aibu about my husbands obsession with the cats?

[minidisco]

Brief back story: we have two male cats, 6 years old, neutered. We also have ds 11 (dh is step father), and dd 7months.

Dh is very attatched to the cats, and worries when they don't come back after a few hours. He won't go to bed until they are both in, sometimess not going to bed until 1am and later. We live backing onto a large meadow with stables etc, and obviously in the summer this is great for the cats.

Over the last few weeks due to the hot weather one of the cats has been staying out later and later, which my husband is getting more and more worked up about. He has a very senior position in finance, and works long hours to the detriment of family time. I completely understand this, but recently he has been having days off to search for the cat, spending all of his time worrying that the cat doesn't want to live with us anymore and getting really anxious and stressed out! Yesterday the cat stayed out all night, so dh didn't go in work and went searching for it. He found him in a neighbours garden, and tried to carry him home, but cat got spooked and ended up scratching him to pieces, resulting in him needing a tetanus Injection and anti biotics as its infected! !

That day he kept the cat inside, and as such we weren't allowed to have the doors open in case he got out. The following day cat was desperate to go out so I let him, but he again didn't come back that night. We knew he was ok though as various neighbours saw him snoozing in the shade throughout the day. Dh was absolutely out of his mind again with worry, and had me out searching in the heat with dd in her trolley. He got back from work, went out searching with the cat basket, and brought him back! So now we can't open any doors to let air in as he doesn't want cat to go out!!

This evening he has completely been vile towards me, and basically ignored dd. I can't believe how he cares so much about the cats, and is so irrationally obsessed with where they are all of the time, and whether they want to live with us, yet hasn't even shown any particular interest in dd or his ss or myself. This has been building up for months, and his behaviour is getting harder to put up with now that we have dd.

Aibu in thinking his children and myself should have priority, and that his behaviour is irrational, or am I being unreasonable?

[CatKisser]

I do understand the worry, I've been there a LOT recently in this lovely weather with a wandering Tom.
However, has has to realise that cats do this - yes it gives you horrific sick feeling when they don't come home, but they are more than capable of looking after themselves.

It's not fair to take it out on you at all! Do you have a cat flap?

[itiswhatitiswhatitis]

Do you think he's very stressed and having some kind of weird breakdown? Or has he always been like this over the cats? Either way it all sounds a bit odd.

We never see our cats in summer they pretty much live outdoors during this heat.

[Mouthfulofquiz]

This does sound really really weird! I wouldn't be too impressed if a senior member of staff at work took time off because of a cat!!

[hiddenhome]

Is there any way of cat proofing the garden so they can't get out?

[Yambabe]

I think the obsessions with the cats are a symptom here, not the issue.

Your DH sounds very stressed and possibly on the verge of a mental breakdown.

He could probably do with talking to his GP or local mental health team if there is one in your area.

[gamerchick]

Is he stressed out? Sometimes stress can come out in funny ways if it's not released properly.

Personally I would tell him that you're going to rehome the cats as living like this for much longer is unacceptable.

Isn't what he's doing make it more likely that they'll bugger off? It can't be nice being kept in when you desperately want to go out.

[gamerchick]

xposts

[ElizabethLemon]

Sounds like he's having some sort of breakdown.

[PhaedraIsMyName]

Is there any way of cat proofing the garden so they can't get out?

Short of building boarding style cattery pen, no.

Your husband is behaving very oddly and I say that as one of the maddest of mad cat ladies.

Confining a cat which is used to having outdoor access is cruel. And when cat finally gets out again may well stay out longer because of it.

[newsecretidentity]

If he can't handle them going out, then he needs to build them a run so he will know where they are. But it sounds odd. Disappearing is what cat's do, and dragging the cat back and holding it indoors will make it more likely to disappear.

The key to keeping cats around:

1. Have nice food
   
2. See above

[MrsWinnibago]

It sounds like a mental health issue. Would he see the GP? Could you go to the GP if not and explain...seek advice? He's focusing on the cat is a symptom of extreme stress...displacement is what it's called I think. He's using a fairly banal issue as a conduit for his worry.

[taxi4ballet]

Cat-proof a garden? Other than enclose it entirely with a roof - no!

We live near fields/stables too and my cats have been known to disappear for days at a time in the summer, eventually coming back dirty, tired and thoroughly happy. Some cats like to spend a lot of time indoors, others are very much outdoors cats.

IMHO it is downright wrong (and cruel) to deliberately imprison an animal indoors when it is desperate to go out.

[ActingBusy]

Like a few others, my first thought was this is the beginnings of a mental breakdown. It's completely irrational to take a day off work because your cat has been out all night.

[PhaedraIsMyName]

MrsW's theory sounds plausible.

And dragging a cat in will make it determined to get out. I did that to our Alpha male cat when cat 4 arrived. It just upset AM even more (he's fine now)

[Cocolepew]

I think hes having a breakdown too.

[Silverdaisy]

Has he had a bereavement in the family recently. I was overly concerned about the cats when this happened to me - constantly expecting something terrible to happen to them.

[ThrowAChickenInTheAir]

He is overly focussing on the cats for sure. I adore ours and worry and fret about them but this sounds beyond normal reasonable concern. Cats will go off for ages esp at night in this type of weather when it's cooler and it's been very hot, then they will slink off and be invisible all day whilst they sleep. Most cat owners know this and recognise it as normal cat behaviour.

[hugoagogo]

Not so sure.

I make sure our cat is in every evening and would be very worried if she stayed out all night.

But I suppose if the cats are used to staying out at night; it would be harsh.

How is he otherwise?

[minidisco]

I am so thank full that others think it isn't normal! I am actually a mental health social worker, and I think that it is something else manifesting into this bizarre behaviour, but have been doubting myself to a certain extent as he has always been rather obsessed with them, its just that its getting worse!

I just find it so sad that they are taking priority over his daughter first and foremost, as she is so lovely and he is missing out.

I have suggested that his behaviour is irrational but he is very arrogant and won't accept that it is out of the ordinary. He has booked a week off work for us to all do family things, and I know it is going to be ruined due to him panicking about the cat!!!

[puntasticusername]

His behaviour is DEFINITELY not normal.

If he's not having it from you, would it help to show him this thread? Or make it worse?

Poor man (and the rest of you), I do hope things improve soon.

[eitherwaythatway]

Not helpful if it's a mental health issue, but might something like this ease his worrying:

www.loc8tor.com/uk/pets/loc8tor-pet.html

[QuacksForDoughnuts]

Be thankful he is focusing his anxiety on the cats and not the baby, because at least they can get away when it gets too much.

[spanky2]

My mum has always loved the cats more than anyone else, well me and my dad. It goes cats, dad me last. She has narcissistic personality disorder. Tbh she hates everyone except the cats. She would go out at night if the cats were late back with a torch around her neighbours cars. Research personality disorders. Sorry, it is not normal behaviour.

[TheLovelyBoots]

I agree, the first thing that occurred to me was that maybe he was having some kind of break down. Sorry OP.

[mollypup]

My partner cried when our cat didn't come in at his usual time...he had pretty much written him off as we'd not that long moved into a new house. I do understand it though, I treat my cats as if they were my children and would be absolutely devastated if they came to any harm. He does need to understand though that they will (nearly) always come home, think about it, he/she knows it has a guaranteed meal, bed and the odd cuddle at your house!