To wonder why 8YO DS steals keys

[girlwhowearsglasses]

Keys continually stolen around here. Not keen on locks but he is ADHD and impulsive and have to have some out of bounds areas. He has stolen keys to shed, bike shed, filing cabinet, sideboard, front door once (stole it out of door as I opened it to next door, ran out, chucked it in dustbin )

I lock living room door at night so he doesn't mess with our office stuff/computer/cameras/ DVDs etc when he gets up before us: we have sofa and tv in kitchen diner too so no loss to him.

This afternoon he's found that, opened door, stolen and hidden key! I've lost my rag and threatened removal of computer - and he has 'found' it now.

Really angry as this keeps happening. So having a moan - and I know it's about control of environment etc etc but WHHHY!

[someonestolemynick]

try to see things from his perspective. He feels, I imagine, not trusted, like a guest in his own home and that you treat him like a baby and so he acts like one. And then of course there's the trill of the forbidden.

I understand why you lock stuff away, I really do. But this will not stop. Why don't you give him a chance to earn your trust. Unlock one room/ area, tell him you are doing it and make a big thing about how much you trust him and maybe even put him in charge of this area being neat/ organised.

I think he is hurt by this, and this is his way of getting you back.

[someonestolemynick]

I had a similar problem in a family I au paired for. 9YO charge was desperate for some freedom/ control over her actions so she kept taking (referring to it as stealing creates a whole host of new problems) house keys (she actually ripped my keys out of my hands when I handed them back to her parents just before moving out).

I sort of got around the problem by giving her a little bit of controlled freedom like giving her the key for the last few minutes of walk home to unlock the doors when we came back from school or activity, whilst saying something like: "I'm giving you the chance to show you how responsible you are." whilst making clear, she would lose this privilege, if she ran of with it.

My key never vanished again, until the day it went back to her parents.

I'm trying to say that, if you, believably give a child to understand that you trust them, they will gradually act more trustworthy.
If they think you think of him as a baby, he will not disappoint your assumption.

[girlwhowearsglasses]

Living room is only locked at night, not during day- except if kids are fighting in there and I need to have them where I can see them whilst cooking etc.

Shed has to be locked for security, same with bike shed. Home business stuff in filing cabinet - no reason for h to go in there...

[Mostlyjustaluker]

Have you asked him?

[someonestolemynick]

I understand you have very good reasons for locking the things away, but please try to see this from his point of view.

From an emotional 8 YOs point of view. It screams: Mum and dad don't trust me.

This is true, isn't it. Again, this is not an accusation or judgement. You will need to admit this to yourself (and ideally him) if you want his behaviour to change.

Maybe start with mostly's suggestion of asking him why he does it. Then listen, really listen, to what he has to say, acknowledge his feelings and then find a solution that makes everyone happy.

He is not doing it, because he has a physical need to be in your drawers, he is upset that you don't trust him so he does something he KNOWS will upset you causing you to lose even more trust in him.

[biscuitsandbandages]

Would he like his own keys? Is it a lock thing or wanting the keys iyswim. Bought a set of blanks from key cutters for 6 year old ds1 which stopped him fidling and walking off with mine.

[girlwhowearsglasses]

He won't admit it!

When caught absolutely red handed he doesn't know. When approached obliquely at calm moments in chatty mode he still doesn't know. It's part of a wider behaviour problem, and no I don't trust him. He's done impulsive and unsafe things and as I said, there aren't locks usually only when I have to keep and eye on them or at night. It's not even that he wants to get in things - he hid the key to the sideboard ( door won't close unless key turned - it's old) so I couldn't get IN to cloths, plates etc.

[girlwhowearsglasses]

Thanks all - you're right- we're working on all those sorts of things and more, is just frustrating

[Bothofyou]

I would focus on rewarding days he doesn't steal keys! Extra 30mins screen time on days keys left alone, lose 30mins when keys taken. I'd also buy him some lockable things - a bike chain lock thinghe can be responsible for locking his scooter/bike up with, a memory box for special objects he wants to lock away, a lockable diary etc. and maybe get him to colour code his keys to remember which opens what!

Don't know what else to suggest, bloody frustrating.

[someonestolemynick]

I hear you

I can imagine how frustrating this must be for all of you. It's great that you are working on it. What kind of support do you have? This situation might benefit from family counseling, if you don't already do it.

In moments you want to tear your hair out, here a few things that would be useful to remember.

This is not your fault.
This is not DS's fault.
He is probably just as frustrated as you are.

The fact that he doesn't admit it, is tough maybe call his bluff? "Oh, so you don't know where the key to x is, oh how annoying. I'm so sorry you won't be able to use y anymore until we found it."

[girlwhowearsglasses]

Yes we are lucky enough to have some counselling. We try to keep what you listed in mind, yes, and it's been useful talking through with an external party as we've had other things hidden that are precious to various members of family, and have been found in his hidey holes. He gets very upset about it, and indeed we have been through it with councillor because we know consequences for it are of v limited use with him (meltdowns mean they make no sense)

So it's talking through in a calm moment after the fact all the way...

[DogCalledRudis]

As long as its not a safe where you keep firearms, i don't understand why lock/hide anything away from children that age. It obviously does not work.