to think I shouldn't still have to put up with this from exH 6 yrs on?

[TractorTam]

I left my exH six years ago with baby DD. He was abusive to me in every conceivable way and leaving was the best thing I ever did. However, six years on he still has the ability to make me feel sick, nervous and on the brink of a panic attack and DD is beginning to show signs of anxiety, too.

As examples - he rarely goes to school events but will infer to DD and I that he intends to so we both spend time wondering if/when he's going to emerge. It taints every event as I dread seeing him but equally if I can't see him, I hate the feeling he could be lurking somewhere, watching. If he was up front and said he'd be there and he was, that'd be fine. But the leaving us guessing makes me anxious, which I'm sure he knows. At sports day, he didn't show himself until the very last moment, and then called me a pet name he used to use when he intended to hurt me - leaving the day spoiled for me as I worried what he'd seen to upset him.

If we arrange to meet in a public place, he'll arrive at least 30 mins early either to observe us or will approach DD and then take her early. Last week he was to collect her from dancing for tea at 6. He arrived at 5.15, made his presence known to DD, then left again. Cue DD being distracted wondering why he was there (he's never been to watch despite invitations to do so) and if she has to leave, and me feeling on edge for the 45 mins remaining that he'd approach me. When he returned at 6, he was apparently on the phone to a uniquely named friend, conveniently the same friend he said wouldn't think twice about breaking my legs if he asked him to and accompanied by a big smirk and the use of the pet name to me again.

When he has DD he regularly (most times) 'forgets' something - such as homework, school shoes, coat etc so that I'll have to contact him to ask for it. He eventually says he'll return it but will never say when, leaving DD and I anxious that he could arrive at any time.

Of course to the outside world, the pet name is affectionate. Arriving early is eagerness to see DD. The phone conversation is coincidence. To me, it feels like ongoing abuse. Similarly, DD is confused when he turns up unannounced and is left looking around anxiously at school events. AIBU to think that I shouldn't still be made to feel like this six years on, or do I just need to get overit?

[Bogeyface]

Being perfectly serious now.....is there anyway you could disappear?

He sound unhinged. Do you have any evidence of anything via email or text?

I am sure that you dont want to disrupt your childs life but she is getting nervy too now, it has to stop.

[TractorTam]

He has the money and means to find us. I have evidence of him calling me the name and of him saying my relationship with DD will end up like my mum and I (we're no contact) which is designed to promote anxiety. He also hints constantly that I'm deranged by saying I'm 'irrational' and not making sense, when clearly I am. I changed my phone number so I only had to have the prospect of hearing from him when I chose to (he never asks how DD is, but would send messages like 'looking forward to school church service today' and then not even go) but the turning up everywhere is horrible.

[AcrossthePond55]

YANBU to think you shouldn't have to put up with his behaviour. But YABU if you think you can control it. He's a prick and he knows he's getting to you. But I wouldn't say 'oh, just get over it'. I would say 'work to get beyond it'. He's had years and years to make you anxious, fearful, and upset at his 'antics'. I think you need to start trying to be unafraid. Next time he calls you 'that name' tell him to 'shut it'. If he shows up early, ask yourself 'why does this bother me? What am I really afraid of?'. What is it that you think he will do? So what if he's 'talking big' with some jerk on the phone. Again, what do you think he will do? If you have a real, valid fear for your or DD safety, talk to the police or WA. Otherwise you just have to keep telling yourself 'he cannot hurt me, he cannot affect me'. As far as DD, she may be learning her fear from watching you. You MUST learn to mask your fears from her. That bastard had you so under his control, fearful that your actions would cause him to explode, that now you feel as if the Sword of Damocles is constantly over your head. If you haven't considered counseling, you may want to think about it.

As far as him 'forgetting' things, would you have the option of going and getting them rather than waiting for him to bring them round? You may want to let the school know about it, especially the 'forgotten' homework. If there's a way, can you can pick her homework up directly from the school for her to do when she gets home?

I have a feeling that if you can learn to either not let it get to you or at least not show that it's getting to you, his behaviour may taper off. He's only doing it to get your goat. If he learns that you don't give a shit about his little antics, he'll probably stop.

