to ask my mum not to let herself in to our house when we are not in?

[InnerSpace88]

She sometimes comes in either to 'drop something off' (never urgent) or 'borrow' something (without asking). She knows we are not in (although has on occasion woken my partner who is asleep after working late) or waits until we are on holiday. I have asked her before not to do it some years ago (and to ring the bell before letting herself in when we ARE there!). She had a paddy but it blew over and she continued to do it. I have now asked her again not to do it when it is not planned or expected. She looks after our children once a week and OF COURSE she can come in with them, that is not in question - I made that very clear. She has flipped out - said she will never come in the house again, thrown our keys in the door and said she cannot look after the children for the 3 days arranged this summer holiday. She says she is going to move away and said I am over controlling. She does not seem to care that she is throwing away her time with her grandchildren. Have I been unreasonable? Or is her reaction a bit mad??!

Part of me feels relieved (a. to have stood up to her and b. to have our keys back!) and part of me feels so sad for our girls, even though they know her mood can be unpredictable. Mostly just feel hugely angry that she can be so toddler-like, having a tantrum because someone has given her a boundary. In her mind it's always everyone else's fault. Grrr. Other than that I'm having a lovely summer holiday with my beautiful family :-)

[ThinkIveBeenHacked]

YANBU at all!

Seriously. Sort some official childcare so she doesnt have that "over" you. Keep those keys she threw at you and she can be invited in or not just like other guests.

[BigbyWolf]

You are definitely not being unreasonable.
Her reaction is absolutely nutty a bit mad.
Personally, I wouldn't let her have a key again.

[morethanpotatoprints]

She IBVU, she knew you had to let her have a key for when she cares for your children and she took advantage.
However, you must know what she's like, her toddler tantrums and you leave your dc with her?
I think she will calm down, not want to miss out on her gc and be happy to be a part of your family.
If you don't want her in your house though, you will need to change the locks as she could have copies and/or not allow her to let the dc in the house, which will be difficult if she is minding them.

[Dazedconfused]

YANBU at all!!! No one should go in your house uninvited. My mum occasionally drops things in but she always phones first to check it is okay or if one of us will be in.

[ithoughtofitfirst]

Yikes. I saw this happen on the kardashians once.

Don't let it get to you. It's her issue. Yanbu.

[JellyBabiesSaveLives]

She doesn't think she is throwing away time with her gcs though - she is expecting you to grovel.

She is behaving like a toddler, so treat her bad behaviour as you would a toddlers' - ignore it. Ignore the strops, keep the keys, reorganise your childcare, refuse to engage with her if she phones to moan at you. Eventually she'll realise she is missing out, and will probably come waltzing back pretending nothing happened.

Just don't give her keys again ...

[0pheliaBalls]

She said YOU were being 'over controlling'?! I'd suggest her nasty emotional blackmail and insistence on being able to wander into your (empty) home whenever she pleases sounds like VERY controlling behaviour.

YANBU.

[AnotherGirlsParadise]

She sounds mental highly-strung. I agree with ignoring her toddler-like behaviour - don't indulge the silly woman and let her sweat it out. And for the love of everything that is holy, keep hold of your keys!

[AtSea1979]

I'm guessing you have a reason why you don't want her in your house. My parents have keys and it wouldn't bother me if I came home and found them here, having said this they never have and always ring the bell if they know DP is here, though not sure what they are expecting to find!

[capsium]

I would give her chance to calm down and forget about things. Maybe arrange a nice truce type if meal out. Then give her the key back but also do one of two things, either,

Fit an additional lock. You can give her one set of keys, for one of the locks and if you have arranged for her to come round only lock that lock.
If she asks what is going on, you tell her about the additional security lock that is so great but you only use it if you are out all day and she doesn't need this key.

Get a burglar alarm that is very complicated, moan about it a bit. Say that you won't set if if you know she is coming round to look after DC but will if you are out all day, on holiday etc.

[meltedmonterayjack]

YANBU. You are an adult with a family of your own. Just because she's your mother doesn't give her the right to come and go as she pleases, unless you have said something on the lines of "Just come in when you need to Mum. It's fine with me and DH/DP"

If you've not said something like that then it's not on to come in when she wishes, mother or not.

I can't imagine just letting myself into my dd's house even if I did look after her dc unless she'd made it clear she was perfectly comfortable with it and was happy for me to do it.

[ShadowFall]

YANBU.

It's bad manners to let yourself into someone else's home without their knowledge or permission.

My parents and PIL's both have keys to our house, and they've never let themselves in without either checking we're okay with it or us inviting them to let themselves in. Equally, DH and I have keys to their houses and don't go letting ourselves in whenever we feel like it. It's common courtesy.

