on. His dad wasn't and he didn't want to be like that.

Dd was a true nightmare for the first 5 months. Colic, needed rocking to sleep etc. I developed PND that needed help to shift. However, we turned a corner and then it got a lot easier very quickly.

Re twins. It is a larger than average possibility as my dh's dm was a non-identical twin which I believe is hereditary. However, in the scheme of things, multiple births are still in the minority. That's a whole other kettle of fish which we would approach should it happen.

OP posts:
Valsoldknickers · 26/07/2014 00:10

It is harder work of course and can be quite overwhelming at times. I remember having two in nappies for a good few months and it seemed endless.

The two little maggots are now a bit older and are such good pals I have no regrets at all.

YANBU to worry but anything worthwhile in this life takes effort and that includes children!!

Scrumbled · 26/07/2014 00:17

There is no truth Smile

It all depends on the children, you, the father, minute detail of job issues at the time, friends, family blah bah blah and it changes all the time.

Personally, in many ways I Found it easier with a second. I gave up work when my first 1.5, there's around a 3.5 year gap between them. When the second was born I had a daily routine getting the eldest to pre school, then school. The baby had to fit into it and it was nice for me to have a schedule. It made it easier that from birth, yes from birth, that the second was a sleeper. It's the way he was and I got lucky.

I did return to work and we've had all kinds of difficulties and easy perIods. We couldn't plan for any of it.

We've been through many stages. Infant age child try to prove he can look after a baby. Oh no this new toddler is making his mark on the older child's space and he doesn't like it. Oh how sweet they can both play together. Oh dear god, they're both competing.

We now have a teen and a 9 year old. The teen is starting to get that he can't survive on belittling and sarcasm alone. The 9 year has learnt well from his master. The teen now has moments of inspiration where he realises it's better to get that strange little person on side.

stopgap · 26/07/2014 00:33

It definitely depends on the children, and on your personal situation.

DS1 had silent reflux for a year, didn't nap, screamed all day, super high needs etc. but he has been mostly fantastic since DS2 was born six months ago. DS2 is a dream baby, pleasant, smiley and sleeps well.

It depends on your age, of course, but I think that a three-year gap is perfect, not least because your first will likely be toilet trained, in preschool to give you a break if you decide to go part-time, and be able to entertain themselves for longish periods. My eldest turns three next month, and things are definitely getting easier, but I might have stretched that 2.5 gap between them a bit, had I known about toilet training with a newborn etc. etc.

JourneyingAlong · 26/07/2014 00:40

It was a nightmare for the first 6 months, bearable for the next 6 months, ok after that and a complete wonder and so glad I did after about 2 years....

It really really was tough. 3 years is an ideal gap though. Childcare/parents would have made it easier.

MairyHoles · 26/07/2014 01:57

I have 3. I found going from 1 to 2 harder than I expected (3 year age gap). IME it's more than doubly hard. There is 15 months between my younger sons and at the moment it's a nightmare (ages 3 and almost 2) - they fight constantly and always need to have what the other has. Lots have people have told me it's because they're so close in age and it will get better. To be honest, this week has been awful, my elder child was being nipped on the leg by a friends puppy and the younger one barged him out of the way to stick his leg in the puppy's mouth to be the same. If I didn't laugh I would cry. If I were to have another I would certainly leave another year between them, so maybe the age gap makes a difference rather than the amount of children? (Least helpful post ever)

MrsAtticus · 26/07/2014 02:11

I has DS2 when DS1 was 3 years old. So far it's great, the age gap seems to have worked well and it's quite calm. I do feel it's harder to do things with 2 kids in tow, but DS1 will often go with his dad for some boy time and I'll meet friends with just baby.

Sapat · 26/07/2014 02:34

Going from 0-1 was very hard, but DD had colic, reflux, the lot. I remember DH once shouting this is a bloody mistake, this child is ruining our life. Turned out DD was also on the autism spectrum which still makes life difficult, so I would say it also depends on your baby.