[sykadelic]

agree with Acrossthepond55

He knows he's getting to you so he continues to do it. Your daughter is probably picking up on your anxiety as well, hence her reaction.

If he keeps the coat, don't send her in one next time. Speak to the school about the homework situation and ask that you collect it.

If he shows up somewhere, or says he will, who cares whether he is watching. Who cares if he's there. Nod and smile and be sure in yourself and your relationship with your daughter. Continue to be loving and supportive to your DD and try not to worry about him.

Consider counseling to help as well.

[TractorTam]

I do a very good impression of not giving a shit and DD actually thinks I'm a lot tougher than I am. Him turning up early or unexpectedly bothers me because it confuses DD. When she was younger he'd constantly tell her/me that he'd collect her from nursery without me knowing. DD shouldn't have to put up with games and uncertainty.

[CheeseToastie123]

Firstly, I am sending you and DD a big hug.

secondly, this may be a good resource: www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

[TractorTam]

That's not a long term solution though sky, I can't not send her out in a coat in winter or else replace it every time he sees her and keeps it, as he well knows.

[AcrossthePond55]

All you can do with DD is hide your own upset and tell her "Oh that's your dad. He doesn't know if he's coming or going so we won't bother about him being here or not. But you and I are here now, so we'll just go ahead and (whatever)". As she gets older she'll understand that he's unreliable and unpredictable. Right now, you just have to convince her that she needn't worry about his coming or not coming/being early or late because YOU will always be there for her.

[AcrossthePond55]

As far as the forgetting things, I understand that you can't buy multiple coats, shoes, etc. But you can work on not getting visibly anxious about when/if he'll show up with them. The only long term solution would be a court order saying that if he 'forgets' necessary items, he must deliver them to you within so-many hours of being notified or he forfeits the next access visit. But court orders are expensive so that's probably not an option.

Again, I think if you learn to stand up to him his assholiness will stop. And as DD gets older she'll be able to be more aware of and responsible for remembering her own things.

[kawliga]

I agree. Either he is a real threat or he is not. Either your dd is safe with him or she is not. If he is a real threat, get help immediately, your dd should not be put in an unsafe situation and doing nothing is not an option. If he is not, then don't be afraid of him, stand up to him he is just a bag of hot air.

Regarding the implied 'threat' to have your legs broken, it's hard to tell whether that's real or whether he's just playing stupid mind games to mess with your head. In any case I would focus on how the situation is affecting your dd.

It is worrying that your dd is showing signs of anxiety. Maybe it is your dd's anxiety that is making you anxious, you are worried about her, which any mother would be.

[deakymom]

if he implies his "friend" would break your legs without thinking about it thank him for the warning tell him you have written it down with all the others and change the subject

about forgetting the coat in winter ask him to return it immediately its winter she needs it should be your only reply

when he collects from school send her in with clothing to change into and ask the school if you can collect it from the office along with her homework (if he is taking her to school and needs her uniform how can he forget shoes?)

does he ever take her too school and forget things? ask the teachers to write him a helpful note reminding him its needed again if he comments to you tell him its normal procedure everyone gets them (dismiss him in other words)

turning up early in public places you can do nothing about this except not turn up till the meeting time if you say meet at 6pm be there at 6pm

take a friend or team up with a school mom for school events

[hamptoncourt]

You poor thing this sounds awful!

How does he know about school events etc? Do you tell him or does he get duplicate newsletters etc sent to him?

I know dads should be equally involved etc but this is clearly abusive so I would say you might be able to minimise his opportunities for disruption and abuse if you minimise what you tell him.

Can you move away? He cannot stop you unless you move to another country.

Don't worry about the homework, as PP have said, explain the situation to school and tell DD it's all sorted and that her Dad will be taking it into the teacher so she isn't worrying.

Agree with PP that this will get easier as she gets older. You won't be involved in access so much, my DC make their own arrangements to see their dad and just let me know and they would have plenty to say if he witheld their stuff.

If he is picking her up from dance class just drop her off and leave, that way whatever shenanigans he has planned will have no effect. It's all aimed at you and you know that. If you get a friend to drop her off to his, you take away his opportunity to hurt you.

