To feel traumatised by giving birth, even though it was pretty textbook?

[Bean89]

I had my first baby 12 days ago and I absolutely adore her (obviously), but I can't stop thinking about giving birth to her. I was only in established labour for about 4 hours and did it with gas & air and pethidine. I did tear quite badly and needed stitches, but I didn't notice myself tearing and the stitches were a doddle because I was off my tits on g&a.
So why do I feel so traumatised by it? I know that there are people out there who would kill to have had a birth like mine but it was just so...visceral and painful and frightening. I screamed from start to finish and completely lost control of myself, which again, I know is pretty normal.
I mentioned to my community midwife how upset by it I was feeling and was told not to be silly. Is it unreasonable to expect to be taken seriously even though by common standards it was an 'easy' birth? Is it normal to feel like this?

[Azquilith]

Yes. It's a shit experience. It fucking hurts. It takes a while to recover both physically and mentally. Don't beat yourself up, just eat some chocolate.

[WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid]

Congratulations

Yanbu. Four hours is pretty quick, it's a real shock to the system. At least if labour drags on for hours and hours you are mentally ready for it.

Your midwife shouldn't dismiss it. Are there any mums you can speak to about the birth. I found recounting the birth useful (but you need a willing listener, most people just want to discuss their own birth - I have to make a concerted effort to really pay attention to someone's birth story).

[GothMummy]

Of course you are not being unreasonable. You were frightened and in pain. Even textbook births can be very shocking. Your midwife was being unreasonable to tell you not to be silly. She should have gone over your birth with you and made sure you understood everything that happened.

If you continue to feel upset about the birth then please tell your GP or health visitor.

[Bean89]

Thanks. I'm part of this birth group and everyone goes on about how magical it was, but I'm honestly waking up in a cold sweat over it every night. I feel like I'm losing my mind!

[titabeth]

Oh sweetheart you are not being unreasonable! I still feel traumatised on occasions, I only had one and she's nearly 30 now. This is not to say that you wont recover, but I think it was unkind of the midwife to say you were being silly.

Our bodies are put under tremendous stress when we give birth and I think it's only natural that some women will feel traumatised by it. You are probably in a kind of shock, I still remember my childbirth experience as happening about 20 feet away from me. I only got to hold my baby for a few minutes before she was whisked away to special care, as she was traumatised. I had to have a blood transfusion too.

It was several months for me, despite being overwhelmingly in love with my baby, before I began to feel myself again. Give yourself time, and don't give a second thought to the midwife. Some people are insensitive, thoughtless and downright cruel. Take care of yourself.

[ICanSeeTheSun]

It doesn't sound text book, having a major tear is not text book.

I bet you are still sore and shocked about the whole experience, if it continues make sure you see a GP. The reason is that they can tell if you are developing PND r PTSD

Congratulations on your baby

[weatherall]

Trauma is unpredictable.

Some people aren't traumatised by 'bad' births.

Some are traumatised by 'good births'.

My first birth especially was 'easy' but I still felt traumatised.

Your midwife was tactless and unprofessional in what she said.

There is a book called 'trauma and recovery' you might like to read.

Counselling may help too.

[LittleBearPad]

YANBU unreasonable. It's pretty overwhelming and you're still very close to it. Give yourself some time to adjust.

I had one "magical" birth in my NCT group. I think the rest of ours were pretty hard/full on/horrific. Pick your adjective. It helped me that the rest of the group were also looking pretty sceptical when it was described. Your ratio isn't quite as helpful in that respect but don't worry you're quite normal.

[wishmynamewasdave]

I remember coming home with my first baby and seeing the birth everywhere. I was so pleased my husband had changed the sheets (even though there was no real need to) as I kept picturing the bed where I had lots of these contractions.
I had a great birth really - was what people hope for - 2nd degree tears but overall fairly enjoyable. I didn't lose control or anything. It still took me a good couple of months to get over the trauma and seeing it run through my head all the time.

If it helps - my second baby was much quicker, and more of a shock to my system, but strangely I've not had anywhere near as many run through in my head!

[themightyfandango]

It's not unreasonable. I've had four children and I felt that way about the quickest labour. It was 1.5 hrs from first contraction to birth, no stitches, no intervention. It felt so violent and out of control though. The other 3 were between 6 and 12 hours and I never felt a loss of control in the same way.

People assume quick births are preferable but I think average is better.

Cut yourself a bit of slack but if you still feel this way after a few weeks or months see your doctor. I struggled with processing it a lot longer than I should.

[Wonc]

Congratulations

Giving birth can be a major shock. I screamed the hospital down too and still don't like to think about DD's birth. I just focus on her.
There is counselling available for this.

Also, just to let you know (incase you are worried it may happen again if you decide to have another child) my next labour was fine. Completely fine.

[GodDamnBatman]

YANBU.

DD was my first and child birth was enough to never want to do it again. Its very likely she'll be an only child. Mine was text book and pain free. But it was scary and seeing a baby poking its head out of my crotch (I got a mirror to watch... silly me) was bizarre enough to make me start freaking out right then and there. But then she was out and I was holding her and I calmed down.