Going from 1-2 was easy, DS1 was a very placid baby, as is DS2 which had also made 2-3 fine (so far). Am on maternity leave at the mo, but plan to go back to work full time as I did after each child (took a year). At the moment I think the success lies in the gap between kids: DD is 6, DS1 4, DS2 10 weeks. This meant we were out of the baby age before the new baby arrived, each child independent but we still had all the kit and children can play together. It is school holidays at the moment, the older two play (argue) with each other a lot so that I can look after the baby reasonably well and don't feel antagonised by the baby's arrival or needs.

A lot of my friends, especially working ones who did not have age on their side went for the less than 2 years gap. To my mind they suffered a lot because they basically had two babies with very different needs, one going though the terrible twos and a newborn. They needed a double buggy whereas I just had a buggy board for a few weeks, the first still needed a lot of attention, maybe did not even know how to walk yet, the stress of feeding a newborn with a toddler putting fingers in plugs, or taking an hour to eat lunch. Makes breastfeeding difficult. We also had one year with two at nursery full time and it wiped out my entire salary, that was hard so I was glad it was not longer. Though Nursery is much easier as you get 10-12 hour days of Childcare all year round, which gives you great flexibility. This said, once kids are older they will probably be closer, I am very aware that when DC3 is 4 the other two will be 8 and 10, so not really into the same games, and when DD starts Uni the youngest will just have started secondary school.

Having children has not been the end of my career, I actually got promoted after my second child when I applied for a more senior position. My boss expressed surprise I wanted more responsibility, my response was that this showed how serious I was about work. To be honest, having two rather than one makes no difference, it is having the first that has made it a bit trickier because I needed more flexibility. Of course I can't be as driven as I would like and but as far as I am concerned I have another 30 years of working, my career will pick up again when kids are older as long as I keep it ticking along nicely. I am the only woman in my team with children, so as far as I am concerned, I am lucky, having my career and my kids.

As for social life, yes, having more than one makes it difficult because when they are young you can't eat out in restaurants with them and few friends can welcome a family of 4 or 5 easily. Personally since having our first, we don't have the time, energy, spare cash to go out, so we don't.

When I work I do the school run every morning and come home late 3 days a week (like 9 pm as I commute to London) so DH does the Childcare. I work from home one day a week and pick up kids from school another day so basically am home for kids two days a week so I cook and do the Childcare while DH goes to the gym after work. Saturday mornings he takes DS1 to football and then the shops, I take DD to ballet and cook lunch. I take all the kids Saturday Afternoon so he gets a break, he takes them Sunday morning so I get one, and we do something as a family Sunday afternoon. It is a bit staggered and ships in the night but it sort of works. The only thing we don't manage is the housework, I do all of it but badly, DH does none so house is a tip, so I really want to get a cleaner when I go back to work because weekends are chores central and it does mean that kids get a bit neglected. Just keeping on top of laundry for a family of 5 and making sure all uniforms & book bags are ready, homework is done and lunches packed every day is a task!

PorridgeBrain · 26/07/2014 06:20

As others have said, it very much depends on temperament of children, sounds like you have had an easy first child, I don't consider either of mine to have been easy but am starting to come out of the other side in that respect (7 and 4) so you need to be prepared that dd2 may be harder.

Temperament aside, in terms of balance of time, in one sense 2 are harder because most of the time if one is not being demanding of attention, the other one is, or both demanding at same time :). On the other hand, there are many times they are playing together where if they didn't have a sibling, they would be demanding of my time.

In terms of work (also do compressed hours), having 2 hasn't made a difference. Starting school has also been fine, I didn't change my hours when dd1 started school because I have a CM who picks up when I am working and covers the same hours in the holidays. Most schools have after school and breakfast clubs if no CM but you'll have to cover school holidays, inset days etc etc. yourself, there are holiday clubs though. I know many people adjust hours when children go to school to do school hours but over 5 days but you can only really do that when both at school but doesn't work well for me as have a longish commute.

My 2nd is about to start school in Sep so I am yet to see what difference that makes. The only challenges I foresee is that our school invites parents in during the day lots throughout the year and it has been hard trying to attend with work so pressure of this will increase with 2 (you don't have to attend but I want to be there for them and so do dd's). Also next year, I will be juggling two diff schools for a couple of years but I will find a way to manage it. Also juggling two lots of extra curricular activities will be harder.