I have to say I would be off though. Good luck

[TractorTam]

He doesn't drop her at school, he returns her to me on Sunday minus various vital things - I.e. School shoes, coat in winter, homework (that hasn't been completed anyway) to maximise disruption. I have considered stopping him collecting her from school, but then it increases the amount I have to see him, which is precisely what he wants.

[sykadelic]

Is there any way for you to involve a third-party for drop offs?

I.e. doesn't pick her up AT school, but from his parents, or your parents, or mutual friend or something? Same with drop-offs, changing the location so there's always a witness for taking things and not bringing them back?

Is your DD old enough to make sure her coat/shoes/homework are in her bag before leaving her dads? As in, as soon as she gets to her dads she gets changed and puts them in her "take home" bag? If not, she will be old enough eventually.

She's going to realise the shit he's playing and she'll want to spend less and less time with him.

[kawliga]

Is your dd safe?

Really, everything else is not that important in the grand scheme of things. Even in happy families there might be a parent who is always forgetting the coat or the homework or even forgetting to pick the dc etc. It is annoying and needs advice on how to make it better, but in the long run it is not the worst thing. Is she safe with him, or is she not safe with him?

Your thread seems to be about two different things: some things which are annoying but not that serious, and some things which look very serious.

[TractorTam]

No, there's no one else to deal with drop offs unfortunately. It isn't that he forgets things, he purposely keeps them so he has something over me so no amount of organisation from DD helps. She won't even wear her favourite hair clips there because she knows she'll never see them again.

DD is physically safe kawliga, but perhaps not emotionally so. But enough for a court to stop contact? I wouldn't think so.

[hamptoncourt]

Move away then. If you have nobody nearby who you are using as support why don't you start afresh somewhere else?

He might turn his attentions elsewhere if it becomes too much hassle for him to abuse you and DD. Men like this are surprisingly good at finding someone new to abuse

The fact you accept she may not be emotionally safe means it is up to you as her mum to do something about it.

I hope you find a solution. He sounds a bit dangerous to me.

[attheendoftheday]

He sounds awful and you shouldn't have to put up with his shit.

I don't have a solution, my only thought it whether you could collect dd at the end of contact and take a list of items to check she has everything.

[angeltattoo]

Take your daughter and move as far away from the abusive bastard as you can get. You tell him afterwards, not before.

He won't make the effort to follow.

[kawliga]

Listen, forget about the coat and the hairclips. Those count as 'annoying' not dangerous. They are just distracting you from the serious issues. Even if he is keeping them on purpose, let him play silly games if he wants to and don't get distracted. If you become emotionally invested in these trivial things he will just get off on that. He sounds very childish. He seems to enjoy winding you up.

Focus on the emotional wellbeing of your dd. If she is showing signs of anxiety that is very serious. If you feel he is stalking you (showing up early and hiding and watching you) that is also very serious and I would call the police for advice. He is causing you anxiety and that borders on criminal behaviour. Talking loudly about someone who can break your legs is also threatening behaviour.

[deakymom]

the coat she can get herself really you just need to police it into her dont forget your coat! if she just gets ready to go and puts her coat on what is he going to do realistically? take it off her?

as he collects from school but returns to you arrange with the school for her to get changed and leave her homework/uniform there for you to collect yourself (or a friend who gets their child at the same time could help) he can't really object you can do it in the spirit of "helpfulness"

[SolidGoldBrass]

Is there a court order in place regarding his contact with her?
If not, then you can change any arrangements to suit you and DD. THe law only requires you to allow reasonable access for the benefit of the child, and you can block him from having any direct contact with you if you prefer.

Also, his stalking and harassing behaviour is a crime even if he doesn't do anything directly threatening or aggressive. People are guilty of harassment even when the things they do are things that would otherwise be percieved as 'nice'. Sending flowers to a person, for instance, is criminal harassment when it is unwanted attention. His texts and threats to turn up unexpectedly are clearly intended to cause you distress: that's a criminal offence.

Is there any record of his previous abuse of you - did you ever have to call the police to a violent incident, or were SS ever involved?

Talk to Women's Aid and the police DV unit about ways to block this man off as much as possible and put him in his place. He does not have superpowers and is not above the law, he's just an inadequate bullying prick.