Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

1 2

AIBU?

Is he??

33 replies

noexcuseiammental · 25/07/2014 03:22

OH went for a walk today, 3 hours later he returns.

I am paranoid and I make no excuses for that, however he has recently changed his phone passcode (I lose my phone often so use his to call mine to find it) on his email he has emails from some site asking him to meet women but they could be spam.

He goes to work an hour early, he comes home an hour late

He cheated on his ex when his son was 2 years old, our son is two years old.

Please god someone tell me I am being UR

OP posts:

Report

MrsTerryPratchett · 25/07/2014 03:24

Of course you're not. 'Walking' a new hobby?

wantacatplease · 25/07/2014 03:28

I think you need to go with your gut instinct. It's always right, I find.

caramelwaffle · 25/07/2014 03:31

I agree with want

So sorry

wantacatplease · 25/07/2014 03:39

Amy106 · 25/07/2014 03:51

Sorry but these are all red flags. Time to talk to him.

LeoandBoosmum · 25/07/2014 05:18

If you can, next time he walks why not follow him at a distance? See where he goes? Did you know he cheated on the mother of his other child before you got with him and fell pregnant? Not saying a person can't change but his past behaviour would have made me wary...

Jan616 · 25/07/2014 05:45

I'm sorry you're going through this OP . It's best to confront him about it now. Fingers crossed that it turns out to be something innocent, like he's planning some huge surprise for you, or he's rehearsing for a flash mob, but sadly in my experience this is rarely the case. I really feel for you, and I hope things work out.

GelfBride · 25/07/2014 06:00

Op, time to get a bit more active in finding out what you are dealing with. Just having the talk without proof will have him deny to your face and worse, put him on alert to be more careful if he does have something to hide. I agree with Leo, follow him to see if walking is all he is doing and look for much more besides. You can't effectively act without knowing what you are dealing with. Always follow your gut feeling.

tigermoll · 25/07/2014 06:14

There isn't enough evidence either way to exonerate or condem him. What you need, as other posters have said, is more information one way or the other. Could you, for example, find a reason to call him at work when he's there 'early' to check if he really is there?

BlinkAndMiss · 25/07/2014 09:00

OP you need more to go on, you either need to speak to him or you need to do more digging. If you think he'll be upfront with you then you should talk to him, but if not then you need more evidence. The emails should tell you more, it should be easy to spot whether they are spam or from a site which he is registered to.

Either way, clearly you need to address some of the issues you have with him. In your position I'd be suspicious too, any change in behaviour like that rings alarm bells. Please stop referring to yourself as paranoid. It's not paranoia if you have good reason - his previous behaviour and his current changes in behaviour are good reasons to question what he is up to. You're not paranoid, you're suspicious.

noexcuseiammental · 26/07/2014 00:05

I have had a look at this website and it is him. I am so angry with him at the moment.

OP posts:

BlinkAndMiss · 26/07/2014 00:15

Oh what an arse, can you ask him about it?

noexcuseiammental · 26/07/2014 00:16

I am just trying to calm down at the moment. If it was a porrn site I wouldn't give two flying shits but its a dating site

OP posts:

pictish · 26/07/2014 00:17

Bad luck OP.
Doesn't look good does it?

AgentZigzag · 26/07/2014 00:26

Agree that you need to talk to him.

Could the dating website be from before you met him?

Where did he say he was going on his walk?

Have you asked him for his phone password?

What makes you think you're a paranoid person?

noexcuseiammental · 26/07/2014 00:29

No he signed up in June for it.

He said he had had a stressful morning.

Everytime I do he changes it

I have various mental health problems one being paranoia

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 26/07/2014 00:39

Just on the signing up for it in June when you were presumably together tells you everything you need to know

I was just thinking on the paranoia whether he plays on that to discredit what you're saying, but that could still go for if you've got MH problems, it seems to be a legit technique for some people to use over time to hurt you/'win'/point score.

How difficult will it be to disentangle yourself from him? Like have you got a mortgage together or anything? Will he go without too much fuss? Will he admit to doing anything?

noexcuseiammental · 26/07/2014 00:42

We have been together for four years now.

Yes he does however I sort of know when I am being played and when it is just paranoia. (at times)

I kick him out, apart from our son and life insurance everything is in my name. We rent so no problem there.

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 26/07/2014 00:52

Is that what you think you might do? Give him the boot?

Thinking purely of you and your DS, is there any way you can do it without WWIII breaking out?

He must know he's in the wrong though if he's on a dating site and knew you'd found out, but then I wouldn't put it past a person who'd do that trying to turn it round on to being your responsibility.

What a shit.

noexcuseiammental · 26/07/2014 01:01

I am not sure what I am going to do. I am still thinking. However he knows my views on this, but (and trying not to make excuses for him) we have had a really tough 6 months, however I would like to think that that would mean we stand together and stronger, not jumping onto a website to find a quick shag.

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 26/07/2014 01:09

I think that's the least you can expect from a relationship, it says that he's disconnected if that's his response to any difficulties.

Four years is a long time though, have you suspected him of getting up to shit before now?

I'm not suggesting there are good and bad ways for your DP to go off with someone else, but meeting someone and having an affair is completely different from him actively going out and seeking something else.

You're worth so much more than what this man can give you, and so is your gorgeous DS.

noexcuseiammental · 26/07/2014 01:13

No I would say up till now he has been faithful. TBH He is a great dad, was a great partner.

The site itself is a meet up for a shag site (I shall be off to get myself tested) not a relationship sort of a site. I am still trying to get my head round whether this is better or worse.

Also having a nose round his profile, he has either deleted messages or no one has responded

OP posts:

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Email address

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

LeoandBoosmum · 26/07/2014 01:22

His past history (and the fact he learnt nothing and joined a dating website) shows he lacks character, substance and any moral courage. I don't think it matters that you have been through a tough six months...you didn't join a dating site, did you?!
Honestly, he sounds like a player, a player who'll never learn... I would not waste another minute of my life on this loser, you'll constantly be worried and anxious that he's cheating on you and you'll probably be right.
You are not paranoid... He is your child's father, I understand, but he can still be a parent without being your partner. You deserve better.

MammaTJ · 26/07/2014 08:36

Sorry to say but I totally agree with LeoandBoosmum. If his reaction to a rough six months is to turn to a shagging site, he can never be trusted. If you let him stay, he will wear you down until you won't be able to tell the difference between instinct and paranoia!

noexcuseiammental · 29/07/2014 05:08

He has moved into our spare room. I would of kicked him out, but I have damaged my back to the point of not being able to walk without pain and waiting for a consulatant.

He is still professing his innocent and I am starting to weaken (within myself not towards him) I just really do not know what to do, Break up my family on the basis of the evidence I have found and believe him this was some fluke (could of happened due to the whole password thing with morrisons, maybe????)

Or keep thinking he is playing me for a fool, some of the stuff on the description is not the man I know, but that says fuck all really.

If I try and keep my family together am I forever going to be checking his phone and email. And as such we will be far better of alone.

For a purely selfish reason I hate sleeping alone now and I like sharing the responsibilty of trying to get my son to sleep (he is going through a really difficult time)

But how would it be for my son growing up in a distrustful realationship

I know the answer I just am not strong enough tonight

OP posts:

Flip

1 2

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.