[divingoffthebalcony]

I has a textbook water birth k

[MagicMojito]

No Yanbu

Pretty much everything about giving birth is horrific and scary imo. It's painful, messy, loud and traumatic.
Getting the baby at the end of it is great but it doesn't make the process of getting it any easier!

Your mw sounds abit shit tbh would it help to talk about it here? Just write down a blow by blow account of what happened and which bits in particular you can't get out of your head?

If it helps I spent the entire pregnancy of dd2 petrified of giving birth again as I was so traumatised by the birth of dd1, I even considered abortion just so I wouldn't have to face it.

Your definitely not alone x

[Munchmallow]

YANBU at all. I had three medically 'easy' births but still felt traumatised, especially after the first -I was in a sort of a state of shock for months.

Giving birth is pretty brutal and nothing can really prepare you for it. Give yourself time to heal, physically and emotionally and don't be afraid to ask for help if you feel you need it.

[divingoffthebalcony]

Sorry, hit send too soon.

Textbook water birth, the type most people dream of. And yet it was the most awful experience, the most unbelievable pain I'd ever experienced. I had a third degree tear. I will never do it again! YANBU.

[1lov3comp5]

I had this. DD was back to back and born fast and the pain was awful, only had time for g&a and for about 3-4 weeks after her birth, I had dreams where I wa sreliving the birth and the pain and would wake up in tears. I wish I'd spoken to someone about it but as she was my first, I just assumed I needed to suck it up
It took me 5 years to come around to the idea of having another dc and that birth was shockingly easy in comparison so I feel like it 'validates' how I felt about the first one if that makes any sense?

[Bean89]

Thanks everyone. I agree with those saying that sometimes quick births are more frightening- I remember the midwife putting me in the bath right after she'd told me I was just in established labour, and screaming 'I NEED TO PUSH' at my OH. That feeling was horrifying, I can't get the abject terror out of my head. I really do wish it had gone on longer- at least I would have had time to get an epidural!

[MagicMojito]

And dd2 birth was fine btw, induction so fast labour in the end. It was still painful and horrible in every way, but there is no trauma now.

[Thenapoleonofcrime]

Bean I also felt really traumatised after my first birth and had flashbacks where I remembered parts of it and they were terrifying. It may be that with the newness of it all and all the hormones, it is making you very anxious; if these feelings continue or you have further flashbacks, it is definitely worth finding out if there is a debriefing available. I had one for my first birth and it helped enormously (I did sob throughout it). There is also a really good book if you feel these issues are ongoing, although the mind is an amazing thing and you may find that these things fade- if they do not, it may help to read about others who have had similar experiences:

www.amazon.co.uk/Birth-Trauma-Post-Traumatic-Disorder-Following/dp/0956702473?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

By the way- don't feel bad that the birth was 'textbook', even if it was, birth can be messy, agonizing and frightening- and to be honest, with the tear it doesn't sound very textbook at all. Your feelings about it are very normal.

[NobodyLivesHere]

not unreasonable at all. you just pushed a human being out of your lady garden. even a 'text book' birth is a huge deal, emotionally and physically. You need time to get over it and process it. My dd1's birth wasnt awful, but it was very long and very painful (half working epidural numbness and all) and the whole thing left me in shock for weeks after. Your midwife shouldbt have dismissed you like that, and you are well within your rights to speak to a senior midwife to discuss the birth to assimilate things in your mind if you want to. but its so raw still. with time you should feel better.

[Bean89]

You've all been so helpful, thank you.
The bits that are upsetting me so much is the moment I needed to push even though I'd just been told I was only 4cm, being catheterised which I've always been terrified of, being moved from room to room whilst I was in the pushing stage and having to squat in the corridor during a huge contraction and the actual feeling of her body coming out- it reminds me of snakes and creepy crawlies and slimy things. I couldn't hear the midwife telling me to breathe her out so she just shot out all at once.
It is quite cathartic to just write that down, thank you to the lady who suggested it.
The midwife who told me I was silly was quite abrupt in general. She told me I must check my stitches with a mirror (this is the day after having them) and when I told her I wasn't sure I could look at them she just said 'We'll expect you to have done it by the time we next come.' None of the other ladies who have come to see me have asked. She also offered no help when I told her I was finding breastfeeding horribly painful, didn't even offer to look at how she was latching. She was a knob really.

[NobodyLivesHere]

wtf? why do you need to check your stiches? thats HER job! in 3 children and umpteen vaginal surgeries i've never once 'checked' my own stitches (and I had over a hundred once). she sounds very weird.

[Bean89]

NobodyLivesHere my thoughts exactly, they've offered to check my stitches at every visit and I don't have a clue what I'd be looking for frankly! I don't see how looking down there the day after tearing and being stitched up would help me at all. 12 days later and I still don't think I could look!

[NobodyLivesHere]

well i can't say i blame you! and really, you've no need to look. as you say, you arent a medical professional, so you wouldn't even know what to look for. thats why you have midwives to look for you and check all is healing ok. strange woman!

(oh and i promise, when the time comes, it wont look as bad as you think!)