[Mrsgrumble]

Mine doesn't have the keys, or my landline number for that matter. She was too intrusive. Once, when her phone broke she came and took mine. She said no one ever rings me

So when I moved, I gave her neither. End of. I didn't make an issue of it at the time but it was ten years ago.

[FrankSaysNo]

Do you have keys to her house? I certainly never handed my keys back when I left home, it always remained my home until my parents died, despite being grown up, married with children. Ditto MILs house. Dh always had a key and MIL made me a key. Both sets of parents had keys to our house.

That said, unless a specific reason (one or other of the dads doing DIY etc) neither would have let themselves in willy-nilly. Conversely DH and I would let ourselves in without knocking to our old homes.

It depends on your relationship with your parents. I think it quite odd to isolate family, and a MN phenomenon. I dont know anyone who doesn't have a reciprocal set of house keys with their parents (or neighbours).

[capsium]

Off course, I actually think she is overstepping the boundaries too.

However I think she would probably love to think you wouldn't mind at all and also feels quite guilty for overstepping but because she would prefer you didn't mind is using this to vindicate her actions. She may feel bad also about being snoopy but compelled if she worries or feels you hide things from her.Not many people like taking the blame.

This is why I would let her calm down, make it up and be nice but also act to prevent this in the future. Don't want to tempt her to cross the line again.

[ModreB]

I came home from work one day and found my DM sitting having tea and cakes in my front room, with her friend who I had never met before.

She had arranged to meet her at my house, without asking me, as it was half way between her house and her friends house.

She was very put out when I made it clear that I wasn't happy and would take her key away if she did it again.

[2rebecca]

We live distantly so don't have keys to each others houses unless we are staying with each other. If relatives did live near by I wouldn't expect them to use the key to my house unless they needed to.
I also have a key to my ex's house for dropping the kids off, picking their stuff off if he's at work, now they are teenagers that's less necessary although they are more careless with keys than me. He also has a key for here.
If I ever let myself in for anything unrelated to the kids when he wasn't expecting me to go in the house I'd lose the key and vv. having a key to someone's house is a privilege and should only be used with the householders' knowledge not for the key holder's convenience.
Your mother doesn't respect your boundaries so doesn't deserve a key to your house. I'd find alternative childcare as she obviously sees it as a favour to you not something she wants to do.

[deakymom]

i used to have keys to my mom's house i never went there without asking her first why would i its her house!

my mil on the other hand took total advantage when she had a key it wasn't even her key it was my daughters she didn't return it kept saying she "needed it" to feed the cats (with my daughter) we only asked her to feed them once she kept going in day after day while we were up the hospital rearranging things and washing things and generally wreaking havoc never again! i told my DH NEVER AGAIN! we have no pets now except a few fish we went on holiday and he was all for her having a key and just removing the fuses so she couldn't use the house i pointed out she would probably call an electrician and charge us for the privilege we got a feeding block instead

never give a family member a key unless they know what a "boundary" is

[Goldmandra]

The tantrum is an effort to prevent you ever saying anything about it again because she wants to be allowed to continue.

I've lived with this behaviour all my life and no longer allow it to control me.

If you give her the key back she will do it again whenever she feels like it and you will be far less willing to object for fear of another outburst.

YANBU but she isn't going to stop. Don't give her the key back and don't rely on her for childcare. Obviously don't stop her seeing them but don't mix it up with favours to you.

Don't question yourself any further. She IBU and very much wants to continue.

[hamptoncourt]

YANBU

I agree with PP that you need to get some alternative childcare in place so you aren't dependent on her in future.

Don't give her they keys back!!

[Floralnomad]

If she knows you don't like it then YANBU, but I do find it a bit odd . I have keys to my mums and let myself in whenever and she has keys to mine and I'm happy for her to do likewise ,it's never been an issue . Sometimes if she has to wait for me to get home she will even do some cleaning !

[nauticant]

Only think about letting her have a key again if, unprompted, you get a full and sincere apology from her in which she promises not to snoop around your house again in the future.

[PleaseJustShootMeNow]

YANBU

I had a similar issue with my dad. The final straw was when he was on his way home from a night shift (4.00am) and decided to let himself in so he could leave me some money he owed me. So I wake up in the dark, a single woman who lived alone, to find a man stood over me in my bedroom. He didn't get it at all, as he was only leaving the money on my bedside table so I'd see it when I woke up. If I'd had a gun I would have shot him.

[ChoosandChipsandSealingWax]

I'm with capsium was going to suggest the extra lock but also loving the 'very complicated' burglar alarm - inspired!

Yes YANBU, and I expect if you give her the keys back she'll just go back to her Ways.

My parents have keys but have never once let themselves in without letting me know first (wouldn't mind at all if they needed to, but they don't pisstake so it's not an issue).

[ChoosandChipsandSealingWax]

floral the difference is that yours doesn't pisstake, snoop around or nick your stuff without asking. Of course then it's not an issue.