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AIBU?

to feel awkward about raising this with DS and spouse?

91 replies

evilartsgraduate · 24/07/2014 00:26

Short version: DS has civil partner who was AMAB but is genderfluid and presents as m or f variously (pronoun "they"). DS presents as very within the norm. They have both been invited (after I asked, and was given the go ahead, to include spouse on the invite as they originally weren't, not I think necessarily on purpose) to my aunt's 70th. Then she calls asking if spouse is very "out there" (her words) - to which I answered honestly - and then asking me to make sure that they dress male at the party so as not to make other guests feel uncomfortable.
Aside from the fact I don't want DS and spouse to feel we are trying to tell two fully grown adults what to do, AIBU to feel that maybe my aunt should have asked them about this herself?
In the end it is entirely possible they may not be able to come as it's BH weekend and they may already have plans, however... I don't want to have to have this conversation, if I am perfectly honest, as I'm sure DS and spouse get enough of this kind of thing as it is. OTOH I do kind of see her point, as it will be a party full of oaps and religious people due to their church connections and would hope that DS and spouse would want to be tactful. On the third hand DS does often get on his high horse about similar issues - indeed a lot of issues, lol, takes after his father. And there is no way that, if it came up (and it would) he would be anything other than "this is my spouse, deal with it" (slightly more politely but not much).

OP posts:
Wonc · 24/07/2014 00:31

I would leave the subject alone.

Your DS will likely get offended.

ObfusKate · 24/07/2014 00:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

evilartsgraduate · 24/07/2014 00:34

Yeah, problem is, if spouse does come in a dress, major awkward all round... plus I kind of agreed with auntie that I would have a quiet word. It is her party after all.

OP posts:
evilartsgraduate · 24/07/2014 00:36

AMAB = "Assigned Male at Birth" - shorthand for "says boy on birth cert but subject of same doesn't entirely agree". I am learning.

OP posts:
kickassangel · 24/07/2014 00:42

Keep out of it. They are adults and they will probably have a good idea of what to expect at a party for a 70 year old. If your aunt raises it again,tell her that you don't wish to upset them, but if she feels strongly about it she can contact them herself.

bunchoffives · 24/07/2014 00:48

If there are lots of people there from the church then you should be able to count on their charitable kindness towards another person also made in God's image (however they are dressed).

This really is a very superficial problem. Stop reading a book by its cover. Hold your head high. And tell your Aunt to either not issue an invitation or learn to b e a polite and good host by making her guests feel comfortable.

In short, stop pandering to a load of prejudice and bigotry.

HerRoyalNotness · 24/07/2014 00:48

I might say something like "aunt phoned and is looking forward to seeing you and hopes you can both enjoy yourselves, even though it'll be all oap's and friends from church"

It sets the scene for the atmosphere/style of the party and may help your SIL(?) to decide what to wear.

QuipFree · 24/07/2014 00:51

Don't mention it to your DS. He is well aware of what most people think, and how most people would like his spouse to dress. He does not need it pointed out that other people's reaction to his spouse can be less than desired, or judgy and hostile.

Ignore the request. If spouse arrives at the party dressed as a female, and the aunt comes to you looking for answers, just shrug it off.

Don't be the bearer of prejudice or ignorance or intolerance. They get enough of that.

vicmackie · 24/07/2014 00:52

AMAB means "has a penis."

evilartsgraduate · 24/07/2014 00:54

vicmackie: actually, not necessarily, no. Intersex females have been AMAB completely mistakenly.

OP posts:
ObfusKate · 24/07/2014 00:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

vicmackie · 24/07/2014 01:02

In the context of transactivism, AMAB means "born with male genitalia." Intersex people have made it abundantly clear that they strongly resist having their condition co opted to advance the trans agenda.

GodDamnBatman · 24/07/2014 01:03

Your son's DP is who (s)he is. Don't try and stifle it. If a bunch of homophobes feel awkward it's because of their prejudices, not how a person decided to dress. Basically all you're doing is victim blaming. "If you dressed like this, people wouldn't treat your poorly".

If aunt comes up to you, tell her you're not his keeper and he as a grown adult may dress how he likes.

vicmackie · 24/07/2014 01:03

Sorry OP - was your DS's OH born intersex?

DiaDuit · 24/07/2014 01:06

I would stay out of it aswel, firstly because how another adult dresses isnt anyone's business but their own and it would be unbelieveably out of order to say anything beyond "it's a black tie occasion" or "smart casual".

And secondly, because this is your aunt's issue and if she wants it said then she needs to say it.

But i dont think anyone should say anything.

If it is awkward then shame on those who cant process the idea of someone in clothing of the 'wrong' (to theor minds) gender and realise that any issue will be entirely their issue.

ilovesooty · 24/07/2014 01:06

I think it would be highly disrespectful to your son and his partner to raise the issue.

Birdsgottafly · 24/07/2014 01:09

My DD's go out wearing very little.

If they are attending a family party, they tone their look down, likewise my Goth DD will.

My middle DD has lots of friends from different cultures/religions, she bears this in mind when choosing an outfit.

If he is "gender fluid" then he/they should be able to wear an outfit that makes him feel comfortable, but will not put the focus on him, as it's not his party.

Every event doesn't have to be a point scoring exercise.

I'm sure not every woman at the party will be wearing a dress.

evilartsgraduate · 24/07/2014 01:10

vickmackie: apologies, then. I have been misinformed. Spouse not, so far as I know, not that it is anything I would dream of asking, born intersex.

OP posts:
DiaDuit · 24/07/2014 01:11

Point scoring? what? what are you on about? Confused

FidelineAndBombazine · 24/07/2014 01:18

People generally manage to tone various things down for the benefit for the older generation don't they. It all sounds rather complex for a 70th birthday party.

Birdsgottafly · 24/07/2014 01:19

""On the third hand DS does often get on his high horse about similar issues ""

If he picks one day that week to wear a dress and seeing as he self identifies his gender as fluid, does it have to be the day of the party?

You can have gender issues and be a drama lama.

As you can self identify as anything and be a drama lama, just keep it away from other peoples party's, it gets tiresome.

evilartsgraduate · 24/07/2014 01:23

Birdsgottafly: DS would not be seeking to wear a dress, but wanting to get uptight about spouse being asked not to. Possibly. Or I may be being unreasonable :-)

OP posts:

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DiaDuit · 24/07/2014 01:23

Why would he only be picking one day to wear a dress? Confused he can wear a dress as many days as he likes, one of them might be the day of the party, i imagine like most of us he'll see what he feels like wearing on the day, what the weathers like etc.

Maybe he is a drama llama, maybe his clothing has fuck all to do with it and keeping his ''drama llama' away from the party will have zero effect on whether he wears a dress or not.

vicmackie · 24/07/2014 01:23

If I were in your shoes I'd feel uncomfortable too, OP. It's a difficult situation to be put in. I think I'd probably not say anything and hope that on the day everyone was able to be mindful and respectful of each others' varying points of view.

vicmackie · 24/07/2014 01:25

It must be so nice to be able to pick the days that you're a woman! Grin

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