Ok NC for this, kind of sensitive topic and the amount I post it would definitely out me.
A bit of background info here - me and dc's father have been split for a few years, he was abusive, an alcoholic, on drugs and refused to work. Things got that bad that he doesn't actually know one of his children (split while pregnant and he's had no contact with them or me since.)
Dc are still toddlers, don't know their father and have never had a desire to know their father. But the past two weeks he has gotten in contact with me again. I received an email from him saying how he is clean of alcohol and drugs, he's going to counselling to deal with his anger and he's now working. He said how sorry he was for everything he had put me through, how he had no idea how to make it right but he hoped I had found some peace and happiness away from him. He said he knew it was too late for us to fix things but he needed to know if it was too late for him to have a relationship with his children.
And my first reaction was "you b***d, you put me through hell, put me in hospital, drank and smoked away their first years and you want to know them now?!? When we're finally happy and settled?!?" I might have cried a bit, might have wanted to chuck the computer out the window, might have swore blind that he'd never see his children so long as I lived. None of that I said to him though. Once I calmed down I began to think about it.
And finally I decided that if he really had changed, if he could prove he was able to be a decent dad and a decent human then who am I to say no? The children deserve a chance to know their father no matter what he had done in the past.
Eventually I emailed him back saying yes, but he had to take it slow. He's seemed keen, we've exchanged a couple of phone calls and he spoke with the children, he's being patient and understanding that I am not ready for the children to meet him yet, that I won't be ready for him to spend alone time with them for a while, that I need to trust him myself before I trust the children with him.
Except my family and friends (who know what he was like) are telling me I'm crazy, that I must have every screw loose to even consider letting him in their life and mine. I've had both friends and family threaten to turn their backs on me if I go ahead with it.
But surely if he's able to be a decent dad and make the kids happy, love them the way I do and not just in the flippant "oh, my kids I've a right to see them" way then what's the harm? Cause if he's really changed then it'll be me that's the one who deprived my dc of their father and that's not right.
So aibu or are they? Should I really give him a chance (and only one chance) or should I tell him he doesn't have a right? (I have full custody through courts btw, if that helps?)
AIBU?
Or are they? Cause I got no idea anymore.
CompletelyStumped · 25/07/2014 11:14
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Ok firstly the court thing - yes I mean residency. It's called custody a lot in my area though so I tend to use that instead. It went to court because I work with a group called EVA (similar to womans aid). They provide support and counselling to women who've been through domestic violence and can also help with the legal side of things, in this case they told me it would be best if I went to court and gained residency as when I first fled him he still knew where I was and was threatening to kidnap dc. He didn't bother showing up to the hearings and I was granted full residency. There was no contact orders in place as the judge took his lack of appearance to mean he didn't want to see them.
About being hospitalised, I was left with a broken arm and fractured ribs, concussion and my back teeth shattered. It was after this I left him. It has taken me three and a half years working with EVA, womans aid and my own private counsellor to move on with my life, to stop the constant anxiety and panic attacks and to beat depression so please do understand that even agreeing to speaking to him on the phone was an incredibly difficult decision to make.
In regards to the phone calls, I wanted to make sure he was sober without having to meet him. If he had been drunk or on drugs when I called that would have been the end of it and it was better to find out now if he was clean than later iyswim? Children talked to him once on the phone as they had been up past bedtime and tend to try and take the phone away from me.
If I was to meet him then it would be public and with someone else with me. As it stands just now though I'm not sure if I could personally meet him, tbh I still feel scared. I think the suggestions about contact centres and social work are a good idea though, thanks :)
I'm not sure if he's in the AA or not, all I actually know is that he's receiving counselling for his anger, again if I had to ask to sit in on his session I would have to be near him and it's the whole not knowing if I can do that just yet situation again.
And please trust me, I know more than anyone what he has done and how he treated me (and children by proxy) is so wrong and so horrible, if he wasn't the children's father I would never even consider re establishing contact with him. He put me through years of hell, destroyed my mental health and nearly everything in my life. I can't be in another relationship for fear it will end the same and trust is a massive issue for me.
But in the end this isn't about me, it's about my gorgeous children who at least deserve a chance to find out if he can be a good father. He may have put my through hell but my children shouldn't suffer for that.
Thank you all for your advice, there's been some great things to consider there and believe me I will be considering them 
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