Hope that helps

gimcrack · 26/07/2014 06:30

Ds1 had colic and cried unless held. So 0-1 was hard . 1-2 was easy. Ds2 was a very easy baby and ds1 was brilliant with him. There's a three year age gap, so only one in nappies and the eldest could help out.

Now they're friends, they play together and it feels right that they have each other.

Mumof3xox · 26/07/2014 06:40

It all depends of course on yourself, your dp, your support system and of course the dc in question

We have three

I found 0-1 and 1-2 fairly easy going

It was 2-3 I struggled with more, and some days still do as the little one is very demanding

my2centsis · 26/07/2014 06:46

I found going from one to two cd very difficult. Dc2 had colic and is/was a very bad sleeper. I really struggled.

christmashope · 26/07/2014 07:42

I found going from 0-1 was really tough, my pfb had colic and I thought that it was never going to get better! 15 months later his brother arrived and maybe it's cause I was a lot more laid back but so is my second boy.
Now seeing them together is amazing.. I could sit and listen to their chat all day (they are 8&9 now)

LST · 26/07/2014 08:08

I had an easy DS1. Then he turned 2 when I was pregnant and it all went tits up from there really Grin

Ds1 is a major terrible twos contender and DS2 requires constant attention. very whingy little baby and now he's 6mo he refuses all food and like to squeal.... very loudly if he is left for a fraction of a second...

chanie44 · 26/07/2014 08:26

I was lucky because dc2 was a much easier baby to deal with than dc1. I learned a lot from having dc1, so things were easier the second time around.

The thing that helped the most was that OH has always been very hands on with the children and so when dc2 came along, dc2 didn't feel neglected as he had Daddy around if I needed to see to the baby.

chanie44 · 26/07/2014 08:26

Sorry, it should read

Dc1 didn't feel neglected

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babybythesea · 26/07/2014 08:34

I found going from 0-1 easy. DD1 was a dream baby and developed her own little routine so life was laid back and fun. Going from 1-2 was harder. Suddenly there was no 'sleep when the baby sleeps' as that was the time I now needed to spend time playing with Dd1. And somehow, round the (slightly harder) baby, and the older one who wanted my time, I had to Fit housework, life etc.
I have a 4 year gap. DD2 is now 15 months and it is very hard at the moment. Not because either of them are particularly hard, because they aren't. But what they need and want is wildly different. When we go to the playground, DD2 toddles off and tries to escape or climb things she can't really manage so I have to chase her while DD1 shouts 'Please can you push me, why don't you push me on the swing any more?' Or we go to a little adventure park near us but DD2 can't go not the rides DD1 wants to go on. So if I'm on my own with them, we can't do any of it because I can't let DD1 go on her own, or leave Dd2 unattended. But DD1 doesn't enjoy the stuff aimed at DD2. And if we stay home, DD1 wants to do her elaborate craft projects or Lego, which DD2 just trashes, but still wants to be involved in and screams if you do something without her. It's fine when DD1 is at school, but as DH has no time off this summer, the next six weeks are going to be long....

pukkabo · 26/07/2014 08:41

As others said completely depends on the child and on you so you won't actually know until you do it.

For me 0-1 and 2-3 were the hardest adjustments. 1-2 was the easiest. DC1 had colic from the second he was born, he just screamed practically every hour of the day and I had terrible PND. Very traumatic delivery too which didn't help matters, I found it really difficult to bond with him until he was around 3 months old and the colic died down, he started giggling and I saw a personality.

I bonded well with DC2, she was the easiest baby of the three and DC1 has always been a gentle soul so he never had any issues with her at all. They just worked together and got along well, I loved watching them play. DC3 was the 'accident' Wink and definitely the hardest. Toughest baby, juggling three seemed IMPOSSIBLE at first and sometimes still does tbh, I always wish I had a robotic third arm.

They're very close in age though, only 2 and half years separating DC1 and DC3. The older they get the easier it's getting although the fighting is starting and that is fun... If DC2 had been like DC3 I wouldn't have DTD with DH ever again just to avoid any slip ups Grin. My DM always says if she'd had DB first she'd never have had another.

RoganJosh · 26/07/2014 08:45

Don't worry about twins on your DH's side, it's passed down the female side. It's whether you produce two eggs when you ovulate.

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