to not let my ds contact my dd unless through me

[smilersmummy]

Long story, sorry if this is rambling a little, but ds is narcissist and only contacts me/my dds on her own terms and for her own ends. We have a history of on and off estrangement stretching back to our teens and are now in our forties. She has no children, I have two girls.

Ds is unstable, borderline alcoholic, and has not ever been a constant in both my dds lives (aged eight and fifteen now). The eldest especially remembers all the broken promises, visits arranged and then cancelled by ds with no notice, and our last estrangement lasted four years, which eldest dd said was fine by her!

I am now reluctantly back in touch with ds after my df died earlier this year, and she is still unstable and unpredictable. She came to eldest dds birthday meal after drinking for three hours prior to meeting us, and her idea of a relationship with me is endless texts at all hours, and she will only see me or our dm if and when it suits her, rarely in both cases. This is fine by me as it keeps her at arms length tbh.

Ds is blocked from mine and dds facebook pages but has now asked for dds mobile number to contact her directly. I am really not happy with this and nor is my dh, my dd is really not keen either. So, AIBU to not allow this, and any ideas at all how I manage it without ds going off the deep end at me, as is likely!!!

[TheXxed]

Is 'ds' your son?

[smilersmummy]

oops sorry, new to this, ds is dsis?! does that make more sense??

[TheSameBoat]

I'm guessing DS = DSis

[TheXxed]

In that case YANBU

[gobbynorthernbird]

Dsis?

[Montegomongoose]

and she is still unstable and unpredictable. She came to eldest dds birthday meal after drinking for three hours prior to meeting us

Why are you still in contact?

You know she won't change unless she wants to, and you're just setting yourself and your family up for more drunksn chaos.

Go NC again for your own mental health and peace.

You are not responsible for her. At all.

Good luck and I hope it all works out for you.

[SaucyJack]

It's fine to say no. Block her number on your phone if she starts sending abusive texts.

Is she likely to come to your house to cause trouble?

[trashcanjunkie]

I wouldn't worry if she's gonna go off it, tbh you are much better off without her. Sorry.

[gobbynorthernbird]

YANBU, but I think you will just have to suck up the fallout. Let is all go straight over your head, or learn to tune her out. Good luck.

[Mumoftwoyoungkids]

I'm guessing sister. I was confused too.

No YANBU to protect your children from their horrible aunty. I think at 15 the big one has some say but you said she isn't keen. How you do it though without causing problems I'm not sure.

[sunbathe]

I wouldn't give her the number. She doesn't need it, does she?

One of my dc won't give their mobile number to their sibling, as they text them all the time. Dc says they're annoying!

[TheSameBoat]

YANBU. I hate selfish narcissistic people and your DD doesn't need that in her life.

I would give no excuses, simply say "I'd rather not".

[HowardTJMoon]

Absolutely not unreasonable. No realistic chance of doing it without her "going off the deep end" at you so you might as well just say "No" and leave it at that. You need to act in the best interests of your children and fuck anyone who thinks they are entitled to a relationship with your kids and who then messes them around like this.

[CuttingOutTheCrap]

dd is really not keen either She's 15, so old enough to decide if she's not happy for her aunt to contact her directly. She's isn't, so that would be enough in my book, but YANBU at all to limit/stop contact in the circumstances you describe.

[Mercythompson]

You can't prevent her going off in the deep end. All you can do is protect your daughter. Especially since she doesn't want her to have the number.

[Viviennemary]

Under the circumstances you would be right not to want contact betweeen your DD and your Dsis unless you can oversee it. So unless your DD is making a fuss and wants to be in contact with her aunt there isn't an issue here at all. The very fact your sister is going off the deep end about it is a massive red flag in any case.

[smilersmummy]

so sorry for the confusion, new to posting on here, dsis it is, and thanks so much for the general consensus of agreement, I feel like I am being really mean but my instinct is to keep her well away!

I am in a bind over it though as my lovely df died recently and my dm is in such a state, they were together sixty years, and I think going back to nc with my dsis, while I would prefer it, would be really hard for my dm at the moment. I guess also I am just scared of dsis and the likely fallout.

I just wonder how on earth to deflect this, it seems whatever I do there will be fireworks. So far I have just ignored the text requesting this, she sent it this morning.....

[WhereTheWildlingsAre]

Just say no!
Be truthful, blunt but kind.

[AMumInScotland]

I think you just have to take a deep breath and say "No" and accept the fact that she's going to create about it.

You can't always deflect trouble with people like this, much as you'd like to, and the more you tiptoe around trying to make things better the more effort and stress you put yourself into, without changing them in the slightest.

You're not being mean, you're protecting your 15yo from the kind of grief you've been getting for years. You'd be 'mean' if you gave your DDs mobile to someone she doesn't want to have to deal with.

[ThinkFirst]

YANBU. You are under no obligation to facilitate a relationship between your DD and your sis when your DD has said she's not interested, especially when your sis is a flaky, unstable narc.

Unfortunately you will probably have to take the flack, as the only other options would be to involve your DD (passing on the no or giving sis's no to your DD and leaving it up to DD to contact sis) which is not advisable.
You could ignore this txt and hope she doesn't bother again, but if she does, say no!